Love, Justine

September 20th, 2017

Wednesday

Day 78

We’re supposed to be getting somewhere between three and five new women by the end of the week. Fun. Mr. Big still hasn’t approved my press release, and this fucking group starts in 10 days. I’ve decided to start reading, “Heaven is for Real.” It’s a description is, “A Little Boy’s Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back.” Hm. 

Quote from Jesus of Nazareth at the beginning: “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of Heaven.”

5pm

I think it’s so funny that Tori has this sign  on her door that says, “REMAIN CLAM” in big block letters. The reason for this is that the word “Calm” is misspelled on the escape plans that are screwed in to our walls. Super funny.

Watching Grey’s Anatomy with the bitches. Got two new ones today–one oldie, actually, like me–returned, and a newbie, Squish and Tex. Tex is pretty rough and tough. Pretty citi-fied, I guess. At a meeting now–Tex took her shoes off and ooched and ouched the entire walk here. She’s funny. She said she sat on her ass the whole time that she was in jail, and so the walk ( ¼ mile) here was a workout for her. It was funny, she was like, “I have backsweat for real.”  “I have boob and kneecap sweat now!” a couple minutes later.

Grief Book–Harriet S. Schiff

“The fear of the unknown is behind us…because we have already taken a long look at hell.” 

September 23rd, 2017

Saturday

Day 81

8pm

Galeton meeting. 

“Humility isn’t thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.” 

–C.S. Lewis

Tori is having a bad day. She got talked to about not showering enough apparently. I complained about my grief group not getting off the ground.

Acceptance prayer:

“Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake.”

September 25th, 2017

Monday

Day 83

8:30am

I got to visit with all three kids yesterday. Tiger made me a bracelet and they played with the cushions and made forts and jumped around until Superman bumped his head. They’re at the ages where I’m a little bit (selfishly) grateful when they get minor injuries because then I get to hold them for a couple of minutes without them squirming away. I’m missing so much. My Dad gave me pictures of the boys’ first day of school and Tiger’s school picture. First one I’ve gotten. First pictures I’ve gotten in over a year from them.

I’m off to therapy–riding with Mr. Silent. He’s the twin who never speaks. That’s okay. I don’t feel like talking either. I’m sad today. I finished the book, “Heaven Is For Real.” It’s pretty good. Short read. It’s about a little boy who has to have emergency surgery for appendicitis and takes a trip to Heaven while he’s under anesthesia. Interesting. He describes the angels singing to him and Jesus’ face–turns out he has blue/green eyes and not brown, like I thought.

11am

Therapizing over. Maybe I can get this guy to talk. Let’s see. 

No go. 

Remember high school dances? Why don’t we do that anymore? Like, as adults? People love zumba classes and stuff–why don’t people just get together and dance? I need to know. 

Grief book:

“Depression is thought to be related to feelings of psychological helplessness.”

September 26th, 2017

Tuesday

Day 84

Grief book:

“Life is forever a wiser, more knowing life.”

“Having landed on their feet after being thrown to the ground gives parents a sense of power. They see in the mirror a person who is a survivor.”

“Reasoning that no one or nothing in this world could hurt them more than they have already been hurt, numerous parents say they have become more willing to try things they have previously been afraid to do.”

8pm

What a day! This is my second trip to Coudersport today, the first was for shopping for groceries for the Center and this trip is for a meeting. This one guy is celebrating 40 years of sobriety tonight! 

–”AA didn’t only help me quit drinking, it helped me deal with life.”

“I’ve learned that today, picking up [a drink] would be like picking up a gun and holding it to my head.”

Experience. Strength. Hope.

Chantilly voluntarily signed over her parental rights to her two children yesterday so they can get adopted out. She’s having a really hard time with it. It’s basically been a two-year long streetfight in court for her. Poor girl.

Not that I think she was a fantastic mother or anything. Tonight when I was on the phone with the boys (Dubya didn’t answer so I could talk to Tiger), Superman was running around with the phone, and he yelled, “Mommy, are you bumpin’?!” It was really funny. Like I was inside the phone. I can’t believe I have another seven months of this. The pain of missing my kids is so great that sometimes I fear it will rip me in half. 

September 27th, 2017

Wednesday

Day 85

So…funny thing happened to me today…I went to the dentist and got two teeth pulled and afterward I was sitting outside waiting for my ride when this lady asked me what I was there for. I told her I had just had two teeth pulled and then she asked me if she could pray for me. I don’t mind people praying for me, so I said okay. She put her hand on my shoulder and said a long prayer asking God to take away my pain. Then she gave me twenty dollars!

SO weird.
Even weirder is that I’ve barely had ANY pain from these teeth. I’m a little sore, but that’s it.

Huh!

September 29th, 2017

Friday

Day 87

So I went to therapy at Crossroads–they just asked me a bunch of questions. Let’s see what my grief book has to say to me today: 

“The first year has to be what hell is like.”

–Min

6pm Group

She Recovers:

1. When she is encouraged to choose her own recovery path.
2. When she creates a vision for how she wants her life to be.
3. When she takes small and steady steps towards her vision.
4. When she makes peace with her past.
5. When she finally understands that self-care is the secret to her recovery.

I got hair dye with the money that the praying dentist lady gave me. Self care. Tonight is a hard night here. Crash’s son got hit too hard at the football game (that all three of my kids were at), and had to be carried off the field because he had no feeling in his arms or legs. I prayed and prayed for him and all of his family.