Love, Justine

Women’s Center

September 5th, 2017

Tuesday

Geezoman.

Off to Smethport half an hour early with Freddie, the most conversational driver in the universe. I was waiting to have a cigarette, so I haven’t even brushed my teeth yet. 

Yuck.

I wasn’t expecting him until at least 8am. It certainly doesn’t take 2 ½ hours to get to Smethport. Geez. Of course he drives like a caterpillar. He wants to know ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL about me–what I do, where I was born, etc. Blech. If I had had a cigarette and coffee I wouldn’t mind. No such luck. Maybe I’ll feel better after my therapizing. Now he’s asking me if I have kids. 

Not the day, sir!!! So, I left my first two kids out (I don’t need his pity) and just told him about the other three. Turns out he has a pair of twin boys too. Hm. Oh! I just found out that my appointment was at 9am, not 10am! That makes more sense. Of course I had no idea.

10am

Appointment was good. I love my therapist. After 25 years of searching, I finally found a good one. Reading my book so that Chatty Cathy will leave me alone.

“The darkness of grief is a connection to the deceased that is hard to relinquish. Enjoyment feels like betrayal.”

“Parents  say they have to ‘climb out of the well,’ scratching, clawing, backsliding, inching toward the light, one agonizing day at a time.”

1pm

Parenting classes in a minute. We had to write a parent child vignette (story/basically). Here is mine:

Parent/Child Vignette

I was folding laundry, and Tiger, 3, was playing in her kitchen. She was trying to pour water into her teacups and kept accidentally spilling it on the floor. “Darnit!” she exclaimed. I said, Nobody’s perfect, honey, keep trying.” She considered this for a moment, and then said quietly, “Well, you are.” I went over to her and hugged her and told her that I loved her.

Tiger is:

*Forming a close bond with me

*Practicing her fine motor skills

*Learning to feel loved and safe

*Bonding with me and learning to trust

There, I did it.

Wow, all we talk about it violence against children in this class–not that the teacher wants them to. They all talk about how much they were beaten and how much they beat their children. Nice. It makes me so mad. If they had to bury a kid or two, would they still beat their existing children and take them for granted? I need to know.

Book:

“Just as you can’t teach a child to walk before his muscles are ready, you can’t force the mending to proceed before the mourner is ready.”

“Part of the grief in losing a child is knowing that your child was cheated out of life’s simple pleasures.”

September 6, 2017

Wednesday

Day 64

Of course my doctor’s appointment got rescheduled, but only until tomorrow, so that’s good. We had drug and alcohol group. It was about stereotyping surrounding men and women.

Now I’m watching “It’s kind of a Funny Story.” It’s about a kid who is suicidal and gets committed to a psych ward. It’s NOT kind of a funny story. It’s actually an extremely sad and boring story. I have to go ask if I can interview at Emperion. Now I find out that others have been denied their requests to work there because there are drugs there.

September 7th, 2017

Thursday

Day 65

9am

Time for group. Waiting for some exciting packet to read. Talking about suicide attempts. One of the women is leaving today. Lucky her. She’s telling a story about how she got kicked out of rehab for asking a worker if she could have a moustache ride on his moustache. Nice. She’s going to Maple Manor this time. Fifth rehab. Four kids. One’s a month and a half old.

Okay, group.

Understanding and Coping with Guilt and Shame

–Learn to forgive yourself

–Talk about it

– Change the related behavior

–Practice forgiving others

Munchy’s baby is doing backflips in her belly. She lets me touch her belly when she’s active. It’s so cool.

Now everybody’s talking about guilt. And using. And when everybody started. Most early teens.

“The first thing you put in front of your recovery is the first thing you lose.

–Crash

Now we’re talking about detoxing. I remember detoxing from alcohol–NO fun at ALL. At  least they gave me Librium to help. 

I was playing rummy with Old Toothless, but I went to smoke and she went to play solitaire on the computer. So now I’m watching Shameless by myself– everyone else left for Community Service. I didn’t go because I have a doctor’s appointment. Everyone is thin and beautiful on this show–it makes me really, REALLY miss being thin. No matter what I do, I can’t get under 150lbs.  I’m going to talk to my doctor about it. And the sleep study. And a referral to a rheumatologist. I want to go to the Lupus Center of Excellence in Pittsburgh. 

Off to my doctor’s appointment. This driver didn’t introduce himself, and he likes classic rock. 

Hm. 

It’s pretty chilly today. Makes my bones ache. Half the sky is dark grey clouds and the other, half blue. I miss my kids. Bindi, my mother, told me she is bringing all three this weekend. Good. Gets me out of that baby shower anyway. Jimi Hendrix is on. Not bad. 

Here comes the rain.

Welp, went to the meeting and got my 60 day chip. Then I talked about Ethan’s birthday for what seems like the millionth time, and felt marginally better.

The reading was on the second step–coming to terms with and learning to trust in God basically. I’m still learning about this part. 

On the board it usually says something stupid, but tonight it says, “God’s will for us becomes our own true will for ourselves.”

Mr. Big gave me an NA book of my own after the meeting tonight. He must have paid for it. That was super nice. I went to the doctor today and he gave me Prednisone–WOOHOO–now I will feel much better for a week. I got a referral to the Lupus Center of Excellence in Pittsburgh too–YAY!! And also my doctor is willing to prescribe me something to lose weight, (double YAY!!), but I have to wait until my liver tests are normal.