Love, Justine

Women’s Center

October 3rd, 2017

Day 91

Tuesday

Song: 

“There’s hope that’s waiting for you in the dark, 

You should know you’re beautiful just the way you are.”

8am

On my way to court. Mr. Big said I looked like the Terminator this morning after he asked me why I was dressed up. Hopefully I’ll have strength in this hearing. When I lose my faith in myself, I do badly in court. Crash, a couple other women, and I prayed this morning that it would go well.

11:30am

Crash left today. She gave me her number so I can keep in touch. The judge decided Lilly can come for two hours every other weekend. Well, the first, third, and 5th weekends of the month. On Sunday. I can’t believe that Dubya would rather pay and attorney $200/hr to figure these things out than speak with me like a reasonable human being.

Gawd.

Avril Levigne is screeching, “Why do you have to make things so complicated,” on the radio.

That’s how I feel.

October 5th, 2017

Day 93

Thursday

10am

This day is so boring. Chantilly, Tex, and I are sitting in the lounge working on “goals.” I’m plucking my eyebrows, Chantilly is scrapbooking, and Tex is cracking jokes. I’m beginning to really like her. She has a two-year old, and she’s a really good mom. We were helping Mr. Bob the Builder, the maintenance man, clean out his shed the other day for Community Service, and she’s super funny. She’s like a citi-fied version of a country girl. She’s so funny–she’s sort of comfortable in any situation–when getting in the truck, she used my leg as an anchor to hoist herself up, without even asking. It’s the kind of weird thing people do that creates a camaraderie between them.

“Do stuff. Be clenched, curious. Not waiting for inspiration’s shove of society’s kiss on your forehead.”

–Susan Sontag

“The reason for living is to get ready to stay dead for a long time.”

–American Horror Story

3pm

On my way back from individual “therapy” at Crossroads, the drug and alcohol place. It’s not so much therapy as it is some guy asking me random questions about my life. Maybe he’s trying to get to know me. Anywho, let’s see what my grief book has to say today:

“…one of the enduring changes that parents find in themselves is a sense that the purity and luster of life have been tarnished.”

October 9th, 2017

Day 97

Indigenous People’s Day

Monday

I haven’t felt like writing much. Been depressed. I had a new driver today who took me all the way to Smethport and back only to find out that I didn’t have an appointment. I told them that at the Center when the driver showed up, but no bother.

I got to walk around Smethport a bit in the rain and pretend I was a normal person. It was nice. Then on the way back I asked the new driver if he believed in God, which is a new habit of mine. It makes for good conversation anyway, and I’m interested in other people’s experiences with God, spirituality, and religion. He was a believer, and spoke to me for a while about how he was faithful and went to church. Then we talked about me for a bit, and why I was in the Women’s Center, and what happened to me in the first place that I started doing drugs at all. He told me that when I had walked up to the van, he had thought to himself, “She’s young and beautiful. Why is she in a place like this?” 

I’m not sure why youth and good looks would except someone from drug addiction or brushes with the law, but that’s another story, I guess. He told me I needed to start small and build a new life. He was nice.

I have some weird bump on my toe. It doesn’t hurt, but I wonder what it is. Maybe I’m just getting old and lumpy. It reminds me of Big John, who had a bump on his finger that he lovingly referred to as his “bimp” if anybody asked about it. It was funny. “Oh, that’s my bimp!” He would say, as if a bimp is a thing everybody had. 

Another funny thing–at the meeting tonight, someone was talking about having “drunk dreams,” and wanted advice. Some people could relate, and when one person started talking about it, she mistakenly said “wet dreams” instead of “drunk dreams.” It was really funny because she didn’t catch it for a minute, and when she did, we all laughed uproariously.

October 10th, 2017

Tuesday

Day 98

On my way to Pittsburgh to meet with a new rheumatologist. They’ll probably just give me a PA and do a bunch of bloodwork. My driver is chatty, but I don’t feel like talking today. Just not in the mood. I miss Pittsburgh something fierce. I never had to worry about not having a job, never worried about money, always had a car and a place of my own…life was good.

I found a daily Bible reading in my purse, so we’ll see what that has to say for today: “We need to keep our focus on Jesus and His Word, or we will slip off the narrow way and fall onto to broad way.”

I was talking to Fred the Driver the other day about that woman who came and prayed for my teeth not to hurt at the dentist’s office, and his response was, “Maybe she’s an angel.”

Nice.

Welp, had my appointment. They’re going to start me on Plaquenil again. That should help with the pain. I can’t believe how much I miss Pittsburgh. I feel a profound sense of sadness now that we’re leaving. I spent the best years of my life here. I wish so badly that I had never left.

Anyway, I’d better stop wallowing–it’ll just make my depression worse. Maybe I’’ll go back to Pittsburgh. It always seemed full of possibilities, and it still feels that way. We’ll see. Seems like I’d need a car first. 

Tori and I started working out yesterday. I always feel like one of those memes that says, “What you think you look like when you work out” –and has this gorgeous skinny woman running gracefully through a meadow with perfect hair and makeup, and then there’s “what you really look like when you work out,” and there’s a fat, dumpy lady in a sweaty T-shirt with her hair a mess and makeup running down her face…Yeah, I’m that one for sure.

My next appointment is on Big John’s birthday, which is 1/23. He was born in 1945, so when people would ask his birthday, he would shout, “12345!” and then see how long it took them to catch on. 

Yay! This driver bought me Sheetz food! I haven’t had a veggie wrap in months!

Well, I better ask this guy if he believes in God. Nothing else to talk about. Yes, believes in God. No, doesn’t go to church. Yes to Heaven, no to Hell. His wife is Jewish. Wants religion to be more accepting. He thinks Jesus Christ would be appalled at Christianity in America today. “Religion aside, I think you’re either a nice person or you’re not,” he says. He thinks missionary work is odd. He misses the connection of church but can’t find one he connects with.

He adopted both of his kids from Guatemala! Cool!

There was a shooting in Coudersport a couple of weeks ago. Guy shot his girlfriend and then shot himself. 

Horrible.

It smells like Fall. It’s wonderful. I wonder if there’s a connection between Asperger’s and Tourette’s Syndrome. The driver is saying, “You don’t appreciate how much attention and love kids need…to feel important, how totally critical that is.”

He’s got that one right.

There isn’t enough love in the world.

October 11th, 2017

Day 99

Wednesday

I used to hate Wednesdays because Ethan died on a Wednesday. Now they’re just kind of noteworthy. I’m on my way to a two-hour group at Crossroads in Wellsboro. I promised myself I wouldn’t write much about individual people at the Center, because the last time I did that, they got really pissed at me, but this one woman is acting like a fucking child and it’s really starting to piss me off. It takes a lot for other people’s attitudes to affect me directly, and hers has started to, which makes me mad. Her name is Barista, and she got written up the other day for calling a staff member “fucking ridiculous,” which I think is fucking ridiculous behavior for a 30-year old woman, but whatever, I don’t make the rules. She just bitches CONSTANTLY!! I just want to tell her to shut the fuck up and grow up, but instead I brought it up during the “Cares and Concerns” portion of our morning Communnity group in an effort to be diplomatic. We’ll see how that goes.

Ha! This guy that’s driving me says that he bred Lhasa-apso’s together with Shih-tzu’s and called them Lossashits! 

Funny.

Well, we’re almost there, I guess. This guy’s daughter wants to be a vet tech. Hope she makes it.