MUNCY STATE PRISON
Still December 4th, 2024
9:04pm
My eyes are bloodshot. I’m exhausted. Better than being manic. Bingo tonight. Swiper and I both called Bingo at the same time, so they called another number as a tiebreaker, and Swiper won. Zuko later said that it was a metaphor for my life here: I win something and then Swiper steals it from me.
Funny.
One the radio:
“I let my guard down,
And then you pulled the rug,
I was getting kind of used to being someone you loved…”
The “You’’ in this metaphor is God. In 2003, my life was going great, and then Ethan died and it never recovered, no matter how hard I tried.
In SUDS (Substance Use Disorder Something or Other) today we watched a part of a documentary of Chester Bennington, the lead singer of Linkin Park who killed himself. I fail to see what this has to do with addiction treatment, but whatever. Bennington said things while he was alive like, “I didn’t know who I was,” “I was a mess,” “I was surviving,” and “Life if tough, I’m kind of broken.” He also said, “Every year of my life has been a rough year,” and that he hated the world.
He sounds a lot like me.
I have to let my anger at God go, or I’m afraid I’m just going to keep attracting events and circumstances to my life that victimize me. I have to forgive God, but I don’t know how.
Daisy and I were talking today about how she’s an abuser-magnet.
I’m a tragedy magnet.
Look up Max Lucado– “Why Would You Do This to Me?”
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