Love, Justine

September 9th, 2017
Saturday

Day 67

11am

Off to a meeting. I can’t wait to see my kids tomorrow.

Song–

Pray– Kesha?

“I hope you’re somewhere praying, 

I hope your soul is changing, 

I hope you find your peace

Falling on your knees

Praying…..”

Song–

“Rockabye

Ooooh love

No one’s ever gonna hurt you love

I’m gonna give you all of my love

No one matters like you love

So rockabye….”

I wrote Lilly a letter. Still driving. Preggo #1 seems like she’s going to have that baby soon. Speaking of babies, I’m reading my grief book more.

It says: 

“Very young children, by necessity, form the centerpiece of life. They absorb the lion’s share of the attention of the primary caretaker. When that young child dies, the parent is out of a job that literally consumed each of her waking hours. In addition, young children are untainted. Our love for them is pure and unconditional., so that the loss  strikes at the heart of our hopes and dreams.”

I can relate to Evelyn, who lost an adult son, when she says, “I blow up at little things, out of proportion. I’m aware that I’m ultrasensitive and that I sometimes hurt people. I have no purpose in life. What should my purpose be in life at this point? I don’t enjoy anything to the extent that I used to. My entire book, Kidowed, was a blow up. 

The entire thing.

“The more ways in which people find meaning and fulfillment in life, the less crippling it is when one of those avenues is closed. That is why parents who lose only children [Ethan] lose not only the child but the entire aspect of their existence that was defined in the parent role.”

Meeting:

Easy does it (but do it)

Recovering addicts aren’t perfect after all. Our friends and sponsors are human, just like me.

Rodney: 

“I’m not drug-proof, I’m just drug-free. We do not become perfect, we become better.”

[We’re not bad, we’re sick.]

“We trust them, allowing them to love us until we can love ourselves.”

Megan: 

“I just want to live my damn life.”

“The glow of early recovery.”

Me: 

First time I said to the judge that I needed help and had a problem.

–Last night’s chip

“If I love me, why am I still doing destructive things to me?”

“The disease dies in the light of exposure.”

People hugged me. It was nice.

“The hardest part is ‘I,’ when all of the steps begin with ‘We.’”

“The higher the peak, the wider the recovery.”

“She came in with butterflies on her shirt and stretchy pants.” –Crash on an 11 year old addict going to meetings. “My heart hurts for her every time I see her.”

Song: 

The truth is…that you could slit my throat…and with my one last gasping breath, I’d apologize for bleeding on your shirt,

Maybe I should hate you for this…never did ever really get quite that far.

I found out that Crash wasn’t using to get into the Center, she was driving on a DUI suspension. She’s been clean for 15 months today and I talked to her today about sponsoring me. I wonder how that will go. I’m kind of excited about it but kind of scared that it’ll be a big flop like my last sponsor. Maybe it’ll be different because we’re sort of friends. Maybe she’ll think I’m a big flop.

Huh.

I guess we’ll see.

She told me, well showed me a tattoo that says, RIP [name of her child] on her back after I spoke (AGAIN!!) about Ethan at the meeting today and cried. That was big of her. Poor baby, only lived to be 17 weeks–what’s that–four months? Just about the age Kaylee was. Heart defect caused by alcoholism. I wonder how she dealt (well, deals) with the guilt?

I need to know.

Maybe I’ll ask her sometime. Her story prompted me to tell her about the abortion I had when I was using and drinking heavily in 2011. Of course, it was Mother’s day weekend. 

My punishment.