Love, Justine

Women’s Center

Day 76

September 18th, 2017

Monday

Welp, this grief group project is going pretty much how I thought it would–with a lot of non-answeres and frustration from Mr. Big. He’s very easily distracted and doesn’t seem to have the ability to prioritize well when it comes to matters of importance. 

For instance, I was trying to talk him into letting me send out my press releases today, and he got distracted by one of the younger residents who was bopping around and telling jokes about how she was wearing flip flops with socks

Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike………….really?

Try to keep up, dude. 

This is important to me. 

Bla. Anyway, I talked to my therapist about the group and she thinks it’s a good idea and gave me some suggestions.

My mind has seemed so scrambled lately. I miss my kids so much. Old Toothless passed out at lunchtime and had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital.

She looked terrible. Seemed like a respiratory issue to me. Her oxygen saturation was 93%.

Scary.

The staff handled it well, and called 911 right away. She kept saying her head hurt and she was so tired, poor woman. I hope she’s okay. Maybe she needs to be on oxygen.

Tomorrow I go for an intake interview for intensive outpatient rehab and Wednesday I have a dentist appointment. I am NOT looking forward to that. The last two people that had teeth pulled, the Center wouldn’t fill their pain medication.

WTF.

I do NOT want to have teeth pulled with no pain meds.

Meanwhile, here are some quotes about pain, fittingly:

“When you break through the bottom of sorrow, light floods out.”

“The chief characteristics of those who have passed through great sadness are a gentle gaze upon others and a willingness to wait patiently for others’ growth.”

“Pain tempers the soul and develops generosity.”

“Humility and compassion are borne of sorrow.”

Enough of that.

Okay, so over the weekend we were playing this funny game for group called who, what, when, where, why. Here’s how you play–these words are written on a piece of paper and handed out to everyone, and everyone fills out the who, then folds it over and passes it, and then everyone fills out the what, and folds it over and passes it, etc.

Here’s the one that’s about me:

Who: Jess

What: sharted on Daisy’s chest

When: At Old Toothless’s house

Where: In the Boiler Room

Why: Because Jess’s lupus got cured by the Women’s Center’s water

Hahahaha funny. Mr. Big is always telling me to drink water for anything I complain of, so that’s where that came from.

5pm

Dinner time

8pm

Meeting

I guess they’re keeping Old Toothless at the hospital. Of course they don’t know what’s wrong with her, but went to discharge her anyway, and then she fainted again. I hate that hospital. I should have sued them when I had the chance.

“Progress, not perfection.”

“Don’t leave before the miracle happens.”

“It’s easier to stay sober than to get sober.”

“Recovery is not just about not drinking[/using].”

Sometimes the women in the Center drive me crazy! This poor guy here that says his R’s like W’s is telling a beautiful story to the best of his ability about how he found serenity in nature the other night sleeping out under the stars, and all these girls (yes, girls) can do is titter relentlessly about his speech impediment. 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHH!!

Funny aside:

Lou: “Do you hear voices in your head?”

Rena: “Just the normal ones everybody hears.”

Day 77

September 19th, 2017

Tuesday

Off to Wellsboro for a Crossroads intake. Fun fun. It’s intensive outpatient therapy, so that maybe I won’t have to go to inpatient rehab. My hands are killing me today, it hurts to write. The weather is so humid it’s still foggy and it’s 8 o’clock. 

When I get back I’ll have to see if the Big Boss texted Mr. Big about my press releases. I don’t know this driver’s name. He’s not a talker. Hasn’t said a word. When I walked out he was talking to another driver and the other driver looked at me and exclaimed, “You got a good one! Stay out of trouble!” Gross. Sexist pig. I wonder how Paul Bunyon is doing. I haven’t heard from him. Writing hurts. I think I’ll take a nap.

10am

Okay, well that’s done. Lot’s of paperwork and tons of signatures. Geez, this guy really likes the brakes. Let’s see what my Bible says for today. 

What Would Jesus Do? 

Thinking with the Mind of Christ

“Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God…For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord…

“We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man’s gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully…”

“Every member of the Body has the potential to be–and should be led and fed toward functioning as–a fully equipped agent of Jesus Christ.”

–Jack Hayford

Grief book

“We have seen how the death of a child is an expulsion from the land of innocence.”

“One of the vital tasks of grief-work is to come to a point where life again takes on meaning. Parents who fail to find meaningful outlets remain stuck. Parents who seek and find meaningful pursuits heal themselves more quickly.”

“Coming to feel worthwhile again is one essential ingredient in healing.”

“Today I know that you can’t save anybody. But I know through the work that I do that sometimes you can help somebody to save themselves.”

–Jill–daughter committed suicide, now an alcoholism counselor

“Repeatedly, bereaved parents spoke of a newly acquired value for empathy with the anguish of others.”

“Not only do these parents say that their focus on “things” diminishes, but they find that materialism and superficiality in others becomes annoying.”

“Bereaved parents acquire a wisdom and maturity prematurely.”

“They didn’t want to get stronger, there is simply no choice; black or white, live through this or die.”

“Steel has to go through fire to get its strength.”

John 1:23 He said, “I am ‘the voice of one crying out in the wilderness, Make straight the way of the Lord,’ as the prophet Isaiah said.”

6pm

In-house AA meeting:

When ready, we say something like this, “My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding.”

Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us.

Ha!

The birthday of AA is my birthday: 6/10/1935

I hate this group. It’s so boring. This woman acts like taking care of her wounded horse once a day is the freakin’ hardest thing she has ever done in her life, and I’m supposed to derive peace and strength and serenity from HER? 

WhatEVER.

Then she lets the women gossip and bitch about the Center for the last 20 minutes of the meeting. It drives me crazy. I am bored out of my skull. I can’t wait to get on the computer to send out my press releases.