Love, Justine

Women’s Center

December 30th, 2017

Day 180 

Saturday

9pm

I slept ALL day. I just didn’t sleep this week because of my stuffy nose. Nickolai had an eventful day. I guess she freaked out this morning over smoking or chores or something, and then this evening she laughed so hard she peed her pants in the kitchen. That must have been something to see. Now we’re watching her belly move. SHe wants to name her baby Temperance Elizabeth Jordan. 

I think that’s pretty. I didn’t eat dinner, so I’m starving. I just couldn’t get up today. We went to do Community Service at the church today, but the key Brystal had didn’t work so we got out of that.

Omg.

Tori just took a shower and made me go see the tub, which is coated with hair! 

She shaved her pubes!

December 31, 2017

Sunday

Day 181

5pm

Visit went well. I hate to say it, but it’s hard to spend any time with the boys when Tiger’s there, because they want to play together. Maybe if they were all there for two hours instead of the boys only staying for one, I would get to spend time with all three of them. Of course it’s nice to have time with Tiger alone too.

Today we were painting and Dubya was sleeping over in the corner–I guess he was up all night fighting a fire–and Tiger commented that sometimes he snores and sometimes he doesn’t when he sleeps. I told her that I remember him snoring–LOUD–when we lived together. Then she told me that he and his new wife don’t sleep together and don’t even like each other! 

I couldn’t believe it!

They just got married this year and he sleeps on the couch?!

Unbelievable.

What a nice environment for Tiger to grow up in. 

January 1st, 2018

Monday 

Day 182

6pm

 Happy New Year. Everyone is miserable here, it seems. We’re not going to a meeting for the third day in a row, so people are throwing fits. We did have some good food, though. Full House instead of group, which I appreciate.

Nickolai did a group this morning where we each wrote nice things about each other on tiny pieces of paper and then each put them inside a balloon and blew them up. Then we each wrote our bad qualities on the outside of the balloons and tied them around our wrists for the day. Then tomorrow we’ll pop the balloons and read all of the nice things people said about us.

January 2nd, 2018

Day 183

Tuesday

8am

Dram drama drama. Pink is really upset for some reason and wants to talk to Mr. Big–who is ignoring her freak-out. She was on the phone with her lawyer again and is talking about leaving. Something having to do with her kids’ caretaker.

Nickolai named the catfish in the fish tank after Mr. Big. 

Funny. 

He’s running into the other fish in the tank and Tori says he’s going to catch a whole write-up for it.

Great. 

Now Mr. Big came up to me and asked me if I needed to tell him anything. If anything is weighing on my conscience. 

WTF.

Now I have to be worried.

Great. 

Of course I couldn’t think of anything.

Nickolai is crazy hungry right now. It’s all she can think about. She’s bugging all of the staff about it shamelessly, even the Big Boss!

11am

This day is dragging so bad. Time to smoke. Pretty soon Nickolai will be able to eat, thank the Lord.

2pm

Omg. 

I just had one of those nerve-wracking meetings with Mr. Big and The Big Boss–they wanted to know if I knew anything about somebody taking money from the collection basket at meetings!!!!

Jesus God, like I would volunteer to be the Treasurer and then steal their money!!!!

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr………..

I’m kind of pissed about it  and kind of scared–I really liked doing that 🙁. Now the meeting’s going to be switched anyway, so we won’t be going there anymore, I guess. 

Fuck.

That gave me a sense of purpose. Also, my parents are going to fight me on the boys staying for two hours every other week now too–my mother called and wanted all of the dates she’s been here written down (so she can tell them to a judge.)

Ah, well, such is life with my parents. 

In other news, Mr. Big Told me that there was a picture of me and an article in the paper for my grief group. All he said was, “so much for anonymity.” 

Jerk.

A couple people so far have emailed me about it, which is exciting. 

Now we’re watching Spider Man 3, which is more entertaining than I would have thought.

9pm

NA movie–speaker

DENIAL = Don’t Even Know I Am Lying

“Thank God in NA we don’t shoot our wounded. We’d have an empty room.”

“The Walk of Pain”

“NA is the most dangerous spectator sport in the world.”

“What’s the difference between a codependent and a toilet seat?

–A toilet seat doesn’t follow you around after you shit all over it.”

Denial about the problem.

Denial about the solution.

Narcotics are an artificial means to a spiritual experience. 

“If someone die to me what I did to myself, I would’ve killed them.”

“Rebuild the man and the whole world will fall into place.”

I am so pissed at Nikolai right now. I don’t even want to talk to her. She’s had a severely bad attitude lately, and has been making a huge deal about EVERY little thing that pisses her off, which is EVERYTHING!!!!

Great, now I can’t ever let her read my journal again. She keeps saying that she’s done with recovery and is not even going to try anymore, which makes me CRAZY!! We even got into a fight in the middle of our in-house NA meeting (that I was supposed to be chairing) and she walked out!

You know what I really want to say to her? I want to make her watch videos of my perfect baby girl Kaylee when she is happy and wiggly and stuffing her hands into her smiling mouth. Then I want to show her the cover of Kidowed, which is me sitting between the graves of my firstborn son and my daughter. Then I want to explain just a TINY bit about losing a child–that it is hands-down the most excruciatingly painful thing that a person can go through, and I would know. I’ve lived through a teenage mother who didn’t want or care for me, sexual, physical, and emotional/physical abuse, divorces, drug addiction, alcoholism, and PTSD, just to scratch the surface. 

And losing a child (or two) is bar-none the absolute ultimate in pain. 

And do you know why I would want her to know this?

Here’s why:

Because losing custody of a child is the NEXT most painful thing a person can experience.

And if she’s going to get the fuck-its about recovery, she might well just throw that baby in a garbage can when she’s born, and save them both the trouble of Nidolai attempting to parent in active addiction.

And that’s what the fuck I want to scream right into her sarcastic, selfish face when she gets all high and mighty about Whatever Petty, Small Thing (that probably can’t be changed) That Nickolai Is Bitching About Now, while saying that she wants to use and doesn’t care about recovery. 

January 3rd, 2018

Day 184

Wednesday

1pm

I’m supposed to be at an interview for senior resident, but I guess it was cancelled.

6pm

Well, they ended up interviewing me but not Tori for the senior resident position, which broke her heart. I do hope they at least interview her too. They only asked me like four questions–why do you want this position, what is something that is misunderstood about you (to which I replied I’m nicer than I look), who else would I recommend for the position…and the last I can’t remember. I think I did reasonably well.

9:30pm

Great. 

I got my first angry phone call about the articles in the paper. Joy, who runs the current grief group in Coudersport, called me, saying that what I said in the article was “hurtful” to her group. The article quoted me as saying that the grief group in Coudersport ONLY served bereaved widows. 

Fuck.

Well, the truth is that WHEN I went to the group 10 Goddamn years ago, there WERE only bereaved widows there, and so I COULDN’T identify with anyone there. 

So I had to contact the reporter and ask her to print a correction. 

Gawd. 

We’ll see if she gets back to me. 

In other news, Nikolai and I are speaking again, so that’s good. I never should have gotten so mad and said those things about her. 

Ugh.

My character defects are rearing their ugly heads.