Love, Justine

MUNCY STATE PRISON

December 4th, 2024

YouTube video–Chester Bennington, In His Own Words

Singer of Linkin Park who committed suicide

“I am such a failure at everything.”

“We’re counting our blessings every night.”

“I focus on very specific problems.”

–Committed suicide shortly after Podcast

“I secluded myself from people.”

“I didn’t know who I was.”

“I needed to reevaluate how I wanted to live my life.”

“Music was the one thing I consistently enjoyed about life.”

“I tend to have a hard time with life on life’s terms.”

“I’m uncomfortable in all scenarios.”

“[My head] is a bad neighborhood for me.”

“At the beginning, I was like, ‘fuck the world,’…now I have more peace.”

Struggling to be his own individual person. His authentic self.

“I hate the world.”

“Fuck the world.”

“Fuck 2015.”

“Perspective is everything. It’s the difference between going through an ordeal and going through an adventure.”

“I wasn’t taking care of myself and I felt bad all of the time.”

Song: Heavy

“He didn’t break his leg, he broke his spirit.”

“Most of my suffering is from what happens inside my head.”

“Life is tough, I’m kind of broken. I don’t have all the answers.”

“Every year of my life has been a rough year.”

“Why is everything so heavy? So much more than I can carry.”

Songs:

Heavy

One More Light

Battle Symphony

Opinion on “It’s a Disease!”

Everyone knows addiction is a disease. This article is outdated. This article doesn’t address addiction treatment at all or even the root causes of addiction. It only talks about the brain damage that addiction causes. Nobody cares about that when they’re getting high. They’re trying to numb the trauma symptoms/nightmares/panic attacks/mental illness symptoms, etc., that made them want to use in the first place. Nobody cares about their cortex or limbic system or axons or dendrites when they’re sticking needles into their arms or drinking themselves into oblivion to numb the pain.

Opinion on Chester Bennington Documentary

It is clear in the film by what Bennington says that he struggles with depression, but he doesn’t say anything about addiction. He mentions trauma in his childhood, but doesn’t say what it is. He says things like, “I was a mess. I was surviving,” “I’m uncomfortable in all scenarios,” “Fuck the world,” and “Every year of my life has been a rough year.” He also talks about struggling to be his authentic self and an individual person. The mental health problems are clear, but I fail to see what this documentary/montage of interviews has to do with addiction treatment. 

Drugs are never mentioned, and he died by suicide.

February 13th, 2025

Thursday

11am

I wrote Zuko:

Thank you for writing me and for telling me how you feel. You mean the world to me, and I’m glad we’re on the same page. I don’t want to fuck up our friendship either, but I don’t think that’s what’s happening. Stop catastrophizing. That shit’s just not going to happen with me. If it ended today, I would still cherish our friendship. I love you. I think you’re fantastic. I was cleaning in the bathroom today, and Chucky said out of nowhere, “I’m on your side. I’ve never seen Zuko HAPPY before.” 

This isn’t how I ever started a relationship either (obviously), but I like where it’s going.

On the way to Commissary, Tyson passed our group and said hi to everyone individually except me. 

Ugh. 

Daisy mentioned it later and then said, “Well, would YOU talk to you at this point?” I was like, “I didn’t do anything to that bitch!”

Whatever. 

It upsets me that Daisy is being such an asshole about this. But there’s nothing I can do about that. I miss you and I hope to see you soon. The Spice Girls are on the radio. I’ll spare you the lyrics lol.

February 14th, 2025

Friday

Valentine’s Day

I wrote Zuko:

Happy Valentine’s Day. I love your gift, that was very thoughtful and beautiful. You’re a talented artist. You’re talented at a lot of things, it turns out. I loved this morning, I only wish we had more time. I don’t want to be nervous and rushed with you. I want to kiss you all over. I want to please you, too, but I don’t know what you like. I want to find out. You’re so fucking sexy, I can’t stand it. I keep running it over and over in my head. 

Sexy, sexy. 

I want more time with you. All the time. I didn’t want more coffee because I’m still shaky. Thank you for offering. I feel fantastic, by the way, so thank you. I love you. Hopefully we can spend more time together later. 

For Valentine’s Day, Zuko drew me a Calla lilly and wrote on the back, “Like a symbol of rebirth and renewal, Calla lilies remind us to embrace change and new beginnings…”

4:34pm

Motorcycle visited. It did not go well. He spent the entire visit talking about his ex-wife and how “she didn’t know who she was playing with” when she divorced him. I got the distinct feeling that he was gaslighting and also threatening me. He told me he would dump all my shit in the lawn when I offered to have my parents pick it up, and when he left, he said, “I’ll leave now so you can go back to your girlfriend.”

Jesus Christ.

February 15th, 2025

Saturday

12:55pm

I didn’t go to lunch because it was fish, so I was in the bathroom giving Zuko a back massage because she’s sore today, and Martha was in there taking a shower. When Martha and I got back to the cell, she said, “Jess, let me know when you’re not going to lunch so I can put my shower at a different time. I don’t want an audience.”

Like–we’re not fucking looking at YOU, Miss!! Is this what it’s like to be discriminated against for being gay?? Literally 50 people share that bathroom! And this coming from the woman who shows her big fake tits to people on command for fun!! 

What in the actual fuck?!!

Anyway, Stryder messaged me and told me that he drove by Motorcycle’s house and my shit wasn’t in the yard. That’s good anyway. Zuko and I had sex in the shower yesterday morning. I didn’t really do much to her, which I feel badly about, but she touched me. It was heavenly. It turns me on that she gets so turned on by me. She has a gorgeous body, and some really beautiful tattoos. Her friend was a lookout for us, and saw me get into her shower. She told Zuko that I have a hot body. I appreciated that. Zuko didn’t say anything about it really, afterward, or about me. 

Common Room time.

Zuko wrote me: 

“I can taste you on my lips and smell you in my clothes.”

“The Universe must have divined this. Ladies first, Baby, I insist.”

Hey Beautiful, 

I’m quite sore today, as expected. And I don’t mean tiny clusters of car crash, I mean haven’t used those muscles in years sore from sex 🙂

Worth it.

Apparently I was standing weird and was also holding you up more than I thought. *flex* 🙂Yesterday was great, except for that middle part with that limpdick psycho.

Congratulations on making it past the potted plant level, I knew you had it in you 😛 You feel amazing. I can’t wait til we have a nice big bed and plenty of time to ourselves. Standing in a metal box is not ideal. Still sexy tho, cuz you were there with me 🙂It felt so fucking good to have your beatiful body against mine. A little piece of Heaven in this hell. 🙂You’re sexy AF and I can’t get enough of you. I need more. I love when you kiss me on my neck and ear and face. Everywhere. I love your lips on mine. You feel so fucking good…I’m not getting much writing done cuz I’m busy thinking about you. Now you interrupted me in person, which I enjoyed 🙂. Thank you for the massage, Babe, I really appreciate it. 

I love feeling your hands on me. I love any physical contact with you. I’m very affectionate, and I’d be all over you all of the time if I could. I’d love to be able to hold your hand, or come up behind you and wrap my arms around your waist and kiss your cheek and neck. Gotta get your ramen (hair) outta my way quick first tho. 😛

I love when you kiss and touch me.

I don’t like feeling rushed and nervous with you either. I’d much rather take our time kissing and exploring each other. I don’t want you to ever feel pressured to do anything you’re not comfortable with when we’re together, okay?

Take your time, I’m patient. 

And I love you 🙂A lot. ♥️ Doing anything here is tricky cuz we have to be quiet, which sucks. I’d love to hear you. This is sexy too tho, cuz I really have to focus on your body…your breath, your movements, the look on your face. 🙂

Okay, I gotta get ready. This stupid dickhead is here all night, so rules 🙁

I love you 🙂

You’re beautiful and sexy and I just adore you. ♥️

I wrote Zuko back: 

Zuko, 

“I’m thinkin’ bout

How people fall in love in mysterious ways…

I’m thinkin’ out loud…

Baby, we found love right where we are…

You have a gorgeous body, and some really beautiful tattoos. I loved yesterday with you. It was fun and sexy. However, I would prefer a big bed too, and lots of time. I’m sorry you’re so sore. 

That sucks.

I couldn’t stop thinking about you while Motorcycle was droning on and on about his ex-wife. 

I love your body up against mine. I’m glad you like it when I kiss your neck and ear and face because I’m going to keep doing it as long as you’ll let me. 

I love kissing you.

I want to kiss you everywhere.

You feel so good.

I wish I didn’t have to be quiet too. Then I could focus more on you and less on making no noise. It was hard to do. You felt amazing. 

I feel like I’m saying the same things over and over again, probably because I’ve been running it through my head over and over again….mmmmmmmmmm so good.

And nice lol.

I wish we could be affectionate with each other when we wanted to.

Fucking prison.

*sigh*

Oh well.

If this is the only way I can have you, then I’ll take it.

I love you, and I can’t wait to see you again.

Love, 

Justine