Love, Justine

WOMEN’S CENTER

May 11th, 2018

Friday

Day 312

6:30am

Big is already here–I guess he wanted to get a jump-start on his day. I woke up early today–got to wear a skirt and a pretty shirt that I got yesterday at the Community Closet. Nikolai is here, but she has to stay in her own section of the Center. I have to go do my hair.

10am

Over at the gym. We were playing volley ball but then Elaine went after the ball and fell down the stairs. 

Of course she did.

I haven’t gotten the results of my urine culture yet–I reminded Big to call them. I also need an appointment for my shoulder that he hasn’t called about yet–it’s really bothering me. I injured it a couple years ago when a German Shepard I was walking about pulled my arm out of its socket when he lunged at a car. I fell down and everything. 

Let’s see what my Living Clean book has to say to me today: 

“Having all the answers makes it hard to be teachable.”

“We begin to move toward what we want instead of just away from what we fear.”

“Making peace with loss is one way we learn acceptance.”

“Learning about acceptance, love, and compassion helps us to accept ourselves without conditions.

“Sanity is living in harmony with reality.”

1pm

Big is making me move my room. 

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr……

I don’t feel like it, I’ve been very tired today. I felt great until I took my meds–I think it’s the Hep-C med that’s making me feel this way. 

Sugar Momma seems to be adjusting well, except that she’s in withdrawal from some of her meds that she can’t be on while she’s here because they are controlled drugs. I wonder how my sister’s doing. My doctor finally called about that stupid urine culture but she said it looked more like contamination, so no antibiotics for me.

Great.

Then I’m not sure why I’ve been peeing so much–maybe he’s right. 

Who knows.

Back to my Living Clean book:

“Living, loving, surviving loss, and celebrating success, we find that the tools of recovery that gave us our lives also help us to live with grace, integrity, and joy.”

“We don’t think our way into a new way of living, we live our way into a new way of thinking.”

May 12th, 2018

Saturday

Day 313

10am

Everybody feels like shit today, including me. It’s cold and raining, and everybody seems to have a headache or is sore from the weather–it sucks. The bad mood seems to be catchy too. The only one that’s in a good mood is Elaine, who is happily doing laps around the cafeteria. Tori got written up again–this time for her room being a mess. She feels targeted, and thinks Big is out to get her. He didn’t accept her essay either–said it wasn’t “essay format.”

Hm.

Grammy is singing loudly to Garth Brooks in the dining room–it’s kind of funny. We planted a bunch of seeds in this tiny plastic greenhouse that Gert brought in, and they’re coming up nicely. I can’t wait to plant them in the garden. Of course, the peas and beans that we planted directly into the garden aren’t coming up. Maybe we planted them too early. 

Loreen gets to leave today. Jo is bitching about not having a smoke break before lunch–she’s going to get smoking taken from us altogether, and then everybody will want to kill her. She just ran in her room and slammed the door.

If Big were here, he would take away her door too. 

I’m so tired. I’ve been getting up three or four times to pee lately, and that’s not like me, which is why I thought I had a bladder infection, but then the doctor said I didn’t. 

Maybe I’m just getting old and leaky.

Gross. 

I had a dream that Big was in last night. I had gone to watch a play that he was directing, and the whole time I was staring at him rather than watching the play. 

Gawd.

Even my subconscious is infatuated with him.

That’s enough about that.

It’s Mother’s Day tomorrow–the boys are coming. Gert wants us to make Mother’s Day cards today–ugh. 

I don’t know if I’ve come that far.

10:30pm

My head hurts so bad. I don’t don’t know if it’s because of that new Med for Hep C, or if it’s because my teeth are shifting from where I had some pulled. 

Maybe both.

No Harley and Nick at the meeting in Galeton tonight. No Nickolai either. I’m worried about her. The guy she was hanging out with on Thursday was clearly high. Georgia took us to the meeting tonight. She’s good people. I worry that she’s going to get fired though–she says she won’t quit smoking weed, so if they start drug testing here, that wouldn’t go well for her.

Who fucking cares anyway–it’s weed.

I feel bad for her–the love of her life died a few years ago, and when she talks about him, I can feel her pain. Sandra and I are the only people that stayed up tonight. She’s watching a cooking competition show. Sugar Momma is doing pretty badly–I think she’s withdrawing from more than Adderal and Ativan, which is what she said. I guess she had a pooping accident and Jo had to tell her to clean the bathroom afterward.

Gross.

Six weeks until I get the fuck out of here. Somebody asked me tonight at the meeting if I had mixed feelings about leaving, and I was like, “NO! I CAN’T WAIT TO GET OUT OF THERE!!”

This has been the longest year of my life, hands down.

I miss my kids so much. I wonder if my parents will give them back to me, or if I’ll have to fight for years more. I fucking hope not. I wish my mother would go to therapy or get on medication–she’s so bipolar that she’s completely unpredictable.

Jesse the Sleep Nazi actually let me sleep today–probably because I looked so bad. I did clean with the rest of the residents for an hour for “Deep Clean” time, but that was all I could take. This cold, rainy weather really gets to me, and then to have a massive headache on top of it….sucks. Tomorrow I start taking the medication at 5pm, so that I’ll only feel like crap for half of the day. Night shift just came in. Let’s see what my Living Clean book says to me tonight.

“Through these periods of grave doubt and uncertainty, we find a new surrender, a deeper faith, and often, a very different sense of who we are.”

“We come to identify for ourselves what is restorative time alone and what is destructive withdrawal.”

“Letting go of the idea that we have to understand why things happen or how it all works frees us to have a spiritual experience without wondering if we’re doing it right.”

“A lot of the stepwork we do after the first time through is about clarity: listening to the voice within that tells us when what we are doing is right, and when it’s not in line with our values.”

“We find stability, dignity, and honor in our dealings with others where once we saw struggle, degradation, and alienation.”

“We learn who we are precisely when we forget ourselves in services to others.”

“Humility is about discovering a sense of [self] proportion firmly grounded in reality.”

Time for lights out–this new residential worker, Alice, says she can’t sing a note, but she wants to hear me sing, and she has a karaoke machine that she’s going to bring in for a singing group!

Cool!

Now I have to try to sleep after sleeping all day.

Blech.