Love, Justine

Women’s Center

December 19th, 2017

Day 169

Tuesday

9am

On our way to Coudersport for grocery shopping and to distribute my fliers for the grief group. And hopefully to stop at the courthouse, so I can file this paperwork so that the boys can come every weekend, no questions asked. Nickolai is upset today because her Sugar Daddy hasn’t answered the phone last night or today. I worry about that predicament. She and her Baby Daddy decided that they would be together now, but she still needs the Sugar Daddy for money to pay for cigarettes and fines and such. I hope he didn’t quit her, but it seems inevitable. She’s really upset that he won’t answer the phone anyway.

12pm

Grocery shopping done. On our way back to the Center. I got the court papers sent to my parents. Here we go again. My mother’s going to fight me just out of spite, I bet. 

1pm

Now we’re watching and addiction movie: frontal cortex, bumps and grooves, gyri and sulci, determine judgment, morality, personality–frontal cortex determines choice, emotions.

Drugs work in the midbrain–does not think, does not handle choices. Tells us to eat, defend ourselves, sex drive. 

In addiction, drugs work on the midbrain.

Pleasure center–drug is in survival spot (instead of eating, etc.)

Brain’s Hidonic Capacity

{Pleasure Sense}

Defect in the brain’s ability to perceive, process, and act upon pleasurable experiences.

Addiction–Pleasure Unwoven

Brain weaves together memories, emotions, etc., to create a pleasurable experience. 

1. Genes
2. Reward
3. Memory
4. Stress
5. Choice

40-60% genetic, but something in the environment has to turn the genes on. 

Dopamine–

Survival

1. Eat!
2. Kill!
3. Sex!
4. Drug!

Glutamate–memory chemical

Good stuff. 

Paul Bunyan wrote me! 

He’s doing well as far as I can tell, but not making much money working at the bank, poor guy. Also, Joey gave me the nicest card today. On the outside, it says: 

You are never alone. There’s a wonderful peace in just knowing that God never leaves us alone, and whether we feel He is with us or not, He loves us and calls us His own. His Word is our hope and our comfort, a refuge when life brings our way those times we need wisdom and guidance and strength to sustain us each day. 

Then on the inside it says: 

I think of you often and hope that you find God’s love brings you comfort and great peace of mind, always remember that I really do care–If you think I can help, please just call. I’ll be there.

Then, she wrote on the inside:

“Justine, 

You have touched my heart in so many ways. You’ve been my listening ear, my lean on to walk, you’ve broken my heart when the ones who should be seeing your hard efforts haven’t. I know I haven’t done much, but I hope I have helped some. I will never forget you and I hope you don’t forget me. I know you call your kids but maybe you can call me too. As soon as I move into my house I will write so you have my direct address. I hope that just as I’ve seen how you are trying, everyone in your family will see and be even more proud of you than I am. Thank you for your friendship you’ve given me while I’ve been here and I hope it doesn’t end once I’m gone. I’ll be praying for you to be reunited with those beautiful babies and never be away from them again. I’ll miss you!

Love, 

Joey

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So nice!

I hugged her for a really long time after that. 

We’re watching “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” and naming each character after people here at the Center. It’s funny. Psych wards aren’t so different from this place. Nurse Ratchet is Kat. Funny. 

4:30pm

Oh my. 

All of the staff is having a meeting, so Old Toothless and I were both in the laundry room doing laundry. She got upset because the washer she wanted was being used, and then there was no good soap and of course there was no staff to ask and…she started crying. Like hung her head and just wailed. Poor girl. I hugged her and told her that I would turn on the TV for her and put on the Hallmark Channel, like she likes. I hope I don’t get into trouble, but I didn’t know what else to do. We weren’t supposed to be using the front lounge because of the meeting, but oh well. 

I didn’t know what else to do.

Omg.

Now the staff meeting is out and two people got writeups, Pink and Nickolai. Pink for threatening to punch Brystal.

December 20th, 2017

Day 170

Wednesday

Last night was good–at the meeting we all had to share using the word rainbow. Nicholai picks a word for every meeting that we have to use, and that encourages everybody to share at meetings. 

December 21st, 2017

Day 171

Thursday

Happiness is a form of freedom, and of all people, I should be the freest. I’ve earned this happiness and this freedom.

–Angela L. Wozniak

Happiness is always within my power. My attitude is at the helm.

When you pray for God’s guidance, don’t complain when it’s different from your preference. 

—Our Daily Bread

I can pray for guidance without any expectation. I know I will get what I need. 

Well, I got a bimple. That’s a boob pimple, for anybody who doesn’t know. On my way to Crossroads counselling–two hours of group and then one hour of individual. This guy likes bad 80s music–Everybody’s Workin’ for the Weekend

Being informed of and following the rules of the Women’s Center will be beneficial to my future. Following the rules is important because rules provide structure and stability, and hows respect for yourself and others. 

Not following rules

Not getting into trouble

Being able to succeed

This about sums it up:

“The more you follow the rules, the more you don’t have to write an essay.”

–Alana

Nickolai got on restriction for being somewhere she wasn’t supposed to be–same thing I got written up for. She’s really stressing about the essay–500 words on following the rules. 

She’s also stressing a lot about Baby Daddy vs. Sugar Daddy to pay for fines and warrants and cigarettes, but loves and wants to be with Baby Daddy– *sigh*

The struggle is real. 

I told her she has to get rid of Sugar Daddy one way or another, but she’s dragging her feet. I probably would milk that cash cow for all it was worth first too, if I’m being honest. She’s in a tough spot trying to plan for this baby and never knowing what happens next. 

Tex changed the radio station–she doesn’t even ask anymore–the drivers hate it. 

Yesterday turned out to be a really great day. Nickolai seems even more focused on her recovery than ever right now, which is awesome. She cried the other night when everybody shared using the word rainbow. The next night the word was revelation, and next, survivor. I’ve started to pass out fliers for my grief support group, Survivors Anonymous. I think the name is stupid, but maybe it’ll catch on. 

I miss my kids so much. 

My mother says that she might bring the kids the day after Christmas.

“Pour Some Sugar On Me” is on the radio. I guess the 80s won the battle–good song. 

It’s nice and sunny today. The new male residential worker is on today–I wonder how he’ll do up against Pink all day. I already don’t want to go back there. 

Speaking of Pink, she saw a really nice grey coat in the supply closet and thought of me, so she put it in my room with a Christmas card yesterday.

How nice!

You know, if she could control her mouth, she’d not be bad at all. What a temper! Loves the drama. Addicted to it, it seems–her voice is permanently hoarse from yelling all of the time, I think. Bud a good person deep down–hard exterior.

Like a beetle or something.

Armor on the outside.

Maybe I should call her Junebug–loud and obnoxious, with an exoskeleton, flying around bugging people, looking for drama. 

Okay, okay, I’ll stop.

Tori’s high on cough medicine, and she wrote me this in group in super tiny writing: 

Have a really low tolerance for this. My body feels like novocaine numb. I need a shower my vagina smells like cat food. Walls look a little melty. I’m gonna blame it on my meds, haha. 

Oh my. I hope there are no repercussions for this. Oh Tori, Tori, Tori…..never grew up. Poor girl. Parented herself all those years waiting for her mother to mother her…still waiting…that’s her hole, her deep dark secret. 

Bad Mom

I had one too. 

Now as I look at her staring hopelessly out the window…I encouraged her to call her kids on Christmas. She says they never answer when she calls, so it’s disappointing. She says she has not attainable goals, so that’s why she’s not trying. I tackled to her about college and kids but…you can see it in her eyes.

She’s dead from neglect. 

Nobody caring for Tori. 

She’s in mourning for her lost soul.

Back at the Center. Nickolai and Mr. Big are butting heads today–he told her to “wipe that look off of your face,” when we were having lunch. I would have told him to not go around saying how people’ faces should look. 

I cried in individual therapy today. 

I’m so sad that I won’t be there for Christmas.

Watching Bones on TV. Mind vacation–much needed.