Love, Justine

May 22nd, 2024

10:27am

The new cellie paces endlessly like a caged tiger. She thinks that they moved her because she is the only White person who hangs out with all of the Black people over on E. She said that the fight that caused the lockdown wasn’t racially motivated, but the administration here is going to act like it was. I wonder if they’re worried at all about being on the 10 o’clock news.

Tabby messaged me this morning and said that things haven’t resolved with her sister so she hasn’t sent my letter yet. I wish she wouldn’t feel bad about some dumb letter when her sister is deathly ill. 

No word from my mother about the lawyer.

Empire is staring out the window forlornly. She is actually Mexican/White/Apache. The CO is threatening people with Hole time for cell visiting. God forbid people practice normal human behavior. 

11:19am

I’m almost through the book “Spare” by Prince Harry. I got to the part about him and Megan and I felt surprisingly…jealous? Mad? Not good anyway. I had to put it down for a while. I can’t remember the last time I felt no-holds-barred-sweep-you-off-you’re-feet kind of love. 

Dubya, I guess, if I’m honest. But even then, I didn’t know if it was real or manufactured because I was into the grief so deeply that anything even remotely happy seemed miraculous at the time. It felt real to me. Then again, I didn’t even bother to change my name when we got married because I didn’t think it would work out. 

I don’t know.

It still surprises me that every time I hear a country song I think of him and wonder how he is. 

I was reckless with his love, I guess, because I didn’t think that I deserved something so pure and honest.

1:24pm

News headline: “Apocolyptic-style storm damage in Iowa” and “Tornadoes obliterate Iowa communities.”

I heard we’re getting Officer Useless back as Unit Manager again. He was the Unit Manager on J when those two women hung themselves. The new cellie, Empire, is apparently leaving soon. 

In the other book I’m reading, “Interrupted Life,” it says that family bonds are the strongest predictor of how successful a person will be upon reentry into society.”

4:20pm

Uh oh. Daisy got called into the counselor’s office, and she’s been in there for like half an hour. 

Shit.

Earlier, when I was pushing Ms. Grumpy Crabass in her wheelchair, and she stopped a Lieutenant to talk to him about her trip to the doctor last month where they chained her too tight. She said the lock was in her back, and she had to sit that way for 2 ½ hours. The Lieutenant said that he would chalk that up to immaturity and inexperience, and then asked Ms. Crabass what she had done to deserve it. She said that in 18 years here, she’s never been a problem and she also never been treated so badly. The woman’s got to be pushing 80 years old.

Who treats people like that?

Anyway, Daisy got some paperwork that doesn’t change anything about her case. She’ll still be sitting here for 18 months.