Love, Justine

Women’s Center

September 10, 2017

Sunday

Day 68

Ethan’s birthday. We would have been a teenager today, and I wouldn’t be here. I would be back in Pittsburgh, probably still working at the Vet Tech Institute, a job that I loved.

My hip is killing me today. It seems anything under 20mg of Prednisone doesn’t control my symptoms, and they put me on a tapering dose. I took some Tylenol along with my Meloxicam and Prednisone, but it’s not helping. Watching Shameless, one of my favorite shows. At least there’s that.

I’m not really sad today. I just feel numb. I told Ethan Happy Birthday in Heaven and told him and Kaylee I loved them. Maybe I’ll take a nap until visit time. I don’t even feel like eating today. My hip is killing me. Maybe it’ll feel better to lay down. Of course then I’ll be missing my favorite show. I think I gained 10lbs this week. Depression doesn’t suit my diet plan very well. I just eat everything in sight, even if I’m not hungry. Yeah, off to bed, I think.

1pm

Couldn’t sleep. People have been nice to me today–Tori and Chantilly both gave me spontaneous hugs–but I’ve spent a lot of time alone today. People are walking on eggshells around me like when after the kids first died. Kind of makes me regret talking about it in the first place. 

Shockingly, Slammy the Racist even said to me that she, “Knew How I Felt,” when she was giving me my medication this morning. People generally don’t say that unless they have actually lost a child too, which I didn’t know about her. That’s two people that work here that have lost children and me.
What a small, horrible world. I’ve only ever met one other person who told me that two of their children had died (in AA) and one of his was MURDERED. God Almighty.

5pm

Well, I have a visit with the kids. It was really nice. They each gave me a card they had decorated. Sometimes I think my mother has a soul after all. Not often though. Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooot often.

Theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen I went to the baby shower I promised myself I wasn’t going to. They had already been there for a while, so I had hoped that the gifts would be over. No such luck. I was okay for a while, but all that baby stuff–one outfit after another for tiny fingers and toes…the mother, Megan, smiling and laughter, all the little toys and blankets–it was a bit much to bear. I got a little teary thinking of my first baby shower with Ethan, all of the happiness and hopes and dreams flying around…I was so happy. 

Then a group picture of all of us, which I gritted my teeth through. It was excruciating. I want my old life back, with my old happiness and my old will to live.

Then of course I came back to the Center and there’s a tiny little blonde girl running around and her mother shrieks after her, “Kaylee!!!” Then there’s the teary goodbye’s, and the I Love You’s…I am just profoundly sad today. Then I go to get my meds and Gert asks me how my day has been. THEN I started crying. Gert lost a son to suicide. I told her about my day and Ethan’s 13th birthday and she told me she has days like that too. She hates Halloween because her son loved it. Favorite holiday. 

Last week, when Mr. Big asked about my glum attitude, I told him that today was my son’s birthday, and I couldn’t seem to get over it. He started to say something stupid about, “Do you think your son’s sitting somewhere wishing you were miserable?” and I cut him off with, “ I doubt it, he’s dead.” So then he shoots back , “So you don’t believe in anything in the hereafter?” I just walked away. 

This is what people don’t understand–it DOESN’T GO AWAY!! The grief–it doesn’t just stop because a certain amount of time has passed! LEAVE US BE!!!

I guess that’s all I have to say about that. You can’t force happy. I guess Jenny (the artist who also does church) stopped by the baby shower and dropped off a One Minute Bible. I guess I’ll read it. 

*sigh*

It seems God is stalking me again.

Section 1:

Time to make a change.

“God is always willing to join you on the starting line, but never content with letting you remain the way you are. Or the way you’ve been.”

“You may have felt like you were the one doing all the chasing, but God’s been after you for a long time.”

YUP. That’s what I was afraid of. Let’s see what else this gem has to offer.

“God will no longer be a cause of dread to me. I very soon find, however, that I am going to be a great cause of trouble to myself.”

–Watchman Nee

“Don’t be surprised when civil war breaks out in your heart, when you’re torn between the God you love and the temptations that still know how to play your song.”

Anyway, I think I’m going to bed. I made it through the day. 

Yay me.