Love, Justine

WOMEN’S CENTER

May 16th, 2018

Wednesday

Day 317

3pm

I’ve had a fucker of a day. Headache all day and super tired. I told my psych doctor about it and she told me to take vitamins B, C, and D. Big told me I could get them, but not when. I also need to pay some bills and get a money order to renew my license before June. Everything here happens so slowly. I saw Nickolai strolling the baby around the property today. I wonder how she’s doing. Kat wants me to make up some discussion topics for group tonight, so I have to do that now. 

7:30pm

Kat is taking us to Coudersport–me and Sugar Momma to my grief group and Tori, Jo, and Jolene to the meeting. Kat never drives–I wonder why she is taking us. Tori is doing much better today, and in more good news, she quit her job! She didn’t get into trouble though–she had Mr. Big and the Big Boss’s permission. My head is killing me. It was cold and damp today, but I wore my new dress from the Community Closet today anyway. It made me feel marginally better. Tori went to therapy today and it went well, I guess. Maybe Nikolai will go to the meeting and Tori will talk to her.

May 17th, 2018

Thursday

Day 318

1:30pm

We’re doing a budgeting group–super boring. Balancing a checkbook and such. We did Community Service earlier at the Community Building for 2 ½ hours and then had lunch, but I couldn’t eat because my head hurts so much. Yesterday, Elaine said during my group, “I’m so glad I don’t get my menstruals anymore!” out of nowhere–it was funny. 

It’s really nice out today–sunshiney and warm, but I can’t really enjoy it because of my head. I can’t wait to be off of this Hep-C medication, Mavret. The pharmacy called me yesterday to see how I was tolerating the medication, and when I told them I was headachey and tired, they said that those were the two most common complaints. 

Elaine and Brenda are making paper hats out of their fake checkbooks, and the rest of us are just sitting here, bored to tears. I wish we could plant some things in the garden instead of doing stupid groups inside…Sandra is still annoying everyone to death.

May 18th, 2018

Friday

Day 319

8am

I have another headache. Shocker. Mr. Big says I should drink more water. Double shocker. He’s probably right.

10:30am

Living Clean Book:

“Each time we recognize an opportunity for spiritual growth, we experience a reawakening of hope.”

“We ease the pain of living through spiritual principles.”

“Surviving our own lives seems impossible when we get here, but we learn, gradually, to face reality and make friends with the truth.”

“We can love our lives, find joy in being alive, and face the world with genuine excitement.”

“What we find is not that our Higher Power spares us the hardships of life, but that we receive the grace to get through them clean.”

“Humility and gratitude walk hand in hand. We practice saying what we are grateful for whether or not we feel it.”

“Part of learning is making mistakes. We learn as much by missing the mark as we do by finding our target.”

“In the same way that a small change in course greatly alters the destination of ships at sea, small changes in the way we respond to life can free us from old, repetitive patterns and open us to new ways of thinking and acting.”

“Accepting our freedom is a massive act of spiritual courage.”

1pm

Gawd. Sandra is still on her “I’m leaving!” kick. She also said, “I don’t need education! I done graduated!” when she was told we’re doing an “educational” group. 

Ugh. 

I’m losing my health insurance on Sunday. 

Ugh. 

Uh oh. Mr. Big just came out when Sandra spouted, “I have an ass-ache! Can I go lay down?” This is because she was told that Brenda was laying down because she had a headache.

Now Gert is trying to do a group on building each other up. Now people are saying nice things about each other–that’s nice. Sugar Momma is trying to quit caffeine and cigarettes at the same time, which is not going well. She stayed in bed until 11:30am. I wish I could do that. Elaine is trying to take over the group–it’s kind of funny. She keeps interjecting ridiculous things into the conversation that have nothing to do with anything.

Big left for the day–must be nice!

Tori is still having a hard time–Big told her that she was being dramatic and that she needs in-patient rehab.

Uh oh.

Now we’re in an uncomfortable conversation about God. The Big Boss just walked in. At least she interrupted the conversation–Gert was talking about her prayers when her husband died. She thinks it’s her fault that he died because she prayed for him to be out of pain instead of for him to live.

Geezoman.

That’s a lot of guilt to carry around. 

Now Jo is bitching because Big is only letting her smoke two cigarettes per day until she stops yelling and screaming and starts participating. Now Tori is complaining that her mental illness is a joke because she wants to go to a psych ward.

This has gotten off track. 

Tori has been asking for help for two weeks–she sees her psychiatrist next week. I feel bad for her. Hopefully she gets put on different meds. Now this is just a bitch session. 

Hm.

Aaaaaaaaaaaand now we’re talking about brain cancer and being overweight. I told the group that we should practice gratitude more often and make gratitude lists.

2pm

That was the longest hour ever. Now we have another group, this one on thinking errors. 

Lord, have mercy.

6pm

Tori says it smells like sweat, dirty feet, and farts in here. I talked to the boys–they had cereal for supper and Henry got attacked by a chicken and stung by a bee today. 

Hm. 

They went to my ex-friend, Folly’s, house today–she has twin boys too.

10pm

I just weighed myself–154lbs, which is depressing. I have skipped at least one meal per day this week because my head hurt so bad. I have to do laundry tomorrow. I have a zit on my shoulder that’s really irritating. I guess Tori’s new man’s ex-girlfriend snooped through his truck and found Tori’s letters and flipped shit. I’m pretty sure he broke up with her to be with Tori. 

I guess Jo is going to get written up again for breaking the no smoking rule. Now Kat and Georgia are talking about the ghost Jacob that lives here. Jolene and Jo are freaking out because they’re talking about it. Georgia went to the kitchen and Tori laid in wait for her and jumped out and scared her. Georgia says now she has a poop stain on her pants. 

Funny.

Now we’re talking about sleep paralysis, which happened to Tori last night. Now Tori’s talking about her lightning bolt stretch mark that points to her clit. 

Funny.

I told her it’s there so no one loses their way.

May 19th, 2018

Saturday

Day 320

6pm

I slept most of the day today–my headaches got the best of me. I didn’t even eat or smoke. I got out of Community Service and groups for half the day–Gert must have felt bad for me. Feliz’s grandmother or great-grandmother died, so she’s been off for a few days, but she’s here tonight. She’s having a hard time of it. Elaine is having a hard time because her boyfriend says he doesn’t “feel anything” when he comes to visit her. I told her to get a new boyfriend.

I guess we have to do “Team Building” now–I think we’re just going to do discussion topics, which are just questions that I make up.

10pm

Well, tonight was eventful. We went to a meeting in Galeton, and when we were getting out of the van, Jolene saw a man who beat the pulp out of her a few years ago. Like–her face got reconstructed, and the store she was beat up in got sued because they didn’t call 911. It was bad, and seeing him traumatized her a lot. So she started crying and shaking in the meeting, and we ended up leaving after a few minutes. It gets bigger though–she had to call the police when we got back the the Center because she has a standing PFA against him, and he’s not allowed within five miles of her. Also, she thinks Feliz told him about the meeting and where we would be, which is a huge confidentiality breach. I guess Feliz and him are friends or something (??!!). Jolene cried and shook almost the entire way back from Galeton. 

Now Jolene just came in and said that the PFA she had is expired. That’s what the police told her. 

My God.

She should be able to get him for fucking stalking. What a monster.

Then when we got back, Brenda was crying because she misses her kids, and Tori and Sugar Momma both said that they were having hallucinations today because their Bipolar Disorder is acting up. Holy crap!

What a day. 

I’m going to bed.

May 20th, 2018

Sunday

Day 321

12pm

I feel pretty good today–no headache! I’m super glad about that. Tori seems better today. Sugar Momma is still complaining of hallucinations, and is practicing grounding techniques. There is a horrible movie on with blood and gore and car wrecks and death. It makes me feel bad for Gert, who is watching. She lost her husband in a car wreck.

1pm

I can’t wait for visits. Now we’re doing meal planning and inventory. Sandra spouted to me today, “I don’t care if you hate me!” I’m not sure where that came from. I don’t hate her, but I might be beginning to. So much for trying to talk to her nicely. 

Tiger came today for two hours–I got out my makeup and some books, and Sugar Momma gave me three dollars for the vending machines, so the kids will be happy. Sometimes it’s hard to entertain them for two hours.

8pm

We’re having a fake in-house meeting of NA. Visiting with the kids was good. All the women are talking about is how sex-deprived they are. 

9pm

Snack time.

I didn’t eat dinner, and I’m not eating sugar-free gross Jell-o. During meditation, Grammy was super pissed and I touched her arm, and she yelled, “DON’T TOUCH ME!!!” I thought she was going to hit me! Maybe I’ll change her name back to Old Toothless. Or Grumpy Old Toothless. Oh, nevermind–she came out and apologized.