MUNCY STATE PRISON
December 29th, 2024
Sunday
BLOG #12
Neither Here Nor There: Musings from the Other Side (of the Razor Wire Fence)
Welp, Swiper finally left–thank God–and I got new state boots, which means that I have blisters the size of Volkswagon Bugs on my toes and no skin on my heels. I’m blaming this on Daisy, since she insisted that I get them, who is currently whining about both her period and a bimple, which is a word I made up for a butt pimple.
Other fun new words– “Inshitivism”–which apparently means a decline in business, but what I think should mean when you step in dog poop.
In Next Door News, Kimberly left and was briefly replaced by a 20-something woman with face tattoos who, alarmed, exclaimed, “Is THAT NORMAL?!!” when someone ripped a huge, oily fart.
Yes, Face Tattoo, that is normal.
Welcome to prison.
The food is bad.
When Face Tattoo left, she was swiftly replaced by Sondra, who hails from Cambridge Springs and calls me Pearl, for reasons unknown. I’ve certainly been called worse, but I prefer Kimberly’s name for me, which is a Spicy Ramen Noodle.
Then again, Zuko calls me her Trashy Whore Friend, because her girlfriend once, in a fit of rage, screamed that all of Zuko’s friends were trashy whores.
Oh my stars.
I’ve named the girlfriend Tyson, because she seems like the abusive type who wouldn’t hesitate to bite off a body part or two.
I guess we’ll see.
In other news, we had Bingo a couple of weeks ago, and Swiper and I called Bingo at the same time, so they called another number as a tie-breaker, and Swiper won. According to Zuko, this is a perfect metaphor for my life: I win something and then Swiper steals it from me.
SO glad she’s gone.
To replace her, enter stage left, Martha, who cooks a lot of food, doesn’t steal, and has a Brooklyn accent.
YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!
I talked to Motorcycle the other day, and in his Motorcycle-ness, he said, trying to be romantic, “As long as I have a face, honey, you’ll have a seat.” And then he added as an afterthought– “I just have to dust it off first.”
Funny.
NOT funny–finding somebody else’s pubes on my foot in the shower yesterday. I know they weren’t mine, because I almost cut my hoo-ha entirely off the other day shaving with a bent razor because Motorcycle and Stryder both visited me, which means I had to get my asshole inspected no less than four times in the past two days.
The bent razor massacre is a long story, but it ends with my vagina resembling a beat up naked mole rat, so, no, the pubes weren’t mine.
You’re welcome for that visual.
In order to entertain ourselves, Daisy and I have been having White Girl Dance Parties, making large Death by Chocolate desserts, and Daisy recently tried to cram her entire 5-foot, 7-inch frame into the bottom of my locker to jump out and scare me.
I almost peed myself, I laughed so hard.
And for YOUR entertainment, we’ve compiled a list of the worst cellie behaviors, all of which have actually happened to one or both of us:
- Never showering.
- Being a chronic masturbator.
- Thinking you can sing or rap.
- Being a CO-NO-BADGE when you’re really an inmate.
- Telling everyone you fell from an alien portal in the sky.
- Telling everybody that you didn’t commit the crime, but an AI version of you did.
- Telling everyone that Satan impregnated you and you’re having a demon baby.
- Humming and pacing like a deranged animal at the zoo.
- Shitting yourself and then crying about it.
- Pooping anywhere but the toilet (e.g., the floor, the shower…)
- Standing over the toilet to pee instead of sitting.
- Dry-shaving your pubes on the toilet in the cell.
- Eating everything (including soup and pudding) with your fingers and never washing your hands.
- Being a death-farter (farts so bad, you wish you were dead)
- Not wrapping your dirty feminine hygiene products, so then Search Team dumps them all over the floor.
- Being in various states of undress at all times.
- Leaving any of your bodily fluids on anywhere.
- Biting your toenails off and then spitting them off the top bunk.
Like I said–you’re welcome.
Leave a comment