Love, Justine

Muncy State Prison

BLOG #3

Neither Here Nor There: Musings from the Other Side (of the Razor Wire Fence)

Motorcycle says it’s funnier when I blog about things that happen around the Block instead of celebrity or world news, so here is an entire blog dedicated to Around the Block News.

Enjoy.

Daisy’s been freaking out because she was “reckless and careless” with her commissary shopping, and to ask for a new order sheet is to ask for a tongue lashing from the CO. It is frowned upon to do this, for reasons unknown. She explained her transgression to the CO, which sounded more like she might have gotten drunk and plowed her car into a small family than made some minor mistakes on a bubble sheet. He made fun of her and gave her a new sheet, but not before admonishing her to snack before shopping.

Thanks, Mom.

Next, whites go in the laundry. I said I needed to put my washcloth in because it has mascara on it, and Daisy deadpanned, “Well, that’s what happens when you’re a streetwalker.”

That was one time.

In some relevant and fun news, we recently found out that Daisy’s stripper name is Mandy Sudsberry, while Burgundy’s is Gypsy Hewitt. 

Mine is Barney Holland.

Apparently, I’m a man stripper.

I’m reading this book “Fuzz” by Mary Roach, which is so far a lot about animals mauling people. One elephant did a headstand on a person and killed them. It was a circus elephant, obviously.

Then, various pictures of cat poo to identify the species–bobcat, mountain lion, etc. Daisy, noting the different poops, said that Roadrunner’s ponytail is strikingly similar to bobcat poop. Roadrunner is an inmate here that begs everyone for e-cigarettes, myself included. She speeds around from person to person, like a bag lady on crack.

In her real life, she’s an alcoholic.

Next–there’s a good-looking CO here that Burgundy has aptly named Captain Dick ‘em Down, so that’s fun when he walks by for count. I’m waiting for her to get the vapors and fall into his arms one of these times.

There is an older Asian lady next door, Bambi, who doesn’t understand common English euphemisms. Her pod was trying to explain “carpet munching” and “scissoring” to her, and she exclaimed, “Listen, I don’t want to know about smelling carpets and scissors and forks and things! I don’t understand it!”

Fun fact: “Stotting” and “pronking” are both names for when a deer or an antelope springs into the air and then lands on all four feet at once. Nobody seems to know WHY they do this, but I think it’s because another deer or antelope sneaks up to them and yells “HEY!!” at the top of their lungs.

In other news, Daisy was telling me earlier that in her county jail–referred to as Fayette’nam–like here, there is no garbage can in the bathrooms, so if someone got a surprise period, it was commonplace to simply flush their underwear down the toilet.

I mean, I don’t blame them.

The state issued underwear here are huge granny panties that say “BIG HOUSE” on them.

Who wouldn’t flush them down the toilet?

And for the grand finale, a White girl in the next cube trying to impress a Black girl:

WG: “I used to run around and keep my pistol on my hip!”

BG: “You’re telling me this like I care.”

“Wait! It was downtown Harrisburg and all the clubs be poppin’!

BG: “Harrisburg–BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…..”

(Black girl dies of boredom. White girl keeps talking.)

Meanwhile, the CO downstairs is clapping his hands together and yelling, “Hercules! Hercules!”

Where AM I?

Whatever. 

I’m going to practice pronking.