Love, Justine

WOMEN’S CENTER

February 5th, 2018

Monday

Day 217

9:30am

I’m waiting for Red to get done with her therapy appointment so I can go in and get therapized. I’m not sure what I’ll talk about–maybe nightmares. Maybe we’ll do EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) –I’m sure I need it. At least they have good coffee now. Every time I stop drinking, I become a coffee drinker. Maybe I’ll keep being a coffee drinker this time. 

Last night I dreamed that both of my parents went stark-raving mad, and all of my mother’s sisters came to me and told me that it was my fault. 

As if I didn’t know already.

My parents are totally crazy, if you ask me. They catastrophize even worse than me, and they aren’t even aware of it. 

It’s craziness.

They think that if the kids are with me, that they’ll certainly die. 

I do too, apparently. 

At least in my dreams, I do.

Work is crazy. Forty-eight hours in four days last week. I’ve never worked so hard for so little money. I got paid for one week on Friday, and it was less than three-hundred dollars. 

What a waste of time and effort for the consequences.

Yesterday I had to sleep all day to recuperate, and I felt like my body was made of lead. I could never justify staying away from my kids for four or five days a week for that job.

But what am I to do?

I just don’t know.

I have to get ahold of my friend Ben and see if I can stay with him in Port Allegany. I have to get a car first, and then an apartment, I think. I absolutely hate not having a car, and how would I get the boys to school without one? I really, really want to homeschool them, at least partially, if that’s possible. I mean, I used to create curriculum for college students–I should be able to teach kindergarteners.

I’ve just missed too much time with them. 

I have to make this work. I have one summer to pull it all together. There must be a way to write online and make enough money to live. 

There MUST be.

I have to do it. 

There’s nothing I want more than to be able to stay home with my kids. 

I have to go to therapy now.

11:30am

Therapy over. That was rough. We did some EMDR so I could process my nightmares. The only thing with EMDR is that you continue to process for days or weeks after you do it. 

This should be fun.

I just hope I don’t have a bunch of dead baby images in my head for the next couple weeks. That I could do without. I am curious to see what my dreams will do now.

Poison on the radio:

“I tried not to hurt you…I tried

Every rose has its thorn

Just like every night has its dawn

Just like every cowboy sings a sad sad song

Every rose has its thorn

Instead of making love

We both make our separate ways

You found somebody new

And that I never meant that much to you

To hear that tears me up inside

To see you cuts me 

Like a knife…”

This driver told me that this song reminds her of her brother who died on a dirtbike. 

Hm.

February 6th, 2018

Day 218

Tuesday

12pm

Went to group therapy at Crossroads this morning. Tori is in individual therapy right now. I talked about the nightmares, and the therapist thinks that it has to do with control.

That my life feels out of control with starting this job, seeing people high at work, my grief group not working out (had to cancel this week due to the storm that’s coming tomorrow), and Ethan and Kaylee’s death anniversaries coming up in March and April.

I’m sure she’s right–she told me to bring it up in individual therapy with my counselor. She says he’s certified in CPT (whatever that is), and that I should look up sleep hygiene routines. I have no idea what she’s talking about. It just occurred to me that last week I had both of my therapy appointments on Monday…hm…I’ll have to look into that.

Oh, I asked and my therapist wasn’t in yesterday. Must be I’ll see him next Monday. 

Yup, 3pm.

In other news, poor Chantilly fell on the ice outside this morning and snapped her leg right in half.

Yup.

Her foot was just sort of hanging off of her leg at a weird angle–the deformity was so obvious that it could be seen through her boot–the paramedics had to cut it off to get her leg into the air cast.

We had to drag her inside on a blanket while she was screaming and crying–it was awful.

And of course the ambulance took forever to get there because it was 6:30am on a workday and they’re all volunteer.

Tori and I took turns holding her leg up off the floor until the ambulance came. She’s over 200lbs, so Mr. Big had to help lift her onto the stretcher–even he was struggling, and he’s a big guy.

After she was gone a while, she called and said someone from the Center had to come to the hospital because she needed surgery.

Poor girl.

She just paid a $700 security deposit on an apartment and first month’s rent, and now she’ll probably be out of work for weeks! I wonder if she’ll be able to collect unemployment or get short-term disability. I hope somebody talks to her about that soon so that she doesn’t lose her apartment.

Tori got mad at Nickolai during this whole event because apparently Nickolai was mad at her for not eating the breakfast that she cooked (while Tori was literally holding a broken bone off of the floor), and that she had to wait to have a cigarette until Chantilly was taken care of. Tori was so furious at Nicholai’s lack of compassion and empathy that she brought it up in group. When the therapist asked why Nickolai’s self-centeredness bothered her so much, she said it was because she was raised surrounded by ego-centric people who basically didn’t give a shit about her.

Poor girl.

I feel bad for her all of the time that she wasn’t loved enough as a child. 

It’s tragic. 

It left a permanent hole in her soul.

The music is truly awful in this waiting room–time for a cigarette.
Oh, now the music is better–

It’s a heartache

Nothin’ but a heartache

Love him till your arms break

Then he lets you down

Hits you when you’re down…

Nothing but a fools game

Standing in the cold rain

Feelin’ like a clown…

Nothin’ but a heartache…

Oh, back to crappy music.

Tori should be done soon.

5:30pm

Omg. 

Nickolai just showed me her vagina. She attempted to shave it, but only got the middle part, so it looks sort of like mutton chops on a dude with no beard.

Tori says hers is the opposite, with only the outside shaved and the middle long.

These women really crack me up.

I can’t believe Nickolai left it that way, but she says she just couldn’t see or reach the rest of it. 

Funny.

I got a letter from my public defenders office today regarding my request for early release–they said I need to show STABILITY in capital letters.

They want to know where I’m going to live, how I’m going to support myself, transportation, etc.

I don’t fucking know. 

I emailed Ben but he didn’t email me back, which is a bad omen.

I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do. 

Even if I work more than full time I wouldn’t have enough money for everything.