Love, Justine

MUNCY STATE PRISON

February 11th, 2025

Tuesday

11:04am

So, I basically told Zuko that I loved her, and she replied, “I really like you.” Ugh. 

So now that’s out there. Now I feel like she just wants to fuck me, just like every other guy I’ve ever been with.

Fuck.

Now I kind of don’t want to hang out with her. I’m low-key disgusted with myself for putting myself out there to that degree–with someone who just wants to be my “makeout buddy.” Then again, yesterday she fucking said that we’ve been “together” for a week. Like–what are you talking about, miss?? I’m so fucking confused. Like–I’m basically cheating on Motorcycle with her, and I thought that this meant something, but it turns out she’s just playing with me.

Is it unfair that I expected more from a woman??

Fuck.

February 12th, 2025

Wednesday

Zuko wrote me: 

My Sprout, 

“I tell you all the time: Heaven is a place on Earth with you. Tell me all the things you wanna do. I heard that you like the bad girls. Honey, is that true? 🙂 It’s better than I ever knew. They say that the world was built for two. Only worth living if somebody is loving you…and Baby now you do.” –Video Games by Lana Del Ray

I’m sorry I’m off today. I’m kinda sleepy cuz I was up late and didn’t take my meds and I’ve got some stuff on my mind too. I’m just in my head, sorry. Thank you for being patient with me, and thanks for hugs. There’s no place I’d rather be than in our arms. You’re calm and comforting, and you make me feel safe. *exhale* Thank you. 🙂

Hi. 🙂I’m back. It’s Tuesday now lol. There was that whole anal sex/naked Momma Bear/guys cum situation last night when I was trying to swap my twat cotton (quote me! 🙂), so I was not in the right head space to write you and we had our meeting and chill time anyway. My favorite time is 9:27pm. 🙂Holy fuck, you’re so sexy. Mmmmm. I love the way you kiss me…Okay, I need to stop daydreaming about you and write you. That’s part of the reason it takes me so long. Lol. Sorry. Thanks for being my Superbowl date, I had a nice time with you. 🙂I wish we could’ve “Lady and the Tramp’ed” the popcorn, but there’s rules against that kinda shit. 😛 Maybe we can try it with my victory honey bun from prop bets. Lol. 🙂Honestly, I’ll take any excuse to be close to you and touch and kiss you. I want more of you in my life. You make everything better…even dumb fuckin prison. You’re very important to me. I gotta make dinner before I get hungry. 🙂I’ll be back. 

Okay, I’m back. 🙂I ran into you briefly. 🙂You’re my favorite dessert. Mmmm. More please. 

Anyway! (NOT daydreaming about you again…maybe a lil. 🙂) I enjoyed our Skyscraper date today. I love joking around with you. 🙂That movie was so stupid, lol. I also enjoyed our “rehearsal dinner.” I just decided we’re vampires since we’re immortal and suck on each other’s neck, lol. Yup. So you’re my immortal vampire wife now. It happened. 🙂You’re welcome. 😛

Thanks for sharing your 1/22 journal with me. Our first kiss was 1/24/25 🙂I’m glad you were brave and said yes. I am glad we were both brave about all this. I really like how our friendship has evolved. I love spending time with you, no matter what we’re doing. Thanks for taking a chance on me. 🙂I gotta get ready for meds. I’m gonna give this to you so it doesn’t end up being Wednesday lol. I miss you. *frumps about all your bf’s taking up your time with me.* 😛I hope we get a good night kiss. Sweet dreams.

9pm

Today I stayed in bed most of the day. I just wasn’t feelin’ it. Then Zuko said something about me sleeping with Motorcycle when I get out of here and I nearly lost my shit. Like–DO YOU CARE ABOUT ME OR NOT??

I asked her why on Earth it would bother her if I slept with other people, considering that we’re only “makeout buddies.” She said, “Owch” and asked what she was doing wrong. I told her that she could tell me she cared about me, and that I’m not used to being the one who is in the position of feeling like I care more about a person than they care about me, but now I am, and it basically sucks. She said, “So you’re saying you’re in love with me.” I said, “Yes.” Then she said, “I was going to tell you I loved you last night, but I didn’t want things to be weird. I do love you.”

Then we talked about it and it’s better now, but damn. I feel like that conversation nearly killed me. I’m very relieved that it’s over. This vulnerability shit is no joke. It’s hard. I said we both need to be braver. She said okay. 

Phew. 

*Exhale*

Zuko wrote me:

My Sprout, 

Thank you for telling me how you were feeling. I’m really sorry I didn’t do a better job showing you how important you are to me. Yes, I do enjoy kissing and touching you, and I’d like to do more with you, but you’re WAY more to me than that. You aren’t and never will be just a fuck buddy to me. I’m sorry for not being brave or honest with you sooner. I love you. A lot. I didn’t wanna fuck up our friendship. Sorry. This isn’t how I ever started a relationship before, so I’m kinda fuckin’ shit up. Plus shit’s confusing because of your outside relationships. I’ll do better with communicating and being brave. Our time together means the world to me and I miss you when we’re apart. You make me happy. You make life better. I’m grateful for every moment I get to be with you. I am in love with you Justine, and I’m gonna do everything possible to show you that every day, so you never wonder what I’m feeling ever again. I love you. 

Love, 

Me (insert cute pet name TBD)

Wow. 

Okay. 

I feel better.

This is something I found from a class I had to take in prison, where we had to watch a movie and then write our reaction to it:

10/11/24

Reaction to movie:

It’s hard to watch her shoot up without wanting to shoot up myself. When she lays down and closes her eyes afterward, I can imagine exactly how that feels: exquisite relief. Relief from the constant pain. For a few minutes, bliss for no reason. 

It’s hard for me to understand why we have to watch this–the shooting up and then the endless funeral montage. Anyone who knows anything knows that death is no deterrent. If it was, no one would use. We all know we might die. She keeps repeating that the drug is stronger than love. 

She might be right.

Next: 

Quotes from Recovery Boys

11/8/24

“I didn’t know people lived life sober.”
“I’m just lost. I don’t know what to do.”

“Happy tears. That’s a new one.”

“I thought love didn’t exist.”

About life– “It wasn’t fun. It was a fuckin’ chore.”

“I don’t know a sober person back home.”

“It’s been a long road man…[cries]…I didn’t know what a friend was.”

Next:

My reaction to Muncy TED Talks

11/25/24

Monday

“Your mistakes don’t have to define you,” and all of that is fine and good on its face, but none of those women have actually been to prison. Being an ex-con DOES define you forever, and that’s just reality. In the job market, whether you can go to college or do certain progressions, in custody cases, even in getting housing in the future. We, in REALITY, have many less opportunities now than we did before. Do you think I’M going to be appointed by the governor and living my best life if I “make good choices” in the future?

That’s just bullshit. 

What nobody’s addressing is that mass incarceration is real, and that the system is rigged for recidivism. What nobody is saying is that what brings most women to prison is addiction, trauma, and mental illness, and THOSE AREN’T CHOICES.