Love, Justine

Women’s Center

August 31, 2017

Day 58

Ten days until Ethan’s  13th birthday. Of course there’s a baby shower party big to-do thing that day for Preggo #1, Megan.

I finally told her today that I didn’t want to be rude, but I wouldn’t be able to make it. I already gave her a gift. I hope I’m not a mess that day. I’ll probably be fine with no booze. My normal routine is to get drunk and cry a lot. With loud music. It’s therapeutic in it’s own right, I don’t care what anyone says.

Probably this is a sign that I should read my book.

*Sigh*

Went to get some clothes at the Community Center. For winter. Going to be here for all of the holidays. 

*Sigh* again.

I talked to the boys today. Our conversations have begun to mimic each other—what did you have for lunch, did you get to play outside, I’ll see you in a couple days, bla, bla. It’s really sad.

The Sleep Nazi is picking on me today. She’s pissed because somebody called off and she had to come in at 4am. Poor her. I told her she was a bully and to knock it off.

Now we’re talking about lesbianism. Hm. Tori says she’s 80% lesbian with a side of a husband. Ha! Nice. One of the staff here is a lesbian. She talks about her girlfriend a lot. It’s kind of nice to see some diversity in Potter County. 

Ew. 

Now they’re talking about whether they would lick their own vaginas if they could. This is hilarious. And moderately disgusting. It’s amazing the questions people will answer candidly. Especially when they’re bored. I should be a reporter.

9:50pm

Omg. 

Meditation is taking FOR-FUCKING-EVER.

Unbelievable.

Everyone has to make fun of how the new woman–Elaine–reads. Fan-fucking-tastic. I’m starting to feel really bad for her. 

Even if she is a child molester, she’s still basically a mentally incapacitated child herself who deserves a basic level of human decency.

I spoke at the meeting about the fact that I’ll be in the Center for all five of my children’s birthdays  AND Ethan and Kaylee’s death anniversaries.

Ugh.

Book: The Courage to Grieve

Judy Tatelbaum

Stages of Grief

1. Numbing–When you cut yourself with a knife, your body reacts by numbing. The pain is delayed. The psyche seems to react similarly. When assaulted with the news of a sudden death, many people appear to go on automatic pilot…This zombie-like phase can last for weeks or longer and subsides gradually. There is no real pain, just a profound immobilizing deadness. Ultimately, there is no avoiding the pain of grief. The sadness, the longing, the anger, the guilt, creep in like a tide, slowly and inevitably, in different forms, at different times, and expressed differently for each.
2. Acute Mourning–Mourners feel a loss of control over their destiny, a sense of spinning helplessly, not knowing how to get through each day. Nothing has meaning…All of the following symptoms are common and usual during this time of active grieving:
   1. Denying
   2. Yearning
   3. Pining
   4. Symptoms of shock
   5. Depression
   6. Numbness
   7. Anger
   8. Guilt
   9. Irritability
   10. Hyperactivity
   11. Disorganized behavior
   12. Difficulty making decisions
   13. Loss of interest in personal appearance or hygiene
   14. Obsessive preoccupation with events surrounding the loss
   15. Flashbacks
   16. Repetitive day and night dreams
   17. Seeking to be reunited through spiritual connection
   18. Sleep and eating disturbances
   19. Health problems
   20. A sense of meaninglessness

These symptoms alternate in rapid succession.

3. Denying– Denial is a shock absorber that helps us slowly absorb the truth–Vamik Volkan
4. Yearning–The yearning was profound–”All her senses cried out for just one more sight or smell or touch of him”
5. Obsessive Preoccupation–Almost all the parents we interviewed related in the clearest detail the events surrounding the death. It’s as if the tape of the event is indelibly etched on their souls and replays whenever something triggers it, even years and decades later.
6. Anger–Anger is sometimes displaced onto others such as family members, doctors, hospital staff, and God, all of whom can be charged, directly or indirectly, with failing to protect the child.
7. Irritability–The newly bereaved are impatient, have little frustration tolerance, jump out of their skins at sudden sounds, are generally keyed up or over-reactive because the adrenaline in their nervous systems is pumping…