Love, Justine

TWO MONTHS MISSING

(No date)

6pm

The Big Boss gave me the okay to apply for online classes, so that’s mildly exciting. I say mildly because there’s a serious downside–now I have to beg for money from everybody and their mother. I started the application for the WISP scholarship through A Way Out, which helps abused women. Brystal said she would be one of my “recommenders,” so that’s really helpful. It turns out she’s not so bad after all.

I’m watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory–the Johnny Depp version–it’s super weird. 

No word from Medplast–the place I applied to work. I have so many things hanging in the air that it’s making me a little stressed. Kat gave me a bunch of bras, so I’m handing them out–they’re brand new. Not fancy, but a bra’s a bra. Those bitches are expensive. So I made some people happy.

Group on spirituality:

1. Experience the healing and empowerment of love–from others, self, and an ultimate source.
2. Experience renewing times of transcendence–expansive moments beyond the immediate sensory spheres.
3. Have vital beliefs that lend meaning and hope in the midst of losses, tragedies, and failures.
4. Have values, priorities, and life commitments centered on issues of justice, integrity, and love to provide guidance in personally and socially responsible living. 
5. Discover and develop inner wisdom, creativity, and love of self. 
6. Develop a deepening awareness of oneness with other people, the natural world, and all living things.

Pink says she was a model. Huh. Now I’ve met a model. She’s popping her teeth in and out right now and saying that she’s gained weight so her teeth don’t fit right. Maybe she needs a pair of skinny teeth and fat teeth like jeans. 

Haha.

She looks like Thing 1 and Thing 2 right now because her pink hair is all crazy and sticking up all over. And I thought my hair was bad. She had cornrows in her hair and took them out, that’s why it’s a mess. Omg we have to stay here until 7:30pm–blech. Half an hour of nothing left. 

Pink is telling everyone now that if she gets written up, she’s leaving. How dumb. An escape charge versus a write-up? 

Duh.

I wish it was bedtime. We’re not going to a meeting again tonight because of the weather. The roads are untouched by snow, but no matter. The Weather Channel predicts inches, so that’s that. So no seeing Ken this week. He hasn’t written me either. I doubt he will. When he asked me if I thought my friends were right, and we were destined to be together, I told him I didn’t think I believed in destiny. I’m not quite sure how true that is. I mean, is the Women’s Center my destiny? And if it is, WHY??! The time is craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawling. 

7:12pm

There are four women crammed on one couch–Tori, Tex, Joey, and Pink, and they are talking about how the angelfish in the fish tank is  anorexic. He does seem to spit out half his food. Maybe there are fish eating disorders. This spirituality packet says about journaling: 

“Journaling is another, often overlooked, contemplative practice that can help you become more aware of your inner life and feel more connected to your experience and the world around you. Studies show that writing during difficult times may help you find meaning in life’s challenges and become more resilient in the face of obstacles.”

7:26pm

In the history of all of the galaxies, time has never moved so slowly.

December 13th, 2017

Wednesday

Day163

9am

Group on Refusal Skills. Repeat of last week’s group. 

Fun.

So Mr. Big yelled at me for going to the meetings at Harbor on Tuesdays. So, I go to Crossroads an hour early, go to group for two hours and then sit there for another hour while Tori is in her individual session. Well, instead of sitting there, I was going to a meeting at Harbor for the second hour. Well, I guess I’m not supposed to do that.

Huh.

So he talks down to me and assumes I’m lying and being devious somehow, when in reality, I thought that’s what I was supposed to be doing!

WTF!!

9pm

I felt terrible today–half-asleep for most of it. I didn’t even go out for a cigarette between 11am and 7pm, I just didn’t want to be cold. It’s about 20 degrees outside. Even the Candy Man asked at the meeting if I was sick. Mr. Big bothered me all day and chastised me for not being a role model. Fuck that. Somedays I just feel like crap! I can’t help it!

Whatever.

No one could ever live up to his standards anyway. At the meeting tonight Pink got yelled at for laughing by Annie, who is usually very light hearted and soft spoken. She fairly shrieked, “I take my recovery very seriously, and if you don’t, you can leave!” It was uncomfortable for everybody, especially because it was at the very beginning of the meeting. 

Oh well.

I don’t know about her. Kat was telling me that she was going to talk to Mr. Big about her attitude. She’s always shouting and swearing about something. Off to bed.

December 14th, 2017

Thursday

Day164

1pm

Just got back from the dentist. Tex is upset because somebody on the street saw her and called her “healthy,” which, she says, is just another way of saying, “Wow you’ve gained some weight!”

Wow, my mind just got blown. Maybe there is hope for Pink. Comes in like a fuckin’ hurricane and now I find out she writes poetry!

Awesome!

And she’s writing poetry about staying clean! 

Double awesome! 

I met with the Parenting Classes lady for the second time today. She gave me a book called, “The Incredible Years.”

Today was a good day. The people at the church finally called me back and said that I can use their room the first and third Wednesdays of every month for my grief support group, so that’s awesome news. I’m going to start it January 17th. The meeting was good–it’s my home group and the one Mr. Big attends. He didn’t come to work today because he has a man-cold, from what I gather, which, as  everybody knows, are about a thousand times worse than any other type of cold.
I can’t wait to read this new book the parenting lady gave me–it looks really good. I have some reading to do in the AA Big Book too, before Sunday.

I talked to the boys tonight–tried to call Tiger but no answer–and they told me about sledding and how much they missed me. It’s so painful to hear that some days that I just don’t feel up to calling them at all. It just hurts so much. I was talking to Red today, who also has twins, and she said that she would put a bullet in her head if her parents refused to give her twins back.

I know the feeling.