WOMEN’S CENTER
May 3rd, 2018
Thursday
Day 304
2pm
The new woman, Sandra, isn’t doing so hot. She threw up this morning and now has a migraine that won’t go away. It’s about 80 degrees out today. It’s hard to believe it was snowing two weeks ago. I have a kidney infection brewing, I just know it. I told Big, but my doctor wants lab work, and we’re not going to Coudersport again until Tuesday. I’m so pissed. I just need a fucking antibiotic!
Ugh.
In any case, I guess I’ll read this Forgiveness book:
- Sin creates a deficit in God’s economy because whenever there is sin, something is taken or demanded from the sinner. Historically, whenever human beings sin against God, He provides a channel through which fellowship can be established and maintained.
Atonement means “to cover.”
More than retribution, God wants to fellowship with us.
A major hindrance to the ability to experience God’s forgiveness is the unwillingness to accept God’s frame of reference concerning sin and the individual’s inability to do anything about it.
“Through His name everyone who believes in Him receives forgiveness of sins.” –Acts 10:43
10:30pm
I’m supposed to be sleeping, but I can’t. The air is warm and wet, and all I can hear are the peepers outside peeping to each other. It’s nights like this that I would stay up and write because there’s just the right amount of solitude and inspiration in the air. But alas, I cannot, and will be forced to turn my light out soon.
At the meeting tonight I talked about pain. The pain in my body because of the damp weather and the pain in my heart for my drunk sister. Tori talks of how she is afraid to leave and I can’t wait to be anywhere but here. Nikolai may be getting an apartment in Roulette, by the sounds of it. Tori has been refusing to consider Roulette as an option because we have no vehicle and there is nothing but a post office and a small convenience store. I hate Roulette, but I would love to be close to Tiger. I’d give anything for her to be able to walk to my house if she wanted to.
Maybe I’ll talk more to Tori about it.
I guess I’ll try to sleep rather than wait for the staff to yell at me about my light.
11:30pm
Can’t sleep.
These visions of sexcapades past keep dancing through my head. I think it’s because it’s one of those nights that would be fantastic to stay up all night making love.
So quiet and peaceful.
The air is thick with humidity, but it’s cool enough that it’s not sticky.
Just the right temperature to roll around with somebody special and play and have fun.
Which makes me think of Tori. Not having sex with her, but the fact that the sexual harassment at work is such that she’s allowing people to touch her now inappropriately and acts as if she is a small child and is powerless to stop it. It makes me mad on some level that she won’t stand up for herself; but sad too, because she was horribly sexually abused as a child. Her bipolar disorder is manifesting itself more severely than normal now too, I think because she actually feels on some level as if she IS a child.
She says she never grew up.
I told her that now is the time.
She refuses to assert herself, always with a smile on her face, no matter what she actually feels inside.
One man at work in particular, Bill, is exploiting her niceness and it makes me boil inside.
My hand hurts too much to keep writing.
More later, probably.
12:30am
Still can’t sleep. I got up to pee, and while walking back to my room, through the glass doors I saw a deer glide silently across the parking lot, ever reminding me that she is free, and I sit in a cage.
While I was lying awake I was aspiring to the future and dreaming a dream. Here’s my dream: I’d like to (with my millions of dollars) buy that giant Adelphia building in the middle of Coudersport and turn it into a Vet Tech School with a free emergency animal hospital in it.
Wouldn’t that be amazing?
It would revitalize Coudersport, as well as help the community and the animals in it. As it stands, there is one tiny vet clinic in Coudersport that does not take emergencies.
I wonder what the PCAAP (Potter County Animal Assistance Project) people would think of this idea…they’re sitting on a couple million dollars…hmmmmm.
They pay to spay and neuter stray animals and the animals of people who cannot afford to have their animals spayed and neutered (like me).
I miss my cats.
I have a feeling that my rat is dead.
He had two cancerous lumps when I left a year ago.
Poor thing.
I have to get Kidowed published somehow. I can’t wait to get the fuck out of here.
The End.
Try to sleep again.
I’m surprised they haven’t yelled at me yet.
May 4th, 2018
Day 305
Friday
6am
I slept like shit last night. Woke up about a hundred times. I’m in some pain today–my hands are hurting. I guess I’ll read my forgiveness book.
12pm
Great.
I have no idea what I did but Big says he’s “disappointed” in me. Just said that and walked away.
Jesus Christ what the fuck did I do NOW???!!!!
He’s so judgmental I can’t stand it. Way to fuck up my day.
Well, I found out.
Big’s mad at me because I apparently was “fraternizing” with Nick, a guy I know that showed up at the meeting last night. I gave the kid a hug, for God’s sake.
Fuck.
I can’t win.
Nick was at the meeting because he brought Harley, who is in love with Tori, who actually IS fraternizing with him. I also hugged three other guys last night, but he doesn’t seem to care about that!
Fuck!
Then he called me a cougar, which is funny, because Nick is 15 years younger than me.
What the fuck.
I can’t win with this guy.
It’s NA!!
WE HUG!!
There’s something I’m missing to this, because I’ve been hugging guys in front of Big for months, and he never cared before Nick.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…………..I know Nick has the reputation of being a playboy, but please.
5:30pm
We got another new lady–Brenda. She seems to have no sort of personality whatever–I guess we’ll see.
Oh crap, the weather just got super nasty–there’s a tornado warning. Now we don’t get to go to a meeting or smoke for the rest of the night.
Blech.
8pm
In-house NA meeting. Brenda is very young–not even 20 years old yet, she said. She’s one of those people who you can’t tell her intelligence level because her mouth is hanging open all of the time. I know she’s on Lithium, because I saw some of her meds out in the Med Room. She’s probably bipolar.
Like the rest of us.
In any case, my medication to treat my Hep-C came in today, I’ll start it tomorrow. It’s an 8-week treatment, and it’s supposed to work for over 90% of people, to be curative.
10:30pm
Hanging out with Tori–now we’re talking about sex. Sex with Nick specifically. Jolene is after him and says she hears he’s hung like a horse.
Hm.
I’d rather not think about it–it just frustrates me.
I just asked Tori where Kat and the other Residential Worker went and she said, “Probably tongue punching each other’s fart box.”
She’s so funny.
I don’t know where she comes up with this shit.
Jolene’s talking about Bloods and Crips and gangbangers.
I guess I don’t know anything about that.
May 5th, 2018
Day 306
Saturday
12pm
Brenda seems to be doing better today–she helped with planting seeds for the garden. I’m a little worried about her–she seems like a child.
I miss my Tiger.
I wonder how she’s doing.
I miss being a Vet Tech.
I miss everything from my old life.
I guess I’ll read this forgiveness book instead of wallowing in self-pity.
7pm
Off to a meeting in Coudersport. Tori’s pissed that we’re not going to Galeton because she was going to get cigarettes from Harley and told him to go to Galeton. I guess he also went shopping for clothes for her…I don’t see how she would have gotten any of them back to the Center, but whatev.
May 6th, 2018
Day 307
Sunday
2am
Can’t sleep.
Fire whistle went off and then of course tons of sirens to follow. At the meeting last night Brash and one of the women he fucks showed up, him with the dog he abuses and a boa constrictor around his neck.
Gawd.
Self-centered much?
I need to stop being so judgmental.
When we got back I finished my book on forgiveness–good book, although super religious. It suggests that you should make lists of all of the people you have bitterness towards and what they did to you, and then pretend you are face to face with them and go through a series of steps in order to forgive them and emotionally release them so that you might be set free.
I guess Brash and his Bitches would be on my list–they helped land me here.
Oh, great–they just told me I have to turn off my light.
Why is some of the staff cool and then others suck?
I hope I can sleep.
I guess the dude who used to work the night shift was going to get fired, so he quit. He was doing drugs with Jolene not so long ago, and word got out.
Okay, good night.
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