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My Birthday, Grabbin’ Ass, and Neverending Trauma

WOMEN’S CENTER

June 7th, 2018

Thursday

Day 339

8am

Time for Community. Sugar Momma is asking Sandra questions, and Sandra is taking nine years to answer each one. 

Gawd.

Mr. Big looks good today (always). I hope I get to work on the computer today. The meeting last night was okay–there are two people that talk way too much and take over the whole meeting spouting the same thing every time. Ken was there, and he must have hugged me 17 times. He and his girlfriend were fighting like cats and dogs outside the meeting beforehand. He was embarrassed when he walked in, and seemed very sex-deprived. He grabbed my butt and growled in my ear, which is uncharacteristic of him.

This Community is taking an eon.

Ugh.

11am

Now I am waiting on hold forever for the Social Security people to pick up the phone. Well, 32 minutes, to be exact. I guess I’ll read the new book Tori found here, “Bottom Line’s 2017 Health Breakthroughs.”

We’ll see what’s interesting in here.

June 8th, 2018

Friday

Day 340

2:30pm

Jesus Christ. I just got yelled at by the Sleep Nazi because I went to my room after waiting for 20 minutes for group to start and then nothing happened.

Bitch.

So now we’re sitting in the fucking Common Room doing absolutely nothing for no reason at all. She’s like, “I know you’re not sleeping during group!” And then I come out, and there’s no fucking group at all.

God.

She’s such a cunt sometimes.

June 9th, 2018

Saturday

Day 341

10pm

My birthday is tomorrow. Yippee skippy. Tori got some new hair dye at the dollar store. She wants me to bleach it for her. There’s a stupid Lifetime movie on called “Psycho Brother In Law.”

How dumb.

I did June’s custody paperwork today. I hope she gets somewhere with it. We’re up to thirteen people here now. I can’t wait to leave. There are absolutely NO apartments for rent online–they’re all for sale.

Bummer.

I didn’t go to the meeting tonight–had a terrible headache. I think I have a sinus infection. Time to dye Tori’s hair.

June 10th, 2018

Sunday

Day 342

9am

Happy birthday to me. Everybody is bitchy this morning. Time for Community. 

Blech.

10am

Finally I get to read my book–my new one is called, “Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve.”

Let’s see if there’s anything good in here:

It’s by Lewis B. Smedes

The Four Stages of Forgiving:

Hurt, hate, healing, and the coming together.

“The hurt that created a crisis of forgiving has three dimensions. It is always personal, unfair, and deep.”

“Forgiving is love’s remedy to be used when we are hurtfully wronged by a person we trusted to treat us right.”

Watching the Hunger Games now. President Snow says, “Hope is the only thing stronger than fear.”

I believe it.

3pm

I’m waiting for my kids to get here–all three of them are coming! It’s only supposed to be the boys, but when I called Dubya to talk to Lilly, he said she should be here!

Will wonders never cease.

I’m truly shocked that he let her come.

My ex-brother-in-law called too, and the staff let me speak to him for a minute, so that was nice. I guess he’s going to come visit me on Wednesday night.

6pm

The kids and I had fun. They each gave me a birthday card, and my parents gave me $20. The women here gave me a card too, which was really sweet. We’re watching, “Wonder,” which is about a little boy with a deformed face, and has Julia Roberts in it.

“When given the choice between being right, and being kind, choose kind.”

Word.

8pm

I have to say, I’ve had a good birthday, which I never thought would happen here. My sponsor came, and we mostly talked about how worried I am about moving in with Tori…I think maybe it’s not working for a reason.

9pm

New movie–talking about  how forgiveness will set you free. God, I hope so, because I am working hard at it.

Of course this is a love story–it makes me (selfishly) notice how lonely I am…

June 11th, 2018

Day 343

Monday

5:30am

Couldn’t sleep. I got up at 4am, and then tried to go back to bed, but I just kept waking up every 10 minutes, so I got up. Jolene is up too–she says her face hurts from the weather–it’s cold out, I guess. Apparently her ex showed up near the meeting again last night, even though they were just in court getting a PFA reinstated. 

I guess he was fishing near where the meeting was, and then when he saw her, he ran away. 

Fun times.

I’m glad I wasn’t there.

I get sick of Jolene’s mouth running all of the time. She’ll tell the same (pity-party) story 1500 times over, especially when something like that happens. Not that I don’t feel for her, but damn.

I’m being a bitch.

I guess I’ll read my forgiveness book.

1pm

Now we have a goal setting group. This should be fun. I guess Tori isn’t going to Crossroads today with me. Stupid Sandra made Tori cry this morning by being rude to her in group. 

Now Sandra is crying for reasons unknown. She just got off the phone with her lawyer, so that’s not a good sign. Tori is currently spraying Lysol on everything and it’s giving me a headache. Now Sandra’s saying she needs to call the judge. I bet her lawyer told her that since she ran away, she can’t get early release.

One of the new residents is sneezing and coughing and snotting all over the place–I just know I’m going to get sick.

I can feel it.

6pm

Doing group now. The man the TV is saying, “If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.”

Tori just pointed out that she can mime her name by pointing to her toe and then her knee. 

This group is hella boring. It’s about personal responsibility.. 

Tori and I have decided to make World Rules instead:

  1. Every female baby born gets an IUD at age 10. No forced reproduction.
  2. Everybody has to take parenting classes in school.
  3. Everybody must obtain a license to have a child

June 12th, 2018

Tuesday

Day343

9am

Driving to Wellsboro now with Larry. He’s telling a story about hitting a turkey vulture with his car, which he almost did again right now.

Whew!

Those are a damn big bird up close. 

Anyway, the funny story of the week is that Tori was –story interrupted.

I just talked for two straight hours about terrible things that happened to these women. Beatings, rape, sodomy with a knife even.

I’m trying and trying and trying to lift them up with words, but maybe it’s like remembering things–you have to write it down.

So I’ll write it.

It seems like I’m always dealing with the aftermath of something. 

It’s tragic, really.

I just don’t know what to say.

People need to know that they’re important.

That they matter.

4pm

Just one thing after another today. Helen’s on TV. Hallelujah. Something easy.

Sandra and Elaine even got into a fight during the staff meeting and Tori and I had to mediate. They eventually kissed and made up, though. 

Not literally.

Mr. Big’s head would explode.

I’m just glad the day is winding down. I feel like I said, “You are strong. You can do it,” about a million times today. 

I did my best.

I’m still Senior Resident here even if I don’t have the title–I’m everybody’s Mom.

Jolene is on furlough right now so that she can go to court to get a settlement for the case in which she was beaten severely on camera at an Acorn market, and nobody helped her. I hope they give her a lot of money. 

She deserves it.

I think I’ll read my Bible. Still on Isaiah. 

********MISSING PAGES************

That the things that happen to us when we’re little determine how the rest of our lives go.

That words, when used as weapons, are worse than anything that could happen physically to you, so be careful with them.

2:30pm

Parenting classes.

One of the new women, Diane, pulled me aside to talk when I got back from Crossroads, and told me that she had been informed today of her probable ovarian cancer.

I just listened, and held her while she cried.

It was awful.

She’s terrified.

And she has a nine-month old at home. 

Later, with her permission (actually, she asked me to), I shared with the group what was going on, and we all hugged her and cried with her. Better to spread the pain and struggle around than to have only one person bear it all.

***************MISSING SECTIONS*************

Tori: “I have to eat less! My underwear look like a thong, and they’re not a thong!”

I am realizing some things about Tori.

She’s endured far more emotional pain than I thought. 

Her first memory, ever, of life, is of being raped when she was four. 

Trauma as an introduction to the world. This is life, now go from here. How do you do that? Well, she did. Her courage and strength amazes me.

She just pointed toward Mr. Big’s name on her 8th Step amends work, but what I noticed is that first on her list is Brayden, her firstborn, who died in the womb at six months gestation.

Why on Earth would she blame herself for his death??!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m going to have to start at the very beginning with her! Trauma after trauma after trauma has built her life.

God, let me be her STOP sign. Girl, put the baseball bat down. Stop beating yourself up over what you had no control over.

10:30pm

God.

Jolene showed me pictures that her crooked lawyer’s helpful secretary slipped her of her face after the beating she took at the Acorn in 2012.

It’s so horrible to look at that dumb Jo, instead of being empathetic, was traumatized by the pictures, and kept repeating, “Jolene! Why would you show that to me! Now I’m never going to get THAT picture out of my head!”

Jo herself was beaten by a man so severely that it cracked her skull. She has an indent in her head still where he slammed her head onto a concrete floor as hard as he could.

I just wonder–why is no one empowering these women?

When is the abuse going to end??

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Colin Kaepernick and All the Yucky Love Stuff

MUNCY STATE PRISON

February 24th, 2025

Monday 

9:15pm

Well–it must be official that Zuko and I are in a relationship because I got moved downstairs today.

Fuck.

The rumor mill says it was Bambi and Martha who complained to the cops about us. It wouldn’t surprise me at all. Cinnamon and her girlfriend got separated too. Different floors, different bathrooms, different roommates. My one new roommate is obsessed with Mel Gibson, so Zuko calls her Melanie Gibson. She has pictures of cats, trucks, and Mel Gibson next to her bed.

Weird.

Zuko has an adorable hand signal she uses to say “I love you” to me. She does it all the time.

February 26th, 2025

Wednesday

11:29am

Yesterday I had my one-on-one with parole, where you meet with an on-site parole agent and go through your entire criminal history. It took an hour and was exhausting. I have a Cosmo appointment today to get my hair cut and maybe dyed brown. I don’t know if I have enough Cosmo tickets to get it dyed. Right now it’s half blonde and half dark brown. I guess we’ll see at 1:10pm. 

I never get to kiss Zuko anymore. 

I miss her.

Look up: Caring Collectively for Women Prisoners and Interrupting Criminalization

Book:

Abolition for the People

Edited by Colin Kaepernick

P. 152

The Trump era has provided some of the starkest examples of this dynamic. Throughout the Trump presidency, Trump and his associates were able to break the law and violate the Constitution–including documented crimes against humanity–in full view of the public while he proclaimed himself the upholder of law and order. Wealthy celebrities involved in the college admissions bribery scandal have gotten away with a slap on the wrist for orchestrating a multimillion dollar scheme while a dozen NYPD officers surrounded a Black teenager, guns drawn, for the ‘crime’ of failing to pay $2.75 for a subway ride.

The propaganda that depicts this type of policing as being essential to public safety and order is fundamentally classist and anti-Black. It traces its roots to the Black Codes that were passed immediately after the Civil War to control the movements of newly freed Black people. It relies on the racist assumptions that Black people would run amok and pose a threat to the larger society if not kept under the constant surveillance of a police force that has authority to kill them if deemed necessary, and with virtual impunity. That’s why we are inundated with a narrative that depicts the police officer who regularly patrols predominantly Black communities as being an essential part of maintaining order in society.”

P. 176

“The 13th Amendment ensured the continuation of slavery by another name–in the guise of the carceral state. Today, prisons are the third-largest employers in the nation, according to sociologist Loic Wacquant–and Black people are, once again, its currency. The consequences of this barbarity are suffered in incalculable ways by the disproportionately Black American and Latino people housed in these cages and their families.

Ironically, the consequences are also suffered by the managers and employees of this gargantuan apparatus, who ostensibly benefit from it. The daily duties of the foot soldiers of the prison industrial complex are to control and contain, with repressive violence, other human beings–those at the bottom of society. Not surprisingly, higher incidences of suicide/domestic violence, and substance abuse are reported among prison guards and police officers.

In the final analysis, can a country that professes to be the land of the free, but which holds 25 percent of the world’s prisoners and only 4 percent of the world’s population, truly reflect its promise of happiness and democracy?”

P. 184

“According to community organizers and the ACLU, ‘nearly 60 percent of people in women’s prisons nationwide, and as many as 94 percent of some women’s prison populations, have a history of physical or sexual abuse before being incarcerated,’ Additionally, ‘Women of color and low-income women are disproportionately affected by mandatory arrest policies for domestic violence.

Of survivors in a New York City study who had been arrested along with their abusers (dual arrest cases) or arrested as a result of a complaint lodged by their abuser (retaliatory arrest cases), 66 percent were African American or Latina, 43 percent were living below the poverty line, and 19 percent were receiving public assistance at the time.

Carceral institutions further this violence by punishing community members who are already survivors of racial colonial wars, genocide, poverty, systemic violence, white supremacy, anti-Blackness, and gender-based violence.”

9:30pm

I got my hair cut three inches, dyed brown, and straightened. Zuko’s reaction was that she walked into a table because she was looking at me. She really likes it. The she made me a “Sprout’s Mixed Tape” on her tablet, with all of the songs on it that I write lyrics to in my notes to her. 

She’s incredibly sweet.

I love her.

I haven’t gotten to kiss her yet today, which is torture. We’re supposed to meet in the downstairs bathroom at 9:45pm, but the CO hasn’t done his round and shut the upstairs bathroom yet.

Our Mixed Tape Date got interrupted earlier by the mental health person from BA side calling me in for parole stuff. Stuff about my kids and my mental health.
Stupid interruption.

Zuko was really worried, but it wasn’t a big deal. Now that we’re on the radar, bad things are happening.

It’s 9:47pm

Ugh.

February 27th, 2025

Thursday

8:08am

Book: 

Abolition for the People–Edited by Colin Kaepernick

P. 205

“Participating in the electoral process is about creating policies such as decarceration for marijuana and other drug use, ending pretrial detention and cash money bail, stopping rent hikes to prevent homelessness, and the BREATHE Act to end police violence and invest in a new vision of public safety. It is also the creation of programs that prevent violence through community-led efforts of violence intervention like the Credible Messenger and Cure Violence models.

It is the creation of community-based services that tackle the effects of poverty and its criminalization by creating community land trusts and housing cooperatives, worker-owned and cooperatively led businesses that get at the root cause of economic injustice, instead of building more prisons and jails to lock up poor, Black, and mentally ill people for profit and to legitimize the need for warlike city police. It is beautifully about a Vision for Black Lives, a comprehensive and visionary policy agenda endorsed by over fifty Black-led organizations.”

THE END

9:09pm

Zuko wrote me: 

Good morning,  my [not ownership, we choose each other] beautiful Love ♥️🙂

I was gonna write you some last night, but I fell asleep. I love you so much Sweetheart. I’m so grateful for every moment we get together. Your smile lights up my soul + I know you can see it when you look into my eyes. I love holding each other in our arms when we hug + kiss. We fit together perfectly, + it feels amazing. ♥️I’m sorry your bones hurt sometimes. I would kiss every one of them (even your tiny ear bones!) if I could so you’d feel better ♥️ And I’d give you my blood + bone marrow stuff + even my kidney to help you. I love you. I’d do anything for you Sprout, you’re my penguin. 🙂

I would build you a pebble nest…with my face. Lol. 

People keep telling me they were concerned about who I was sitting with because they didn’t recognize you. Lol. It’s fine. I’m cheating on my gf w/my gf. 😛 They all say you look nice. Agreed. 🙂You look run-into-a-table-hot 😛I miss being able to kiss you and touch you like we used to. My fingers ache to feel your body. I want to feel you against me + kiss you so passionately. You are sexy AF, no matter what you do with your hair. You’re an amazing kisser + I can’t get enough of you. I can’t believe how lucky I am to be yours. All yours. I give myself to you. I can’t wait to make love together. Holy fuck that’s gonna be good 🙂. 

Over + over + over again. ♥️ 

*sigh*

I love you Baby. 

♥️

So fucking much. 

 I gotta go get ready for our date. 🙂I’m gonna put my foot on yours and do it so hard. Lmao.

I love you Sprout. You have my heart.

♥️,

Meeeeeeeeee 🙂

I wrote her back, but gave it to her before I could write it down.

All the love stuff. 

🙂

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E-Porn, Isaiah, and dead babies

THE WOMEN’S CENTER

June 2nd, 2018

Saturday

Day 334

11:30am

Yay! I get to watch the E! Channel! It’s like my porn–it’s my guilty pleasure. Tori dyed my hair, and I’’m waiting to rinse it out–I can’t wait–I love getting my hair dyed–it always makes me feel better.

11pm

I felt like crap all day because of the weather, but on the way back from the meeting, we all sang songs, which made me feel better. 

Now Tori and I are watching some funny movie with Will Farrell and Kevin Hart about prison.

June/3/2018

Sunday

Day 335

2pm

We’re watching superhero movies on TNT. The last one was, “I Am Legend” with Will Smith. It’s good, except he has to strangle his own dog. Now “The Green Lantern is on. Fifteen minutes until my kids get here. I can’t wait. This movie is very strange.

8pm

Oh my–While I was visiting with my sponsor, Sandra decided that she was leaving–and left!! So then the police came and Mr. Big came and hauled her back here, saying it was her last chance before jail.

My, my, my.

Of course Big looked as hot as ever–grrrrrrrrrr…..I can’t stop thinking about him lately!

It’s Bad. 

Maybe Sandra has a crush on him too and just wanted to see him really bad.

Anyway, the visit with my kids went well. Tiger brought a jump rope with her, and jump-roped all around the dining room, and King told me that he had to go to the doctor for shoving a rock up his nose. I guess Jaxon was traumatized because there was so much blood, but Henry wasn’t particularly upset about it.

He’s had a history of putting things up his nose since he was small. Once I tweezed out a rubber band. 

Apparently the doctor looked in his nose, and did not think that it was in his sinuses. 

I sure hope not.

They’d need a CT scan to find that out, and I would imagine they’d have to sedate a four-year old to scan him.

Omg–there is this new show coming out where people get married first, and then get to know each other.

That sounds ridiculous.

Now we’re watching a show where some lunatic snatches a child because his former wife said that he raped her. Then he started living in a bunker underground with bombs all around it, and brings the kid with him. 

I guess it’s a true story, which is terrifying.

10pm

I guess Mr. Big was the one who stopped Sandra and made her come back to the Center. Kat says this is her last chance. Now her room is across from Big’s office.

Bed time.

June 4th, 2018

Monday

Day 336

7:30am

I got up at 5:30am today and took a shower and did my hair straight. Now we’re watching, “Say Yes to the Dress,” which makes me kind of sad.

I love weddings. I love getting married. The dress, the flowers, the music–everything.

12:30pm

On my way to Coudersport, reading my Bible again. Mr. Big thinks that this is one of the best quotes from the Bible: 

Isaiah 40:31: 

But those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;

They shall mount up with wings like eagles;

They shall run and not be weary;

They shall walk and not be faint.”

I guess I’ll read Isaiah.

5pm

Back at the Center–Ms. June is back. I guess rehab didn’t go so well for her. 

In any case, my doctor took X-rays of my shoulder and said that I have bone spurs and that she’s worried about a partial rotator cuff tear, so I need an MRI. The problem is that my insurance won’t pay for an MRI until I have at least six weeks of physical therapy, so that’s what I have to do for the next six weeks.

I guess my ex-brother-in-law called and want to discuss “housing options’ in case I don’t find a place before July 6th and have to stay with him for a while. I’d better call him, because he wants to move to New York, and I can’t leave the state.

June 5th, 2018

Tuesday

Day 337

8am

I talked to my ex-brother in law about NY, and he told me that he would be happy to stay in PA so that I would have a place to live, which is really generous of him.

12:30pm

TED Talk Brene Brown Vulnerability

Connection

Shame = Fear of Disconnection

Shame = I’m not good enough

Excruciating Vulnerability

Worthiness = Believed that they were worthy of a strong sense of love and belonging.

Whole-Hearted

What makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful

Shame – Core – Vulnerability – birthplace – joy

We numb…everything.

Isaiah 40:31 “Though youths grow weary and tired, avid vigorous young men stumble badly. Yet those that wait for the Lord with gain new strength;

They will mount up with wings like eagles,

They will run and not be weary,

They will walk and not be faint.”

The woman in group gave a piece of paper with this on it highlighted in pink because when I was talking to another person about how her life would get better, and it reminded her of a Bible verse… * 🙂 *

2pm

Okay God, I get it. I walked into parenting class and sat down and got this 3 x 5 index card handed to me: “ I am open about sharing my religious and spiritual beliefs with my child.”

I have never spoken a word of the Gospel to my children. I thought I had the answers to everything.

NOPE.

I guess I’ll have to get on that.

June 6th, 2018

Day 338

8am

Time for Community. Tori might be leaving today. She doesn’t have anywhere to go. I don’t even think that she talked to the Big Boss about staying next door in the homeless people part of the building. I wrote her up a letter to read to the judge, so I hope it goes well for her. I also wrote Jolene up a reference letter to help her get Senior Resident, so I hope that goes well for her. She’s currently wearing a shirt that says, “New Balls Please.”

I have no idea what that means. The reading today is on avoiding self-pity. Brenda is currently stumbling through the second reading at a snail’s pace. 

Poor girl.

She doesn’t read very well.

Mr. Big hasn’t shown himself yet today…I wonder what he thought of my reference letter for Jolene. Jo has been bitching a lot lately about how much trouble she’s been in impotently. It’s super annoying. She got herself in the situation she’s in, and she’s still asking everyone for their pills!!

Sugar Momma told me the other day that she told staff about the drug seeking. I told her to, and I’m glad she did, because it’s got to stop! Just won’t let it die and be overwith!

Brenda is talking about how much she likes Family Guy. This is taking forever. Now Jo is bitching about how much stuff she has to do before tomorrow. 

Lord have mercy.

10am

I need to put in my resume at the Public Defender! Their paralegal retired! I didn’t even think of that! The Big Boss brought it up!

Great idea!

11am

Blech. Now my useless caseworker’s here.

1pm

Jolene is the new Senior Resident, and she’s desperately trying in vain to run a group on positive thinking. Oh good, Mr. Big took over.

  1. Start your day with cheers and smiles.
  2. Ask for guidance–pray! 

“Id rather have an enemy that slaps me in the face than a friend who stabs me in the back.” –Honesty

  1. Plan
  2. Set goals and prioritize
  3. Be detached from the outcome
  4. Try new things and challenges

“Worrying is paying a debt on a balance you may never owe.”

  1. Balance your desires
  2. Be realistic
  3. Keep track of your mental and physical health
  4. Love yourself
  5. Laugh
  6. Associate with positive people
  7. Make it a habit to ask questions
  8. Be open
  9. Trust in other people
  10. Learn from experience
  11. Count your blessings
  12. Kiss your worries goodbye
  13. Forgive and forget
  14. Keep a list of your goals and actions

Bible:

Isaiah:

“Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and will not be afraid; for the Lord God is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation.”

7:30pm

We’re on our way to my meeting and the AA meeting in Coudersport. The Resident Worker, Tammy, thought that it would be a good idea if everyone went to my grief group instead of the AA meeting. Unexpectedly, Tori started gushing tears and getting super upset at the thought of going to my group. She lost a baby, Brayden, at six months pregnant. I’m not sure how long ago that was. It made me realize how much pain she’s still in. I guess today in court, the judge asked her how many kids she had, and it was a real trigger for her. 

Bereaved parents never know what to say when they’re asked this question. There’s a song on the radio saying, “That which doesn’t kill me, will only make me stronger.” They don’t know whether to include the dead child along with their live ones, because when they do, it makes people uncomfortable, but when they don’t, it feels like a betrayal to the deceased child, negating their existence altogether.

I hope Tori knows how strong she is, and how much she is loved. She told me Brayden died eight years ago. That’s not very long. It is still fresh for her, an open wound.

8pm

Meeting–

This guy is talking about having his ego stroked and said, “Ask God to make me the kind of man my dog thinks I am.”

“You cannot shake a hand with a clenched fist.”

“I don’t let people walk through my mind with dirty feet.”

“And eye for an eye would make the whole world blind.”

“Be the change you want to see in the world.”

–Ghandi

11pm

We got two new women today, one just a half an hour ago. I guess she’s in her room doing some non-stop jerky-movements. June demonstrated for me. Jolene just gave me a book titled “Forgive and Forget,” by Lewis B. Smedes. 

Hm.

It’s copyright 1984. Since we got this NEW woman just now, the staff sent us all to our rooms, so of course Tori and I and June played cards in the middle of the hallways sitting on the floor and singing songs. 

It was fun.

I love Tori so much.

She’s probably one of the best friends I’ve ever had. On the way home from the meeting, we talked about the children we lost, and how it has affected us.

It was good.

******************************************************************

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Life Uncategorized

Bitching, Big, and Surrender

Potter County Women’s Recovery Center

May 30th, 2018

Wednesday

Day 331

8am

Everyone is just bitching incessantly today–it’s exhausting just to listen to. I just can’t fucking wait to get out of here so bad. Now we’re waiting for everyone to get around for Community. Jolene say she needs to shave her tush.

Funny.

I need to shave my legs.

10am

Well, Community was fun. Mr. Big encouraged us to call each other out and be honest in Community about what people are doing wrong. There was just a super hot guy on TV and Jolene said she almost creamed in her pants.

*sigh*

Me too.

Now she’s talking about something called Neflins existing before Adam and Eve. 

I know nothing about that.

John 20:29: “Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” –Jesus

Now we have “Healthy Relationships” group with the woman from A Way Out. She brought a board game, but she doesn’t know how to play it.

Hm.

11am

Chore time.

Jolene is discussing her situation with her ex with the A Way Out lady. Maybe she’ll finally get her PFA that she wants (and deserves).

John 20:31: “…but these are written so that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name.”

John 21:25: “Now there are also many other things that Jesus did. Were every one of them to be written, I suppose that the world itself could not contain the books that would be written.”

1pm

Now we have Drug and Alcohol group. Today we are writing a letter to our addiction. 

Here’s mine:

From the time I was small, 

Until when I was tall, 

I knew life would be rough, 

And I’d have to be tough.

But you took it to another level, 

From that first needle bevel,

Going into my vein, 

Nothing would ever be the same.

I’d lie and I’d cheat, 

And you knew I’d be beat, 

But I didn’t care, 

You had me in your snare.

But things will be different now,
And I will tell you how.

First comes my Higher Power, 

I no longer have to cower.

Then comes me, 

And my little three.

I know if you had your druthers, 

I’d be dead, six feet under. 

But I no longer have to be scared, 

For, alas, I have been spared.

I have nothing but hate for you now, 

And this is my solemn vow:

I simply love life too much, 

To ever again use you as a crutch.

Very Sincerely, 

Justine

6:30pm 

God. 

Everyone is bitching like crazy right now.

May 31st, 2018

Thursday

Day 332

2pm

Now we’re doing a group on things nobody knows about us. We were supposed to do Community Service, but then Sugar Momma fell down again, so we stayed here. Brenda lived in 22 different homes growing up, and Jo is a triplet. Sandra just said, “Four kids is bad enough!!”

Asshole.

If people don’t want kids, why do they keep having more?!

Ugh.

Grammy is sleeping with her tongue hanging out, which is kind of funny.

10pm

Gawd.

Jo is freaking out again, this time because she’s been pitting first shift against second shift, telling second shift that first shift told her she can smoke at meetings, which is not true. She is only allowed to smoke two cigarettes per day because she gets in trouble so often.

This morning she went so far as to write Tori a note to see if Tori would ask me for my pills!! Of course, I made her show the note to Kat.

I want to scream at Jo–”BITCH, PUT THE SHOVEL DOWN!!”

Geezoman.

When is she going to learn?

I tell her to stop asking me, so she thinks Tori will??

WhatEVER.

Tomorrow I have to get online and see if I can find a place for Tori and I to live when we get out.

GOOD. 

NIGHT!!

June 1st, 2018 

Friday

Day 333

8am

Mr. Big looks hot today. But what am I talking about? He looks hot every day. I had more dreams about him when I went to bed last night.

God.

I fantasize about him when I’m awake, I fantasize about him when I’m asleep…it’s exhausting.

Ugh.

Now he’s in the room. I’ve got to stop.

Anyway…….doot….de doot…..de doooooooooot….not thinking about him at all…..yeah, right.

9am

Inspirational Group

The average American will meet 10,000 people in his or her lifetime. 

Lessons from Admiral speech: (inspirational)

If you want to change the world:

  1. Make your bed every morning.
  2. Ask for help.
  3. Measure people by the size of their heart.
  4. Keep moving forward.
  5. Don’t be afraid of failure (it makes you stronger).
  6. Sometimes you have to slide through the obstacles head first.
  7. Don’t back down.
  8. Be your very best during your darkest moments.
  9. Give hope to others, never give up.
  10. Respect everyone.

11am

I sweated my ass off in Gym. Now I get to sweep and mop the giant dining room floor. I’m finally doing my laundry too. Stupid Jo didn’t go to Gym, so she’s in even more trouble. I guess I’ll get on the computer for 15 minutes and look up apartments.

No luck with apartments. There’s one in Port Allegany that I might consider if it’s okay with Tori.

2:30pm

Big left for the day. Inspirational quote on the board (from And Still She Laughs, by Kate Merrick):

“And so I surrendered. I surrendered the idea that I can play God and control the outcome of my life. I surrendered the sinful attitudes, the self pity, the ugly fits. I surrendered the kicking of feet and lashing out at the One who is carrying me. I surrendered the wasting of time, sitting around paralyzed because I can’t get past the mess my life has become or the disappointments I have suffered. I surrendered what I had been holding back, all the love and adoration I had been withholding from God out of a broken heart: stingy, petulant, and hoarding affection.”

“In all their suffering, He also suffered.”

–Isaiah 63:9

10pm

Watching TV for the first time in over a month. I’m finally off of Restriction. I bought hair dye tonight–I can’t wait to dye my hair, but we’re only allowed to do it on the weekends, so it’ll have to wait until tomorrow.

Tori does not want to live in Port Allegany, which sucks super bad, because I was kind of hopeful about it.

Ugh.

Now “Knocked Up” is on–for the millionth time.

Categories
Life Uncategorized

Lies By Omission, Breakups, and Audre Lorde

February 19th, 2025

Wednesday

Muncy State Prison

8:42pm

So, Zuko and I are sitting downstairs a little bit ago, and Cricket comes up to us and starts talking about how she tried to give the note Zuko wrote to Tyson to her, but she wouldn’t take it. 

WHAT??!!

WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING TALKING ABOUT?!

She’s writing her?

This, coming from the woman who wants a monogamous fucking relationship with me??

So I’m silent after Cricket leaves, and Zuko makes some stupid comment about the movie we’re watching.

Silence.

She says, “Are we fighting?” and then starts talking about how people have been coming up to her saying that Tyson looks like shit, and she was supposed to have some surgery, and she was just checking to see if Tyson was okay.

Jesus Fucking Christ.

All that’s running through my head is:

“THIS IS WHY I DON’T DO MONOGAMY. THIS IS WHY I DON’T DO MONOGAMY.”

It’s the sneaky, lie-by-omission, underhanded, back-door, super-secret-BULLSHIT that I ALWAYS try to AVOID!!

I say, “You should have told me first. If you don’t want to be in a relationship, then let’s not be in a relationship.”

She splutters and says she does want to be in a relationship, but everyone told her not to be so honest, and she’s sorry, and bla, bla.

I say it’s fine, but she’s the one keeping this relationship with Tyson going, not Tyson, like she said.

Is she addicted to drama or something?

Chaos?

Jesus fucking Christ. 

Who knows.

This is a note she handed to me earlier:

Hey there, Beautiful, 

I don’t have a lot of time to write you, cuz I’ve been busy doing awesome Zuko shit all day. 🙂 But I wanted you to know that I’m always thinkin’ of you + I love you. 

A lot.

I love how much fun we have together + that we can have intelligent conversations together, + fuck you’re so fuckin’ sexy. It’s hard to keep my hands and lips off you, cuz they’d be all over you all of the time if it was possible. 

I loved what you wrote.

Please continue. 🙂 I’d love to have you on me, you’re sexy AF Babe. I wanna be as close as fucking possible to you. You’re so fuckin’ hot + I definitely want you on top of me. 🙂

We’re gonna have Earth shattering sex when I get outta here. And then we can get married for the 4,729th time. 🙂 

I choose you every day, Sprout.

Thanks for choosing me too.

I’m all yours, as long as you’ll have me. 

I gotta go!

I don’t wanna be late and keep you waiting. 

I love you.

♥️

All of that rings kind of hollow now. I mean, she did jump out of the relationship with Tyson and into one with me really fast.

We should have taken a break first.. 

Maybe we should take one now.

February 20th, 2025

Thursday

8:53am 

Book:

“Abolition for the People”

Edited by Colin Kaepernick

P. 122

“According to the World Health Organization, incarceration is detrimental to mental health due to ‘ various forms of violence,’ enforced solitude, or, conversely, lack of privacy, lack of meaningful activity, isolation from social networks, insecurity about future prospects (work, relationships, etc.) and inadequate mental health services..’”

P. 123

“For the master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house. They may allow us temporarily to beat him at his own game, but they will never enable us to bring about genuine change. And this fact is only threatening to those women who still define the master’s house as their only source of support,”

—Audre Lorde

P. 151-152

“Roughly a quarter of all bailiff’s, correctional officers, and jailers are Black yet there’s no indication that diversifying the staff of a racist institution results in less violence and death for those who are held within it. That’s because the institution continues to operate as designed. It is not ‘broken,’ as reformists are fond of saying. The fallacy is in believing the function of police and prisons is to mete out punishment and justice in an equitable manner and not to first and foremost serve as a means of maintaining the race, gender, and class hierarchy of an oppressive society.

Believing that the system is ‘broken’ rather than functioning exactly as intended requires a certain adherence to White supremacist and anti-Black beliefs. One has to ignore the rampant amount of violence, fraud, and theft being committed by some of the most powerful figures in society with little to no legal consequences while massive amounts of resources are devoted to the hyper-policing of the poor for infractions as minor as trespassing, shoplifting, and turnstile jumping at subway stations,”

Zuko wrote me:

 
Good morning Love.

IDK when you’ll be awake + I’ll get to give this to you, but I wanted to write you anyway. If I mess shit up, I want to to be because I made the wrong choice, not cuz  I listened to other people. 

Like right now.

I’m gonna ignore Wolfy telling me that I over-explain things + to just let shit go. I wanna make sure you know how I feel + where I’m coming from, so that there’s no assuming + so I’m being open + honest with you. 

(Yup, I’m learning from you + the book you’re reading. 🙂)

You’re right: not everyone is gonna like me, + I need to be OK with that. And I need to stop worrying (catastrophizing?) about the future or stressing about the past. I want to learn every day and grow every day so I can be the best version of myself.

The gamer in me calls it “Leveling Up.” 🙂

I was taking advice from others (inmates) cuz I haven’t been successful in my relationships. 

So, logically, I need to look at myself to figure out what I’m doing wrong. Maybe those people (xgfs) were just assholes + they didn’t love me. And I have an addiction to alcohol, which fucked things up too.

Basically, I have to look at myself, and evaluate things. I signed up for the Healthy Relationships group months ago, so hopefully I get in that group + it’s helpful. I wanna be a better person, for myself + for you. 🙂

I know we talked about this last night, but I wanna make sure I get this all out clearly. 

I do not ever want to get back with her, and I honestly don’t even see us being friends. But I don’t want her as an enemy either, cuz I want her to leave you, me + my friends alone. It’s really hard for me to be an asshole on purpose, so I need to learn how to balance things better. It’s not my responsibility to make sure she’s OK, especially since she hates me.

I do not want to be with anyone besides  you. I love you + everything about you. 🙂I’m a one woman kind of woman. You + only you, get all of my love and affection. Life has been great since we decided to let our friendship evolve. 🙂 You make my heart happy too. You said something like, “This just feels right, + I have to trust that.”

I agree.

Fuk all that dumb advice people have given me. I like being honest about everything + that’s what I’m sticking with. Thank you for not quitting on me + all this monogamous gay shit you’re doing with me. ♥️I love you. Thank you for letting me learn + grow with you. Thank you for loving me. 🙂

I think that was everything I wanted to say. 

I’ve gotten interrupted by girthy banana dicks, school, Bundo on her knees “waiting for Daddy to cum” … * insert disgusted face.*

This is why it takes me so long to focus + write you, I’m sorry. 

Plus, I get distracted daydreaming about you 🙂. Holding your hand (carefully), kissing you, touching you, that one time on Vday 🙂, laughing and joking with you, listening to you talk when you’re passionate about something, looking into your beautiful eyes, seeing your pretty smile, I love you.

I’m sorry again that I wasn’t honest with you, + I’m sorry for hurting you.

Okay, I’m done now. Sorry for apologizing so much 😝 I love you, Thank you for sharing how you were feeling with me. 

I had so much fun on our date (after we got past the whole break thing + your phone call. You’re a heartbreaker.). Jimmy Timmy Smith-Jones will never be a triangle!! 

Lmao I love you so much. 🙂 I have the best time with you.

Your awesome level + my awesome level = fucking amazing. 🙂

OK. Food. See you soon.

I love you Sprout.

♥️

Me

Categories
Life Uncategorized

Journal Excerpt, 7/27/26, On Hope.

11:26pm

Called Dubya. 

Told him that I loved him, and Tiger, even if they didn’t love me back. 

Asked him if he could please remember the good times that we had, instead of just the leaving, that I did to them.

The absence of a mother.

A broken family.

Ripped apart. 

By grief, trauma, and addiction.

Told him that it was the worst mistake of my life, walking away, that I was addicted to drugs and couldn’t possibly make good decisions.

Told him that I thought that I was bad for him and Tiger, and that’s why I left.

I had just buried a daughter, for Christ’s sake, when we got together.

I buried Kaylee in March of 2008. 

Tiger was born in December of 2009.

It was too fast, too soon. 

I was still reeling from the shock, the anguish, of burying two babies.

But Dubya had that innocent, child-like charm, that hope-filled existence, like anything could happen, if you just tried hard enough. 

And so I fell in love with him.

In love with hope, really.

That there could be a day when it would all get better.

After she was born, I picked up the addiction like I hadn’t even left off, nine months before. 

I had to be sedated to survive.

Tiger would cry and I would hear Ethan’s plaintive, hoarse howling from the pain that I couldn’t stop, in the end. 

The feeling of helplessness would just come flooding over me, any time she cried, and I would experience it all over again–the visions, the smells, the sounds.

It was always at night when it was the worst. 

Always at 3am.

When I was alone with a screaming infant that I could do nothing to protect, nothing to save him from this constant, excruciating pain.

I couldn’t be near Tiger.

Infant Napalm, I remember thinking.

Every time she cries, my brain explodes into horrific memories of blood, blisters, and bandages.

Every time.

This is how PTSD works.

I held it together for 14 months, with that one little psychotic episode when she was five weeks old, when I couldn’ t stop screaming at the pouring rain that was coming down in sheets from the black, moonless sky that night. 

I was blacked out for most of it.

Don’t remember a thing.

That is how the brain protects you from trauma.

Your conscious brain just shuts off for a while, because what you are experiencing is too painful to bear, as a human being.

My body needed to release this pain somehow, so it found a way.

It couldn’t possibly stay inside me any longer, and so it came out in screaming, wailing at a God, at a Universe, that I thought hated me, had forsaken me, and thrown me to the wolves, to suffer and suffer, until they tore me apart enough–until I lost enough lifeblood, that my heart would finally give out. 

Wolves…dismantling me, piece, by piece, until I died.

That’s how it felt. 

To be a disemboweled doe that is still standing still while the giant dogs start to eat the flesh that they have torn from her body. 

Until she finally falls down, succumbs, and dies.

When Dubya came to visit me in Clarion Psych, I was so happy to see him. 

I put my arms out to hug him, walking fast toward him, when I heard his deep, comforting voice behind me, and he picked me up–swept me off my feet, really–and carried me, like a baby, to a chair, and then sat down and held me, while I told him about the new friends that I had been making in the looney bin.

Held me hard.

I weep to write it, the memory is so raw and painful. 

That kind of love that we had for each other.

Wild and crazy–doesn’t make sense to anybody–but plain as day to see–love.

We were so in love.

He just wanted me to be fixed, to be better, and nobody knew how to fix my shattered heart.

We all wanted that.

Nobody knew that the antidote to grief is time, life experience, and helping other people. 

I know that now.

But there is no vaccine to prevent it, and no Band-Aid, no quick fix, to stop it.

While I was struggling with my profound grief of my first two children dying in my arms, Tiger and Dubya were struggling with their profound grief of the sudden loss of a mother, a wife, a family.

The sudden destruction of a family unit, as if a wrecking ball had targeted our nice, beautiful, yellow house, that Dubya had bought, in anticipation of a family.

“I just want to be married and have a family,” he had told me, on the first date, even–which shocked the hell out of me.

So we tried to do that.

I failed miserably.

He was never the same again.

In a terrible, angry, resentful, broken way.

In a truly awful way.

My doctors tell me that my heart has been damaged, and that there is scarring on it.

I’m not surprised.

What surprises me is that I lived through it at all.

And that the reason for me living through it is to tell my story, so that others will learn things like empathy and compassion. 

And so I wrote it down. 

In journals, that became books and blogs, that are available to anybody with an Amazon or WordPress account and a few dollars.

The blog is free, of course. 

Amazon doesn’t let you put ebooks on it for free, or I would do that.

But here’s the thing–people with no empathy or compassion don’t read. 

They don’t learn new things.

On purpose.

And so they never change, never grow.

They are like Dubya is now, stuck in the pain, the rage, the anger at the crap hand he was dealt in life by accidentally marrying a drug-addicted whore, which is how he describes me to others, in other words.

Choices, he says. 

I made bad choices, and so now I have to live with the fact that my now 16-year old daughter will not speak to me, hasn’t spoken to me in well over a year, save for two conversations, both of which ended up with her hanging up on me.

The truth hurts.

But it turns out that the truth is also how you grow into a whole human being. 

The truth lets you make your own decisions, instead of basing your choices and your mental and emotional well-being off of what other people have told you.

The truth will set you free.

And so I tried to tell her the truth about me.

And I’m sure I failed miserably at that, too.

But I am a whole person now.

So I am hopeful.

That some day, in some way, she will open her heart just a tiny crack, and let some light in.

Shed some light, and truth, on what actually happened to her. 

To all of us.

I still have hope.

Categories
Life Uncategorized

Picnics, Fantasies, and some Fuckery

May 26, 2018

Day 327

Saturday

8am

Pancakes for breakfast this morning. I wonder what today will be like. I guess we’re going to an AA/NA picnic for Memorial Day. Sandra is already bitching that we get to go and she doesn’t. She says the ones who have to stay back, they should get to go to the store for soda.

Yeah, right.

11am

On our way to the picnic with Tori, Jo, Jolene, Sugar Momma, and June. I guess Mr. Big is going to be there. 

Hm. 

I painted my nails and am wearing a dress.

I wonder how it will be.

May 27th, 2018

Day 328

Sunday

9:30am

The picnic yesterday was good. Nikolai and Temperance were there, which was nice, except she upset Tori by telling her that it’s been going around that she’s been getting high. 

Tori cried all the way home.

Big was at the picnic looking as hot as ever–a woman there even walked up to him and asked him for his number, but he didn’t give it to her.

I was surprised.

He got hit with a water balloon at one point, and almost took his shirt off, but then he didn’t. 

Boy, would I have loved to see that show. Of course it would be torture at the same time. More fodder for my dreams, I guess, which he’s been showing up in lately.

Anyway, it’s time to do the fucking kitchen inventory now, which I don’t want to do. I rained all last night and my whole body hurts.

12:30pm

I planted in the garden, instead of doing meal planning. I don’t feel like cooking this week–let the new people do it. 

Now I am reading my Bible:

John 8:12: “Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, ‘I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness but will have the light of life.”

John 8:31: “So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, ‘If you abide by my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.’”

May 28th, 2018

Day 329

Monday

11am

Today is Memorial Day, so Big isn’t working. Tori, Grammy, Jo, and I are making picnic food. The rest of the women are at a parade down the road except for Sugar Momma, who is in bed with the barfs.

It seems like she’s sick every day.

We were going to do the roadside rest for our picnic, but we can’t because of her being in bed.

My mother brought the boys yesterday, and we read books for an hour, which was very nice. She didn’t say anything about the letter I wrote her, although she did ask how I was, which is a big step for her. I told her I was sick from being in the sun all day Saturday, and she told me I should invest in a sunhat, which is a good idea.

Now I am praying for the strength and willingness to forgive the others in my life that have wronged me. I have to forgive myself at some point, too, but I don’t know if I’m ready for that. My sponsor came last night to see me too, but we didn’t talk much about the steps. We were just basically catching up, because I didn’t see her last week.

My hands hurt (more rain last night), so I’m going to read my “And Still She Laughs: Defiant Joy in the Depths of Suffering” book:

“I could argue that I should, in fact, stay afraid as a form of protection, because life is brutal and good things don’t last. Or I could say that God was with me, that He received Daisy (her daughter) into his arms, that He carries us through the valley of the shadow of death and will continue to be present in our time of need.”

–Kate Merrick

“Fear causes us to miss out on the beauty and joy that exists in every life.”

2:30pm

We went outside for a while, which was nice. Now we’re doing “Music Therapy,” which is just us listening to music for an hour. Ke$ha’s “Praying” is on right now.

Outside, the garden I planted is doing well. Grammy’s not having a good day. She looks like she’s going to kill someone. Tori has court in nine days to see if she can get out of here a month early. I’ll miss her a lot if she goes, but I’ve been lucky that she’s been in here this long with me. She just wrote me a not saying that it pisses her off when she’s in the bathroom peeing, and somebody shouts, “Who’s in there?” Like she’s going to stop peeing and then go back in and finish peeing in boiled egg and tuna smell.

Gross!

She’s so funny.

Sandra has a fan blowing only on her, and the rest of us are sitting here sweating.

Selfish.

And how do women like Elaine and Brenda have boyfriends and I don’t?!

I need to stop. 

I’m being mean and wallowing in self-pity.

Again.

Ugh.

It’s almost time for being in our rooms, which I enjoy because then I can take a nap. “Fight Song” is on–Tori’s favorite.

Back to my book:

John 14:27 “I am leaving you with a gift–peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.”

–Jesus

I bet Sandra regretted that fan–Grammy just farted and it went right in her face.

“We decide if we are willing to laugh without fear.”

Isaiah 63:9: “In all their suffering, He [Jesus] also suffered.”

Heb. 2:18: “Since he himself has gone through suffering and testing, he is able to help us when we are being tested.”

Well, I finished my book. Granny has some wicked gas and is stinking it up in here. Halfway through the book, the author has a miscarriage, but even in her grief, she is grateful for what she has. It reminds me that only three of my nine pregnancies survived past infancy, and four were never born at all. But I, too, can be grateful for the children that I do have, and not bitter (any more) for those that I lost.

6pm

Group.

We’ve watched these “Life Skills videos about a thousand times now. 

Ugh.

Tori is over in the corner snickering about the look on my face. Jo and Diamond are discussing laxatives, Brenda’s buttcrack is hanging out, and Jolene and Sandra are journaling. I guess Sugar Momma’s Grandmother died, which is terrible. I hate it when people lose their loved ones while they’re in here–it makes it that much harder.

The woman in this video has crazy high hair–like beehive hair. She looks like Loretta Lynn.

There are a lot of flies in here–it is super annoying. It’s also well above 80 degrees, which makes everyone miserable, especially Grammy.

I can’t watch this anymore.

I’m going to read my Bible.

10:30pm

Full moon tonight, and boy, can you tell around here. Jolene is hysterical because her ex keeps showing up when we’re out and scaring the shit out of her. He beat her so badly one time in public that she had to have her face reconstructed. The PFA on him expired, so she needs a new one, and Big doesn’t seem to be taking it seriously. This is a mental health disaster waiting to happen. 

I’m worried about her.

She thinks she’s never mattered her whole life, and it’s more of the same here.

May 29th, 2018

Tuesday

Day 330

6am

I’m not sure why, but I got up at 5:30am today. Actually I am sure–I had a dream that it was 7:30am, and Big was here already, and I was late getting up. 

Ugh.

I’m watching a show on TV called “Mom” that’s really funny. Of course I’m not supposed to be watching TV because I’m on Restriction, on Friday. 

I have Crossroads today, which should be nice. 

I didn’t get to go last week because my insurance lapsed.

It’s funny, on this show, the mom says, “It checks out,” just like Jolene does all of the time. I wonder how she’ll do today with talking to Mr. Big, who thinks that she is “overreacting.”

Wow, the women on this show are recovering alcoholics! That’ s kind of cool. Oh, they changed the channel.

Boo.

We’ll probably end up watching the Weather Channel or Hallmark now. 

Ugh. Sandra is up.

Yup–I called it–The Weather Channel. 

Yuck.

Why are people so obsessed with the weather?

7:30am

Omg, I just walked past Jo’s room and she had a spoon sitting on her nightstand!!

WTF is she thinking?!

Geezoman. If she gets caught with that, it’s considered contraband. I hope she’s not using it to cook drugs–that would be the stupidest thing she could do.

Wow.

Dummy.

We haven’t had room searches in weeks, if not months, so they must be coming up soon.

Anyway, I hope today is a good day. I actually love Crossroads, individual and group therapy, and I hope that I am still able to go after I’m out of here. Some people even bring their kids with them. Of course, if I live with Tori, I’ll finally have a babysitter. Shit, that reminds me–I need to call the landlord about this house we might get! 

Oh.

Business phone calls aren’t until 10am, and I’ll be in Wellsboro at 10am.

Poop.

The staff is asking Mr. Big–aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand he said no. 

Predictable.

He hasn’t been out of his office yet this morning, probably because it seems like everyone needs to talk to him urgently. The rest of the women will be leaving for grocery shopping pretty soon. I gave Tori my book, “And Still She Laughs” by Kate Merrick to read–I hope she gets something out of it.

Bible:

John 12:44– “And Jesus cried out and said, ‘Whoever believes in me, believes not in me but in Him who sent me. And whoever sees me sees him who sent me. I have come into the world of light, so that whoever believes in me may not remain in darkness. If anyone hears my words and does not keep them, I do not judge him; for I did not come to judge the world but to save the world.”

John 13:31: “‘A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.”

–Jesus

John 14:6: “Jesus said to him, ‘I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.’”

John 14:27 “‘Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.’”

–Jesus

John 15:5 “‘I am the vine, you are the branches.’”

John 15:9: “‘As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you.’”

–Jesus

8:30am

Oh my–people are giving Jo advice on how to poop again. She’s always constipated. Tori says that she can feel some fuckery about to happen. They had four staff this morning, including Mr. Big, and then Gert left for some reason, and no one has gone grocery shopping yet for some reason, and all the staff have been in the office all morning for some reason. It’s making me nervous.

Great.

Now Jessie came out and told us that no one can smoke all day. This might be because Sandra went out to  smoke yesterday without permission.

FUCK.

How do they think that this is “rehabilitative???”

John 16:22: “‘So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you.’”

–Jesus

John 16:27: “‘For the Father himself loves you, because you have loved me and have believed that I came from God.’”

–Jesus

9am

Woooooooooooooow. We’re not allowed to smoke for the whole day, and staff won’t even tell us why. I’m going to guess that this isn’t going to be just a one-day thing, either. 

Great.

This should be a blast.

They sent Stacey with us to make sure we don’t smoke.

Cool.

12pm

Group is over. Now waiting for Tori for an hour while she’s in Individual [Group]. Group was good. I talked about my letter to my mother, forgiveness, and letting go of resentments, which is still difficult for me.

1pm

On our way home. I told Stacey about Jo and Jolene…I couldn’t seem to help it. I don’t know if it was the right thing to do or not, but I prayed about it beforehand, and then felt compelled to tell her, so we’ll see what fuckery this brings.

I hope it’s not bad.

I didn’t really know what else to do–I mean–the girl is leaving fucking spoons in plain view!!

Ugh.

Anyway, it’s just beautiful outside today. The wildflowers are blooming, the sky is pastel blue with big, puffy white clouds, and the temperature is in the 80s. 

Beautiful.

Tori wants to pick the Sweet Williams’ and Rhododendrons and put them in her room, but we’re not allowed to bring flowers in the building because Sugar Momma is allergic. She seems to have a multitude of health problems.

2pm

Now we have parenting class–

The Four Main Parenting Styles–

Authoritarian, Authoritative, Permissive, Uninvolved.

The parenting lady had her phone in her back pocket, and the flashlight was on, and Mr. Big saw it and pointed that her butt was glowing, and she asked why he was looking at it.

Funny.

Score the following using this scale:

1 = Always

2 = Most of the time

3 = Sometimes

4 = Rarely

5 = Never

  1. It is fun and fulfilling to be a member of our family.
  2. Everyone in our family participates in family tasks.
  3. Family togetherness and unity hold high priority in our family.
  4. We promote family love and unity by following certain values and family traditions, such as respecting prayer for the meal.
  5. We plan a family day or do something together at least once a week.

7pm

Now we have an in-house group with Tori’s sponsor, Gena. I didn’t know it, but at 3:30pm, I had a doctor’s appointment to recheck my Hep-C. My liver values are still high, but stable. I’ll find out about my actual viral load in a few days.

We’re on Step 9 now, which is making amends to others. Gena always tells this story about how her fiance (now husband) screwed a different woman, and how after that, Gena was always flipping her off and acting like a fool toward her–and eventually Gena apologized to her for her bad behavior toward her.

I can’t imagine.

Of course she adds in that if she knew then what she knows now, she wouldn’t have married him. 

Geez.

Jolene is talking, yet again, about how her ex is terrorizing her and how she feels worthless. She is hijacking every single group lately with this. I guess on Sunday night, he was driving down the road, and he sped up while some of the women from the Center were crossing the road, and Jolene swears he was trying to hit them. I’m not sure why she would go back to the Galeton meeting at all after the last meltdown.

I don’t mean to be insensitive, I mean, I feel for the girl; but it’s obvious that the solution is a PFA and some serious mental health counseling.

“Pain is the touchstone of all spiritual progress.”

–Unknown (12 Steps and 12 Traditions, AA)

9pm

Geezoman.

Now Jo, Jolene, and Tori are getting their rooms searched. Apparently they found something in Jo’s room, because she just came out and flipped out about it, saying, “This is fucking bullshit!! Somebody’s been running their fucking mouths!”

I meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaan….she had a damn spoon on her nightstand for God’s sake!!

What did she expect?!

Whatever.

The fuckery continues.

Oh, she just came out and said that she had a lighter and a cigarette in her room.

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Life Uncategorized

My Fickle, Fickle Heart…

February 18th, 2025

Tuesday

11:25am

I talked to Tiger last night. 

She was a total asshole, but I was glad to talk to her anyway.

I’m going to break up with Motorcycle today. I don’t want to fake it anymore.

Zuko wrote me:

Hey Beautiful 🙂

I cannot get enough of you. I have so much fun when we’re talking and making up fucking ridiculous shit together. Lol 🙂I feel high. I’m high on you. It’s lovely. I don’t even care if you don’t get the plumage right, I’ll still marry you every day for the rest of my life, which is forever, cuz I’m immortal and all that. Good times and bad, rich or poor, sickness and health, even if you have tiny clusters of burgers on your ass 😛(Asperger’s). 

I love you.

I loved the lyrics you wrote. Who is it? Please don’t say Taylor Swift 🙂. I love feeling your hands on me. Thanks again for the massage, babe. And it was cute that you kissed me then, cuz it’s normal 🙂. I’m manifesting us being affectionate and lovey whenever the fuck we want. And a nice big bed for us to enjoy each other in. Kissing you as I walk you over to the bed, and pausing to take your shirt off. Smiling and kissing you some more while I run my fingers across your body, up your back, and unhook your bra 🙂. I kiss you down your neck and across your chest and pull your bra straps off your shoulders one at a time with my mouth. You pull my shirt over my head and wait for me to take off my sports bra. We kiss passionately as I carefully guide you down onto the bed and start kissing my way slowly down your neck…chest…Imma hang out here for a second… 🙂…and down your stomach. 

Let’s get your pants off.

You’re so fuckin’ sexy. 🙂

I kiss my way up the inside of your thighs and slide my fingers under your panties so I can get them off. We kiss some more cuz we can’t get enough of each other.

You stop so you can get my pants + boxers off too, so we can feel each other’s bodies pressed together.

You feel so fuckin good.

I need all of you.

We stare deeply into each others eyes + I whisper “I love you” + you whisper “I love you” back.

We kiss passionately while my hand explores your body carefully, gently, while I learn every part of you.

I kiss my way down your body again + run my fingers up your inner thigh. 

You are a Goddess, I worship you with my tongue.

Slowly at first, tasting all of you. 🙂

I take my time so you can get as much pleasure as possible before I focus on your clit, gently licking and sucking on it, driving you fucking crazy.

You’re moaning and breathing heavy, so I keep the same rhythm with my tongue and mouth and slide my fingers into you, which sends you over the edge. 

You pull me up to you cuz you need my body against yours, so I wrap myself around you before kissing you.

You’re beautiful and so fuckin’ sexy.

OK, so I manifest that. Feel free to also manifest some things. 🙂

I need dinner, + then meeting + freezing our asses off for meds, + then a little chill time before we have jobs. 🙁

I miss you, Sprout.

Thanks for telling me how to hold your hand. 

I love you + I don’t ever want to hurt you. 

February 18th, 2025

Tuesday

(Continued)

I wrote Zuko back: 

Those lyrics are from Ed Sheeran, I think. Sorry I’m not talkative today, I feel sedated. 

Need coffee. 

Got coffee. 

Feel more awake. 

You’re so fucking sexy, have I told you that yet today? And I love you, I forgot to let you know. I always want to be near you, and I love hanging out with you. You’re so funny. 

Here’s your lyrics for today–

“Please

Stay

I want you, I need you

Oh God

Don’t
Take

These beautiful things that I’ve got.”

–Benson Boone

Here’s my manifestation for today–you and me naked in a hot tub with or without a titch of wine. I think everything is funny. You think I’m ridiculous. The mood changes. We catch each other’s eyes. You bite your lip like you do, and your eyes slide down my body. I come over to you and wrap my legs around you, taking your face in my hands and kissing you passionately. I love your mouth on mine. I kiss your neck and face and whisper, “I love you,” in your ear. “Mmmmmmmmm…..” you say, and put your hands on my ass, bringing me closer. We keep kissing while I run my hands down your body. We can’t get close enough. “You’re so fucking sexy,” I say, finding your clit. I rub gently, you put your head back, I kiss all over your neck. “Let’s get outta here,” you say…

To Be Continued…

8:57pm

I broke up with Motorcycle. It went okay. At first he made it about money, of course, like I was using him the whole time. I said if that were true, I would just fake it and he could keep sending me money.

Fuck that.

Then he said he wanted me to “think about what I am doing,” and that he didn’t want me to go.

It was painful, but it was worth it.

I don’t love him anymore, and I’m not about to keep telling him that I do. Daisy, Martha, and even Zuko all told me to stay with him until I get all my stuff back, but I just can’t do that. I asked him if he wanted somebody to come pick up my stuff, but he said no. I told him I would pay him back all the money that I owed him.

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Life Uncategorized

So, Bindi’s at It Again…Back to Court. For no Reason.

Welp, I had to file another Petition for Modification of Custody today, because my mother, Bindi, decided, out of the clear blue sky, apparently, that seven hours per week with my children, supervised by Motorcycle, is just too much.

She told me that I could have ONE hour with the boys today, with HER supervising.

When I asked her why, what changed, she replied with a scoff: “Ugh. I do NOT have to tell you that, Jessica.”

I said, “So you’re just not going to?”

She said, “I think I already answered that.”

This is after she took them to Vermont and Maine for nine days, so we haven’t seen each other at all for that length of time.

One hour, supervised.

When I pushed her, and said that they had never, ever NOT been taken care of while in my care, and that NOTHING bad has ever happened to warrant this, she said that if I took good care of them, then I wouldn’t have to worry.

I reminded her that YES, I DO have to worry, because she and my father think NOTHING of LYING UNDER OATH ABOUT ME, she hung up on me.

Here we go again.

Same old, same old.

And I have to represent myself, because I cannot afford a civil attorney.

It’s been one full year since I’ve been out of prison, and NOTHING bad has happened.

We’ll see what happens this time.

This should be interesting.

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Life Uncategorized

“Thinking Errors,” Dead Daughters, and Forgiving Bindi

The Women’s Center

May 23rd, 2018

Wednesday

Day 324

5am

I got up an hour ago. I’m afraid I’ve gone into a manic phase of my bipolar depression, because I can’t seem to sleep, yet I’m not tired during the day. It’s actually a nice change from being tired all of the time. Tori’s birthday is in two days. I have to think of something nice to do for her. Her son Jackson’s birthday was yesterday, which was hard for her. Today I have to write my mother a letter and get my driver’s license renewal sent out and give my “And Still She Laughs,” book to Sugar Momma and read the book of John in the Bible three times.

Whew!

Maybe that’s why I’m up early! I have a lot to do! I also have to pay taxes and other bills and I’d like to plant more in the garden. It rained last night a good bit–we’ll see how it looks today. My joints are definitely feeling the weather. I’m worried about Sugar Momma. She moaned and groaned and got up and sat back down and left the room three times and switched chairs with me because she was uncomfortable all during the inspirational video about Jesus last night, and at medication time, I finally asked her what her problem was with God. Her eyes welled up with tears when she said, “I’m just so mad! Why her and not me??!”

She was talking about her 22-year old daughter, Kayla, who died a mere four years ago from a heroin overdose. I didn’t know what to say, other than I knew how she felt. Maybe she should read my book, “Kidowed.” I had nothing but pure rage for well over a decade before I finally accepted the fact that God loves me and my children, and He chose me to be their mother, and that it was an honor and a privilege to serve Him in this way.

But Kayla (which is very similar to Kaylee, my daughter’s name) didn’t die of a fatal illness. She died by her own hand, for which Sugar Momma also probably has a fair amount of anger at. I never was put in the position of being angry with my children, but I can identify with her feeling that God took her from Sugar Momma, and I get the unfairness and betrayal in that.

Of course that’s not the way it works, but far be it for me to tell that to a bereaved mother, for people must come to these conclusions on their own, or they are rendered meaningless.

Maybe I’ll ask Mr. Big how he thinks that I can help her. I did pray for her, but she has to come to know several important things before she will be able to make peace with Kayla’s death, most of them God-centered. If she refuses, then she will be stuck in the same pitiful cycle of self-loathing, unrequited grief, anger, bitterness, and resentment that I was for so long, and that’s an extremely dangerous place for an addict to be.

Letter to my mother: 

Mom– (not Bindi) 5/23/2018

I’m sorry it took me this long to write, and I’m forever apologizing for my handwriting, but that never changes. 🙂

I wanted to tell you first and foremost that I forgive you. I have come to realize that I have an unforgiving spirit and that I carry a lot of resentments and bitterness in my heart, and I need to let these things go, or they will continue to destroy me.

Also, I wanted to tell you how much it meant to me that you made me a pillow, and that you thought of me at all on Mother’s Day. Yellow is my favorite color, and the saying was just beautiful. I hope you know that I mean these words from the bottom of my heart, and that I pray for you every day and wish you nothing but the best for you and your family.

I also hope and pray that you will give my children back to me when I get out of the Center in July, so that we don’t have to go through a long, drawn-out process in court, but if that is your will, then that’s what we’ll do. I have come to know that I deserve good things too in my life, and that I have forgiven myself too, which means that I have made the decision to stop punishing myself for past wrongs, and have started a new beginning. I hope that you take these words to heart, and that someday you will be able to forgive me.

I love you.

Love, 

Justine

8am

Time for Community Group. I’m grateful that I’m so awake today. Being tired all of the time sucks. Our community is still reeling from last night’s screaming match between Sandra and I, but today she seems better, and is talking about writing her essay. Maybe something I said (yelled) did stick.

12pm

“Repent…that times of refreshing may come.” (Acts 3:19 NIV)

9pm

We just got back from the meeting and Nikolai was sitting outside. As I got closer to her, I could see that her clothes were just hanging off of her and when I hugged her, I could feel all of her bones. Her eyes looked weird and her face was sunken in and she wouldn’t hold my concerned gaze and she said, “What?” twice when I asked her questions, even though I was peering right into her face and talking to her up close.

I have to pray for her right now.

Tori and I prayed.

I feel helpless to do anything to help her even though she is literally feet away from the Center. I’m going to bring her food tonight and give her my debit card. I have to trust that she’ll do the right thing and buy diapers and food and not drugs.

May 25th, 2018

Day 326

Friday

It’s Tori’s birthday today. She turns 28. Sugar Momma fell down in the hallway this morning and her blood pressure was super high. I wonder how Nickolai is doing. We’re currently watching an inspirational video on Will Smith talking about fault and responsibility. All three of my kids should be coming this weekend. Will Smith says that the difference between joy and depression is a sense of purpose to serve humanity.

I have to do laundry today.

I didn’t do so hot with eating yesterday–I ate too much. It seems like the more tired I am, the more I eat.

“Seek wisdom, and faith will follow.”

Fucking great. Big is freaking out because we didn’t follow the schedule last night and that I didn’t go to the meeting. I fucking sick and super tired!!!! Now I need a damn shower. Now we can’t smoke. 

FUCK.

Big is saying that it is everyone’s fault that we didn’t follow the schedule, which is completely unreasonable. We can’t control what the staff does! They’re the ones in charge around here!!

11:30am

Tori is taking her blood pressure while holding her breath–85/51!

Holy Crap, that makes her almost dead!

They took Sugar Momma to the hospital–I hope she’s okay.

I guess I have to make up names for the new women…..how about June and Diamond? Neither of them are staying here very long. Of course. Diamond can’t do much because she had a knee replacement a month ago, and it’s still not healed. She’s on Percocet, which pisses Big off. He tried to get her to sign a release to get it changed to something that wasn’t a controlled drug, but she would not sign it. Big and Elaine are talking about the time she puked and then vacuumed it up.

Gross.

It was vegetable lasagna. 

I guess I’ll read my Bible until  lunchtime. John 1:5: “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”

Now we’re talking with Mr. Big about the theory of human evolution. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…………………………………………………………….

Huh.

Mr Big’s father is a science teacher and his mother is a Christian, and they’re still married. Interesting.

Now we’re listening to Sandra read her essay on the proper way to communicate with others.

Now we’re in a group about thinking errors, which are:

  1. All or nothing statements and thinking.
  2. Catastrophizing.
  3. Manipulating.
  4. People pleasing. 

Oh, now Jolene is hijacking the group with her problems.

10pm

Random drug tests again. Not that it’s actually random–Tori and I get “chosen” every time. And, every time, I test positive for marijuana, and they they send it out and it’s negative.

Omg, June is weighing herself–122lbs. She’s obsessed with not eating–she says she only eats once per day, and she wants to weigh 106lbs. This is what women do to themselves when they have no control over their actual lives. They control their bodies, and usually destroy them in the process. It’s like suicide on the installment plan.

Take away a woman’s spirit, her bodily autonomy, her “what I was supposed to do with my life, but…” and she will hurt herself until she dies. 

Sometimes she eats too much. 

Sometimes she eats too little. 

Sometimes she cuts herself. 

This is what she has control over. 

This makes the pain of not being in charge of your own self less painful.

Almost all women now do a form of this self-harm, this slow suicide. Because inside, she is already dead, or parts of her are. The parts that contained her hopes and her dreams. 

And most of the time, this was taken away by the people that were supposed to love her the very most, like her parents, or her partner.

Craziness.

Wrong.

Bad.

And then the MEN, who think we have gone CRAZY, put us in jails and prisons and psych wards and Women’s Center’s, right?

And then they tell us that we have “Thinking Errors,” right?

Because they make the rules and not us, right?

I was sentenced to do time in this “Women’s Center” by a man.

This Women’s Center is run by a man.

So is most every jail or prison for women.

Made by men and for men.
And we’re told to behave. 

Just shut up and sit down and look pretty and smile, right?

We are sentenced to go to these places because of our behavior, when we act up, like standing up for our rights and stuff. 

Still.

Again.

Again still.

Women, from the beginning of time, have fought and died, and have been imprisoned in homes and in jails and in psych wards, and all of the rest, when men try to break our spirit.

Over.

And over.

And over again.

Well, I say it stops.

Right here, right now.

I just wish other women would listen to me.

But most of them have had men, and even other women, talking in their ears for their entire lives about how to behave and about what “works” and what “doesn’t work.”

Well, it’s time that women had a turn at the wheel.

‘Cuz men done fucked it the whole way up.