Love, Justine

MUNCY STATE PRISON

December 8th, 2024

Sunday

9:49am

We didn’t shop again on Friday.

Sucks.

No coffee. I two-for-one’d an e-cigarette from Zuko, so at least there’s that. I got “Brown Girl Dreaming” by Jacqueline Woodson, which is a memoir, but it’s written all in poems.

Swiper hasn’t shopped in two weeks, which is why I’m out of coffee, creamer, and sugar. She doesn’t give two shits if I go without. She even had some left after I ran out, and didn’t offer me any.

Jerk.

Maybe I’ll write a blog.

Book:

Anatomy of the Spirit by Caroline Myss (The Seven Stages of Power and Healing) © 1996, 2017

P. 77

All three traditions [Christian, Eastern, Judaism] hold that releasing one’s spirit into the physical world through fear or negativity is a faithless act of choosing personal will over the will of the heavens.”

P. 78

“Three truths are common to these spiritual traditions and to the principles of medical intuition.

1. Misdirecting the power of one’s spirit will generate consequences to one’s body and life.
2. Every human being will encounter a series of challenges that tests his allegiance to heaven. These tests will come in the form of the disintegration of one’s physical power base: the inevitable loss of wealth, family, health, or worldly power. The loss will activate a crisis of faith, forcing one to ask, ‘What is it, or who is it, that I have faith in?’ or ‘Into whose hands have I commended my spirit?’ Apart from such major losses, the trigger that causes people to seek deeper meaning and psychological and spiritual ‘ascension’ is usually a physical disorder that creates a personal or professional earthquake. We all tend to look upward when the ground beneath our feet shifts out of control.
3. To heal from the misdirection of one’s spirit, one has to be willing to act to release the past, cleanse one’s spirit, and return to the present moment. ‘Believe as if it were true now’ is a spiritual command from the Book of Daniel to visualize or pray in present time.”

December 9th, 2024

Monday

1:50pm

My mother messaged me on the kiosk, which means that somehow she’s approved again. She says that Superman still wants to believe in Santa Claus, but King is over it. She also said she sent me a picture booklet of the kids, and that they’re not going to Florida this year, only Splash Lagoon. They boys are going to be late to school because they have physicals this morning. 

No other news.

I should probably write them a letter. It’s been a while. I wrote my mother back thanks for the pictures, I haven’t gotten them yet, and I’m doing okay but my lupus symptoms are worse, like they were in my 20s, and I have asked to see a rheumatologist. Also that I’m depressed and they just upped my Prozac again. I also told her that I talked to my stupid lawyer about petitioning the court for a shorter stay at the Women’s Center, and he said he didn’t know what I was talking about, as if I had made the entire thing up. When I said that he was the one who had told me about the petition in the first place (like–where the fuck would I get that from??), he said, “No, I didn’t, No, I didn’t, No, I didn’t,” three times in a row like that.

Like–do you have dementia, sir??

Why on God’s green Earth would I bring that up to you if you hadn’t told me that??

I hate the entire criminal justice system.

In other news, I haven’t been called down for a sick call to discuss lupus and wheelchair pushing, and no news about my boys and video visits.

I fucking hate this place.

4:40pm

Swiper found out today that she’s not leaving until 12/18/24.

Can’t come soon enough.

I talked to my mother. She said the boys went and got their physicals today and King is three inches taller and 10lbs heavier than Superman. He is finally in the middle of the growth chart, while Superman is still at the bottom. My mother says he never fails to remind King that he is older, though. 

By two minutes.

December 10th, 2024

Tuesday

4:43pm

My mother sent me a message telling me that Cool is not doing well and that he is having psychotic episodes more frequently. 

This is very scary.

He’s going to end up dead or in prison. She wanted to know what my diagnosis was at Clarion and if I went voluntarily. I did go voluntarily, but only because they threatened to 302 me if I didn’t. I told her Bipolar I with Psychotic Features and Schizoaffective Disorder. She wants to know when I started having any insight that something was really wrong with me. For me it was seeing it in black and white on my medical record, and then in police reports. 

I’m so worried about him.

He lives alone in the woods with a dog and a pig. No one would even know if he was suicidal. He would do very poorly in prison. I’m going to tell her to find out if there’s a CRISIS team in Vermont and try to get him some help.

December 12th, 2024

Thursday

2:42pm

I talked to my mother more about Cool. And about myself. She got mad when I said he was going to end up dead or in prison. She said they’re working with some kind of “coach” who is going to come up with some kind of plan for Cool. No news about that yet. She was supposed to meet with my parents last night.

I talked with Stryder briefly about it, not giving him many details, and he said that he already knew because of what Cool’s been posting on Facebook. Cool apparently thinks that the police sexually assaulted him a year ago when he had that motorcycle accident, and that he somehow still has semen in his lungs.

Bizarre.

I guess no more bizarre than thinking you are Jesus and have been tasked with saving the world, which is how my disease manifests.

I’m afraid Cool will commit suicide or get into a fight with the cops and be shot to death. Cool is apparently calling the police on speakerphone, videotaping these exchanges, and either live-streaming them or posting them online.

Fuck.

Pretty soon they’re going to charge him with filing false police reports, at the very least.

In news about my life, I went to the doctor here, and he gave me Voltaren gel for pain and two restrictions: no working outside and no extreme temperatures. This did not help at all, and didn’t get me off wheelchair pushing, even though, in reality, this is both working outside and in extreme temperatures. It’s not like we push them around INSIDE, duh.

But, no.

Doesn’t count, according to both CO Monster and Unit Manager Reibsome.

So I put another freaking Sick Call (another $5.00) and asked for a No Push/Pull Restriction.

Fucking assholes.

CO Monster, of course, made it about himself: “I had an ex-girlfriend whose mother had lupus, so I feel for ya.”

Fat lot of good THAT does me.

In other news, I have to call Paul tonight. He asked me when I’m getting out so he can take off work the following week and we can go on a mini-vacation.

I can’t wait.

It sounds like Heaven to me. Motorcycle will probably throw a fit and/or break up with me, but I’m finding is hard to care after his, “I’m the man who finally conquered Jess Kenley,” comment.

I’m reading this book about heaven called “Room of Marvels” by James Bryan Smith that I thought was a true story, but it’s fiction. It’s about a guy whose two-year-old dies and then he’s angry at God and can’t forgive him, even though he writes books about how great God is. 

Sounds familiar.

So he goes on this silent retreat to some monastery, and has dreams about Heaven and its various rooms. I wonder if there are rooms in Heaven, and what they look like. All I’ve ever read about is beautiful, majestic outdoor scenes after the tunnel with the light, but there’s no tunnel in this book. He just falls asleep.

Daisy said that Swiper stole some coffee from her locker. I’m not surprised. She does some grimy shit. Commissary tomorrow, hopefully. 

4:17pm

I talked to my mother. Cool is worse. He went to the neighbor’s house and started screaming at them and threatening them. My parents are thinking of getting guardianship of him. The police were apparently called, but they didn’t do anything. 

I’m afraid Cool is going to commit suicide by cop.