Love, Justine

WOMEN’S CENTER

January 18th, 2018

Day 199

Thursday

2pm

I’ve called my kid’s attorney (guardian ad litem) three times since yesterday. No reply so far. I hope she calls. I was at Crossroads all morning–two hours of women’s group and then an hour of individual counseling. It’s my last day with the women’s group, so they all said nice things about me before group was over. They said things like I’m strong, inspirational, knowledgeable, and have leadership qualities. I don’t know that I believe any of that. Most days I don’t feel those things, especially lately. Then I had individual therapy, where I mostly talked about how stressed I am! I just wish this anxiety would let us, it’s driving me crazy! I usually can talk myself out of it, but not lately. I’m not eating or sleeping…ugh. Nothing I can do, I guess, except wait for this whole situation with Tori to pass, or at least reach a resolution.

Cantilly finally gave me back my grief book. I never finished it. Near the end it talks about when “Special” Children Die: Families of children with cystic fibrosis seem to suffer profoundly following the child’s death, partly because family life revolved around the illness.

That’s how I felt when Ethan died–I didn’t know what to do with my time because he absorbed every second. I threw myself into volunteering, fostering cats, and got another job, moved, etc.

“Parent of handicapped children [who die]…have lives deprived of meaning and purpose in a singular and profound manner.”

“The long-range consequences following the death of a child with special needs may be even more pervasive than for healthy children.”

Social Relationships

“When people outside the immediate family are encountered who do not allow…expressions of emotions and thoughts about deceased children, it creates a resentment that is difficult to control. Many times a wedge is driven between those suffering the loss and very dear and close friends. We can refer to this as a “wedge of ignorance” –ignorance about the great importance of open communication.”

–Ronald J. Knapp, Beyond Endurance

Social Support

“There are greater impediments to getting social support for bereaved parents than for other mourners.”

“The members are an island of souls who have been or still are in hell, but who have to function in the real world among foreigners who don’t know the language of the island.”

January 19th, 2018

Day 200

Friday

2pm

New grief book: Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby (wait–there’s a MANUAL, and nobody TOLD me??), by Deborah L Davis, Ph.D.

“While the death of a parent or friend represents a loss of your past, when your baby dies, you lose a part of your future.”

“Some parents feel that ‘back to normal’ is an unrealistic goal. That this experience has changed them forever.”

I can’t wait until 3pm when I can lay down. I’m exhausted from court this morning with my parents. It went fairly well, I guess.

10pm

The court order says  that I get the first and fifth Sundays of the month for two hours, and one hour every other Sunday of the month. They also have to notify me within 72 hours if they cancel, and make up that time at a later visit, and if they “desire to stay longer” at the visit, they may do so, subject to the regulations at the Women’s Center,” which doesn’t help me at all because the rules of the Center say only one hour.

Now I have to get an attorney for Tiger–she definitely needs a guardian ad litem. I didn’t even think of that when I went to court with Dubya. I also have to see if I can get early release–I’m very worried about this Tori thing. Only me and Tex were on the meds she was shooting up, so I could be implicated in all of this. 

It’s bad.

I have major anxiety about it. Nickolai’s baby (Temperance Elizabeth) is having the hiccups right now inside her belly–it’s really cool to feel. I really sincerely hope that this pregnancy and baby-raising work out for her. I keep reading these books on baby loss and death, it makes me nervous for her. Brystal too–who turns out to be a way better person than I originally thought. I really didn’t like her for so long, but she is very smart and funny when you take the time to get to know her. I worry about her and her boyfriend–who seems like a lame, lazy, party-dude who doesn’t want to be a father.

The police came again today to talk to Tori–I wonder when they’ll start questioning me. 

This should be fun.

I really REALLY hope I don’t go to State Prison. 

It seems like my life is just starting to come together, with the job at MedPlast starting the 25th, and my bereavement group and possibly early release…I have so much to lose. I’m so tired of freaking out about it inside my head all of the time…it’s exhausting and sometimes I feel like like I’m going to explode from all the anxiety welling up in my chest. 

Maybe I’ll spontaneously combust and not have to worry about any of this any more.

In other news, if I don’t get carted off to prison by Tuesday, I get to go to Pittsburgh to see my rheumatologist. I love and miss Pittsburgh. I never should have left. I have to stop thinking about what could have been, or I’ll get super sad. 

I so loved being a Vet Tech.

Sad how my life turned out. But self-pity won’t get me anywhere. I get to see all three kids this weekend, so that’ll be nice. If I can find enough salt, we’ll make some play-dough. The boys really liked that last weekend. I’ll have to check tomorrow about the salt.

I haven’t been talking to Nickolai and Tori much lately about anything but the recent happenings here at the Center, and my sponsor didn’t come last Sunday because of the weather and won’t be here this Sunday because she’s going on vacation, so my therapist in Smethport and my therapist at Crossroads have been bearing the brunt of my craziness lately. I’m isolating and I know it, but I can’t seem to stop doing it. I’m waiting for the next catastrophe. Speaking of, we did a group today where we had to wear a sign with a weakness of ours on it on our backs, and then other people had to act it out so we could guess it. For instance, Nickolai’s was “Childish” and Tori’s was “Messy.” Pink’s was “Asshole” (shocker), and Red’s was “Doormat.”

Guess what mine was?

…………….Catastrophizer. 

Yup.

Just waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

All of the time.

I’m beginning to feel crazy like I did when I had PTSD–just in nutso–land all of the time waiting for something to “get” me. 

Omg the Sleep Naze just walked in for 3rd shift. Usually she only works first shift. 

That’s my cue to go to bed.