Love, Justine

Women’s Center

September 13, 2017

Day 71

Wednesday

I don’t feel good today. Got news that my liver is doing worse again. ALT back up to 900. High normal is 60. Doctor thinks it might be the steroids that caused it. Last night was my last dose of steroids and I’m back to being in pain. We’re doing “music therapy,” which is basically just listening to music about using.

Uplifting.

7pm

Meeting. I can’t believe how crappy I feel. Maybe coffee will help. I tried to start this proposal for the bereaved parents group but I couldn’t concentrate on it. I also forgot to call the kids (well, I was sleeping), which makes me feel like shit. 

It’s roasting in here. I need a shower, but my towels are dirty and I can’t wash them because there are bees in the dryer vents. Yup–bees. I guess they’re getting removed tomorrow.

Goody.

“We can grow in spite of our pain, or, perhaps, because of it.”

9pm

“The cure for grief is motion.”

Megan is joking that she’s going to name her baby “Shaqueefa.”

Funny.

I called Angel in Illinois to see if she would be willing to help out with this grief group thing and she’s on board and already has a bunch of great ideas, so that’s wonderful. She’s great. That gives me hope that it might be possible. I don’t want to do it alone.

September 14th, 2017

Day 72 

Thursday

I feel a bit better today. If Mr. Big (The Big Boss is on vacation) has time today, I have to present him with my proposal. If I’m going to do this grief group, I’m not going to half-ass it. They’re going to have to let me use some form of social media. They’re just going to have to. If I know anything, I know social media is the best way to promote just about everything.

8:30am

There was a fire drill at 5:30am, so I feel like I’ve been up all day already. Welp, gotta do group at 9am, so I’d better do that.

10:30am

Group went well–everyone talked except Chantilly and Elaine, so that’s pretty good. I think I’ll use the same format for my first real grief group. I feel like I should read my grief book more. Crash, who also lost two children, wants to read it, so I’d better hurry up.

“…bereaved parents do not ‘recover’ in the sense of returning to who they were before the death. Instead, they appear to change as they integrate the loss into their lives.”

–Ida M. Martinson

“The  real healing happens when you accept that the pain is always there.”

–Veronica

“When the early ravages of pain subside, a dull ache remains in the far reaches of awareness, a reminder that life can never have that blush of perfection again.”

OMG! Mr. Big just told me that they might want me to be a “Community Leader!”

Cool!

8pm

Bob at the meeting when asked how he is: “Jim Dandy peachy keen!” He’s a good guy. Always wearing overalls and a hat. Hugger.

10pm Called all three of my kids today–no answer at either household.

Forgot to read my Bible today. Let’s see what it says:

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights…”

“This Father who asks you to walk with Him will ask more of you than anyone possibly could–your life, in fact, for the privilege of being on personal terms with the God of the universe.”

September 15th, 2017

Day 73

Friday

We’re watching, “When a Man Loves a Woman.” I love Meg Ryan. 

Yesterday, Mr. Big said, “We’re looking for a couple Community Leaders, and, obviously, you would be one of them.” That “obviously” bothered me all day. Why would I be an obvious choice?

So after the meeting, I asked him about the obviously. Why obviously? He said that it wouldn’t be obvious to me. That personal growth is sometimes only obvious to others, and most of the time only seen in hindsight. He said it’s a good thing.

I guess I’ll take it.

I’ll take the compliment. I wonder what kind of responsibilities come with that. 

The Big Boss says that my possibilities are endless and I just need to be “lifted up.” That feels good to me. Maybe this place will be good for me after all.

The song that’s playing is “Everybody Hurts Sometimes.” We sure do. 

I can’t wait to see how this grief group goes. I can’t believe I have to wait two weeks to see my kids. I have to get that court paperwork done today. I have no money for stamps and envelopes. I’ll have to hand deliver them, I guess. Oh well.

“It’s horrifying how bad you can make yourself feel for being low, and weak.”

–Meg Ryan

We’re still watching the movie. Now she’s making her, “We all deserve a second chance,” speech at the end of the movie after being clean for 184 days. Long movie–two hours. It’s finally over–the kissing and hopefulness at the end. I miss kissing so much. Especially kissing my kids. I make sure to kiss them as often as possible. When I have the opportunity, of course.

Watch: The Case for Christ (according to Mr. Big)

I did a good deed and dyed and cut Elaine’s hair. No one else was willing to help her. Of course I was reading after lunch and fell asleep and slept right through 1pm group. I wonder how that will affect my standing as a Community Leader in-the-running. Not a very good example. And of course it was Mr. Big who woke me up and yelled at me.

Ugh–I’m kind of disgusted with myself about it. And then of course he found out I cut Elaine’s hair–that’s not allowed either. Of course I totally forgot that.

Double ugh.

Anyway–I’m at an AA meeting currently. I called the boys earlier but they didn’t really want to talk–too busy being silly. I don’t know how I’m ever going to do this grief group without ever having access to the computer–there’s always somebody on it.

“We’re all miracles here today.”

“We’ll love you until you love yourself.”