Women’s Center
January 4th, 2017
Day 185
Thursday
Uh oh.
Mr. Big found Tori’s stash of stuff to pass drug tests…she’s having a really bad day, obviously.
This sucks.
Reminds me of when I got in trouble a few months ago–I just wanted to die.
Of shame.
Today is Crossroads again–we’ll see what gems of brain-food Barbie comes up with today. I heard she has a boyfriend now. That’s all she needs in early recovery. Some guy to screw it all up for her. Well, to be honest, she’s doing a pretty good job of screwing it up herself. I’m almost onto my seventh journal. Now Tori is arguing with Mr. Big about getting ready for her appointment today–she says she’s going in her pajamas and he wants her to “get her life together.” She’s refusing because she wants to go to Crossroads but she has a doctor’s appointment. If I were her, I wouldn’t be refusing to do anything he asked me to do.
1pm
Crossroads was good. I talked about my problems in group and in my individual session. I have the 82-year old driver who was one of nine kids that his mother raised alone. He tells that story every time.
That’s okay.
I hope my children are proud of me someday.
I wonder what it will be like back at the Center now. Probably there will be a whole bunch of new rules. That’s okay with me. I’m sick of being immersed in drugs every day (even if I’m not doing them)– being asked for my pills, being asked for my pee because it’s clean, etc. It’s a huge trigger for me to even see other people get high. I’d rather just not have to deal with it. I told everybody a long time ago that I didn’t even want to be asked if I want some when they have drugs, mostly because I’m still in early recovery, and I’m not sure I’d have the willpower to keep saying no. I feel like I can’t trust anybody.
I hate living at the Potter County Women’s Recovery Center.
January 7th, 2018
Day 188
Sunday
12:45pm
It has really sucked her lately. Smoking was taken away, meetings were taken away, every room got searched, and everybody had to move rooms down to the other end of the building until the heat is fixed. The only upside is that we get to sleep on the big comfy mattresses again.
I love those beds–I never want to get out of it.
Gert seems to be on a rampage lately, but only when it comes to me. Every time I’m asleep (which is often lately–I have a hell of a sinus infection), she wakes me up just to ask if I’m okay, then she hands the COmmunity book to me every morning, and then yesterday she wanted me to pull a freaking group out of my ass on the spot! Oh, Jess, it’s resident’s choice group, what are you going to do?
I DON’T KNOW!
Also, we’re not allowed to use the computer or phone until further notice. Jennie, the church lady, just called to say she wasn’t coming.
Great.
I have a stomachache today, probably because I’m swallowing so much crap from my nose. An hour and a half until visit–Tiger’s coming too. I don’t know what the hell we’re going to do for two hours. Now we have to ask to go to our rooms again, which is a huge pain in the ass. We all have to hang out in the lounge all freakin’ day.
It’s bad.
There’s not even enough seats to go around, so people have to sit on the floor.
Tori is having a hard day. She wants to apologize to Mr. Big, but she doesn’t know how. I told her to write it down. Apparently he told her that she “didn’t deserve to go to meetings.” Maybe someone should remind him that the only requirement for attending meetings is a desire to stop using.
I’m going to read my AA book. My sponsor should be coming tonight.
“It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness.”
“We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick.”
“We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended us we said to ourselves, ‘This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done.”
Bill: “I was asked to sit quietly when in doubt, asking only for direction and strength to meet my problems as He would have me.”
January 8th, 2017
Day 189
Monday
11am
Therapy today–it was okay. Trying to catch my therapist up on everything that’s been going on in one hour was quite a challenge.
3pm
Watching the Hallmark Channel and moving almost all of our stuff out of our old rooms according to the PCWRC Handbook.
Fun.
Four shirts and pants, two pairs of shoes, etc., etc. Mr. Big just walked in while two people were getting married on the Hallmark channel (shocker), and the preacher was saying, “Marriage is forever and ever…” , and Mr. Big said, “That’s a long time.” Of course I piped up with, “Not for me! Forever and ever last about three years on average.”
Ha. Ha.
I got a new book for Christmas from Jennie called, “Praying God’s Word: Breaking Free From Spiritual Strongholds.”
It defines strongholds as:
“Whether the stronghold is an addiction, unforgiveness toward a person who has hurt us, or despair over a loss, it is something that consumes so much of our emotional and mental energy that abundant life is strangled–our callings remain largely unfulfilled and our believing lives are virtually ineffective. Needless to say, these are the enemy’s precise goals.”
Isaiah 55:11-12
“So is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
But will accomplish what I desire
And achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
You will go out in joy
And be led forth in peace,
The mountains and the hills
Will burst into song before you,
And all of the trees of the field
Will clap their hands.”
The Revelation To John:
“Write what you see in a book and send it to the seven churches to Ephesus and to Smyrna and to Pergamum and to Thyatira and to Sardis and to Philadelphia and to Laodicea.”
“Write therefore the things that you have seen, those that are and those are to take place after this.”
10pm
God.
Yesterday King cried when the visit was over and again tonight when I had to get off the phone. He told me he loved me and Superman did too. I don’t know how we’re going to do another four months of this.
January 9th, 2018
Day 190 Tuesday
8:30am
Off to Coudersport to drop Nickolai and Pink off at GED, then Red at court. I’m just along for the ride so I wasn’t the only one left at the Center. Tori has Crossroads today and Old Toothless and Elaine have PRIDE at mental health. It’s been rumored that we’re getting a new woman tomorrow–we’ll see. It’s supposed to be Elaine’s cousin, who is not a nice person and has child molestation charges (also rumors). We also have to go grocery shopping today–fun, fun.
I have to write a letter to my lawyer by the end of the month about early release in April. Well, possible early release. I hope to God they grant it. Of course I don’t know where I’m going to go when I get out. MedPlast still hasn’t called me back and I put that application in two weeks ago. I also haven’t been able to check my email to see if that reporter emailed me back–Mr. Big has the computer locked. I also want to check on the status of my scholarship application and write a proposal for grant money for my grief group, so this not being able to get on the computer is a huge inconvenience for me.
Poor Red is nervous about court–it has something to do with her kids. It would be nice if there was a lawyer who would represent the women at the Women’s Center for free.
Last night at the meeting, the topic was anger, which was great timing for me, since I’m struggling with it. There was a lot of advice to “give it to God,” and to not let other people rent space in your head. I cried when my sponsor came on Sunday, saying that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive my mother.
Speaking of attorneys, I need to have a guardian ad litem for my kids…I wonder if I can do that from the Center. I need to make a list of all of the things I need to do.
List 1/9/18
- Attorney ad litem for kids
- Check WISP scholarship
- Grant proposal for money (coffee, snacks, books, pamphlets) for group
- Return Affidavit of Service to courthouse
- Check email for reporter
- Write Public Defender letter–early release
- Call Presbyterian Church
- Call psychiatrist re: bloodwork
January 12th, 2018
Day 193
Friday
8:30am
Yesterday was really hard. Some days are so difficult that I can’t even write about them until the next day. Last night I just sobbed before bed–so many emotions. The day started with a bang when Kasey, the new woman, came out of the bathroom (I was waiting to get in the bathroom), crashed into the wall, stumbled into the opposite wall, bumped her head, and crumpled to the floor. I tried to catch her and ease her to the floor, but I’m afraid that I wasn’t much help. Tori and Pink took serial blood pressure and pulse readings–it was very low–while the staff scurried around trying to figure out what to do, because the Big Boss and Mr. Big were both off for the day. She eventually went to the hospital, and I went off to Crossroads.
She swore it was her medication that she had taken the night before that made her dizzy, but I’m on the same dosage and milligrams as her with normally low blood pressure and I never have any problems. She’s rumored to be a drinker, and I wonder if she’s having withdrawal DT’s–she was pale and shaky too.
In any case, when we went to Crossroads, we had to do group by looking at another person and finishing the sentence: “I feel compassion for you because…” , and then give them some positive and loving feedback to lift them up afterward. Of course I was really emotional, and when it came time for me to do Tori, I cried.
(Scribbling–some unintelligible and trailing off into nothing…writing while falling asleep)
January 13th, 2018
Day 194
Saturday
I’m so incredibly tired and emotional…I can’t stay awake–the Sleep Nazi is here and I feel like…ewwww… There’s nothing to do. Barbie is the Nanny. I am so tired I have no idea what I’m writing…Now I want a cig 🙁. I don’t want to shovel snow! I feel terrible! Oh Jen, please have mercy. I wonder what’s for lunch. I think we’re going to go cook.
Bla.
(Scribbling done)
Back from lunch. I feel marginally better. Lunch was good–had a salad and stir-fry, I’m very full. Nickolai says she needs a douche for her butthole because she can’t poop. I’m pretty sure she means an enema. Now they’re talking about putting eyedrops in people’s water to cause diarrhea. She really wants to poop–it’s starting to hurt her. There’s been an Armpit Hair Strike around here–nobody’s shaving their armpits for some reason. We didn’t have razors for so long, but now we do. Now they’re talking about having healthy hair when they’re high because they didn’t shower for weeks. They’re playing a card game that is supposed to tell you answers when you ask it questions–they want to ask it questions about Mr. Big’s love life, but the Sleep Nazi won’t let them. I bet it would be funny–the questions they asked. I can’t wait until 3pm when I can take a nap. I do not feel good today. Can’t wait to see the boys tomorrow–have to call Tiger today. I still haven’t been able to get on the computer all week.
Now they’re talking about my blog.
Yeesh.
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