Love, Justine

Women’s Center

December 15th, 2017

Friday

Day 165

11:30am

Now we’re having an anti-bullying meeting because Chantilly is bullying Elaine apparently (again). She seems to be hell-bent on having this abusive co-dependent relationship with Elaine where she tells her that nobody likes her so that she feels bad about herself so that she depends on her more, which is mean. Of course, it doesn’t work, because Elaine goes around being depressed and crying about how nobody likes her, and gets a lot of attention for it. Of course Chantilly just lies her way out of it because she is a compulsive liar.

Ugh.

At least it makes Pink feel better, who, ironically, is the person calling the meeting. A couple days ago she’s calling her lawyer to leave because Elaine farts near her, today she’s defending her against bullying. I don’t know whether that’s personal growth or bipolar disorder. I ate too much for lunch. Now we’re watching “28 Days” again.

December 16th, 2017

Day 160

Saturday

11am

Going to a meeting in Wellsboro with the gang. Nickolai is back! She’s not happy about it but I am. Haven’t heard about the job but I did hear from the Presbyterian Church about my grief group–they okay’d the first and third Wednesday nights at 8pm for my group. I’m going to start it January 17th so I can get the press release out and everything in time. I guess Nickolai finally told her Sugar Daddy about her pregnancy with another man–he didn’t care! Wow, I’m shocked and glad for her. At least she’ll have some options about places to stay if she gets out. I don’t get to see the kids this weekend. I have to get that court paperwork to Coudersport this week. My mother’s going to flip shit. 

Oh well.

Let her.

She started it. 

We’re going to be late to this meeting. Tex and Chantilly start work tomorrow. Tex says she’s going to act like she doesn’t know Chantilly. I read two AA stories in the back of the Big Book–I need to read more before I see my sponsor tomorrow. Hopefully it doesn’t snow so she comes. I can’t believe how loud Pink is. She is a good cook, though. And she writes good poetry–I’m going to transcribe some of it here, if she’ll let me. She made stuffed French toast this morning, it was good. Then we had to do Community Service at Mr. Big’s Church, then chores when we got back, now a meeting–what a Saturday.

Pink calls sex “hanky spanky.”  

Funny.

“Roxanne” is playing on the radio–Pink is head-banging to it. She’s so high-energy–good for entertainment value. Nickolai thinks she’s going to be at the Center until she has the baby. Pink has a toothache even though she has no teeth–phantom pain she says. 

Hm.

Let’s see what my Parenting book says.

1pm

Meeting was good. Tori says her pants are wet because one of the dudes there had giant feet and a tongue ring. 

Hm. My vagina is broken, I’m convinced. I think I’ve been re-virginized. I don’t even have sex DREAMS anymore. I still have dreams about doing drugs, but not sex. 

Hm.

Slammy says she’s going to get me a pair of winter boots, so that’ll be good. Classic rock on the radio–blech. The rest of the stations are Christmas music, which Tex hates, and she’s in charge of the radio. I only have to go to Crossroads on Thursdays now, so no more Tuesday group. I’m not at that “level of care” anymore, according to Mr. Big. He took yesterday off. Must be nice. I wish I could take four days off. I’m so sick of being at the Center. I’m considering asking for early release if I get this Senior Resident position. I have to try not to gain weight over the holidays, I’ve been doing good at least maintaining my weight lately and not gaining–155lbs. I ate too much candy yesterday–the Candy Man comes to meetings three times a week now. Tex just told Pink she’s going to punch her in the clit. That should be interesting. Pink is wearing stretchy pants with dream-catchers on them and Tex was making fun of her ass, saying that she was catching everybody’s dreams. It was funny.

Red got news that her probation officer wants her to stay at the Center for 4-5 months and then go to in-patient rehab after that, but she only has until February 2nd to “get her shit together” and get her kids back, or else she has to sign adoption papers. 

5pm

Now Tori, Nickolai, and I are watching some horrible movie where this 10-year old goes around killing people with a clown mask that’s based in the ‘70s. 

Gross.

Now he’s in a sanitarium. The mother still goes to see him. I don’t know what I would do if my child killed a bunch of people. The mother in this movie ends up killing herself.

God.

What a fucked up movie.

Nickolai just got a phone call from the State Police wanting to make good on her bench warrant, which she says she paid yesterday. Hopefully they can find a record of it.

Boy, this guy just keeps on killing people. I can’t handle this movie. I’m going to take a shower. 

I talked to the kids–all three at my parent’s house because they have my mother’s side of the family’s Christmas tomorrow. They were doing well–watching a movie and eating snacks like I should be doing with them. I’m so jealous. Henry said, “Mommy, I miss you when we don’t come to see you.” I told him I missed him too. I hope my parents are listening and that they don’t keep them from me when I get out of here, but I have a feeling they will.

8pm

Now we’re watching Fred Claus. It’s about Santa Claus’ bitter brother.

December 17, 2017

Day 167

Sunday

No visit today. I’m bitter today. And ridiculously tired. Good thing it’s Sunday and I can sleep. I have a head-cold. Sometimes I get so down here that it seems there’s nothing to look forward to. I can’t even call the kids because I know my mother won’t answer her cell phone. She said she would consider bringing the boys Wednesday, but she didn’t know. That probably means no.

December 18th, 2017

Day 168

Monday

1pm

I got a lot of rest yesterday, that was nice. Women’s Health group right now. Breast cancer–being a woman, growing older, having a close blood relative with breast cancer, having breast cancer in one breast already, bla bla bla.

Oh my goodness, the Women’s Health lady had a son that died this past summer (suicide), so I gave her a flier for my group. Poor woman. 

Group over.

Ha! Now we’re making up words–Red thought that Kegel exercises were pronounced Queegle, so they decided that Queegle means queefing when you’re doing your Kegels.

Funny.

5pm

Watching Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2–it’s funny. Joey got everybody personalized water bottles–mine has cats on it and Tori’s has poop on it! Funny!

Omg.

Elaine just called Pink the Wicked Witch of the West. She had to go to the doctor because we both went for the ball in volleyball the other day, and she ended up with a jammed finger. Now she has to wear a splint for a while.

6:30pm

Now Pink is crying and freaking out–saying Brystal is a totally different person when Kat is not around. Now she wants to talk to her kids and she’s bawling her face off. Oh boy, now Brystal, on of the Residential workers, heard her call her a fat fucking bitch and she’s writing her up and she can’t go to the meeting tonight. And she has to go to her room when she gets off the phone. Everything is fuck this and fuck that and she wants to go back to jail.

Dumb.