Love, Justine

WOMEN’S CENTER

May 22nd, 2018

Day 323

12:30am

“Perspective is a giver. Comparison takes. Perspective is generous. Comparison pares down the loveliness of your life until it appears a thin shred of its former glory. Perspective carries us through life laughing. Comparison evokes cursing and frowns and grumbling.”

“Being paralyzed with fear and sadness, being rendered useless because of bitterness, only marks a victory for the enemy of my soul.”

8am

Mr. Big is already annoying people and it’s only 8am. He just told Sugar Momma, who is a bit overweight, that she could only have one serving of food per meal. 

That went over well.

Judgy much, Mr. Big?

Off to grocery shopping. Back to my book:

“If I believe Jesus is Bread of Life, the Beginning and the End, if I believe Jesus adorned himself in humanity, lived a humble life, and was scorned, tortured, and crucified to make atonement for me, will I not love him with all I’ve got?”

“Bloom Where You’re Planted.”

“Shall I not honor God and enjoy all of his gifts even if some are only given for a short while?”

11am

“The Bible defines faith as the ‘confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see’ (Heb. 11.2).”

“Faith is the love not we give to God.”

“I have come to the conclusion that it does not glorify God to wallow in despondency like a pig in mud.”

“How does one go through the motions of life when death has swept through your world? It was like trying to speak, but emitting barely a squeak; trying to walk, but wading through quicksand; trying to breathe, but choking on life.”

“Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?” (Job 2:10)

“It was time to walk in everything God had destined for us, and to do it with guts.”

“And because Satan the accuser is defeated by the blood of the Lamb and the work of our testimonies (Rev. 122:11), I will offer mine.”

What she says about the night that her daughter died:

“In our bedroom in the deep of the night we held her reed-thin body, never wanting to let go. We pulled out all the horrid tubes and wrapped her in her favorite soft blanket. We covered her little bald head and wept and kissed her face over and over. Then, as we fell to our knees and worshipped God–who had given her to us and to whom she had gone–we felt the presence of angels and knew we were not alone.

I never want to do that again.”

That is profound.

I know the feeling, though–about the angels. When Ethan died, I remember leaving my apartment and walking around the block, thanking God that Ethan was not suffering any more, and there was an unseasonable warmth to the early April day, and I was so compelled to leave the House of Death that I hadn’t even bothered to put on shoes. Somehow, I knew that my family wouldn’t understand my gratitude to God, and that the oppressive weight of grief would consume me when I went back to the house, and so I stayed gone as long as I felt that I could.

2pm

Now I’m watching a video Big suggested aby a named Nicholas Vujicic who has no arms or legs. He tried to commit suicide at age 10 because he was bullied in school.

“When you don’t get a miracle, you can still BE a miracle.”

This guy talks about when God sees him when he gets to Heaven and asks him who he brings with him, how many souls.

Pretty inspiring.

Now we have to go to Parenting class. We’re talking about temperament today–how people respond to an experience. We are born with a temperament, but it is also affected by environment.

7:30pm

Oh, I had a GREAT evening! I got to plant tomatoes and peppers while 2dinner was being prepared, and I taught Tori about intestinal parasites because she wants to learn how to be a Vet Tech (which made me feel awesome–I love teaching!), and then Kat let us pick lilacs from across the street to put in our rooms! 

It was fantastic.

Now, instead of a meeting we get to watch more of Nick Vujicic speaking. I thought it would be awful to stay here all day, but it wasn’t!

Huh.

Oh oh–Jo won’t get out of bed. I tried and tried and tried to talk to her, but it was Grammy who finally got her to come out. 

Now Nick Vujicic speaking to a prison:

“God loves you, and yes, He has a plan…

There is hope beyond what you see…GOD DOES MIRACLES…everything I’m telling you is true…[we] are citizens of Heaven passing through…we are meant to be eternal creatures…your soul needs restoring, peace, and rest…to believe in something that you can’t see is crazy…it’s called faith…the truth will set you free…beautiful things can come from your broken pieces, when you give your broken pieces a chance…I have joy, I have truth, and I am free…I know what you need–truth, hope…you have an enemy…his name is Satan…he made you do what you did…we take responsibility for our actions…do not let Satan win…repentance is you don’t want to live in sin anymore…hate is a sin…the greatest way not to live in temptation is to not live in sin anymore…the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob…nothing ever separates you from the love of God…I want to be free and complete…thank you for making me believe that this place called Heaven is real…sin brings death…but God sent His Son Jesus who has no sin…start in the book of John…read that book three times over…tell your brothers with conviction, “NEVER GIVE UP ON GOD!”

“Life is worth living when you have purpose.”

Oh my. I yelled at Sandra finally. I have HAD it with her attitude and control issues!

10:30pm

Okay, so I apologized to Sandra for yelling at her, but I meant what I said–which was basically, “You have to follow the rules! Staff are staff and residents are residents!! YOU DON’T MAKE THE RULES!!” She just yelled delusional bullshit back to me about how her husband was going to call Candy Flotsam (the local DA) and get her out of here by tomorrow. She just got on my last nerve today when she said that she didn’t need to go to parenting classes because, “I KNOW how to take care of my kids!!”

Well.

That was the last straw for me. DON’T insinuate that I am a bad mother, because I take that shit seriously, and it took every last piece of my emotional strength not to scream, “Bitch I PROMISE you that I am a better mother than you!!!!”

She is currently in her room tearing up her write-up for trying to run meditation group by herself and on her own schedule, while yelling that she wants her money from the safe and that she’s leaving. 

MmmHM.

I’d like to see that, Missus Mouth. If you were gonna go, you woulda already been gone, and that’s a fact.

Back to my book, “And Still She Laughs.”

Roman’s 8:35, 38-39

Paul– “Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? … I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow–not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the Earth below–indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”