Women’s Center
September 8th, 2017
Grief Book:
“The edifice of his life shook but withstood the emotional holocaust.”
“Many years later, Madelyn remains depressed. Her life is empty and her guilt profound. Without the consuming purpose of caring for her sick son, she is emotionally destitute.”
Boy, can I relate to that one. After Ethan died, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I got a night job when I already had a demanding full-time job, worked on a co-dependent relationship with my alcoholic sister, and got involved with an animal rights/rescue group and thus started taking in inordinate numbers of stray cats for later placement. I needed something to fill every minute of my life so I didn’t go stark raving mad, which I was terrified of, because I could feel the insanity lurking just behind my busy, productive facade.
8pm
Group: Reading: “Trust the Divine Plan”
God, one of the women in my book lost her only son after she told him he could leave rehab and she would take care of him and then he died of an accidental overdose!
Horrible.
That’s like Gert, losing a husband in a car accident and then having a son commit suicide.
Horrible.
9am
Wow this day is going slow. Last night I found out that I’m not allowed to work after waiting for two months for my work release papers.
Nice.
The Big Boss’ reasoning? My health problems aren’t resolved. WTF. I have SYSTEMIC LUPUS. MY HEALTH ISSUES ARE NEVER GOING TO BE RESOLVED!! OMG!!
And when did she turn into a doctor? This pisses me off so bad. Grrrrr…. I tried to talk to Mr. Big about it, but but that didn’t work. All he has are jokes and rhetoric. Not helpful at all. He told me I should change my attitude because I said it was difficult to talk to the Big Boss because she gets so defensive and nasty with me. I can just look at her and she gets mean! I think I intimidate her, and I don’t think that’s anything I can change. At least I get my steroids. Yay. I feel much better today.
More of my book:
“Death is loss. Death of a child is the ultimate loss.”
Group:
How to Surround Yourself with the Right People:
“If you hang around someone with a cold, you’ll eventually catch a cold. What are you catching from the people around you?”
“Don’t give up what you really want for what you want right now.”
9:40pm
Went to a meeting. Managed to get through the whole thing without crying (because I didn’t talk) and then this really sweet old lady asked me how I was, and I started crying, telling her about Ethan’s birthday. Then this Asian guy sees me crying and busts in with “DO YOU NEED A HUG?” and then I got swarmed with about eight hugs, which made me laugh through my tears. I love that group of people.
THEN, I was leaving, and the Asian guy follows me out, running down the stairs after me (he does everything loudly and at top speed, it seems) yelling, “I give you a chip, I give you a chip!” Then he hands me an AA chip that says, “HAD A SHITTY DAY AND DIDN’T DRINK!”
HA!! HILARIOUS! And super nice.
What a great crowd.
Tonight’s group was about anger. I’m not mad anymore, I’m just really, really sad.
What a fucking life.
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