Love, Justine

WOMEN’S CENTER

May 13th, 2018

Mother’s Day

Sunday

Day 314

4:30pm

I felt a little better today–still had a headache all day though. I’m beginning to think it’s not the medication at all, but my teeth shifting that’s causing my headaches. 

All three kids came today, surprisingly, and they all made me a card, too. What shocked me the most was a hand-made pillow from my mother, though. On it was a woman superhero, and it said, “She needed a superhero, and so she became one.” 

Shocked the shit out of me.

That was nice of her, and she’s not known for doing nice things. 

I didn’t go to Bible Study today because my head hurt so bad, and Jenny, the lady that teaches it, left me some papers. We’ll see what they say:

John 1:12

“But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.”

Romans 10:13

“For ‘everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”

Matthew 7:8

“For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.”

8pm

My sponsor came. We talked more about forgiveness. I’m working on forgiving my mother, father, sister, and myself. Let’s see what my AA book has to say to me today:

“But they had not learned enough of humility, fearlessness, and honesty, in the sense we find it necessary, until they told someone else all their life story.”

“We must be entirely honest with somebody if we expect to live long or happily in this world.”

“The rule is we must be hard on ourselves, but always considerate of others.”

:Once we have taken this step, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator.”

“We thank God from the bottom of our heart that we know Him better.”

Step Seven: “My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows.”

Okay, enough of that, let’s see more of what I missed in Bible Study:

1 John 1:9

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

1 John 3:11 

“For this is the message that you have heard from the beginning, that we should love one another. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen.”

“Faith without works is dead.”

“If we haven’t the will to do this, we ask until it comes. Remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol.”

May 14th, 2018

Monday

Day 315

7am

Today is my therapy day. Therapy aaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllll day. Brenda has been sick lately–puking. They’re taking her blood pressure now. Mr. Big is here already–I wonder why. The only male residential worker is quitting today–he got another job, and it hates it here, I guess. I have another headache today. I’m getting sick of having headaches all of the time–it makes me in a bad mood. Tori is working mandatory overtime today–yuck. Even though I got in huge trouble for it, I don’t regret quitting that horrible job.

Gross–Brenda is barfing again. I hope it gets warm today–I’m sick of the cold and rain. 

11am

It did get warm out–thank Heavens. Therapy was good–I talked about my relationship with my mother, maybe not living with Tori after all (because of the men), and being worried about Nickolai. My headache has improved some. I wonder what the rest of the day will be like. Jo now comes to therapy with me, and she bought me a Mountain Dew–this day is getting better and better! I guess Mr. Big has a training today, so he won’t be there when we get back. I have to remember to call disability back today–hopefully an appointment has opened up. I guess Jo has to write two more essays because she flipped out at Jessie yesterday and caught another writeup. Mr. Big says she can’t work until her attitude improves. Gawd–why was Pink ever allowed to work, then?! They make so many concessions for that woman. I wonder how she is–I haven’t seen her at a meeting lately. 

The dandelions are out everywhere–it’s so pretty. I love yellow flowers. The sky is pretty today too–blue as blue can be, with giant white puffball clouds. I wish I could cut and dye my hair–it’s looking raggedy. Big won’t let me until I’m off restriction. 

Ugh. The lady that’s driving us today doesn’t talk much and likes country music. I’ve never seen her before–she must not know the rule about not stopping anywhere with us–she stopped at Sheetz and let us smoke. She has one of those tree air fresheners that says “New Car Scent” on it. 

Funny.

I like the song that’s on–it says, “Thank God for this woman, Amen.

She gives me faith, She gives me grace, She gives me hope, She gives me love.”

Oooooh Rite Aid has garden stuff for 50% off–I wish I could buy some. I guess I won’t get to have a garden this year–*sigh*. I have to stop feeling sorry for myself all of the time–it’s almost over. Almost over, almost over, almost over. Sixty-seven degrees out–nice. This is dress weather–maybe I’ll wear my new blue dress to the meeting tonight. Probably not–I’m still a little too fat for it. I need to lost 10lbs. I can get down to 150, but never below it. At my last doctor’s appointment, I weighed 152lbs. Grrrrrrr…..

Wow, we just passed a sign that said “roadwork for the next 17 miles, consider alternate route.” I don’t think there is an alternate route to the Center. Summer weather makes me want to be free so bad. Bla-well, on the bright side, it’s better than jail, or worse–prison. Maybe I’ll call my ex-brother in law and tell him that I need a pair of strappy sandals with a heel. I don’t know if I want to waste my only personal phone call for the week on that, though. Maybe I’ll call my next book, “Centered.” Haha, that made me laugh. This ride is taking forever. I just saw a truck that looks like Big’s and thought, “I miss sex. I miss being touched. I miss kissing.” 

I really do. 

A year is a long time to go without. And it’s going to be longer still, because when I get out, I’m done with the meaningless sex thing. I want the real thing. All of it. The whole shebang.

I don’t need my parents dragging my sexual trysts into court anymore, and for “me” reasons too. And for my kids–they deserve an actual father figure if I’m going to invite a man into our lives. Of course, I don’t even know what that looks like, and I don’t think that anybody will ever measure up, so I think sex is out the window for a super long time yet. 

Ugh. 

Joy.

Oh, well. It is what it is. 

No more flings. 

Period. 

I deserve better. So do my kids.

I found out that Tiger calls her step-mother “Mom.” That hurts. So no more bad decisions. Period.

1pm

I’m off to Crossroads with The Silent Driver–Robert, I think his name is. No matter what, he never speaks. He’s like one of those British guards that are like statues–they are trained never to move or speak (unless they actually have to defend the castle or whatever they’re guarding.) Oh, I have to pee. Why didn’t I go before I left?? 

Ugh.

I was in a hurry. 

I tried to call Social Security, but the wait time was 55 minutes, so that’s a no-go for today. I WISH I COULD JUST GET ON THE DAMN COMPUTER!

Grumble, grumble, grumble.

Ew, this guy likes country music too. You know who I miss? Tex! She was always so damn funny. There’s a good song on the radio that’s telling a story about a Corvette that belonged to a soldier “that fought for his country and never made it home,” and he gave it away to whoever first read the note he left in it. I love songs that tell a story. In fact, my favorite song is called, “The Story.” It’s by a folk singer named Brandy Carlile. Now a song is on about not underestimating the impossible. That makes me think of the medical miracles that I saw when I was a Vet Tech. God, I miss that work. I wonder if the State Board would ever give me a license again, considering my drug history. You can’t be a nurse if you can’t safely be around controlled drugs, and that’s what a Vet Tech is: the equivalent of an RN.

There’s so many beautiful houses on this ride. I wonder if I’ll ever have a beautiful house. I want one. A house I could fall in love with, and call my own. So–my next crazy dream is to have Great Love, a house, and incorporate vet-teching into that, or teaching vet-teching. I’m convinced that Coudersport would be a great place for a Vet Tech School. Is that crazy? I need to know. Maybe I’ll bring it up to the Educational Council. 

Hm. 

I wonder how my ex-brother-in-law, Stryder, is doing. I miss everything about life. Everything. It still kills me that Tori and I got sentenced to a year here, and I haven’t seen that repeated by that judge. Not once. It’s like it’s arbitrary and he was just having a bad day, or something. An entire year. How do you justify taking a year of someone’s life away for harassing a neighbor?? Man I have to pee! I wonder if I’ll get that sling surgery I was considering on my bladder. I guess I should. My sponsor did it and says it was the best decision she ever made. I have to stop writing because all I can think about now is peeing. I guess that’s the sign I needed to make that decision. I’m not willing to have my bladder run my life any more. I have to think about it constantly!

2pm

Now I have an hour to wait. I don’t care–it’s gorgeous and beautiful outside and it’s making me in a great mood.

Huh. 

Tori’s therapist just came out for a cigarette break and we started talking because I said that I loved her dress, and then asked her where I got it–she told me about this awesome place in New York that Amish-run, and I’m not sure if it’s called “The Windmill,’ but it’s in Pennyan, and it sounds like it would be a blast of a day trip! Then we started talking about Tori, and…I don’t know. I’m thinking that this living together thing is not going to work out after all.

3:30pm

Mansfield University has a new police officer degree program. Cool. My therapist told me that because I was talking about how Stryder let his dream of being a police officer go and that’s why I think he switches jobs so much. I’m waiting for my ride now–this guy I’m sitting next to has a son that might get drafted into the NFL!

Wow!

His son’s name is Tyler Melko, and they’ll find out at the beginning of June. His dad is really proud of him–goes to see his games and stuff. Seems like a good guy. Pretty cool. I wonder what my sons will become. 

Hey! Chelsie’s in the van! Cool! We just passed an accident where a whole dump truck tipped over in somebody’s yard. Everybody’s out walking their dogs today. Oh, it’s so nice. I don’t want to go back. Somebody save me. 

I just saw a little red calf hopping and jumping and playing by its mom. 

Cool.

Ah, well, back at the Center. I wonder what fuckery happened today. 

6pm

Jo got her room searched today because she took her cigarettes into her room–gawd.

Grammy is mad at Elaine because she says Elaine stole a shirt from her, and Sugar Momma is happy, itchy, and off-balance–which screams drugs, but who am I to say? I’m on hold again with Social Security. I wonder what they’ll say today.

Freakin’ Sandra can’t keep her mouth shut to save her life–she called Elaine and Sugar Momma both fat within the space of five minutes. I gave her a disapproving look both times, and she yelled, “Justine! I’m only joking!” Whatever. Don’t be mean, and I won’t give you dirty looks. This irony is that just yesterday she got mad when Brenda pointed out she had no teeth. Sugar Momma colored me some butterflies and flowers for Mother’s Day. That wasa nice of her. I get the feeling that she thinks that she has to make continual amends to me for treating me like shit when we were both screwing Ike.

6pm

Group today is on coping skills with anger: Practice deep breathing, keep an anger log, use diversions, take a time-out, and know your warning signs. 

Good group.

Social Security says they’ll call me by Wednesday.

11pm

I’m super worried about Tori. She’s in a manic phase, and she won’t stop fucking Bill at work, and I know he’s giving her drugs. I’m sure of it. She has crazy in her eyes, but it’s more than that–she’s not sleeping and her eyes are wide open and glassy all of the time, and she’s not making any sense. Tonight she tried to get into the van with us to go to the meeting, and when Kat and Georgia told her that she couldn’t, she cried and cried at the unfairness of it all. I don’t have a good handle on what’s happening, but it’s bad, whatever it is., and now Jo and Jolene are involved too.

FUCK!!

This fucking sucks.

I’m going to have to talk to Big tomorrow.

FML.

May 15th, 2018

Tuesday

Day 316

6:30am

I wrote a letter to Mr. Big rather than talk to him–I’m afraid of saying too much. It went something like this:
Mr. Big, 

I’m worried about Tori, and I’m not the only one. This is more than acting out, she’s in a Bipolar manic phase. She’s not sleeping, making poor choices, and she doesn’t make sense sometimes. If you want to know the truth, I think that job is very, very bad for her and that she could use a stay in a psych unit. I am saying this out of concern, not because I want her to get in more trouble. Thought you should know.

–Justine

We’ll see how that goes. I can’t wait for this one–NOT. I have a feeling today will not be good. Of course I always seem to have a looming sense of dread for some reason.

7:30am

Mr. Big is here, but he hasn’t been out in the common area yet. I wonder what he’ll do about Tori. Her birthday is on the 25th of this month. I think she’ll be 28 years old. I hope she’s doing better by then. I put on a skirt today to feel better, and it started a trend. It seems like everyone is wearing a dress today. Now Mr. Big is talking to the guy who’s going to quit today.

9am

Well, Big talked to Tori. Or rather–Tori sobbed and shrieked at Big while he tried to get her to admit that she was using. She didn’t admit it. She’s reverted to a kind of child-like state that’s pretty alarming. Big is very anti-medication, which worries me too. She’s letting this pig, Bill, at work exploit her weaknesses, and it makes me sick. She doesn’t seem to realize that she is an adult and that she has the power to stop all of this. I was glad that Big didn’t question me because I would have a very hard time lying to him.

Tori is talking about how much she hates Sandra and how she’s going to “punch her in the eye.” Oh now she’s getting all ghetto-technical about it: “Bitch, I’ll break your zygomatic arch!”

I advised her not to.

A song is on that says, “Sometimes I feel like giving up, but I just can’t–it isn’t in my blood.”

Mine either, although I’ve considered it a time or two. I wonder how Tori’s therapy session will go.

12:30pm

Well as soon as Tori got into group, the therapist sent her to her individual therapist, and Tori must have told her about the guy at work and about seeing and hearing things that weren’t real, because they’re drug testing her now, and they they’re going to try to get her hospitalized today in a psych unit. I feel so bad for her. I’ve been there–feeling like you’re crazy and no one is listening to you. This has been building for weeks, and all they have her on is Lamictal–an anti-seizure drug. What she needs is an antipsychotic. I do hope she doesn’t test positive for anything and that she gets the help that she needs.  

Ugh. 

I’m so anxious about this whole situation I can’t stand it. She’s scared to go to the hospital, but she did agree to go. We’ll see what happens. I need to write my mother and make amends to her, but I’m not in the right frame of mind to do it now.

I need a distraction–I guess I’ll read my “Living Clean” book.

“When we focus on living the will of our Higher Power and carrying the message, our identities grow and flourish.”

“Practicing compassion helps us to stop comparing ourselves to others.”

“We learn that what once felt like a reason to isolate is actually one more reason why it’s important why we’re here: We are each uniquely qualified to carry the message to the addict who sees him- or herself in us.”

1:30pm

Now we’re on our way back–it’s raining cats and dogs. Flooding everywhere. This morning we had hail at the Center. I guess it’s up to the Center whether Toni gets hospitalized or not. Wow–we’re getting tornado warnings for this area and south of us. I don’t trust the sky right now. Or this driver, to be frank–he’s all over the road generally, tornado weather notwithstanding. He keeps asking about Tex, but I haven’t heard anything good about her to report. The radio is telling everyone to take cover, get on the lowest level of your house, and avoid windows. 

Sheez.

I wonder what’s going to happen with Tori. I don’t think the Center is going to let her go to a psych unit, even though that’s what she needs. The psych doctor can get her in tomorrow if the Center can arrange a ride to Wellsboro. Tori says she always dies in a tornado in her dreams–great. 

Wow–now on the radio–this couple went to Zimbabwe to get married, and the bride-to-be got attacked by a crocodile and lost an arm, and they got married anyway four days later!!

WOW.

“We have a message of hope to carry. It’s a gift and an obligation.”

“Our recovery is something we can trust and believe in. New beginnings are possible anytime we are ready.”

“Spiritual principles give us a language through which we develop our values and learn to live by them.”

7pm

In-house AA meeting–Tori’s sponsor hosts these and all we do is red out of a book–mind-numbingly boring and complicated further by the fact that many people cannot read aloud well. When we got back to the Center, Mr. Big talked to Tori some, but he tried to convince her that she needed to go to rehab and not a psych hospital. 

Humble: modest, meek, deeply respectful

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions:

“We shall want to hold ourselves to the course of admitting the things we have done, meanwhile forgiving the wrongs done vs. real or fancied.”

“It is the beginning of the end of isolation from our fellows and from God.”

9:30pm

Uh oh.

We seem to have a defector. Sandra is trying to take over everything–she even pissed Kat off tonight. She seems to be a control freak–she wouldn’t do the meditation questions without everyone being completely silent, which pissed everybody off, and then she said she was going to deck Elaine and that Tori was a psycho, which did not go down well. Everyone started yelling at her, and then she popped off with, “All I have to do is call Candy Flotsam (the local District Attorney), and I’m outta here!”  Of course that made everyone laugh, and then she stormed out of the room, yelling and swearing. Kat made her come back in to finish meditation, predictably, which made her even more furious. Now she’s on the phone with her husband, begging to go home as if there’s anything he can do about it.
Anyway, here are the inspirational quotes Tori put on the board:

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms–to choose one’s own way.”  –Victor Frankl

“In the middle of every difficulty lies opportunity.”  –Albert Einstein

“What we steadily, consciously, habitually think we are, we tend to become.”  –Ann Landers

“Two men look out at the same bard; one sees mud, and one sees the stars.”  –Fredrick Langbridge

10pm

Okay, I did my part–I talked to Sandra and told her that she needed to try to assimilate because fighting with everybody is just going to make her stay that much longer. She said she’s stressed because her family can’t visit and her bipolar meds aren’t working. I told her to call her doctor and try to figure out a way to reduce her anxiety. I guess during shopping today, she took over and needed to super-organize everything in the cart and then in the van, making the trip that much longer for everybody. 

Geezoman.

She’s having real control issues. Then she tried to take everyone’s mail out of their boxes and pass it out to them, which is a clear confidentiality breach. 

I guess I’ll try to do Community in the morning so she doesn’t piss anybody off. Boy, there would be a revolt if she got senior resident.

Omg now she just pointed out to Kat and Alice that there is alcohol in her conditioner, to which they replied that in that case it would need to be locked up, and then she said it wasn’t fair because she is not an alcoholic.

Smh. 

GOOD NIGHT.