May 1st, 2018
Day 302
Tuesday
7am
I couldn’t sleep last night. I finally got up at 5am. I took a shower and did my hair, and put on a new shirt that I got yesterday, and I have to say–I look pretty damn good! I HAVE to finish that stupid 3rd essay today–my restriction goes for a month from when it’s turned in.
Ugh.
9:30am
I finished the essay. Now off to Crossroads with Tori.
Oh no! We saw a dead cat on the road. 😡
The driver asked if we wanted to stop and give it artificial insemination.
Funny.
Oh Larry.
He’s a good guy–always has a good radio station on for us. We just passed a sign that said, “Jesus chose fishermen as his disciples.”
Huh.
Interesting.
Need to research: salivary tests for neurotransmitters to see if people are on the right medication.
–Researched–salivary tests for determining what kind of medication a person should be on are not FDA approved and are basically a scam. They don’t match or predict anything.
On the board at group:
“A real apology is changed behavior. It takes longer for a brain to transform than it does a conversation to expire.”
My therapist at group thinks that I should write my sister love letters. I think that’s a fine idea, but what will I say? I can’t pretend that my resentments toward her don’t crop up when I think of it–she was instrumental in getting my kids taken away from me three years ago…I guess I’ll try anyway, given that she’s all I’ve talked about for a week now in therapy. I talked to her ex-husband last night on the phone (which is probably why I couldn’t sleep last night), and he couldn’t tell me much except that he was keeping their 5-year old son for the time being. I wonder what’s going to happen with her.
Okay, here goes:
Elizabeth:
I wanted you to know I was thinking about you. I love you no matter what, and I want you to know that. I tried not to, but even after you did the worst thing you could ever do to me, I still find myself loving you. I really do want the best for you, and I’m worried about you. How did your doctor’s appointment go, and are you seeing your therapist regularly?
I have an inkling that you know this already, but this Bipolar business is no joke. But the good news is that it can be controlled, but you have to get help in order for that to happen. You deserve a better quality of life than you have and so do the people around you, like your son and your husband. I know it’s hard, but try to imagine for a moment what it would be like NOT to have to live like you do anymore, without the mood swings and “crashes?”
I hope that we can keep in touch when I get out in July and that our kids can get to know each other better. I know you’re in trouble right now even if you don’t, and there is help available to you, if you would just ask for it.
I love you.
Love,
Jess
Last night we were doing “discussion questions” for group, which are meant to be a little controversial, and one of the questions was, “What do you think about the ‘morning after’ pill?” Tori didn’t like the answers some of the more pro-life-leaning women had to say about that, and she said to me today, “I wanted to say, ‘I’ll get pregnant right now and kill my baby in front of you! I’ll have a miscarriage right on your face!’”
Oh, Tori.
I had to laugh.
She’s hilarious.
I wonder what’s going to happen in the next couple of months with her. She’s talking to this new guy that’s in recovery, Harley, and it seems like he wants to kidnap her and hold her hostage for life. He’s like, in love with her and they only just met a couple of weeks ago.
Oh, dead cat again.
I’m not sure how I feel about him yet. I guess he’s okay except that he’s 46.
5pm
I had parenting classes from 2pm-3pm, then back in the car for a dentist appointment, now back to the Center. The nice weather makes me want to be out of there so fucking bad. Like how many times do I have to start my life over already??!!
I guess I’ve never tried to start it over sober, though.
In any case, I’ll probably have to go back to Coudersport again tonight for the meeting.
We’ll see.
Oh, wait, no–in house meeting tonight, I forgot.
Ugh–those are hella boring.
May 2nd, 2018
Day 303
12pm
Oh, I’m in a horrible mood. I haven’t smoked since 7am and I’m super tired for some reason. I wonder what’s for lunch. Big won’t let me smoke–grrrrr……but he did give me a book on Forgiveness, which I think I’ll read. Jo keeps saying she’s going to leave this place and go back to jail because she can’t talk to her boyfriend–who is an abusive fuck, if you ask me.
Okay–
Book:
“Forgiveness” by Charles Stanley © 1987
This book is almost as old as me.
“Forgiveness is the act of setting someone free from an obligation to you that is a result of a wrong done against you.”
“The three essential elements of forgiveness are injury, a debt resulting from the injury, and a cancellation of the debt.”
“Four reasons by the person with an unforgiving spirit is the real loser are:
- Unforgiveness, by its very nature, prevents individuals from following through on many of the specifics of the Christian life and practically necessitates that they walk by the flesh rather than by the Spirit.
‘But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law…If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit.’ –Galatians 5:22-23, 25”
- The destructive nature of an unforgiving spirit is such that it is not limited to one relationship. Resentment and other negative feelings spill over into other relationships.
- The rejection connection: when a person is wronged in some way, whether in marriage, business, friendship, or some other relationship, rejection occurs. The classic case would be when a guy breaks up with his girlfriend because he has found another girl. In her struggle with rejection, the girl swears she will never trust another male.
Rejection evolves into an unforgiving spirit, and eventually into bitterness, taking a terrible toll. The person is left with a deep sense of emptiness, an inner sense that something is missing.
- Since the person with the unforgiving spirit is usually waiting for the other person to make restitution, a great deal of time may go by. During this time, fleshly patterns of behavior and incorrect thought patterns develop. Even after an unforgiving spirit is corrected, the side effects can take years to deal with, especially in the area of relationships.
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