Love, Justine

Women’s Center

December 27th, 2017

Day 177

Wednesday

8am

I shouldn’t have been so hard on Nickolai last night. When we got done with the meeting, Kat asked me to talk to her because Nickolai wanted a cigarette bad and was talking about leaving. It turned out that the reason she didn’t want to go to the meeting was valid–the other women had apparently gotten ahold of some Suboxone and they were all high. 

High at an NA meeting.

And Nickolai is all about taking her recovery seriously, so she couldn’t go to the meeting. That makes me proud of her. I’m sure she had the opportunity to do some too, and she didn’t. I’ve made it clear to everyone that I don’t even want to know anything about the drugs in this place, and I’m not interested in partaking, so I had no idea. She’s setting herself apart. This is good news!

In other news, I talked to Mr. Big about Barbie, and he says I can’t save her and to focus on my recovery.
Blech.

I was hoping he’d say anything but that.

12pm

Off to my psychiatrist appointment with Christian Music Driver–he’s so nice. He had a nice Christmas–lots of church. My psychiatrist thinks I might have a vitamin deficiency–she’s testing me for my B12 and D levels. We’ll see how that goes. I have a cold that won’t go away–I haven’t slept in two nights because I can’t breathe through my nose–yuck.

9pm

Gross–we went to the meeting and stupid Brash was there with his dog and Sugar Momma (one of them). I can’t stand him! I just look at him and am instantly furious. I know I shouldn’t let him rent space in my head and have any sort of power like that over me, but I can’t seem to help it. I’m rising above, I’m rising above.

God, grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference

Fuck you, Brash. The End. I’m done with it.

December 28th, 2017

Day 178

Tiger’s birthday

Thursday

Today is Tiger’s birthday–I called her and talked to her. She told me that both of my boys have pinkeye and ear infections. Mr. Big told me that if my blog or book make a million, he wants royalties. 

Haha.

Everybody’s sick here–we’re all sitting around trying to decide on a movie–I think we’re going to watch War Room–I haven’t seen it before. Tori and Nickolai are snuggling together and Nickolai thinks that Tori’s feet smell. She’s offering to change her socks for her. Tori found out that she gets early release in February. I need to call my lawyer (Public Defender) and get the paperwork together to see if I can get early release in April or May. This movie is about a real-estate agent that befriends an old woman named Clara who has a room in her house where she prays called her War Room. The younger woman’s name is Elizabeth Jordan, which is really funny, because Nickolai wants to name her baby Temperance Elizabeth Jordan.
Maybe it’s a sign.

Movie:

Be grateful for your blessings

Forgiveness will set you free

Pray in secret with no distractions

Submit to God, resist the Devil, and he will flee

For some reason, Elizabeth’s feet stink in this movie–I have no idea what that has to do with God. Poor Red is snoring (and farting) on the couch beside me–everybody feels like crap. I had a bad dream last night about zombies–the Center didn’t get my medication filled that prevents my nightmares–Kat finally went to bat for me and gave 3rd shift a hard time about calling it in. Luckily, I knew it was a dream and woke myself up. I like that I know how to do that now. Maybe this movie will teach me how to pray. I pray every day, but all I say is:

Dear God, 

Thank you for everything I have, and thank you for this day. Please let me know your will for the day, and God bless my kids.
Amen

Fake it till you make it, right?

Gert accidentally put lotion in the soap dispensers in the bathrooms, so Mr. Big said, “Well, at least you’ll be smooth and dirty.”

Haha.

Sounds like a bad porno.

Well, they’re all bad these days. They also put a heater in the group room. I told them they were going to have to hire someone to cuddle me at night pretty soon. 

Today at Crossroads I saw Barbie and was excited to see her and couldn’t wait to hear about her Christmas. Her news? Christmas was good but boring, and tonight she was excited about because she was going to get herself some Black dick! I was like………………….WAIT………………………..WHAT?? 

So, the highlight of your week is your cheap Tinder date???

WhatEVER, Bitch.

7pm

Getting ready for the meeting–Nickolai’s emotions are all over the place. She’s really upset that Pink is dating her brother, and that she has to deal with her at all, and she didn’t realize that she had this rage about her simmering just below the surface all of the time, until Mr. Big pointed it out today. Plus she misses her old body. It’s a lot. 

December 29th, 2017

Friday

Day 179

7:30am

Blech.

I barely slept at all last night AGAIN because I can’t breathe through my nose. Last night we had our “Group Conscious” meeting after the NA meeting–which consists of me, Tori, Mr. Big, and one other person, and discussed where the funds of the group were going. It made me feel good to be a part of something again. I think that I might be getting my sense of purpose and worth back.

Also, yesterday, a reporter from a couple newspapers outside of the area picked up the news of my grief support group and wanted to write an article about it, so that’s pretty awesome. Also, one person did email me to tell me that they wanted to join the group, so I’m pretty excited about that too.

At least it won’t be just me and a pot of coffee sitting in a church alone.

Time for Community, and we’re supposed to bring our handbooks. This should be fun. Everybody is still sick here. Chantilly has Kleenexs stuffed up her nostrils and looks ridiculous, and Tori and Nickolai are snuggling on the couch–oh, not anymore, Mr. Big made them sit up. Jerk.

9am

Oh this man makes me crazy!! Last night I was talking to a guy (who I really like and respect) at the NA meeting who has also lost two children, and he happens to be Mr. Big’s sponsor. He was showing me this fourth step that a woman did that took THREE YEARS to do, and it was very impressive and thorough. He had really brought it in for Nickolai, as I am done with my fourth step for now, and she is struggling with it. After this man had left, Mr. Big said to me, “Don’t you have a sponsor?” And I said yes, and asked him why he had asked. He muttered something about, “Well, if you had already started doing something one way, then it doesn’t make sense to start doing it another way…”, and I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about until Nickolia suggested that maybe he was jealous and thought I was trying to steal his sponsor or something. This made me furious–how immature and passive-aggressive!

So, I said something this morning about how I don’t like it when people are passive-aggressive with me, and that I wasn’t sponsor-shopping, or trying to steal his sponsor, and he cut me off with, “Well here’s the problem–okay, I get it.” and then walked away. 

What the fuck does that mean??!!

And how incredibly rude! I wasn’t done talking! The point of my whole tirade was that if he had something to do or say to me, I’d appreciate it if he just said it, instead of beating around the bush. Being direct is best with me. No games, and I don’t want to have to decipher what the fuck you’re taking about. 

I want a cigarette. I need to get my mind off this. I’m letting him rent space in my head. He’s squatting in my subconscious, which makes me mad, because it’s giving him power that he doesn’t deserve. 

Ugh. 

Let’s see what my child development book says: Focus on Positive Behaviors. Oh-, time for group on Child Development. Chantilly is moaning that she’s not a parent anymore, so she’s not going to participate, and Nickolai is saying that this is a waste of paper and she wants to get high. 

Hm.

I am the only one that’s awake for this group. There are four main Types of parents: Authoritarian (my parents), Permissive (best way to parent), and Permissive (this may be me) and Uninvolved.

Motivate and encourage your children, clearly communicate, resolve conflicts, handle anger, discipline in positive ways, make sure your child feels loved.

Punishment vs. Discipline

Punishment is done out of anger and does not include learning.

Discipline teaches children. 

10pm

Meeting was good. Poor Red has a bad toothache and Mr. Big won’t let her go to the ER. She’s using a corn bag on her face that smells like a hot fart when she heats it up.

Poor girl.

Tori and Nickolai and I were all sitting in the dining room drinking French vanilla tea and eating cheese and crackers and I commented about how we should have our pinkies up and have English accents. Tori wouldn’t attempt it because she hates the accent, Nickolai sounded Australian, and mine was vaguely Irish sounding. It was funny. I’m grateful for these women. They keep me going. At dinner tonight Tori was commenting on the chicken we were eating. She was like, “Don’t make us crispy chicken, acting like these bitches have all their teeth or something!” It was funny. Chantilly and Elaine were the only two in the room with all of their teeth. Pink and Old Toothless (obviously) have no teeth, and the rest of us are missing teeth here and there from years of neglect and drug use.

I can’t wait to see the kids on Sunday. I’m not sure what we’re going to do, but I’m sure we’ll find a way to fill up the time. I hope my mother doesn’t come–I don’t feel like dealing with her attitude about the court papers. I wonder what they’ll say about it.