Tag: poetry

Categories
Life Uncategorized

Zuko Poems, Desire, and FRUSTRATION

MUNCY STATE PRISON

March 22nd, 2025

Saturday

Zuko wrote me:

Hey Gorgeous ♥️

I love the way you smile at me when we see each other for the first time in the morning. 🙂 You always look so beautiful. ♥️I look forward to the day when I can wrap my arms around you + kiss you. And you’ll snuggle into me, so I’ll hold you for awhile + then kiss your head + go start the coffee. 🙂 I love you. I love you so much Sweetheart. ♥️ Imma marry you, + we’ll be happy + in love for the rest of our lives. 🙂 We were made for each other + destined to find each other + fall in love. ♥️♥️ I’m so in love with you Sprout. I’m so grateful to have you by my side as we journey thru life together. ♥️

M’Lady! Watch out for poles and green sewer flames! 🙂 lol. I love you Baby. Always + forever. ♥️

So.

My shitbag cellie is gone–

[This just fell out of my journal when I turned the page: A small paper with a haiku on it that Zuko wrote me. It says:

Her smile melts me.

Gorgeous blue eyes meet my own.

We found each other.

Then there’s a red heart and inside it, it says:

J + T

2-3-25]

–now. 🙂Yay! That took care of itself, thankfully. 

BYE!

I didn’t realize how stressed she made me feel until she was gone. 

That sucked.

I’m sure you can relate since you had your own thief.

Anyway.

That ate up a lot of my free time, cuz I had to deal with her spazzing out earlier + then pack all her bullshit + then clean up the cell + take her bedding down. 😐

*sigh*

I love you. Thank you for writing me. It makes me feel better, cuz I have a better idea of what you’re thinking + how you’re feeling. You make my whole life better too. I’m honored that you want me to meet your kiddos. 🙂

I’m glad to be your “good reason” to be here.

I’m so happy our paths crossed in this pit.

You’re my silver lining too Babe. 🙂♥️

I’ll always care about you, especially when you don’t feel well. We get married multiple times a day, you should know I love you in good times + bad, sickness + health, etc.

I LOVE you.

I wrote Gem a letter:

Gem, 

I wish I could call you. I should see parole next week, but if they don’t parole me, I max out 6/26/25.

I have a favor to ask–can you pick me up from this hellhole?

You’ll have to coordinate with Motorcycle to bring me some clothes to wear, and more clothes to take to the Women’s Center. I talk to him about once a week these days.

He wanted to know if we could still have sex even though we aren’t together (eye roll).

I said no.

In other news, I’m in love with a woman here named Zuko. You can’t write anything about it on the kiosk, though.

The problem is that she’s here on a 20-40 year sentence for 3rd degree murder.

She shot her girlfriend and she died.

In my mind it was self-defense, but there’s no self-defense in Pennsylvania. The girlfriend was very abusive and tried to kill Zuko first.

But, it is what it is.

She’s seeing if she can get a new trial.

I never thought this would happen, but it did.

Everyone jokes about being gay in prison, but I really wasn’t expecting this.

It is nice to have a silver lining here.

It’s such a crappy place.

I can’t wait to leave.

Also–I’ve lost all the weight I gained back when I got out the last time and I’m skinny again–137lbs.

The food here is super bad.

Sorry I don’t message very much–Motorcycle doesn’t send money anymore and neither does Stryder, because he lost his job.

So these last few weeks are gonna suck.

Anyway, I love you and I miss you so much and I hope you are feeling better.

Love,

Justine

P.S. Tell Damion I’m happy for him 🙂

I wrote Zuko back:

Sweetheart, 

You look tired today. I’m feeling okay, but weirdly, my L hip hurts today. ← Sorry, throwback from writing in medical records all day.

I wrote Gem and told her about you. She’ll contact you on the kiosk then.

I also asked her if she can get my clothes from Motorcycle and pick me up from this hellhole, whenever that is.

My mom messaged me on the kiosk that she sent money and that Cool wants to see me before he goes back to Vermont. I don’t know if that will be possible, but I’ll try. 

It would be nice to see him.

I love you so much. You’re so good to me. Even when I’m a blob.

Thank you.

I love it that you’re always touching me when we sit together. I missed being touched. A lot. I love that you marry me multiple times a day too.

And that you “M’Lady!” me out of harm’s way.

I love you always, 

♥️Me ♥️

March 23, 2025

Sunday

8:50pm

Zuko cried tonight after she read the first part of “Down So Long.” It was a part where I wrote a poem to Motorcycle. She left a note in the page that said, “Fuck this shit. You don’t ever write me anything like this. I can’t read any more of this bullshit. Good luck. 💔”

Well, fuck.

Then she didn’t come down for Common Room right away. Then finally she did. More of this stuff about how I need to try harder. So that she knows I love her.

Fuck.

I must tell her a hundred times a day.

I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

Fuck.

March 24th, 2025

Monday

3:09pm

We finally went shopping today.

I wrote a poem for Zuko:

She Dances When She’s Happy

When he’s happy she dances

When she’s sad she cries

Tears like crystals

From her pretty green eyes

I love her smile, her eyes, her hips

I fantasize about her

Pressed against my lips

She’s beautiful and funny

Witty and smart

She draws little pictures

She has my heart

When she’s happy, she dances

To music in her head

I hope she’ll give me chances

To keep her hungry hands fed

She calls me “Baby,” and “Beautiful” and “Sprout”

While other people wonder

What that’s all about

I revel in her spirit

Swim around in her love

She seems heaven-sent

Like an angel from above

When she’s happy, she dances

When she’s sad, she cries

Tears like crystals

From her pretty green eyes

Freedom

“I’m not going without you,”

She whispered into the dark,

Her love looked at her sadly

“This is gonna leave a mark,”

She thought, as her hand brushed her face

On my soul:

The grief, the pain

The heartbreaking way it rained

She looked into my eyes

While we said our goodbyes

In this place of hard metal, razor-wire and bars

This goodbye isn’t forever

It was written in the stars

That we would be together

Even if not right away

“I don’t want you to go, I want you to stay”

“I know darling,” she said, 

“But there are things I must do,

So that we can be together

So you can be free too,

Wait for me, darling,

Wait for me some

I’ll come back to get you

We’ll have so much fun

Laughing and dancing

Making love all night

Signing silly songs

Under the moonlight

Just look a the sky

We’re under the same sun

Life will be so sweet

When we both have freedom.”

I hope Zuko likes my poems.

I hope she knows I love her.

I told her I would do better.

She says I don’t have to write her poetry.

I say I do.

She cried when she read the second poem.

10:28pm

Jesus Christ. 

I’m so turned on I don’t know what to do with myself. The way Zuko touches me, I can’t get enough of it. 

I want her.

Badly.

She wants me too, which is such a turn-on. 

When I look at her after we kiss, I can see the embers of white-hot desire burning in her eyes. 

I feel like I could drown in it. 

And it would feel..so…good.

It’s fucking sexy and I love it.

Maybe I’ll write a poem about THAT.

Desire

White hot desire

Burning in her eyes

I can’t think straight anymore

With her hand between my thighs

She touches me gently

I gasp into her mouth

I get a hard rush…

Then someone walks in and ruins the moment, just like this fucking poem.

THE END

Good fucking night.

Good Lord, as Zuko would say.

I should write a poem called FRUSTRATION.

Categories
Life Uncategorized

Bitching, Big, and Surrender

Potter County Women’s Recovery Center

May 30th, 2018

Wednesday

Day 331

8am

Everyone is just bitching incessantly today–it’s exhausting just to listen to. I just can’t fucking wait to get out of here so bad. Now we’re waiting for everyone to get around for Community. Jolene say she needs to shave her tush.

Funny.

I need to shave my legs.

10am

Well, Community was fun. Mr. Big encouraged us to call each other out and be honest in Community about what people are doing wrong. There was just a super hot guy on TV and Jolene said she almost creamed in her pants.

*sigh*

Me too.

Now she’s talking about something called Neflins existing before Adam and Eve. 

I know nothing about that.

John 20:29: “Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” –Jesus

Now we have “Healthy Relationships” group with the woman from A Way Out. She brought a board game, but she doesn’t know how to play it.

Hm.

11am

Chore time.

Jolene is discussing her situation with her ex with the A Way Out lady. Maybe she’ll finally get her PFA that she wants (and deserves).

John 20:31: “…but these are written so that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name.”

John 21:25: “Now there are also many other things that Jesus did. Were every one of them to be written, I suppose that the world itself could not contain the books that would be written.”

1pm

Now we have Drug and Alcohol group. Today we are writing a letter to our addiction. 

Here’s mine:

From the time I was small, 

Until when I was tall, 

I knew life would be rough, 

And I’d have to be tough.

But you took it to another level, 

From that first needle bevel,

Going into my vein, 

Nothing would ever be the same.

I’d lie and I’d cheat, 

And you knew I’d be beat, 

But I didn’t care, 

You had me in your snare.

But things will be different now,
And I will tell you how.

First comes my Higher Power, 

I no longer have to cower.

Then comes me, 

And my little three.

I know if you had your druthers, 

I’d be dead, six feet under. 

But I no longer have to be scared, 

For, alas, I have been spared.

I have nothing but hate for you now, 

And this is my solemn vow:

I simply love life too much, 

To ever again use you as a crutch.

Very Sincerely, 

Justine

6:30pm 

God. 

Everyone is bitching like crazy right now.

May 31st, 2018

Thursday

Day 332

2pm

Now we’re doing a group on things nobody knows about us. We were supposed to do Community Service, but then Sugar Momma fell down again, so we stayed here. Brenda lived in 22 different homes growing up, and Jo is a triplet. Sandra just said, “Four kids is bad enough!!”

Asshole.

If people don’t want kids, why do they keep having more?!

Ugh.

Grammy is sleeping with her tongue hanging out, which is kind of funny.

10pm

Gawd.

Jo is freaking out again, this time because she’s been pitting first shift against second shift, telling second shift that first shift told her she can smoke at meetings, which is not true. She is only allowed to smoke two cigarettes per day because she gets in trouble so often.

This morning she went so far as to write Tori a note to see if Tori would ask me for my pills!! Of course, I made her show the note to Kat.

I want to scream at Jo–”BITCH, PUT THE SHOVEL DOWN!!”

Geezoman.

When is she going to learn?

I tell her to stop asking me, so she thinks Tori will??

WhatEVER.

Tomorrow I have to get online and see if I can find a place for Tori and I to live when we get out.

GOOD. 

NIGHT!!

June 1st, 2018 

Friday

Day 333

8am

Mr. Big looks hot today. But what am I talking about? He looks hot every day. I had more dreams about him when I went to bed last night.

God.

I fantasize about him when I’m awake, I fantasize about him when I’m asleep…it’s exhausting.

Ugh.

Now he’s in the room. I’ve got to stop.

Anyway…….doot….de doot…..de doooooooooot….not thinking about him at all…..yeah, right.

9am

Inspirational Group

The average American will meet 10,000 people in his or her lifetime. 

Lessons from Admiral speech: (inspirational)

If you want to change the world:

  1. Make your bed every morning.
  2. Ask for help.
  3. Measure people by the size of their heart.
  4. Keep moving forward.
  5. Don’t be afraid of failure (it makes you stronger).
  6. Sometimes you have to slide through the obstacles head first.
  7. Don’t back down.
  8. Be your very best during your darkest moments.
  9. Give hope to others, never give up.
  10. Respect everyone.

11am

I sweated my ass off in Gym. Now I get to sweep and mop the giant dining room floor. I’m finally doing my laundry too. Stupid Jo didn’t go to Gym, so she’s in even more trouble. I guess I’ll get on the computer for 15 minutes and look up apartments.

No luck with apartments. There’s one in Port Allegany that I might consider if it’s okay with Tori.

2:30pm

Big left for the day. Inspirational quote on the board (from And Still She Laughs, by Kate Merrick):

“And so I surrendered. I surrendered the idea that I can play God and control the outcome of my life. I surrendered the sinful attitudes, the self pity, the ugly fits. I surrendered the kicking of feet and lashing out at the One who is carrying me. I surrendered the wasting of time, sitting around paralyzed because I can’t get past the mess my life has become or the disappointments I have suffered. I surrendered what I had been holding back, all the love and adoration I had been withholding from God out of a broken heart: stingy, petulant, and hoarding affection.”

“In all their suffering, He also suffered.”

–Isaiah 63:9

10pm

Watching TV for the first time in over a month. I’m finally off of Restriction. I bought hair dye tonight–I can’t wait to dye my hair, but we’re only allowed to do it on the weekends, so it’ll have to wait until tomorrow.

Tori does not want to live in Port Allegany, which sucks super bad, because I was kind of hopeful about it.

Ugh.

Now “Knocked Up” is on–for the millionth time.

Categories
Life

Those Were the Best Days of My Life…

4/3/24 

Wednesday

Motorcycle’s surgery is tomorrow. I got my radio today–yay! Except I can’t find NPR. 

Ugh. 

Oh well–music is better than no music. 

10am

I talked to Gem, so that was nice. Her friend’s dog died. I told her about the Puppy Program here in prison.

I have to go push Ms. Grumpy Crabass to insulin in the rain now. It’s supposed to snow for three days now. I have no e-cigs and am a little miserable. I got some bloodwork this morning, from the only good vein left on my body. Good to know there is one, at least.

I dreamed last night about shooting up. 

Ugh.

10:47am

I turned on the radio earlier and heard the old country song “Wild Angels.” Maybe that’s who’s looking out for me lately. I’ll take it. I prayed to God earlier today for the first time in a long time. 

Yesterday somebody in Med Line asked me and Daisy if we were sisters because we were laughing so much. She’s so funny.

Burgundy is still being a dick. She reminds me of Sassypants sometimes. Same passive-aggressive (or just plain aggressive) crappy attitude if you don’t do what she thinks you should be doing. Like cleaning the floor. I am not about to get down on my hands and knees and this hard, shitty floor where I don’t fucking live and hurt myself by rubbing a sanitary pad around the floor. 

Whatever.

And she called me a racist, so fuck her. I hope she leaves soon. I can’t wait until cigarettes Friday.

On the radio:

“My Daddy gave me a name

And then he walked away…

Father of mine…

Tell me where have you been

Father of mine

Tell me how do you sleep…

Now I’m a grown man

With a child of my own…

And he’ll never know

The pain I have known…

If You Lose, the Devil Gets Your Soul–a poem of song lyrics

Bloodshot eyes

Red blood, white snow

Made me lose my breath

The world is on fire

Cut me to the bone

Death, and other penalties

There ain’t no easy way out

I’ll pretend my ship’s not sinking

Shall we dance?

Who wants to fit in anyway?

Was it over?

Is it over now?

Hey–don’t write yourself off yet

Do your best 

Live right now

A man and his will to survive

Blind faith

Amazing grace

Rising up

Gotta have high, high hopes

We’ll make a legacy

Always had a vision

Momma said, “Don’t give up”

We wanted everything

I saw the rising sun

Sometimes your heart’s pounding

Out of your chest, sometimes it’s 

Just beating

You feel that fire

Your clear eyes ain’t even blinking

I’ll stand my ground

No I won’t back down

Must’ve been wild angels

I could swear I heard the sound of

Beating wings

1:40pm 

I wrote Motorcycle and included my impromptu poem. When I talked to Gem this morning, she told me that Paul is complaining all over Facebook about how depressed he is. I still can’t believe he never apologized to me or contacted me at all.

Whatever. 

4pm

I’ve heard both Dolly Parton and Whitney Houston sing “I Will Always Love You” today.

5pm

“Summer of ‘69” is on the radio. Yesterday this sometimes-funny CO, Monster, spoke this whole song like it was a story. It was really funny how matter-of-fact he was about it:

“Standing on your mother’s porch,

The way you held my hand,

I knew that it was now or never,

Those were the best days of my life…”