MUNCY STATE PRISON
January 11th, 2025
1:36pm
Bambi, Martha, and Daisy are currently gossiping about the low-quality of inmates here, and then by proxy, comparing the CO’s. “She’s disgusting” and “Who says that?” are flying around in the open air. Martha is always concerned about what I’m writing, as if I’m writing exclusively about her. Well, now I am.
SHE NEVER STOPS GOSSIPING.
It’s exhausting.
“She” this and “she” that. I can’t imagine what she says about me. And Daisy buys right into it, like she loves it. And Bambi, who is constantly talking about people being “ugly,” but never looks in a mirror.
Ugh.
January 14th, 2025
11:31am
Martha is always doing something. Right now she is meaningfully searching through her cardboard records box, stopping every few seconds to consider one of the papers or booklets in it. Bambi is gossiping with Daisy in the background about workers at the sewing factory, where they both work.
Martha has settled on a book of Christian devotionals, while Daisy snorts disdainfully, “She’s lazy. I don’t care for her.”
Behind Martha hanging on a line are a towel, underwear, a bra, and a washcloth. On her bed are books, skeins of yarn, a deck of playing cards, some red and white striped mints, and blankets folded neatly against the wall.
This is her workspace.
“She acts like a brat,” says Daisy, “She must’ve gotten a DUI.”
ON GRIEF: AN ESSAY
They say grief comes in waves, and that there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. Grief is more than sadness, it is an empty aching in your soul in a place that used to be filled. One grieves in direct proportion to the amount that one loves the being they are grieving for. A mother’s loss of a child is said to be the pinnacle, the most a person can suffer with grief. The Holy Grail, the gold standard by which every other grief is measured.
7pm
Somebody fell in the shower and hit her head and then started having seizures. They called an ambulance and the paramedics took her out of here. She looked bloody and unconscious.
January 22nd, 2025
Wednesday
I am reading “Untamed” by Glennon Doyle, who is a woman who used to write books on being a straight, Christian mother whose husband cheats on her, but now writes about a love-at-first-sight encounter at a book conference with a woman named Abby. She changed her whole life. She is very brave.
Zuko asked me the other day if I would be her “makeout buddy.” I told her I needed to think about it, so I did. I thought about how Daisy, Martha, and Bambi constantly talk about how disgusting it is that women here are kissing in the bathroom, usually while they make retching noises and mime throwing up. Then I thought about Motorcycle and monogamy and all of the “shoulds.”
The I thought about what I would do if I didn’t care what anybody thought of me, and how nice it would be to be kissed by Zuko. I thought about what I would do if I was being my bravest, truest self.
I said yes yesterday.
She hasn’t kissed me yet.
I kind of can’t wait.
On the radio:
“Baby I want something else
To get me through this
Life…”
“Selfless women make for an efficient society but not a beautiful, true, or just one.” –Glennon Doyle
“Mercy and empathy are great threats to an unjust society.” –Glennon Doyle
January 24th, 2025
Friday
1:28pm
I don’t think we’re going to Commissary today.
Sucks.
They’re just shopping the Unit next door right now, and usually it’s all done in the morning.
Zuko kissed me today.
I was SO nice to be kissed and touched. I can’t even describe how nice it was. I miss physical affection something fierce. I got the feeling that if we weren’t in a prison and there were no rules, we’d have kept going and had full-blown sex, the energy was so…crackling. THAT would probably be amazing. She’s so gentle and soft. The way she smiled right before she kissed me…I can’t get it out of my head. It was like she was thinking, “This is going to be good–I just know it.”
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm….it was.
I was nervous but now I’m not. I just can’t wait to do it again.
I hope we don’t get in trouble.
Ugh.
Fucking prison.
No good things allowed.
January 25th, 2025
Saturday
Stryder visited today. He stayed for three hours even though he could’ve stayed longer. They put in a new system for the vending machines and nobody knew how to use the cards, so there was nothing to eat or drink. After three hours we didn’t have anything left to talk about. I told him about Zuko and then regretted it. He said, “Why did you tell me that?” I said, “Because it’s the most exciting thing that’s happened to me in a year.”
I don’t know what to say to you, dude.
I’m never going to be your person.
End of story.
I told him to stop putting me on a pedestal and date other people.
God.
“I’ll spread my wings
And I’ll learn how to fly
I’ll do what it takes
Till I touch the sky
I’ll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway…”
January 27th, 2025
Monday
1:37pm
Pam read my manuscript so far and wrote down some notes for me:
“Notes for Justine
- It would be nice to hear about more of your childhood in the beginning, and how you grew up. If you had problems as a child, maybe depression, etc.
- I know it’s a rough draft, some of the parts felt disorganized, jumped around a lot (could get confusing for some)
- I think you should really break down your mental illness how you did in the meeting, you explained it really well to us.
- I loved learning more about you! You are so intelligent and brave. The story was very interesting, and I learned new things.
- It kept me reading the whole way through, I was up to late! LOL
- I really have no other suggestions, but to keep going! I’m excited to read more!
Love,
Pam
Zuko wrote me a note:
Hey 🙂
I figured it’s fair to let you know what I’m thinking over here. I really like spending time with you, both hanging out chilling and this new bonus adventure 😀. Maybe we were both in denial or oblivious, but obviously everyone else (including the fucking librarian) knew what we’re just figuring out now lol.
*shrug*
You’re really smart and funny and caring and it’s really easy to talk and joke with you. You have a very pretty smile, even with what the Amazing Adam [dentist] to you. 🙂Don’t feel any type of way about that, you’re beautiful and I love to see you smile…especially the way you smile at me when we take a break from kissing. 🙂 You’re really cute when you do that. You’re a good kisser, I very much enjoy feeling your lips on mine. And I love getting to touch you, you feel good against me and in my arms. It annoys TF out of me that this comes in like 10 second timeframes. I want a LOT more time with you, alone. I want to slowly explore all of you with my fingertips, and my mouth 🙂. You’re very sexy, but you already knew that. Thanks for letting me invade your space. After that whole Sweet Tea bad being spoken into existence, I may or may not have wished for tits.
Lmao 😂
Thank you for being concerned about everything I’d lose if we tried some shit, you’re sweet. It’s extremely tempting…and risky.
*sigh*
It’s difficult not touching you when I want to. I really wanted to hold your hands when you were shaky, but I obviously can’t do that. 😣
You aren’t very good at keeping this a secret, lol.
Hopefully the shower was loud enough that she didn’t hear you. I can smell you on my shirt…that’s not a bad thing. 🙂
I wrote Zuko back:
I loved your letter. I really like spending time with you too. Maybe I am/was in denial or oblivious, but you’ll have to forgive me, I’ve identified myself as straight for a really long time. It just didn’t occur to me that you’d be interested in me romantically at all. I guess I’m not as straight as I thought I was, because I am crazy attracted to you. I think you’re sexy as fuck and I love it when you kiss me and put your hands on me. It feels right to me, and I have to trust that. I love the way you look at me and your eyes and your smile. You’re a very good kisser, did I mention that? About you slowly exploring my body with your fingertips and mouth–well that sounds like Heaven to me.
Sexy, sexy.
Fuck.
I just don’t want it to be hurried and stressful and in a fucking prison bathroom. Plus, it could get you in a lot of trouble.
I can wait.
And if you need help with your PCRA, I would love to help! There’s a lot of love in this letter. Oh well. You are important to me, and I don’t want to ruin anything for you.
And you’re right, I’m not good at this, but I will keep doing it as long as you will tolerate me. I think about you all of the time. I will try to keep my big, fat mouth shut.
Unless you’re kissing me in it.
(Did you like that? Kissing in the mouth, lol.)
I crack myself up.
I’m looking forward to making your shirts smell like me for a while, so get used to it. And if you ever want to date someone seriously, I will totally understand. But just so you know, I am thoroughly enjoying myself right now. Who knew you could have this much fun in prison?
I didn’t.
But if it ended tomorrow, I would still cherish our friendship. I just want you to know that you’re important to me. Now I’m repeating myself, so I’m going to stop writing.
On the radio:
“Take the bottle
Shake up up…
Pour some sugar on me…”
The end of that.
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