Women’s Center
Day 69
September 11th, 2017
Monday
Off to my therapy appointment with Fred the Driver. My chest hurts today–I don’t know if I’m sick or stressed. Probably both. I’ve filled up two journals so far and have started on my third today. It seems fitting that Ethan’s birthday would end one–the beginning of a new chapter hopefully. I remember when I was pregnant, I was afraid he would be born on 9/11 and it would be a harbinger of bad luck. Ha! I gotta stop being so superstitious and probably just trust in God, like every other happy person on Earth. They just seem to think that every good thing is God’s doing, and then when bad things happen, God helps them through. Blind faith, they call it, and it works for millions.
Huh.
Reading my grief book–I went through this too when Ethan died, and this is why I wrote Kidowed.
“Enid – When it was gone, it wasn’t like I could go back to the outside world and say, I am still his mother.”
To the outside world I am a single woman with no children. It’s hard to come to grips with. I wish there could be a stamp for it like widow or widower, some way I could identify to people when they say, “Do you have any children?” You could say I am a __________! Bereaved is the only word I can come up with.
Just as alcoholics are said to never be cured, a present is never “cured”” of grief–that parent will never be a “former” bereaved parent, that parent will forevermore be a recovering bereaved parent.”
Fred likes Christian music. Geezoman. He’s a really noisy breather too. Can you really jam to Christian music? It all sounds the same to me. Maybe it’s uplifting to him. I’m being immersed in God stuff.
Hope I don’t drown.
“Studies have shown that children, regardless of age, are able to survive a tragic loss, even multiple losses, if they are cherished and secure afterward.”
Huh.
Maybe my children will be okay after all.
“I measure each grief I meet
With analytic eyes;
I wonder it if weighs like mine,
Or has an easier size.
I wonder if it hurts to live,
Or if they have to try,
And whether, could they choose between,
They would rather not die.
–Emily Dickinson
“In sudden, unexpected death, the parents drop into the pit of extreme despair. Shock, extreme confusion, and disorganization often occur. The world as they knew it disappears in a violent explosion. Their sense of control is assaulted. Life is no longer predictable and sensible.”
“The time of dying is exhausting in every way. When death comes, often there is a small sense of relief. That fleeting feeling passes and the long bout with grief begins.”
Fred’s advice:
- Start with the Book of John. The first chapter may be hard, but read it.
- “Jesus empowers you to live the life that you want to.”
- “Every eye will see him when returns.”
- Jesus, I’m sorry for what I’ve done, please forgive me, and please come into my life.”
- Don’t live for yourself.
- Jesus is first.
- Others are second.
- You are next.
- Teach this to your children by example.
Fred says that without Jesus Christ in his life, the song, “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction” was a revelation at a truck stop for him.
About September 11th, Fred was driving truck when the planes hit. They closed the border so he couldn’t go to Canada.
John 14 vs 6 “I am the way, the truth, and the life.”’
I’ve accepted Ethan’s death over and over and over again, Ethan’s death. I’m exhausted of being angry.
7:30 (Half of page missing)
My kids are not coming today. They are going to my step-brother Will’s house for his son’s birthday party. They’re step-cousins, if you will. Will molested me and my sister for a good six years growing up. So all three of my children are going to a child molester’s house instead of coming to see their mother. Nice. I guess my parents want to go back to court too.
10:30pm
“I am always ready to learn, but I do NOT always like being taught.”
–Winston Churchill
I dreaded that first robin so,
But he is mastered now,
And I’m accustomed to him grown,
He hurts a little, though.
–Emily Dickinson
From my book:
“The shadows do begin to lighten ever so slowly, almost imperceptibly, over time; but the landscape has changed.”
6pm
Gawd. Now we’re discussing the resident that committed suicide over at Mountain Laurel. He was about 10 years older than me, rumored to have a wife and two kids at home. Shame. Everybody’s going around saying, “There’s nothing we could do…at least he’s not suffering anymore…”
What is THAT bullshit?!! Of course you can help people who are suffering and contemplating suicide! It’s not just a bomb that goes off! People don’t commit suicide in a vaccuum! They usually suffer for a long time before, and might be able to be helped. Otherwise there would be no suicide prevention programs–duh!
Anyway, we’re talking about resentments. You know who I’m resentful at today? Fucking Brash. He won’t keep his tiny dick out of my business and my name out of his mouth. He’s fucking shit-talking me all over town, and HE’S the one who made the phone call to probation that I was using! I’VE never done anything to that little boy! He’s probably just mad that I wouldn’t fuck him. Dweeb. Hope he got Hep C tested because he was sharing needles with Ike to shoot up his fucking Wellbutrin pills so he could get high while on drug court. God, this woman is so full of herself. I should be listening.
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