WOMEN’S CENTER
May 7th, 2018
Day 308
Monday
11am
Got therapized. I talked about forgiveness–forgiving my sister and mother, forgiving everyone else too. I don’t want to become a bitter old hag like my mother. I think maybe I already am a bitter old hag, when I look at my 4th step, which is writing down all of my resentments. I don’t want to have an unforgiving spirit. The book I read on forgiveness says that you should put a chair opposite you, and imagine the person you want to forgive in it, and tell them what they did wrong to you and then forgive them out loud. I wonder if that works. I’ll have to try it.
The trees are all turning green again–it’s beautiful. I wish I didn’t have to stay in the Center until July. It sucks so bad.
I have Christian Radio Driver again today–he says pray for good things for the people I resent after I’ve forgiven them.
2pm
Crossroads–(on board)
“Self love is a compass that helps you navigate difficult moments in various situations. When you sharpen your idea of self, clarity is a gift, the armor is self-worth, your weapon is RESPECT.
4pm
In therapy we talked about the willingness to forgive my mother, which will be the hardest to do. In the van Tori and I talked about our dead babies–hers was named Brayden Michael, and she lost him at six months pregnant. There are dead porcupines all over the road today.
Tragic.
Also tragic–she didn’t even get to bury him, her baby. They just made her deliver him and then took him away, to be discarded as medical waste.
Poor girl.
Then she didn’t get out of bed for five months in her grief, and when she got pregnant with Lilly, she didn’t get prenatal care until the baby was almost born because she was sure she was going to die too.
We just passed a sign that said, “Rejoice! Jesus lives.” I guess he loves in each of us, if we believe. I believe. I prayed today for the willingness to let go of my resentments and forgive those that I carry hatred in my heart for.
The radio just told a little story:
A man was talking to a congregation of ducks that were walking along. He said, “You have been given wings! You can soar high above the ground like eagles! Use your wings and FLY!” And the congregation of ducks said, “Ahem!” and then they waddled off. Then the narrator says: You have been given gifts like intelligence, feelings, and strength! Don’t walk–FLY! Live an extraordinary life, not an ordinary one!”
Good story.
I’ll do my best.
My therapist gave me a copy of “Living Clean.” I can’t wait to read it. But first I have to wrap up with my forgiveness book. Here goes–first the discussion about “The Unforgivable Sin:”
“Therefore I say to you, any sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven men, but blasphemy against the Spirit shall not be forgiven. And whoever shall speak a word against the Son of Man, it shall be forgiven him; but whosoever shall speak against the Holy Spirit, it shall not be forgiven him either in this age, or in the age to come.” –Matthew 12:31-32
The term blasphemy may be defined “defiant irreverence.” We would apply the term to such sins as cursing God or willfully degrading the things considered holy. In this passage the term refers to the declaration of the Pharisees who had witnessed undeniable evidence that our Lord was performing miracles in the power of the Holy Spirit. Yet they attributed the miracles to Satan. In the face of irrefutable evidence they ascribed the work of the Holy Spirit to that of Satan.”
Then it says:
“I agree with a host of biblical scholars that this unique circumstance cannot be duplicated today. The Pharisees had seen proof after proof that Christ was who He claimed to be. They could not escape the fact that what He was doing was supernatural in nature. But instead of acknowledging what I believe they knew in their hearts was true, they attributed the supernatural power to that of Satan instead of the Holy Spirit. That, in a sense, was the last straw.”
Tori says that she feels like we’ve lived our whole lives here.
10:30pm
Today was just amazing. I talked all day in therapy about forgiveness, and then when I got back to the Center Grammy was crying and when I asked her what was wrong she said, “Nobody wants me here.” I assured her that everyone wanted and loved her and hugged on her for a long time. Then we sat side by side and watched Hallmark together, even though I’m not allowed. When Kat came in for work, I told her that Grammy had had a bad day, and when Kat asked her what was the matter she said that she was scared to get into the ban this morning, as there was a new driver. That was all we could get out of her, but I knew she felt better when Kat hugged her. I actually got a hug from Kat tonight too, when, after we talked about her wonderful three-year old grandchild, we started talking about my day and my mother and eventually we ended up on the topic of losing babies. It turns out that Kat’s best best friend, who is Godmother to her children, lost a precious little girl named Erin when she was just 18 months old. Kat teared up when she agreed with me that it’s just not something that you “get over.” I told her that she was so so good to have been that that bereaved mother could call to just be there with her when she couldn’t do it alone anymore. People never cease to surprise me with their goodness and kindness and compassion for others. It’s what makes the difference between a well-lived life and a wasted life not lived, I think–how good one is to others. I have to shut off my light before I get into trouble.
May 8th, 2018
Day 309
Tuesday
12am
Can’t sleep, and of course, I am not allowed to turn my light on, so I am writing in the dark, which is very difficult.
Anyway, this “fraternizing” bullshit is really bugging me. The reason it’s really bugging me is that Nick flat out told me that he wanted me tonight (or last night, whatever) at the meeting, and I actually HAD the opportunity to “fraternize” with him and didn’t take it. Big is always saying, “Don’t give up what you really want for what you want right now,” and that’s what was running through my head as I looked at Nick’s hot, hot body and fantasized about how good it would feel to be touched…ugh.
I’m doing it again.
Enough of that.
Anyway, I want Big to know that it WASN’T me, and I’m not sure how to tell him without throwing Tori under the bus, but I’m going to tell him. It bothers me that he assumed it was me. I guess I know what he thinks of me in that department.
Great.
Anyway, I got a letter in the mail today from Human Services that told me that I am required to apply for Disability AGAIN.
So.
I called the 800 number they gave me, waited on hold for 40 minutes, then talked with a representative for another 25 minutes only to find out that my “local” (an hour away) SSI Office “does not have any available appointments and to call back next week,” please and thank you very much. THAT was another wasted hour of my life spent attempting to apply for disability. I wonder if Big will let me do it online. I’ll have to find that out tomorrow too.
I have this old song in my head–it goes:
“Hold on for one more day
Break free from the pain
Hold on for one more day…”
I sent her that letter I wrote today–my therapist at Crossroads was nice enough to look up the address of her husband’s law firm–I hope he gets it to her. I am going to try to call her tomorrow, and then call her tomorrow, and then call my mother to see what she can do.
One Sunday when I asked about Elizabeth, I was sort of shocked when my mother told me that she hadn’t talked to her since December and then admitted that she, “just didn’t know what to do.” I didn’t have any answers for her either. I wonder if she’ll even talk to me tomorrow.
We’ll see.
I wish I could read in this light. I borrowed a book from my Crossroads counsellor called, “Living Clean.” It’s supposed to be pretty good. He also talked about me making my blog a podcast, which I have no idea how to do, but sounds pretty cool.
I prayed a lot yesterday.
I prayed for the willingness to let go of my resentments, I prayed for my mother and father and even Mr. Big was in there somewhere. I guess I’ll try to sleep again. I do so hope that this Harley and Tori thing works out for her. I want good things for her.
2am
Still can’t sleep. I’m going to sit by my door and read this new book, “Living Clean.” We’ll see how much trouble I get in.
“Our gratitude for our new way of life motivates us to keep giving more, living more, and loving more.”
“Revovery is a full-contact, lifelong process.”
“We have learned that we really can survive anything and stay clean.”
“In the beginning of our recovery, and our first experiences of joy are like seeing color for the first time.”
“Perhaps more importantly, our connections with people became intensely important and satisfying to us.”
“We can measure our lives not in years or by the things we gain or lose, but by the degree to which we make peace with our own lives and the world around us.”
“We walk through fear and wake up to the miracles that surround us.”
“Time is not the same as experience.”
“The difference between humility and humiliation can be the level of acceptance about the information that we get.”
“Practicing honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness keeps us teachable, grateful, and humble.”
“No matter how long we have been clean, we can go to meetings and listen for the music. ‘It’s like when your ears pop,’ a member shared. ‘Suddenly I could hear what I didn’t know was missing before.”’
“Our hope is that the next member will do better than we did, that they can learn from our mistakes.”
“Wisdom is building on past experiences to cope with new events.”
“Through hard work and grace, if we keep coming back, we do get free.”
“Recovery gives us a new chance at life. Sometimes we have to accept that invitation more than once.”
Then the residential worker that’s on, Yvette, just stopped and chatted with me for a while–turns out she was in a bad marriage for almost 25 years before she left her husband.
W.O.W.
That’s a freaking lifetime to be miserable. She said she stayed for the kids. Huh. She says her ex bad-mouths her to the kids just like Dubya does with Tiger.
That’s just awful.
Bad for everybody.
Yvette surprises me sometimes when she opens up–she’s got a really hard exterior, but inside, I think she’s pretty okay. My butt hurts from sitting on this floor, even though I put three blankets down, so I’m going to try to sleep again.
*sigh*
5:30am
No luck sleeping.
It seems like either I’m sleeping all of the time or I can’t sleep at all.
“Spiritual growth can be bewildering, frightening, and very lonely.”
“Selfishness and self-centeredness die hard.”
“The only way out is through. We must roll up our sleeves and get to work.”
“There is hope. When we listen to others share their pain and how they get through it, we get a broader view.”
“When we change our attitude or perspective, we can find a new sense of compassion and gratitude. Perhaps the most valuable lesson of all is empathy.”
“There is great satisfaction in being able not to just look back, but to reach back and help someone across.’
8am
God–now all immigrants and asylum seekers will be prosecuted by the United States.
8am
Omg. Big just told Tori that she can’t go to outside meetings until further notice–she’s crying and crying.
Banned from meetings–sheez.
New TED Talk:
In the military, people are given medals to sacrifice so that others may gain–in business it’s the opposite.
Why did you do it? (asking a hero) –all had the same answer:
“Because they would have done it for me.”
The leader sets the tone.
Leadership is a choice, not a rank.
9am
Off to get my urinalysis and go shopping with the rest of the women–Jo, Jolene, Loreen, Brenda, and….I forgot her name already–heavyset blonde who runs her mouth a lot. Everybody’s new, it seems. I asked Brenda why she was at the Center, and all she said was “mental.” When I pressed her further, all she said was that she loved it there, she had nowhere to go, and that she’d be there for six months. She made it sound voluntary–sheesh.
I wish I was so lucky.
Two months, two months, two months.
I can do it.
Jolene is talking about having “sometimers”–she remembers things sometimes and sometimes not. A rap song called “God’s Plan” is on the radio. I don’t really understand the song. Or God’s Plan.
I can’t believe Tori’s not allowed to go to meetings. That’s awful. Purple is Jolene’s favorite color is purple.
12pm
We went shopping–that was fun. NOT. Well we did dance up and down the aisles when a Paula Abdul song came on. Jolene just said, “She’s not serious–she’s just playing with your peter, don’t get hard.”
Ha!
I saw Toad while I was at the hospital getting blood work and a urine culture. He seemed not to be doing well. I wonder if he picked up drinking again–his eyes were all bloodshot and he didn’t smell too good. I guess I’ll find out when I get out how he is. Toad is about three and a half feet tall, fully grown, and walks with canes. He was just born with everything wrong with him. After many, many surgeries, he can walk with assistance, but his arms and legs seem to fly everywhere when he is. He’s been my friend since high school, but has gained about 150lbs since then, so he has a tough time getting around now. I hope he’s okay.
I stole a Teen Vogue while I was at the lab that said on the cover: “The long way will become a theme in your life, but a journey you’ll learn to love.” –Solange
The title of the cover said, “The Sound of Music Hope PROTEST Healing Style. It seems our teens have more interesting things to read than our adults–let’s see what it says (the song on the radio is about not giving up): uh oh–Jolene–(who says us women “check out” in her book) has to poop really bad] ok back to Teen Vogue: “Music connects us to our shared passions, hurts, cares, and dreams.” –Bozomo Saint John (Queen Bee over at Apple Music)
On the radio: “What would you do if your son was at home, crying on the floor because he’s hungry?” Then something about sleeping with a man for a little bit of money–for you this is just a good time, but this is what I call life.”
Sad.
6pm
Webinar on opioids:
Opiate–any drug that’s derived from the opium plant–morphine, codeine, heroin
Opioid–made stronger in lab–hydromorphone, buprenorphine
Five days is the tipping point of a person becoming dependent on opioids.
116 people died every day in the U.S. in 2016 from overdoses
117,000 started using heroin in 2016
More people are dying from opioid overdoses than car crashes (!!)
–rural places have an increased death rate per capita
–Neurotransmitter called dopamine–reward pathway is the same as food and sex, which makes it very difficult to treat
Welp, we got kicked off the webinar. Mr. Big just got a phone call and then kind of slammed his door shut. Maybe it wasn’t intentional. I always think the worst.
Back to my Teen Vogue:
Norwegian singer Sigrid said, “Songs have the power to connect people. It’s never been more important to be tolerant.”
NYC DJ Callie Reiff says, “Music turns down the noise of the world and causes you to feel, love, and breathe.”
Maggie Rogers says, “I feel like my job is to be a fulcrum for energy–to take in everything from the crowd, filter it through my work, and then reflect all that same energy and goodness back on them. There’s so much power in completely committing to be your full, weird self.”
Nice!
This one is my favorite so far, from Kalie Shorr of Maine who is part of an all-female singer–songwriter community called Song Suffragettes, “I want to change how women treat each other. We are wild, multidimensional creatures–why does society say we have to be in competition?”
Jay-Som–”I fit many boxes of marginalized groups who don’t have the opportunity to have their stories heard. There needs to be more women, people of color, LGBTQ, and more in the music industry.”
Destiny Frasqueri, aka Princess Nokia, has lectured at Harvard University about her views on urban feminism, champions in her lyrics body positivity, universal acceptance, and honoring your ethnicity. “Music has empowered me through poverty, abuse, and mental health issues.”
2:30pm
Time for parenting classes. Praise = Positive Reinforcement
2:30pm
Oh God, something bad is happening. This is it. I’m going to prison. I’m bad, and I’m going to be bad forever. I just….I just thought that if I could stick it out for another couple of months…got my hopes up again…for nothing…for nothing. I thought I would turn over a new leaf with this forgiveness thing…I just…it just made my days the tiniest bit easier…all for naught.
It was a setup.
I should’ve known.
Great.
Another year.
Another year…another year.
Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaantastic.
Right when I tell Tiger that I’ll be home in a couple months. Another fucking year. I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around this. Tori and I…we’re in for it.
I’m afraid.
Ah, well, that’s life.
That’s my life in particular. Just when you see the faintest glimmer of hope…everything comes crashing down. I can’t believe that I trusted them. Fucking people. It’s not even an addictive drug.
Ah, well.
We’ll see how long it takes for the police to show up. Maybe I’ll quit smoking this time too, then. We’ll see. This parenting lady is pretty nice. I bet she is a good mother. Not like me. I’m so selfish. I’m the worst. I got close this time, though. Not close enough. God. I was so looking forward to getting the fuck out of here. Oh God. I wish they would just get it over with so I could get on with it then. I feel like I did when I was waiting for Kaylee to die–hurry up and just wait for the awful thing to happen.
Just do it already.
Pull the trigger.
7pm
In house NA group–Tori’s sponsor is getting the DL on the shenanigans going on here today. Tomorrow’s going to be fun. God, I hope this one blows over. I don’t think it’s going to, though.
Step Six:
“We’re entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.”
“This is the step that separates the men from the boys.”
My most glaring character defects:
Self-pity
Lying
Anger
Selfishness
Tori: “I’m a fucking dandelion. I’m not some pretty flower that withers and dies when you look at it, I just come back harder when you cut me down.
My Creator, I am now
Willing that You should
Have all of me, good
And bad.
I pray that you
Now remove from
Me every single defect
Of character which
Stands in the way of
My usefulness to you
And my fellows.
Grant me strength, as
I go out from here to
Do your bidding.
AMEN
8:30pm
Almost time for bed, thank the Lord. This day has been completely and totally exhausting. I don’t really want to wake up tomorrow. Isn’t that awful? I’m so sick of bad things happening that I just want to be dead already. This life over. Start again please. Sick of it, all of the punishments this life has for me. It never seems to be enough to please the powers that be.
Kat is sewing a hole in a shirt for me, and Grammy, Elaine, Brenda, and I are hanging out watching The Voice (well, I’m not allowed to watch it, so I’m writing). It’s almost kind of nice, except for the looming sense of dread that I have about what happened today. Jo is the snitch this time. Jolene just showed me a beautiful word and picture collage that she made in rehab that represents a year in her life. I’m glad she showed me. She’s proud of it. Elaine made me a glow-in-the-dark “best friends” bracelet, because my last one fell off somewhere, and a little sign that I put in my window that says, “Live, Love.” I guess she ran out of room for the “Laugh.” These people have become my family in the last year. When Grammy got back to the Center from PRIDE today, she chirped, “I feel much better today!” I was glad. I wonder what will happen tomorrow. I guess all I can do is wait and see.
Kat, Georgia, and Jolene are discussing now what it was like for them when someone close to them died. The profundity and depth of the conversations we have here continue to amaze me. Grammy just told me to sing along with her to a song. She likes to sing.
Tori’s new clothes from her new boyfriend Harley are fancy labels like Vera Wang and Jennifer Lopez. I’m a little ashamed to say that I am jealous. Of course the only man in the running won The Voice.
On an Our Daily Bread:
“The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him.” –Nahum 1:7
On my birthday, June 10th, it says:
Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling.” –1 Peter 4:9
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