Love, Justine

Muncy State Prison

June 15th, 2024

Saturday

6:32am

Nikolai is here. I saw her in the Chow Hall.

June 17th, 2024

Monday

5pm

Court was cancelled.

June 18th, 2024

Tuesday

It is 100 degrees outside. 

Dismal.

Swiper, the new-ish roommate who is known for being a thief (and that’s why she’s here) got into a fight with Daisy, Cinnamon, and Morocco about some e-cigarettes.
Predictable.

Every cell she’s been in has accused her of stealing. I don’t have a lock for my locker and she already owes me a bag of coffee. 

Ugh. 

Now this room is tense and awkward like it was when Burgundy was here.

June 19th, 2024

Wednesday

Juneteenth

3pm

Tabby wrote me:

Justine, 

This stationery was given to me by my grandmother decades ago. She and I would exchange letters from the time I could read and write. She lived in Montana and I lived (still do) in western Washington. In those days calling long-distance was not an option as it was far too costly. I adored my grandma and she adored me. I was in my 50’s when she died-so lucky, so very lucky. I think about her all the time, especially when I bake bread, as she taught me how when I was about 12 years old. For years I would call her (as an adult I could bear the expense) every time I baked bread.

Anyway, this stationery is so very precious to me so I use it very judiciously. When it is gone–that’s it. She can never replace it for me.

I tell you all of this to let you know how much I think of you–I believe in you–you matter to me.

I was pleased to get your letter even as I realized how deeply unhappy and defeated you are feeling. I can well understand that. Vent to me as much as you need to do so. You need an outlet and venting in a letter is one effective way to provide yourself that outlet. It is not the only way, of course. But it is safe–it will not get you into trouble. It is not self-sabotaging. Hard as I believe it is, you must do everything possible to avoid anything that ends in trouble for you and therefore makes your time even harder. Easy for me to say, I know–but things are hard enough as they are. Anyway, enough of that–I did not write you with the intention of lecturing you. 

In terms of how expensive everything is in prison and how little they actually provide–I already did know that all of this is substandard and inhumane. And there is not a uniform practice either. Some places do a little better, some a little worse, and all of them not nearly good enough. I will do my best to help you from time to time. I am retired and on a fixed income. I am not poor–but I do have to be careful. Fortunately, I don’t have fancy or expensive taste, and since I don’t work, I live on perpetual vacation! That is good enough for me. 

I will help as I am able and am happy to do whatever I can. Naturally, I wish I could do more–a lot more–but I will do what I can.

May 11, 2024

I start most mornings at my sister’s house. She has Stage IV terminal cancer and is currently enrolled in a Stage 1 clinical trial. She is 10.5 months older than I am and has been “my person” since I was born. I am terrified of losing her. Folks tell you to “prepare” yourself. How on Earth can a person even do that??? They can’t. It is hard to describe how in limbo we all live–never knowing what is coming at her and if we can help her survive it. She has already significantly lived beyond the average prognosis and expectancy for her very rare and aggressive type of cancer, which means that we all entered the land of the unknown about a year ago. It has not been smooth sailing by any means either. Last year at this time she was actively dying. How we managed to save her is a long and complicated story–but it was her husband, best friend, and me who figured it out! Fred Hutchinson Cancer Center with world renowned oncologists and WE had to figure it out! Can you believe that? I am often caught up into a lot of caregiving and appointments–and sometimes that results in my very limited availability. If I ever seem unresponsive, that will be why. There are weeks when it is all hands on deck 24/7. It is usually very unpredictable as to when that may happen too.

So now you know something about my life. Also, my mother died 11/8/22. It was about one month after my sister’s cancer was determined terminal. If there was anything good in all of this it is that my mother didn’t have to watch my sister’s illness and live with the fear of losing her eldest child. They were very close. My was wonderful to all of us–I have a younger brother as well–but she and my sister were particularly close. I am forever saddened that my sister is going through this without my mother’s love and support even as we are all relieved that she does not have to go through any of this. But the loss for us? It is immeasurable and always present.

May 17, 2024

Well I no sooner finished the above when we entered an all hands on deck situation. My sister developed uncontrollable nausea and a full body rash from her clinical trial meds. Phase I trials are brutal as they are the first introduction to patients and are designed to measure toxicity. They are determining if humans can tolerate the medication and if so, can they tolerate a therapeutic amount.

Truly guinea pig territory. But as of right now there are no other effective options. She and I spent the day at Fred Hutch trying to get her comfortable. It is demoralizing. 

In any event your letter (2nd letter!) was in my mailbox when I got home at 5:30pm today. Truly a happy surprise, but now you are one letter ahead of me–so this long-ass letter will just have to count as two letters!

I enjoyed reading your blog stories. I had just come to the conclusion that I would have liked more stories about your experiences and life in prison when I got your remark that Motorcycle told you the same thing! It made me think that, given we were both thinking the same thing, that perhaps we were on the right track. Again, I would also encourage you to resume your interviews. Of all the things you have written, I find the women’s stories to be the most compelling and interesting. Your own story is compelling and interesting–enough that you wrote TWO books. 

6/2/24

I am going to have to just get this into the mail or you are never going to get it. As of today my sister is home and I am with her. They have reduced her dosage and did finally get that burning rash under control. It has been so miserable. I am hoping that things stay a bit calm for a while. There was more I wanted to write about but that will have to be saved for the next letter. You had mentioned that you would try to call me at some point and I hope you were able to get that arranged. Please call anything as I would like to talk to you. I am eager to get an update on your legal issues too. I could talk to Motorcycle but I really much prefer to get information directly from you. So please call or write again and let me know how things are. I will try to be a better correspondent in the future. I know I have been disappointingly terrible.

XOXO

Tabby