Neither Here nor There: Musings from the Other Side (of the razor wire fence)

BLOG #1

Welp, I’m in Muncy State Prison now, which is as bad as it sounds, but just for fun, I’ll give you some highlights–there’s ants, we get four whole minutes to eat meals, and the hopper where we’re supposed to wash our clothes has no pipe to the wall, just a filthy mop bucket under it.

But that’s not the best part.

The best part is that in the bathroom, there are separate stalls, but only boob-level dividers between them, so it’s like this horrifying game where you try not to make eye contact with anybody while you pull your underwear up after having a diarrhea-shit from the freeze-dried coffee.

Yeah, that’s right.

Speaking of diarrhea, Daisy, my cellie, got some sugar-free candy here with this warning label: “Excessive consumption may have a laxative effect.”

So you’ll literally shit the bed if you eat too many.

In other Muncy news, the same dentist  who pulled two of my teeth at Cambridge Springs (Prison) called me “bud” and was glad to meet me.
We’ve met 10 times.

In celebrity news, Jessica Biel wrote “a kid’s book about periods.” Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Daisy is having hers, and described it as a “massacre,” and is, “bleeding all my blood out,” according to her. I, on the other hand, have 1,000 zits, so my face is having Daisy’s period, too.

Back to celebrity news, Campbell’s Chunky Soup honored Jason Kelce’s retirement by putting his beard on their cans, and Katy Perry showed  her entire butt at the Women of the Year Awards. 

Next: Katy Perry’s butt on Pepsi cans to honor National Women’s Month.

Then, Colin Firth’s wet shirt from Pride and Prejudice sold for $32,000, and Robert Irwin is a model now so instead of wrestling alligators like his Dad, he wrestles with his gag reflex. Maybe he should try Daisy’s laxative candies to stay thin…

In world news, fish in the Florida Keys are mysteriously spinning around in circles and then keeling over–my guess is that they heard about the earthquakes and the eclipse and so are committing mass suicide.

In Around the Block News, Daisy has just returned from the shower, where she nearly severed her ankle with the dull, one-bladed razors provided for us, and the neighbors are hurling insults at each other in the vein of, “You’re a colostomy bag!” and “You’re a pain in my peehole!”

Meanwhile, Dan, Daisy’s son, 7, recently pooped in the household litter box. He may or may not  identify as a furry.

Hey Jessica Biel! Do you have a book for that??