Tag: Mental Health

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Seven’s, Walking the Walk, and Jesus Christ

October 25th, 2025

Sunday

3:35pm

I am seeing tons of 7’s today. Then I went on Facebook, and the first thing that comes up is a mystic saying that, in the 15 years that she’s been “seeing” and “reading” things, she’s never quite had this big of a feeling, and that, “The world is going through a transmutation right now.”

Well, I have no idea what that means, so I look up the word “transmutation,” naturally, and get this: “a transmutation is the complete change of one substance, form, nature, element, or species into another.”

Huh.

And then there’s all of the seven’s. And the three’s.

Angel number 777 is a powerful symbol of spiritual awakening, divine alignment, and inner wisdom. When you repeatedly see this number sequence on receipts, clocks, or license plates, modern numerology interprets it as a sign that you are on the right path and in deep harmony with the universe.

Unlike other numbers that focus on external shifts—like 111 for new beginnings or 888 for material success—the energy of 777 points entirely inward.

Core Meanings of 777

• Spiritual Awakening: It signals a time of personal evolution and heightened self-awareness.

• Trusting Intuition: Seeing 777 is a gentle reminder to stop overthinking and rely on your inner knowing.

• Divine Reassurance: It serves as a celestial “green light” confirming that your current path aligns with your soul’s purpose.

• Earned Good Fortune: While many associate the number 7 with raw luck, spiritually it implies you are reaping rewards from the quiet, inner work you’ve already done.

The Numerology Breakdown

In classical numerology, the single digit 7 is the number of the seeker, the mystic, and the philosopher. It rules the interior life, introspection, and hidden knowledge. Tripling this digit amplifies its energy exponentially.

Furthermore, adding the digits together (7 + 7 + 7 = 21) and reducing them (2 + 1 = 3) reveals the underlying energy of the number 3, which represents creative expression, communication, and connection to higher guidance.

Angel number 333 is a powerful symbol of growth, creative expansion, and divine alignment. While 777 focuses entirely on quiet, internal introspection, seeing 333 is an active, outward-moving call from the universe. It serves as a spiritual green light to express your truth, make pending decisions, and step boldly into your next chapter.

Core Meanings of 333

  • Personal & Professional Growth: It indicates that you are in a phase of rapid evolution across your career, relationships, and self-love.
  • Creative Expression: The number 3 rules communication, collaboration, and artistry. Seeing it tripled encourages you to share your ideas and use your voice without fear.
  • Mind, Body, & Spirit Balance: The structure of 333 represents the ultimate tripod of stability (the triangle being nature’s strongest shape). It prompts you to check if your physical, mental, and spiritual health are in alignment.
  • Spiritual Support & Protection: Culturally, 333 is deeply tied to the presence of spiritual guides, guardian angels, or “Ascended Masters” (like Buddha or Jesus). It is a comforting reminder that you are not walking alone

The Numerology Breakdown

In classical numerology, the single digit 3 represents the birth of an idea, social energy, and joy. It is the spark that occurs when two forces synthesize to create something entirely new. Tripling this digit multiplies its generative and expressive power.

Furthermore, adding the digits together (3 + 3 + 3 = 9) connects 333 to the energy of the number 9. In numerology, 9 represents deep universal wisdom, humanitarianism, and the successful completion of a major cycle, ensuring that your current growth has a solid foundation.

So those are my angel numbers for the day.

I got to thinking today, you know, what if I really was Jesus Christ?

I keep having these blackout psychotic episodes, where I think I’m Jesus, which keep getting closer and closer together, actually, and not further apart, like they’re supposed to, with medical management and therapy, and take these 15 or 16 pills and bla, bla, and do this, and do that, and stand on your head, and do cartwheels, and jumping jacks, and all at the same time, okay please?!

What if IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…….actually walked the walk for a year?

Then, at 2:20pm, smack in the middle of me experiencing all if this stuff, the Abundant Alchemist on a Facebook reel said all of this stuff about being your true self, and then said that if you believe in this stuff, then drop a “777” in the comments.

MORE 7’s!

Anyway–

Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike….what would that look like?

Like–I already live on basically nothing, and help people wherever I can, sooooooooooooooo….what would that look like?

I would have to:

  1. Stop eating meat, for sure, and be vegan, because it is the most responsible thing to do for the planet. If you don’t believe me, look it up. The #2 thing behind vehicle pollution that is causing global warming is factory farming–the planet simply cannot sustain people eating meat three meals a day, and our bodies weren’t meant to anyway–that’s why Coronary Artery Disease is the #1 killer in America. And if you think that hunting and killing all the rest of the remaining wildlife on the planet is the answer, well, you’re just wrong, and that’s absurd. Yooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuu know?
  2. Use only reusable, sustainable stuff. No single use plastics. Ever. That would be really hard. Like–no buying candy bars at the grocery counter and then throwing away the wrapper. If I want a candy bar, I’m going to have to buy the ingredients and make it myself. Yoooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuu know?
  3. Grow my own food this year. With heirloom, non-GMO seeds. That’s simple enough.
  4. Use non-toxic, earth-friendly cleaning supplies from a refillery. Luckily–there is one in the town of Coudersport, PA, called Love, Evelyn! Yay!
  5. Live stream my life.
  6. Start 11/27/26, with The Summons–a FREE workshop that anyone can attend–(The ReWilding of Women), here’s the link–   https://rewildingway.com/the-summons/?fbclid=IwY2xjawVLhPBleHRuA2FlbQIxMABwZG9mBWJyaWQRMTdqWVhNWjE1bFZXNkpOSThzcnRjBmFwcF9pZBAyMjIwMzkxNzg4MjAwODkyAAEeNxfBHM7VYHNdsWs8HYoo5oCsjmbNqBTQ5uKkwL0Mig7X3LBV9Pn0234-aW0_aem_SGIdY53amXKjsOgpWCIMJg end with a Women’s Three Day Work Stoppage and March on Washington 11/27/27!
  7. WALK the WALK for ONE YEAR! YEAH!
  8. Lead With LOVE–Do My Very Best To Be Nice, Gracious, and Loving to Everyone I Meet–no excuses!!
  9. Right Wrongs When I Can!
  10. Teach Others to Do These Things!

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeecause…if we ALL did this, THEN WE COULD SAVE THE WORLD!!

Yooooooooooooouuuuu KNOW?

Because here’s the thing, and I’m being super honest when I say this–the people I love the most don’t do the things that I do.

They don’t compost.

They don’t recycle.

They don’t fucking garden, or feed their pets–or themselves–organic foods, so that they don’t get sick and die early of cancer, and heart and lung and other organ diseases.

They don’t.

They eat shit, and complain that they have gas, and chronic diarrhea, and they cough and throw up all of the time, and they have to have organs removed because of cancer, and their animals die young because they eat what they eat, and they’re obese too, and bla-de-bla-de-bla.

You know?

They just don’t give a shit.

About anything.

But themselves.

They eat chicken wings because they taste good, you know?

No matter that it’s 80 degrees on Christmas now because of it, and the polar bears are skeletons, and the oceans are boiling the fish alive.

No matter.

Eh.

It is what it is.

It tastes good.

And plastic is convenient.

No matter that it takes 100 years to break down, and releases tons of heat when it does, like, when it settles, like, at the bottom of the ocean, which is like, supposed to be one of the coldest places on Earth.

You know?

It’s whatever.

They don’t care.

Motorcycle burns plastic.

Gem had a kidney removed because of cancer and smokes like a fucking chimney and eats garbage every day.

She takes Mounjaro, though, so don’t worry.

Her little dog just died at 12 because of heart disease because he had to breathe her second-hand smoke for his entire life, but when I told her that she was selfish and horrible and only ever thought of herself for calling herself “poor,” like me, when she gets her hair and nails professionally done every five minutes–toenails too–and has to compulsively shop for clothes she will never wear every day, I ended up being the one who had to apologize, and pay her gas money for picking me up from the next town over, while she pays $300 for her next designer dog.

You know?

Paul eats so poorly that his digestive system is at war with him constantly, and he burps and farts like the tin man on the Wizard of Oz squeaks and squawks, with every movement.

That’s what a lifetime of McDonald’s and ice cream for breakfast, lunch, and dinner will get you, I guess, along with a years-long heavy addiction to root beer, which is high in processing chemicals, sugar, and high fructose corn syrup.

He has GERD so bad that he has had to have surgery twice now to have polyps removed on his vocal cords, not to mention the pre-cancerous intestinal polyps.

No matter.

They simply do not care, and no amount of care from me does any good at all.

So there’s that.

These are the people in my life who say that they love me the most.

I’m not sure what they’ll think of me after this post.

I guess we’ll find out.

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Psychotic Break Number ?

October 13th, 2026

Tuesday

1:10pm

The 0101 angel number (or 01:01 on a clock) is a spiritual sign representing fresh starts, inner alignment, and a prompt to trust your intuition.

Core Numerological Meanings

• Number 1: Symbolizes new beginnings, self-leadership, willpower, and creation.

• Number 0: Amplifies adjacent energies, representing infinite potential, the divine source, and spiritual flow.

• Combined Energy (0101): Functions as a celestial “green light” or wake-up call to step out of your comfort zone and take action on your personal growth.

Key Spiritual Themes

• New Beginnings: According to wikiHow, it signals a positive, optimistic shift or a clean slate in your life’s path.

• Heightened Intuition: It encourages you to lean on your inner guidance and higher self rather than relying solely on outside opinions.

• Personal Development in Love: In relationships, it highlights the need for self-love, emotional clarity, and a positive mindset before building or renewing a connection

Balance and Duality: The alternating sequence points to the harmony between inner reflection (0) and outer action.

1:25pm

So, I didn’t save the world again.

I did, however, manage to forgive my mother, which had a startlingly lightening effect, like a literal lifting of a burden off of my shoulders, it felt like.

Like I could even breathe easier.

She apologized.

For the way she treated me when I was little.

So, I forgave her.

This, in a dark, cold hospital room, after the police brought me in–me in blue paper “clothing”– handcuffed and bleeding from the knees, bruises on my arms where they twisted them behind my back to be arrested for “Disorderly Conduct.”

I forgave her.

For she was just a child herself.

Maybe, in another world, in a different age, I would have been a rotten mother too, to a set of unwanted and ashamedly born twins. 

She asked if she could hug me.

I said yes.

She reminds me of Sassypants, my cellmate, who murdered her two, or was it three (?), children. 

Not a motherly bone in her body.

Never for me, anyway.

Does things because she “should.”

Adheres strictly to sets of rules.

She said when she came in, “I came because you said last time nobody even showed up.”

I said, with my face already puffy from sobbing, now with new tears welling up,

“Yeah.”

“That’s how people show that they care, Mom (which came out “bob,” because my nose was so stuffed up).

“They show up.”

She then shocked the living hell out of me by coming over to me and hugging me fiercely, while whispering in my ear, “We CARE about you, Jessica.”

Which made me cry harder.

Why do I never feel that?

3pm

Angel number 0300 blends the amplification of zero with the creative and spiritual vibrations of three, serving as a divine reminder to trust your intuition and focus on personal growth despite any lack of clarity. In numerology, this sequence carries specific symbolic meanings broken down by its digits.

Core Meanings of 0300

• The Number 0: Represents eternity, wholeness, potential, and the beginning of a spiritual journey. Doubled as ’00’, it magnifies the universal energies and God-force surrounding you.

• The Number 3: Symbolizes creativity, self-expression, optimism, and the presence of ascended masters guiding your path.

• Combined Energy (300): Acts as a conscious nudge to let go of doubts, listen to your gut feelings, and appreciate the support of the universe and people who helped you succeed.

Key Themes

• Clarity: Do not let uncertainty paralyze your next steps; focus on what brings fulfillment right now.

• Intuition: Pay close attention to your inner voice and gut feelings.

•  Pay close attention to your inner voice and gut feelings.

• Gratitude: Acknowledge the divine support and meaningful relationships in your life.

I told Motorcycle that I release him. He can be free from forever looking after me, and being my keeper.

It must be a relief, to him.

I hope it is, anyhow.

I’m not good for his mental health, and I know this about myself.

The episodes are closer and closer together now, making the roller coaster ride unbearable.

It is too much for one man to bear, and it isn’t fair of me to ask him to.

I release you.

Be free.

3:22pm

Angel number 0303 symbolizes creativity, communication, self-expression, and divine guidance for fresh opportunities in your life.

Core Numerology Breakdown

• The Number 3: Represents imagination, inspiration, social connection, communication, and creative expression.

• The Number 0: Amplifies the numbers around it and represents infinite potential, divine energy, and spiritual alignment.

• The Sum (0 + 3 + 0 + 3 = 6): Reduces to the number 6, which vibrates with themes of home, harmony, responsibility, and love for those closest to you.

• Guidance and Signs: Combinations of 3 and 0 are a sign from the universe to listen to your inner voice and trust divine timing.

So, that’s the gist of it.

I stood in the road.

I said I was Jesus.

The police came and tackled me.

Motorcycle 302’d me, however, since I didn’t hurt anyone or say I was going to hurt myself, they couldn’t hold me legally. 

Eventually came in and just said there was a “snafu” with the 302 and they couldn’t legally hold me.

So, I sat in a paper gown and cried for 12 hours, and had to ask for basic necessities like food and water, and soap, and toothpaste.

That’s how UPMC treats mental health patients.

Like animals.

Like inmates, in fact.

I would know.

I must have heard the word “policy” over 100 times in that 12 hours, because I kept asking questions about why they were treating me so very poorly.

They wouldn’t give me any of my personal belongings, lest I kill myself with them.

Motorcycle brought my computer, which I begged and begged for, so that I could write, and do something therapeutic, at least, in this wasteland that they deem a “hospital,” where unwell people are apparently supposed to be able to heal of their own accord, without any help at all from the staff of the “hospital.” 

But I might have strangled myself with the cords, a man mentioned.

So there’s that.

They give you nothing.

Not even a pen and paper, or a book or something. They just sit and stare at you, and type in their computer anything that you say.

That is how psychotic, or suicidal, patients are treated, I guess, at this “non-profit” “hospital” they call UPMC Cole, here in Coudersport, Pennsylvania. 

Apparently there is something therapeutic about blue paper suits.

Maybe the people wearing “suits” who make the “policies” about how human beings are treated when they have a mental breakdown should have to be degraded into getting stripped naked of all of their personal clothes and belongings, including any jewelry–like wedding rings–that they have on, and be placed into a blue paper suit, and then be put into a room with nothing, except only another person staring at you, writing down what you say, while they are making their “policies.”

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Pickle Suits and Breaking Zuko’s Heart…

MUNCY STATE PRISON

March 10th, 2025

Monday

5pm

So, I spent the weekend in the POC, whatever that stands for. Generally, it’s for people who are a danger to themselves or others.

I was having a manic episode.

Psychiatric Observation Cell is what the CO just told me.

What a fucking nightmare.

No soap, no toothbrush or toothpaste, get naked and be put in a “pickle suit (basically a blanket that you wear),” no books, no TV.

For three days, until someone from Psych came in.

Thank God for Ativan.

My blood pressure was 150/111, Heart Rate: 127 resting.

I never thought I’d be so happy to see BB Unit at SCI-Muncy.

I hurt Zuko badly while I was manic.

Here is a note she gave me today:

From Zuko’s Journal:

“I’m just sitting there completely shocked, heartbroken + crushed, crying and snotting all over myself, thinking, ‘I’m missing the City match for this.’ 

You HURT me. I’ve been crying for hours, stopping long enough to slog through my job + get pizza.

I have no idea how I can be a better partner for you. I always think about you + wanna make sure you’re OK. If you’re hungry, I cook for you. If you’re cold, I give you everything I have to keep warm. If you’re sad, I try to cheer you up. If you’re tired, I let you sleep. I pay attention to the important stuff in your life. I try to make it clear every day that I love you; not just telling you, but showing you. 

But for some reason, you don’t trust me or believe me.

You doubt me and you think you’re wasting your time with me.

That HURTS.

Why do you think I’m still in love with Tyson??

Cuz I tell you about wtf she’s doing?

I promised I would tell you anything that happens involving her so that nothing is hidden + I’m being upfront + honest about everything. She goes out of her way to be an asshole and talk to my friends. I NEVER seek her out. So am I supposed to tell you everything or not? 

Cuz I’m confused.

At no point were you + I together when her and I were together. There was a solid month in between. I never accuse you of not loving me, + YOU were in a relationship with someone else at the same time we were together. Telling him you love him and whatever TF else you’d say. You go out of your way to talk to him, + your other fuck buddy, + I just deal with it.

No, I don’t like it at all, but I don’t tell you not to do anything, or say you don’t love me.

They are part of the reason you’re locked up and don’t have your kids, of course I don’t like them.

How would you feel if my X was still alive, telling me she loves me + she’s sorry she’s the reason I’m locked up + will never see my dogs again, but we’re gonna get back together? And I take time away from you so I can be with her…how would you feel? 

It’s not fair to me.

But I don’t try to control your life, + I don’t accuse you of not loving me.

You think I’m an asshole cuz I get annoyed about stupid shit.

I warned you and apologized ahead of time that I get irrationally annoyed about shit on my period.

I’m aware it happens, but I can’t stop it.

I would get super annoyed at my dogs for looking at me, + I love them so much I’m doing 20-40 + facing eternal damnation for them.

Of course the people/things that usually get on my nerves are gonna be extra annoying when I’m getting my period. 

I’ll just keep to myself from now on.

I told you about my friend getting killed cuz it was very traumatic for me. And I DID explain how that song and that bitch are related, but I guess you weren’t listening. She loved that song + insisted it be played at our Middle School Dance so she and her cheerleader friends could do some dance they made up. 

I’m trying to share my life with you; the good + the bad.

Do you want me to stop?

Cuz I’ll keep all my hurt + pain to myself + sit there quietly when I’m upset, + you’ll never know who I really am.

I don’t know what you want from me.

I’m doing my best, but you don’t think it’s good enough.

I’m honestly just baffled, + once again, I was happily going about my life loving you, thinking things are going great with us, only to find out you think I’m some hateful asshole that’s still in love with my X, + you think our relationship is a waste of time.

But as much as this hurts, at least you were honest and told me how you feel, so thanks.

*sigh*

Apparently you POC’d yourself.

Martha told me she took you down to Medical.

Why her?

Fuck this whole fucking weekend.

CO Dickey Do refuses to tell me anything, but she somehow is getting all the info/updates about you, so I’m forced to talk to her FAB self. Everyone keeps asking me wtf happened, but I have no idea.

And you know the fucked up part?

As much as you fuckin tore my heart up, I’m still worried about you, hoping you’re OK and warm enough. I’ve been crying off + on for around 36 hours cuz of you, + I STILL love you.

Cuz that’s the type of stupid fucking person I am.

What even happened?

You weren’t back from your visit when I got back from lunch, + I looked for you before I was gonna nap + you were in your bunk sleeping, like we talked about. I have no idea when or if you’re coming back. 

I’m so fucking hurt right now, cuz of you, but I just wanna hug you. 

Cuz I love you, ya fuckin jerk.

Stop hurting me.

I don’t deserve it.

Obsidian did some scouting for me + said you’d be back this afternoon or tom. A.m., + then Officer Colostomy Bag just said, “Your friend is coming back,” outta nowhere while I was getting water.

So you’ll be back when they resume movement.

I’m giving this to you so you know how I feel.

The lyrics and drawing too.

If you think this is a waste of time, fine, then let’s stop wasting time.

And if you wanna be with me, OK, but stop treating me like shit. 

I don’t deserve it + I’m not gonna put up with it.

I do nothing but love you, + if that’s not enough, so be it.”

My reply:

“It’s a hell of a thing to not be able to trust your own brain. 

If you don’t trust me, I completely understand.

I don’t trust me.

I have learned the hard way that I am at times irrational and even delusional when I seem completely normal. 

I feel like I don’t deserve you. 

I have a lot of flaws–one of which is that I’m more broken than I’d like to admit.

I know in my heart that you are doing the best that you can.

I don’t know how to say I’m sorry so that you will believe me.

There’s nothing I can do about my expressionless face.

That’s just my face.

I wish I could kiss and hug you.

I love you so much.

I don’t know what else to say.

I’m sorry.

My brain lies to me sometimes. 

Other times it tries to kill me.

I can’t help it.

If I knew what caused it, I would prevent it.

It helps me if people near me tell me when I’m being irrational, because I don’t know. 

If you can’t do this, I completely understand.

I don’t want to be the one abusing you.

I love you.”

Here’s a Fiona Apple song that Zuko included called “Oh Well.”

“What you did to me made me see

Myself something different

Though I try to talk sense to myself,

But I just won’t listen.

Won’t you go away, turn yourself in, you’re no good at confession.

Before the image that you burn me in

Tries to teach you a lesson.

What you did to me made me see

Myself something awful.

A voice of stentorian (loud, powerful) is now again

Meek and muffled.

It took me such a long time to get back up

The first time you did it.

Spent all I had to get it back + now it seems 

I’ve been outbidded.

My peace and quiet was stolen from me,

When I was looking with calm affection, 

You were searching out my imperfections.

What wasted unconditional love

On somebody who doesn’t believe in the stuff.

You came upon me like a hypnic jerk

When I was just about settled.

When it counts, you recoil with a cryptic word,

And leave love belittled.

On what a cold + common old way to go

When I was feeding the need for you to 

Know me.

Devastated at the rate you fell

Below me.

What wasted unconditional love,

On somebody who doesn’t believe in the stuff.

Oh well.”


Then she drew a drawing that had two emoji’s–one smiley-faced one with hearts for eyes that is her and saying, “You’re beautiful and I love you so much!” with a cloud bubble above her head thinking, “I love holding her hand, I gotta do it the special way, so I don’t accidentally hurt her.” 

And then there’s me, with a nothing expression on my face–mouth in a straight line–thinking, “She’s such an asshole.”

March 12th, 2025

Wednesday

8:25am

I have a mandatory PRT mental health appointment at 9am. They’re probably going to ask me why I said I was fine the other day when I saw them and then had a mental break.

Oh well.

Things between me and Zuko seem better. 

That was really rough.

I was afraid she was going to break up with me.

She almost did.

I have to learn how to communicate better. 

She needs more from me than I’m giving her.

9:51am

PRT went fine. The people basically just wanted to know what happened, so I told them.

I have to clean the bathroom in a few minutes.

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Bitching, Big, and Surrender

Potter County Women’s Recovery Center

May 30th, 2018

Wednesday

Day 331

8am

Everyone is just bitching incessantly today–it’s exhausting just to listen to. I just can’t fucking wait to get out of here so bad. Now we’re waiting for everyone to get around for Community. Jolene say she needs to shave her tush.

Funny.

I need to shave my legs.

10am

Well, Community was fun. Mr. Big encouraged us to call each other out and be honest in Community about what people are doing wrong. There was just a super hot guy on TV and Jolene said she almost creamed in her pants.

*sigh*

Me too.

Now she’s talking about something called Neflins existing before Adam and Eve. 

I know nothing about that.

John 20:29: “Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” –Jesus

Now we have “Healthy Relationships” group with the woman from A Way Out. She brought a board game, but she doesn’t know how to play it.

Hm.

11am

Chore time.

Jolene is discussing her situation with her ex with the A Way Out lady. Maybe she’ll finally get her PFA that she wants (and deserves).

John 20:31: “…but these are written so that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name.”

John 21:25: “Now there are also many other things that Jesus did. Were every one of them to be written, I suppose that the world itself could not contain the books that would be written.”

1pm

Now we have Drug and Alcohol group. Today we are writing a letter to our addiction. 

Here’s mine:

From the time I was small, 

Until when I was tall, 

I knew life would be rough, 

And I’d have to be tough.

But you took it to another level, 

From that first needle bevel,

Going into my vein, 

Nothing would ever be the same.

I’d lie and I’d cheat, 

And you knew I’d be beat, 

But I didn’t care, 

You had me in your snare.

But things will be different now,
And I will tell you how.

First comes my Higher Power, 

I no longer have to cower.

Then comes me, 

And my little three.

I know if you had your druthers, 

I’d be dead, six feet under. 

But I no longer have to be scared, 

For, alas, I have been spared.

I have nothing but hate for you now, 

And this is my solemn vow:

I simply love life too much, 

To ever again use you as a crutch.

Very Sincerely, 

Justine

6:30pm 

God. 

Everyone is bitching like crazy right now.

May 31st, 2018

Thursday

Day 332

2pm

Now we’re doing a group on things nobody knows about us. We were supposed to do Community Service, but then Sugar Momma fell down again, so we stayed here. Brenda lived in 22 different homes growing up, and Jo is a triplet. Sandra just said, “Four kids is bad enough!!”

Asshole.

If people don’t want kids, why do they keep having more?!

Ugh.

Grammy is sleeping with her tongue hanging out, which is kind of funny.

10pm

Gawd.

Jo is freaking out again, this time because she’s been pitting first shift against second shift, telling second shift that first shift told her she can smoke at meetings, which is not true. She is only allowed to smoke two cigarettes per day because she gets in trouble so often.

This morning she went so far as to write Tori a note to see if Tori would ask me for my pills!! Of course, I made her show the note to Kat.

I want to scream at Jo–”BITCH, PUT THE SHOVEL DOWN!!”

Geezoman.

When is she going to learn?

I tell her to stop asking me, so she thinks Tori will??

WhatEVER.

Tomorrow I have to get online and see if I can find a place for Tori and I to live when we get out.

GOOD. 

NIGHT!!

June 1st, 2018 

Friday

Day 333

8am

Mr. Big looks hot today. But what am I talking about? He looks hot every day. I had more dreams about him when I went to bed last night.

God.

I fantasize about him when I’m awake, I fantasize about him when I’m asleep…it’s exhausting.

Ugh.

Now he’s in the room. I’ve got to stop.

Anyway…….doot….de doot…..de doooooooooot….not thinking about him at all…..yeah, right.

9am

Inspirational Group

The average American will meet 10,000 people in his or her lifetime. 

Lessons from Admiral speech: (inspirational)

If you want to change the world:

  1. Make your bed every morning.
  2. Ask for help.
  3. Measure people by the size of their heart.
  4. Keep moving forward.
  5. Don’t be afraid of failure (it makes you stronger).
  6. Sometimes you have to slide through the obstacles head first.
  7. Don’t back down.
  8. Be your very best during your darkest moments.
  9. Give hope to others, never give up.
  10. Respect everyone.

11am

I sweated my ass off in Gym. Now I get to sweep and mop the giant dining room floor. I’m finally doing my laundry too. Stupid Jo didn’t go to Gym, so she’s in even more trouble. I guess I’ll get on the computer for 15 minutes and look up apartments.

No luck with apartments. There’s one in Port Allegany that I might consider if it’s okay with Tori.

2:30pm

Big left for the day. Inspirational quote on the board (from And Still She Laughs, by Kate Merrick):

“And so I surrendered. I surrendered the idea that I can play God and control the outcome of my life. I surrendered the sinful attitudes, the self pity, the ugly fits. I surrendered the kicking of feet and lashing out at the One who is carrying me. I surrendered the wasting of time, sitting around paralyzed because I can’t get past the mess my life has become or the disappointments I have suffered. I surrendered what I had been holding back, all the love and adoration I had been withholding from God out of a broken heart: stingy, petulant, and hoarding affection.”

“In all their suffering, He also suffered.”

–Isaiah 63:9

10pm

Watching TV for the first time in over a month. I’m finally off of Restriction. I bought hair dye tonight–I can’t wait to dye my hair, but we’re only allowed to do it on the weekends, so it’ll have to wait until tomorrow.

Tori does not want to live in Port Allegany, which sucks super bad, because I was kind of hopeful about it.

Ugh.

Now “Knocked Up” is on–for the millionth time.

Categories
Life Uncategorized

Lies By Omission, Breakups, and Audre Lorde

February 19th, 2025

Wednesday

Muncy State Prison

8:42pm

So, Zuko and I are sitting downstairs a little bit ago, and Cricket comes up to us and starts talking about how she tried to give the note Zuko wrote to Tyson to her, but she wouldn’t take it. 

WHAT??!!

WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING TALKING ABOUT?!

She’s writing her?

This, coming from the woman who wants a monogamous fucking relationship with me??

So I’m silent after Cricket leaves, and Zuko makes some stupid comment about the movie we’re watching.

Silence.

She says, “Are we fighting?” and then starts talking about how people have been coming up to her saying that Tyson looks like shit, and she was supposed to have some surgery, and she was just checking to see if Tyson was okay.

Jesus Fucking Christ.

All that’s running through my head is:

“THIS IS WHY I DON’T DO MONOGAMY. THIS IS WHY I DON’T DO MONOGAMY.”

It’s the sneaky, lie-by-omission, underhanded, back-door, super-secret-BULLSHIT that I ALWAYS try to AVOID!!

I say, “You should have told me first. If you don’t want to be in a relationship, then let’s not be in a relationship.”

She splutters and says she does want to be in a relationship, but everyone told her not to be so honest, and she’s sorry, and bla, bla.

I say it’s fine, but she’s the one keeping this relationship with Tyson going, not Tyson, like she said.

Is she addicted to drama or something?

Chaos?

Jesus fucking Christ. 

Who knows.

This is a note she handed to me earlier:

Hey there, Beautiful, 

I don’t have a lot of time to write you, cuz I’ve been busy doing awesome Zuko shit all day. 🙂 But I wanted you to know that I’m always thinkin’ of you + I love you. 

A lot.

I love how much fun we have together + that we can have intelligent conversations together, + fuck you’re so fuckin’ sexy. It’s hard to keep my hands and lips off you, cuz they’d be all over you all of the time if it was possible. 

I loved what you wrote.

Please continue. 🙂 I’d love to have you on me, you’re sexy AF Babe. I wanna be as close as fucking possible to you. You’re so fuckin’ hot + I definitely want you on top of me. 🙂

We’re gonna have Earth shattering sex when I get outta here. And then we can get married for the 4,729th time. 🙂 

I choose you every day, Sprout.

Thanks for choosing me too.

I’m all yours, as long as you’ll have me. 

I gotta go!

I don’t wanna be late and keep you waiting. 

I love you.

♥️

All of that rings kind of hollow now. I mean, she did jump out of the relationship with Tyson and into one with me really fast.

We should have taken a break first.. 

Maybe we should take one now.

February 20th, 2025

Thursday

8:53am 

Book:

“Abolition for the People”

Edited by Colin Kaepernick

P. 122

“According to the World Health Organization, incarceration is detrimental to mental health due to ‘ various forms of violence,’ enforced solitude, or, conversely, lack of privacy, lack of meaningful activity, isolation from social networks, insecurity about future prospects (work, relationships, etc.) and inadequate mental health services..’”

P. 123

“For the master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house. They may allow us temporarily to beat him at his own game, but they will never enable us to bring about genuine change. And this fact is only threatening to those women who still define the master’s house as their only source of support,”

—Audre Lorde

P. 151-152

“Roughly a quarter of all bailiff’s, correctional officers, and jailers are Black yet there’s no indication that diversifying the staff of a racist institution results in less violence and death for those who are held within it. That’s because the institution continues to operate as designed. It is not ‘broken,’ as reformists are fond of saying. The fallacy is in believing the function of police and prisons is to mete out punishment and justice in an equitable manner and not to first and foremost serve as a means of maintaining the race, gender, and class hierarchy of an oppressive society.

Believing that the system is ‘broken’ rather than functioning exactly as intended requires a certain adherence to White supremacist and anti-Black beliefs. One has to ignore the rampant amount of violence, fraud, and theft being committed by some of the most powerful figures in society with little to no legal consequences while massive amounts of resources are devoted to the hyper-policing of the poor for infractions as minor as trespassing, shoplifting, and turnstile jumping at subway stations,”

Zuko wrote me:

 
Good morning Love.

IDK when you’ll be awake + I’ll get to give this to you, but I wanted to write you anyway. If I mess shit up, I want to to be because I made the wrong choice, not cuz  I listened to other people. 

Like right now.

I’m gonna ignore Wolfy telling me that I over-explain things + to just let shit go. I wanna make sure you know how I feel + where I’m coming from, so that there’s no assuming + so I’m being open + honest with you. 

(Yup, I’m learning from you + the book you’re reading. 🙂)

You’re right: not everyone is gonna like me, + I need to be OK with that. And I need to stop worrying (catastrophizing?) about the future or stressing about the past. I want to learn every day and grow every day so I can be the best version of myself.

The gamer in me calls it “Leveling Up.” 🙂

I was taking advice from others (inmates) cuz I haven’t been successful in my relationships. 

So, logically, I need to look at myself to figure out what I’m doing wrong. Maybe those people (xgfs) were just assholes + they didn’t love me. And I have an addiction to alcohol, which fucked things up too.

Basically, I have to look at myself, and evaluate things. I signed up for the Healthy Relationships group months ago, so hopefully I get in that group + it’s helpful. I wanna be a better person, for myself + for you. 🙂

I know we talked about this last night, but I wanna make sure I get this all out clearly. 

I do not ever want to get back with her, and I honestly don’t even see us being friends. But I don’t want her as an enemy either, cuz I want her to leave you, me + my friends alone. It’s really hard for me to be an asshole on purpose, so I need to learn how to balance things better. It’s not my responsibility to make sure she’s OK, especially since she hates me.

I do not want to be with anyone besides  you. I love you + everything about you. 🙂I’m a one woman kind of woman. You + only you, get all of my love and affection. Life has been great since we decided to let our friendship evolve. 🙂 You make my heart happy too. You said something like, “This just feels right, + I have to trust that.”

I agree.

Fuk all that dumb advice people have given me. I like being honest about everything + that’s what I’m sticking with. Thank you for not quitting on me + all this monogamous gay shit you’re doing with me. ♥️I love you. Thank you for letting me learn + grow with you. Thank you for loving me. 🙂

I think that was everything I wanted to say. 

I’ve gotten interrupted by girthy banana dicks, school, Bundo on her knees “waiting for Daddy to cum” … * insert disgusted face.*

This is why it takes me so long to focus + write you, I’m sorry. 

Plus, I get distracted daydreaming about you 🙂. Holding your hand (carefully), kissing you, touching you, that one time on Vday 🙂, laughing and joking with you, listening to you talk when you’re passionate about something, looking into your beautiful eyes, seeing your pretty smile, I love you.

I’m sorry again that I wasn’t honest with you, + I’m sorry for hurting you.

Okay, I’m done now. Sorry for apologizing so much 😝 I love you, Thank you for sharing how you were feeling with me. 

I had so much fun on our date (after we got past the whole break thing + your phone call. You’re a heartbreaker.). Jimmy Timmy Smith-Jones will never be a triangle!! 

Lmao I love you so much. 🙂 I have the best time with you.

Your awesome level + my awesome level = fucking amazing. 🙂

OK. Food. See you soon.

I love you Sprout.

♥️

Me

Categories
Life Uncategorized

Love, Recovery, and Some Bullshit

MUNCY STATE PRISON

February 11th, 2025

Tuesday

11:04am

So, I basically told Zuko that I loved her, and she replied, “I really like you.” Ugh. 

So now that’s out there. Now I feel like she just wants to fuck me, just like every other guy I’ve ever been with.

Fuck.

Now I kind of don’t want to hang out with her. I’m low-key disgusted with myself for putting myself out there to that degree–with someone who just wants to be my “makeout buddy.” Then again, yesterday she fucking said that we’ve been “together” for a week. Like–what are you talking about, miss?? I’m so fucking confused. Like–I’m basically cheating on Motorcycle with her, and I thought that this meant something, but it turns out she’s just playing with me.

Is it unfair that I expected more from a woman??

Fuck.

February 12th, 2025

Wednesday

Zuko wrote me: 

My Sprout, 

“I tell you all the time: Heaven is a place on Earth with you. Tell me all the things you wanna do. I heard that you like the bad girls. Honey, is that true? 🙂 It’s better than I ever knew. They say that the world was built for two. Only worth living if somebody is loving you…and Baby now you do.” –Video Games by Lana Del Ray

I’m sorry I’m off today. I’m kinda sleepy cuz I was up late and didn’t take my meds and I’ve got some stuff on my mind too. I’m just in my head, sorry. Thank you for being patient with me, and thanks for hugs. There’s no place I’d rather be than in our arms. You’re calm and comforting, and you make me feel safe. *exhale* Thank you. 🙂

Hi. 🙂I’m back. It’s Tuesday now lol. There was that whole anal sex/naked Momma Bear/guys cum situation last night when I was trying to swap my twat cotton (quote me! 🙂), so I was not in the right head space to write you and we had our meeting and chill time anyway. My favorite time is 9:27pm. 🙂Holy fuck, you’re so sexy. Mmmmm. I love the way you kiss me…Okay, I need to stop daydreaming about you and write you. That’s part of the reason it takes me so long. Lol. Sorry. Thanks for being my Superbowl date, I had a nice time with you. 🙂I wish we could’ve “Lady and the Tramp’ed” the popcorn, but there’s rules against that kinda shit. 😛 Maybe we can try it with my victory honey bun from prop bets. Lol. 🙂Honestly, I’ll take any excuse to be close to you and touch and kiss you. I want more of you in my life. You make everything better…even dumb fuckin prison. You’re very important to me. I gotta make dinner before I get hungry. 🙂I’ll be back. 

Okay, I’m back. 🙂I ran into you briefly. 🙂You’re my favorite dessert. Mmmm. More please. 

Anyway! (NOT daydreaming about you again…maybe a lil. 🙂) I enjoyed our Skyscraper date today. I love joking around with you. 🙂That movie was so stupid, lol. I also enjoyed our “rehearsal dinner.” I just decided we’re vampires since we’re immortal and suck on each other’s neck, lol. Yup. So you’re my immortal vampire wife now. It happened. 🙂You’re welcome. 😛

Thanks for sharing your 1/22 journal with me. Our first kiss was 1/24/25 🙂I’m glad you were brave and said yes. I am glad we were both brave about all this. I really like how our friendship has evolved. I love spending time with you, no matter what we’re doing. Thanks for taking a chance on me. 🙂I gotta get ready for meds. I’m gonna give this to you so it doesn’t end up being Wednesday lol. I miss you. *frumps about all your bf’s taking up your time with me.* 😛I hope we get a good night kiss. Sweet dreams.

9pm

Today I stayed in bed most of the day. I just wasn’t feelin’ it. Then Zuko said something about me sleeping with Motorcycle when I get out of here and I nearly lost my shit. Like–DO YOU CARE ABOUT ME OR NOT??

I asked her why on Earth it would bother her if I slept with other people, considering that we’re only “makeout buddies.” She said, “Owch” and asked what she was doing wrong. I told her that she could tell me she cared about me, and that I’m not used to being the one who is in the position of feeling like I care more about a person than they care about me, but now I am, and it basically sucks. She said, “So you’re saying you’re in love with me.” I said, “Yes.” Then she said, “I was going to tell you I loved you last night, but I didn’t want things to be weird. I do love you.”

Then we talked about it and it’s better now, but damn. I feel like that conversation nearly killed me. I’m very relieved that it’s over. This vulnerability shit is no joke. It’s hard. I said we both need to be braver. She said okay. 

Phew. 

*Exhale*

Zuko wrote me:

My Sprout, 

Thank you for telling me how you were feeling. I’m really sorry I didn’t do a better job showing you how important you are to me. Yes, I do enjoy kissing and touching you, and I’d like to do more with you, but you’re WAY more to me than that. You aren’t and never will be just a fuck buddy to me. I’m sorry for not being brave or honest with you sooner. I love you. A lot. I didn’t wanna fuck up our friendship. Sorry. This isn’t how I ever started a relationship before, so I’m kinda fuckin’ shit up. Plus shit’s confusing because of your outside relationships. I’ll do better with communicating and being brave. Our time together means the world to me and I miss you when we’re apart. You make me happy. You make life better. I’m grateful for every moment I get to be with you. I am in love with you Justine, and I’m gonna do everything possible to show you that every day, so you never wonder what I’m feeling ever again. I love you. 

Love, 

Me (insert cute pet name TBD)

Wow. 

Okay. 

I feel better.

This is something I found from a class I had to take in prison, where we had to watch a movie and then write our reaction to it:

10/11/24

Reaction to movie:

It’s hard to watch her shoot up without wanting to shoot up myself. When she lays down and closes her eyes afterward, I can imagine exactly how that feels: exquisite relief. Relief from the constant pain. For a few minutes, bliss for no reason. 

It’s hard for me to understand why we have to watch this–the shooting up and then the endless funeral montage. Anyone who knows anything knows that death is no deterrent. If it was, no one would use. We all know we might die. She keeps repeating that the drug is stronger than love. 

She might be right.

Next: 

Quotes from Recovery Boys

11/8/24

“I didn’t know people lived life sober.”
“I’m just lost. I don’t know what to do.”

“Happy tears. That’s a new one.”

“I thought love didn’t exist.”

About life– “It wasn’t fun. It was a fuckin’ chore.”

“I don’t know a sober person back home.”

“It’s been a long road man…[cries]…I didn’t know what a friend was.”

Next:

My reaction to Muncy TED Talks

11/25/24

Monday

“Your mistakes don’t have to define you,” and all of that is fine and good on its face, but none of those women have actually been to prison. Being an ex-con DOES define you forever, and that’s just reality. In the job market, whether you can go to college or do certain progressions, in custody cases, even in getting housing in the future. We, in REALITY, have many less opportunities now than we did before. Do you think I’M going to be appointed by the governor and living my best life if I “make good choices” in the future?

That’s just bullshit. 

What nobody’s addressing is that mass incarceration is real, and that the system is rigged for recidivism. What nobody is saying is that what brings most women to prison is addiction, trauma, and mental illness, and THOSE AREN’T CHOICES.

Categories
Life Uncategorized

Headaches, Assaches, and Sex deprivation

WOMEN’S CENTER

May 16th, 2018

Wednesday

Day 317

3pm

I’ve had a fucker of a day. Headache all day and super tired. I told my psych doctor about it and she told me to take vitamins B, C, and D. Big told me I could get them, but not when. I also need to pay some bills and get a money order to renew my license before June. Everything here happens so slowly. I saw Nickolai strolling the baby around the property today. I wonder how she’s doing. Kat wants me to make up some discussion topics for group tonight, so I have to do that now. 

7:30pm

Kat is taking us to Coudersport–me and Sugar Momma to my grief group and Tori, Jo, and Jolene to the meeting. Kat never drives–I wonder why she is taking us. Tori is doing much better today, and in more good news, she quit her job! She didn’t get into trouble though–she had Mr. Big and the Big Boss’s permission. My head is killing me. It was cold and damp today, but I wore my new dress from the Community Closet today anyway. It made me feel marginally better. Tori went to therapy today and it went well, I guess. Maybe Nikolai will go to the meeting and Tori will talk to her.

May 17th, 2018

Thursday

Day 318

1:30pm

We’re doing a budgeting group–super boring. Balancing a checkbook and such. We did Community Service earlier at the Community Building for 2 ½ hours and then had lunch, but I couldn’t eat because my head hurts so much. Yesterday, Elaine said during my group, “I’m so glad I don’t get my menstruals anymore!” out of nowhere–it was funny. 

It’s really nice out today–sunshiney and warm, but I can’t really enjoy it because of my head. I can’t wait to be off of this Hep-C medication, Mavret. The pharmacy called me yesterday to see how I was tolerating the medication, and when I told them I was headachey and tired, they said that those were the two most common complaints. 

Elaine and Brenda are making paper hats out of their fake checkbooks, and the rest of us are just sitting here, bored to tears. I wish we could plant some things in the garden instead of doing stupid groups inside…Sandra is still annoying everyone to death.

May 18th, 2018

Friday

Day 319

8am

I have another headache. Shocker. Mr. Big says I should drink more water. Double shocker. He’s probably right.

10:30am

Living Clean Book:

“Each time we recognize an opportunity for spiritual growth, we experience a reawakening of hope.”

“We ease the pain of living through spiritual principles.”

“Surviving our own lives seems impossible when we get here, but we learn, gradually, to face reality and make friends with the truth.”

“We can love our lives, find joy in being alive, and face the world with genuine excitement.”

“What we find is not that our Higher Power spares us the hardships of life, but that we receive the grace to get through them clean.”

“Humility and gratitude walk hand in hand. We practice saying what we are grateful for whether or not we feel it.”

“Part of learning is making mistakes. We learn as much by missing the mark as we do by finding our target.”

“In the same way that a small change in course greatly alters the destination of ships at sea, small changes in the way we respond to life can free us from old, repetitive patterns and open us to new ways of thinking and acting.”

“Accepting our freedom is a massive act of spiritual courage.”

1pm

Gawd. Sandra is still on her “I’m leaving!” kick. She also said, “I don’t need education! I done graduated!” when she was told we’re doing an “educational” group. 

Ugh. 

I’m losing my health insurance on Sunday. 

Ugh. 

Uh oh. Mr. Big just came out when Sandra spouted, “I have an ass-ache! Can I go lay down?” This is because she was told that Brenda was laying down because she had a headache.

Now Gert is trying to do a group on building each other up. Now people are saying nice things about each other–that’s nice. Sugar Momma is trying to quit caffeine and cigarettes at the same time, which is not going well. She stayed in bed until 11:30am. I wish I could do that. Elaine is trying to take over the group–it’s kind of funny. She keeps interjecting ridiculous things into the conversation that have nothing to do with anything.

Big left for the day–must be nice!

Tori is still having a hard time–Big told her that she was being dramatic and that she needs in-patient rehab.

Uh oh.

Now we’re in an uncomfortable conversation about God. The Big Boss just walked in. At least she interrupted the conversation–Gert was talking about her prayers when her husband died. She thinks it’s her fault that he died because she prayed for him to be out of pain instead of for him to live.

Geezoman.

That’s a lot of guilt to carry around. 

Now Jo is bitching because Big is only letting her smoke two cigarettes per day until she stops yelling and screaming and starts participating. Now Tori is complaining that her mental illness is a joke because she wants to go to a psych ward.

This has gotten off track. 

Tori has been asking for help for two weeks–she sees her psychiatrist next week. I feel bad for her. Hopefully she gets put on different meds. Now this is just a bitch session. 

Hm.

Aaaaaaaaaaaand now we’re talking about brain cancer and being overweight. I told the group that we should practice gratitude more often and make gratitude lists.

2pm

That was the longest hour ever. Now we have another group, this one on thinking errors. 

Lord, have mercy.

6pm

Tori says it smells like sweat, dirty feet, and farts in here. I talked to the boys–they had cereal for supper and Henry got attacked by a chicken and stung by a bee today. 

Hm. 

They went to my ex-friend, Folly’s, house today–she has twin boys too.

10pm

I just weighed myself–154lbs, which is depressing. I have skipped at least one meal per day this week because my head hurt so bad. I have to do laundry tomorrow. I have a zit on my shoulder that’s really irritating. I guess Tori’s new man’s ex-girlfriend snooped through his truck and found Tori’s letters and flipped shit. I’m pretty sure he broke up with her to be with Tori. 

I guess Jo is going to get written up again for breaking the no smoking rule. Now Kat and Georgia are talking about the ghost Jacob that lives here. Jolene and Jo are freaking out because they’re talking about it. Georgia went to the kitchen and Tori laid in wait for her and jumped out and scared her. Georgia says now she has a poop stain on her pants. 

Funny.

Now we’re talking about sleep paralysis, which happened to Tori last night. Now Tori’s talking about her lightning bolt stretch mark that points to her clit. 

Funny.

I told her it’s there so no one loses their way.

May 19th, 2018

Saturday

Day 320

6pm

I slept most of the day today–my headaches got the best of me. I didn’t even eat or smoke. I got out of Community Service and groups for half the day–Gert must have felt bad for me. Feliz’s grandmother or great-grandmother died, so she’s been off for a few days, but she’s here tonight. She’s having a hard time of it. Elaine is having a hard time because her boyfriend says he doesn’t “feel anything” when he comes to visit her. I told her to get a new boyfriend.

I guess we have to do “Team Building” now–I think we’re just going to do discussion topics, which are just questions that I make up.

10pm

Well, tonight was eventful. We went to a meeting in Galeton, and when we were getting out of the van, Jolene saw a man who beat the pulp out of her a few years ago. Like–her face got reconstructed, and the store she was beat up in got sued because they didn’t call 911. It was bad, and seeing him traumatized her a lot. So she started crying and shaking in the meeting, and we ended up leaving after a few minutes. It gets bigger though–she had to call the police when we got back the the Center because she has a standing PFA against him, and he’s not allowed within five miles of her. Also, she thinks Feliz told him about the meeting and where we would be, which is a huge confidentiality breach. I guess Feliz and him are friends or something (??!!). Jolene cried and shook almost the entire way back from Galeton. 

Now Jolene just came in and said that the PFA she had is expired. That’s what the police told her. 

My God.

She should be able to get him for fucking stalking. What a monster.

Then when we got back, Brenda was crying because she misses her kids, and Tori and Sugar Momma both said that they were having hallucinations today because their Bipolar Disorder is acting up. Holy crap!

What a day. 

I’m going to bed.

May 20th, 2018

Sunday

Day 321

12pm

I feel pretty good today–no headache! I’m super glad about that. Tori seems better today. Sugar Momma is still complaining of hallucinations, and is practicing grounding techniques. There is a horrible movie on with blood and gore and car wrecks and death. It makes me feel bad for Gert, who is watching. She lost her husband in a car wreck.

1pm

I can’t wait for visits. Now we’re doing meal planning and inventory. Sandra spouted to me today, “I don’t care if you hate me!” I’m not sure where that came from. I don’t hate her, but I might be beginning to. So much for trying to talk to her nicely. 

Tiger came today for two hours–I got out my makeup and some books, and Sugar Momma gave me three dollars for the vending machines, so the kids will be happy. Sometimes it’s hard to entertain them for two hours.

8pm

We’re having a fake in-house meeting of NA. Visiting with the kids was good. All the women are talking about is how sex-deprived they are. 

9pm

Snack time.

I didn’t eat dinner, and I’m not eating sugar-free gross Jell-o. During meditation, Grammy was super pissed and I touched her arm, and she yelled, “DON’T TOUCH ME!!!” I thought she was going to hit me! Maybe I’ll change her name back to Old Toothless. Or Grumpy Old Toothless. Oh, nevermind–she came out and apologized.

Categories
Life Uncategorized

Some Pee, Some Big Dreams, and Some Poop

WOMEN’S CENTER

May 11th, 2018

Friday

Day 312

6:30am


Big is already here–I guess he wanted to get a jump-start on his day. I woke up early today–got to wear a skirt and a pretty shirt that I got yesterday at the Community Closet. Nikolai is here, but she has to stay in her own section of the Center. I have to go do my hair.

10am

Over at the gym. We were playing volley ball but then Elaine went after the ball and fell down the stairs. 

Of course she did.

I haven’t gotten the results of my urine culture yet–I reminded Big to call them. I also need an appointment for my shoulder that he hasn’t called about yet–it’s really bothering me. I injured it a couple years ago when a German Shepard I was walking about pulled my arm out of its socket when he lunged at a car. I fell down and everything. 

Let’s see what my Living Clean book has to say to me today: 

“Having all the answers makes it hard to be teachable.”

“We begin to move toward what we want instead of just away from what we fear.”

“Making peace with loss is one way we learn acceptance.”

“Learning about acceptance, love, and compassion helps us to accept ourselves without conditions.

“Sanity is living in harmony with reality.”

1pm

Big is making me move my room. 

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr……

I don’t feel like it, I’ve been very tired today. I felt great until I took my meds–I think it’s the Hep-C med that’s making me feel this way. 

Sugar Momma seems to be adjusting well, except that she’s in withdrawal from some of her meds that she can’t be on while she’s here because they are controlled drugs. I wonder how my sister’s doing. My doctor finally called about that stupid urine culture but she said it looked more like contamination, so no antibiotics for me.

Great.

Then I’m not sure why I’ve been peeing so much–maybe he’s right. 

Who knows.

Back to my Living Clean book:

“Living, loving, surviving loss, and celebrating success, we find that the tools of recovery that gave us our lives also help us to live with grace, integrity, and joy.”

“We don’t think our way into a new way of living, we live our way into a new way of thinking.”

May 12th, 2018

Saturday

Day 313

10am


Everybody feels like shit today, including me. It’s cold and raining, and everybody seems to have a headache or is sore from the weather–it sucks. The bad mood seems to be catchy too. The only one that’s in a good mood is Elaine, who is happily doing laps around the cafeteria. Tori got written up again–this time for her room being a mess. She feels targeted, and thinks Big is out to get her. He didn’t accept her essay either–said it wasn’t “essay format.”

Hm.

Grammy is singing loudly to Garth Brooks in the dining room–it’s kind of funny. We planted a bunch of seeds in this tiny plastic greenhouse that Gert brought in, and they’re coming up nicely. I can’t wait to plant them in the garden. Of course, the peas and beans that we planted directly into the garden aren’t coming up. Maybe we planted them too early. 

Loreen gets to leave today. Jo is bitching about not having a smoke break before lunch–she’s going to get smoking taken from us altogether, and then everybody will want to kill her. She just ran in her room and slammed the door.

If Big were here, he would take away her door too. 

I’m so tired. I’ve been getting up three or four times to pee lately, and that’s not like me, which is why I thought I had a bladder infection, but then the doctor said I didn’t. 

Maybe I’m just getting old and leaky.

Gross. 

I had a dream that Big was in last night. I had gone to watch a play that he was directing, and the whole time I was staring at him rather than watching the play. 

Gawd.

Even my subconscious is infatuated with him.

That’s enough about that.

It’s Mother’s Day tomorrow–the boys are coming. Gert wants us to make Mother’s Day cards today–ugh. 

I don’t know if I’ve come that far.

10:30pm

My head hurts so bad. I don’t don’t know if it’s because of that new Med for Hep C, or if it’s because my teeth are shifting from where I had some pulled. 

Maybe both.

No Harley and Nick at the meeting in Galeton tonight. No Nickolai either. I’m worried about her. The guy she was hanging out with on Thursday was clearly high. Georgia took us to the meeting tonight. She’s good people. I worry that she’s going to get fired though–she says she won’t quit smoking weed, so if they start drug testing here, that wouldn’t go well for her.

Who fucking cares anyway–it’s weed.

I feel bad for her–the love of her life died a few years ago, and when she talks about him, I can feel her pain. Sandra and I are the only people that stayed up tonight. She’s watching a cooking competition show. Sugar Momma is doing pretty badly–I think she’s withdrawing from more than Adderal and Ativan, which is what she said. I guess she had a pooping accident and Jo had to tell her to clean the bathroom afterward.

Gross.

Six weeks until I get the fuck out of here. Somebody asked me tonight at the meeting if I had mixed feelings about leaving, and I was like, “NO! I CAN’T WAIT TO GET OUT OF THERE!!”

This has been the longest year of my life, hands down.

I miss my kids so much. I wonder if my parents will give them back to me, or if I’ll have to fight for years more. I fucking hope not. I wish my mother would go to therapy or get on medication–she’s so bipolar that she’s completely unpredictable.

Jesse the Sleep Nazi actually let me sleep today–probably because I looked so bad. I did clean with the rest of the residents for an hour for “Deep Clean” time, but that was all I could take. This cold, rainy weather really gets to me, and then to have a massive headache on top of it….sucks. Tomorrow I start taking the medication at 5pm, so that I’ll only feel like crap for half of the day. Night shift just came in. Let’s see what my Living Clean book says to me tonight.

“Through these periods of grave doubt and uncertainty, we find a new surrender, a deeper faith, and often, a very different sense of who we are.”

“We come to identify for ourselves what is restorative time alone and what is destructive withdrawal.”

“Letting go of the idea that we have to understand why things happen or how it all works frees us to have a spiritual experience without wondering if we’re doing it right.”

“A lot of the stepwork we do after the first time through is about clarity: listening to the voice within that tells us when what we are doing is right, and when it’s not in line with our values.”

“We find stability, dignity, and honor in our dealings with others where once we saw struggle, degradation, and alienation.”

“We learn who we are precisely when we forget ourselves in services to others.”

“Humility is about discovering a sense of [self] proportion firmly grounded in reality.”

Time for lights out–this new residential worker, Alice, says she can’t sing a note, but she wants to hear me sing, and she has a karaoke machine that she’s going to bring in for a singing group!

Cool!

Now I have to try to sleep after sleeping all day.

Blech.

Categories
Life Uncategorized

Fraternizing, Drama, and Humanity

May 9th, 2018

Wednesday

Day 310

1pm

Nothing bad has happened so far. I wonder if it will. Drug and Alcohol lady is here. She always seems uncomfortable, not matter what she is talking about, with nervous laughter between every sentence.

Seven Qualities to look for in a sponsor

  1. They are happily sober
  2. They are not sexually attractive
  3. They listen more than they talk
  4. They display a positive attitude
  5. You met them at a meeting
  6. They have enough time
  7. You don’t dread contacting them

Uh oh. This has turned into a nasty bitch session. 

Gawd. 

Does this lady have anything for us to actually do?

Omg. 

Now Jo stomped out of the room and is yelling at the staff.

Cool.

All the lady said was, “Well, that didn’t go as planned.” 

This whole day has been a shit show bitchfest. This lady is so unprofessional. She’s getting involved in the arguments that went on here this morning about people tattling on each other and coffee getting dumped out and other petty shit like that. 

What the fuck.

I guess we’re not going to a meeting tonight either. Funny how they take AWAY our recovery when we get in trouble.

We’re all being punished because of Tori and Harley “fraternizing?” Omg this lady is pissing me off. This hour can’t go fast enough. I’m going to start reading my Living Clean book. Now we’re talking about Mr. Big making the rules up as he goes along. We’re literally doing nothing. I need a damn nap. I have a headache because of this new antiviral med for Hep C. 

We almost got smoking taken away from us this morning because Big took away some of the resident’s first break because they didn’t get up on time today, and they decided to throw a bitch-fest about it. 

Smart move.

So then Big says that if we’re not grateful for smoking, he’ll just take it away altogether. 

Omg. (eye roll)

This lady just called the staff here unprofessional. 

Sheezus.

Now she’s saying she’s going to call someone about the grievance procedure here. She’s in way over her head. Now we’re talking about people not following the dress code–WHAT?! Jo still hasn’t come back. Now Drug Lady wants to know how the phone calls and internet access goes here. What’s her deal? Now they’re bitching about the food here–UM–compared to jail food, this place is the Taj Mahal! I can’t believe Drug Lady gets paid for the residents to bitch at her about how bad it sucks here. Jolene is complaining that when the staff found dope in her clothes and shit she brought in that she got written up for contraband.

Um……………..what did she expect to happen??

Now we’re bitching that Kat made a face at Jo when Jo was being a bitch, and Big’s response was, “Oh, did she hurt your feelings?”

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand now we’re back to fraternizing. 

Sorry–but if I have to suffer through it, so do you. When got a new woman in and guess who it is? Fuking Ike’s ex-Sugar Momma. GREAT. Then she’s spouting garbage about how, “If me and Justine had met under different circumstances [fucking the same dude], who would have been homies.”

Oh yeah?

I beg to differ, lady, but whatever. 

So this lady hands out one one page paper and that’s it. We are now officially counselled about drugs and alcohol.

“I’m upset FOR you guys! That’s understandably upsettable!” she says. People keep suggesting to Jo that she should ask me for help with rewriting an essay that Big won’t accept on “Personal Responsibility.” Maybe we’ll work on that instead of listening to this bullshit.

Personal Responsibility

–what personal responsibility means to me

–what accountability means to me

–how can I be personally responsible for my actions

–admitting wrongs

–making amends

–fixing the situation

–wrap it up (conclusion)

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we’re still talking about nothing.

3pm

That shit lasted for TWO hours!

Okay, onto my Living Clean book: “Making peace with loss is one way we learn acceptance.”

“Learning about acceptance, love, and compassion helps us to accept ourselves without conditions.”

9pm

The meeting was good. I ate too much candy. I wore my high-heeled boots and we walked, so my feet are sore. 

Worth it.

Jolene is so funny–on the way back I overheard her talking about me wearing heels everywhere and she said, “Ha! She probably walks funny in sneakers!” 

Funny. 

In other shocking news–freaking Tori slept with Bill at work! In a car! I can’t believe it! Here she is drooling over Harley at every meeting, so much that it got her in trouble, and then she goes and sleeps with some other guy! Who’s not even good looking!

I really think her bipolar meds need adjusting. Sugar Momma seems to be adjusting well. She’s here not because of drugs, but because she cussed out a Zito Media representative on the phone and made terroristic threats toward her!

Omg!

Talk about multiple personalities–she calls her alter-ego gangster personality Harley and swears she can’t control it…or her…or whatever.

9:30pm

I tried to call Elizabeth, my twin sister, and she didn’t answer, so I called her ex-husband, Stryder and he told me that she’s back to her regular self. I wonder what she’ll think of my letter. I guess she has her son back with her now too and she’s being really mean to everybody again. I talked to my mother after that, and she said that my boys were doing fine and that she hadn’t talked to Elizabeth. 

I still can’t believe Tori slept with Bill. 

Yuck. 

And WHY?

I still have a headache–time for sleep. 

Peace out.

May 10th, 2018

Thursday

Day 311

6:30am

I am not loving this new medication–Mavret–it gives me headaches and makes me even more tired. Let’s see what pearls of wisdom Our Daily Bread has today:

“Love your enemies.”  –Matthew 5:44

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.”  –Matthew 5:3

Paul believed that in the hard times, God is at work, “achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.”  –vv. 17-18

8am

Drama drama drama. I guess Sandra is starting drama–she woke Jolene up at 6am in a not-very-nice way, and Jolene was pissed. I do believe that Sandra had good intentions and that she wanted to wake her up early so that she didn’t miss first cigarette break, but she does seem like she’s overstepping boundaries a bit. I guess we’ll address it in Community this morning. No Mr. Big today–I guess he had an appointment. Then Sandra wouldn’t even eat at the breakfast table this morning and she cried when she told me about it. We’ll see what happens. Now Sandra is refusing to join the Community circle. 

Hm.

“To wait for someone else, or to expect someone else to make my life richer, or fuller, or more satisfying, puts me in a state of constant suspension; and I miss all those moments that pass. They never come back to be experienced again. –Kathleen Tierney Crilly

“A loving God replaces those defects with quality attributes.”

Philanthropy–a person with a love of humankind

Hope–a change in direction

“The world will not be saved by the internet. The world will be saved by the human spirit.”

Human spirit: the elevation above ourselves

We should be morally committed to be the healer of the world.

“Where there is love of humankind, there is love of healing.”  –Hippocrates 2400 years ago

12pm

Went to do Community Service at the Community Building–I got some good new clothes! Thanks, Big, for approving my request! My feet are killing me. I get to miss Nutrition Class today because I have a dentist appointment. Yay for real–I hate the teacher of the Nutrition Class–she’s imperious and rude. Big did not come in today. 

Shocker.

At Community this morning, I made a little speech about giving people the benefit of the doubt, and being kind to one another because we all have to live together and the tension level has been unacceptable around here lately. 

I hope it sinks in.

2pm

I’m riding back from the dentist with the funniest guy I’ve met since John died. Clever, I’ll name him–he’s hilarious! He’s always got a smart crack that makes me laugh. I guess his son’s a body builder. He used to be a maitre’d at a Playboy Club! He started dating a bunny and it ruined his marriage. What a story!

3pm

Back at the Center. I stole a Reader’s Digest–let’s see what it has to say:

“I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie.” –Twitter

“You can start having an impact on your immediate environment. Be kind, listen, have goodwill. It has a ripple effect. I’ll start there.”  –Gal Gadot

“What money does is magnify you…Money gives you a chance if you’re a slob to be a big slob. On the other hand, if you’re inclined toward doing good things, it gives you the power to do a great many things.”  –Warren Buffet

Ha! There’s a picture of two cats, one with a sign behind him that says, “I eat the plants and throw them up.” The sign in front of the second cat says, “I eat the throwup.”

Oh gross–the next article is about cooking things in the microwave, and one of the foods is a live lobster!!

Ugh. 

What an awful way to die. Boiled from the inside out.

We’re sitting around watching an old movie called, “Clean and Sober” for group. Sandra’s company line for everything is, “Why do I have to do this? I’m not an addict!”

Annoying.

Wow–four drug-free ways to ease arthritis–grass-fed meat, going gluten-free, capsaicin applied topically, and probiotics. 

Hm.

Controlled sleep deprivation can be used to treat depression. 

Huh. Sounds awful.

Here’s a funny one: Sign outside of a British pub: “Do not drop your cigarette ends on the floor, as they burn the hands and knees of customers as they leave.”

10pm 

The meeting was good. Mr. Big wasn’t there–I guess he had some dental work done today. Nikolai was there, though, with a new guy who looked High and said that he was from Elmira. I’m worried about her. Apparently something bad happened between her and Sugar Daddy, because she’s going to be staying at the Center again for a few days with her baby, Temperance, until she can get a place of her own in Roulette. 

Back to my Reader’s Digest–there is an article in here about acquired savant–people being able to do extraordinary things after a traumatic brain injury. 

Huh. 

Who’da thunk?

Categories
Life Uncategorized

Jeopardy, Prison Stuff, and MLK

MUNCY STATE PRISON

January 2nd, 2025

Thursday

7:09pm

I have a big zit in the middle of my forehead.

My feelings are hurt. 

Zuko and I were supposed to play Jeopardy tonight, and Martha was going to be the host, but Martha didn’t want to sit at a certain table. Zuko wanted to sit at a table where her girlfriend couldn’t see her across the Unit, so she decided not to play at all.

Like–what?

You can only play some stupid, harmless game with me if you’re hiding? 

That doesn’t even make any sense!

Plus it makes me feel worthless!

Then she wants to talk to me later like nothing’s wrong.

Fuck that.

I don’t even play games like that in my romantic relationships, much less platonic ones. 

What the fuck?

Maybe Daisy is right, and I’m just a pawn in this stupid game they seem to think is a relationship.

January 3rd, 2025

Book:

“Gates of Injustice” by Alan Elsner © 2006

P. 158

“The problem with the ‘worst of the worst’ argument is that experience has shown that it just isn’t true. A better slogan would have been, ‘Build it and they will come.’ Once a state built a supermax, it was under enormous political pressure to fill it. After spending tens of millions of dollars to erect these costly penal palaces, governors were not anxious to have them standing half-empty. In state after state, it became abundantly clear that a high proportion of supermax inmates were severely mentally ill.

They were not so much the ‘worst of the worst’ as the ‘sickest of the sick.’ Wardens of other prisons were all too happy to get rid of them because they were disruptive and difficult to control.

Supermax wardens took them to fill as many beds as possible.”

P. 166

“Psychiatrist Terry Kupers has also studied SHU syndrome. He said even those inmates who did not become completely psychotic manifested a number of psychosis-like symptoms, including massive anxiety, hyper-responiveness to external stimuli, perception distortions and hallucinations, acute confusion, difficulties with concentration and memory and others. Kupers made the point that most supermax prisoners would eventually be released to the community on completing their sentences. They would emerge from years of total isolation mentally destroyed and full of rage.”

P. 175

“In Oklahoma, where death row is underground so there is no natural light, a death sentence means never seeing the sun again, which perhaps explains why one in three inmates give up their appeals and ask to be put to death quickly. This phenomenon, known as volunteerism, is growing throughout the country.

From 1995 through 2001, at least 61 of the 409 people put to death in the United States were ‘volunteers.’ Some were clearly mentally incompetent; others were deeply depressed. 

‘With inadequate medical and psychiatric attention, I have seen rapid deterioration and personality changes in these men, which is what is leading to volunteerism,’ said Texas defense lawyer Yolanda Torres.”

P. 188

“Jails have a much more complex and varied mission than prisons. The key point is that for a great number of people, jails are not supposed to be places of punishment. They are holding facilities. According to the Department of Justice, jails have ten distinct tasks:

  1. To receive individuals pending arraignment and hold them awaiting trial, conviction or sentencing.
  2. To readmit probation, parole, and bail bond violators and absconders.
  3. To temporarily detain minors pending transfer to juvenile authorities.
  4. To hold mentally ill people until they can be transferred to appropriate health facilities.
  5. To hold individuals for the military for protective custody, for contempt and for the courts as witnesses.
  6. To release convicted inmates to the community upon completion of a sentence.
  7. To transfer inmates to federal, state or other authorities.
  8. To house inmates for state or other authorities when prisons are overcrowded.
  9. To sometimes operate community-based programs as alternatives to incarceration.
  10. To hold inmates sentenced to short terms, generally of one year or less.”

P. 191

“The most prestigious units in many jail systems are the special squads that many sheriffs deploy, called CERT or SERT teams (Corrections or Sheriff’s Emergency Response Teams). Dressed in paramilitary black uniforms or camouflage fatigues and armed to the teeth with the latest supposedly nonlethal weapons, members of these teams are a carefully selected elite. They undergo elaborate weapons and physical training and stand ready around the clock in many facilities to quell not only riots, but any form of inmate unrest or disobedience.

Each year, the best get to strut their stuff and compete against one another at industry fairs, such as the Mock Prison Riot sponsored by the federal National Institute of Justice’s Office of Law Enforcement Technology Commercialization, which is held in a disused prison in Wheeling, West Virginia.”

P. 204

“One reason the city [of Buckeye, Arizona] was so anxious to expand its limits was that the U.S. Census Bureau counts inmates as if they were citizens of the towns and counties where they are incarcerated rather than of where they actually come from. More residents means more federal aid and grants. Buckeye stood to gain subsidies of $600 per inmate per year from the 2000 census. When this effect was multiplied across America, the result was to drain a significant amount of money away from inner cities, where most prisoners originate, to white, rural areas where most prisons are sited.

‘The near-doubling of the prison population since the last census and a rural prison boom during the 1990s portends a substantial transfer of economic and political power from urban to rural America,’ wrote criminologist Tracy Huling. ‘The prisoner “share” of the nearly $2 trillion in federal funds tied to population counts distributed nationwide over the next decade will go to the mostly rural hometowns of their keepers.’”

P. 204

“Moreover, since prisoners earn little or no money, they also artificially drive down average income rates, making towns and counties eligible for federal housing funds. Census figures are also used to redraw political boundaries. Even though most prisoners cannot vote, their presence helps boost the political clout of rural districts, most of which are staunchly conservative.”

January 4th, 2025

Saturday


Book: 

“Gates of Injustice” by Alan Elsner © 2006 excerpts:

P. 206

“Whether or not local communities reap the full benefit, there is no doubt that there is big money to be made in prisons. As recently as 1980, there were no private companies operating U.S. prisons and jails for profit. The change began in 1984 when Hamilton County, Tennessee, awarded a contract to Corrections Corporation of America (CCA) to run a jail. That year, the federal Immigration and Naturalization Service also turned to CCA to run a lockup in Houston. In 1985, Kentucky became the first state to hire a company to run a prison. Privatization picked up steam in 1987 when Texas awarded two 500-bed facilities to CCA and another two to Wackenhut Corrections Corporation, the other leader in the field.”

“True compassion is more than flinging a coin to a beggar. It is not haphazard and superficial. It comes to see that an edifice which produces beggars needs restructuring.”

–Martin Luther King, Jr.

P. 222

“What we see here is the emergence of a permanent criminal class. Prisoners are told to reform, but they are given few tools to do so. Once they are entangled in the prison system, many belong to it for life. They may spend stretches of time inside prison and periods outside, but they are never truly free. Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy commented, ‘A decent and free society, founded in respect for an individual, ought not to run a system with a sign at the entrance for inmates saying, “Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Enter Here.’”

P. 223

“In Los Angeles, thousands of parolees congregate in a 50-block area of downtown known as Skid Row, the largest concentration of homelessness in the United States. The unwary visitor who stumbles on this part of the city might be excused for thinking he had suddenly been transported to Bangladesh. Thousands of people live in makeshift tents or cardboard boxes on the streets or crowd into cheap hotels or flophouses. Prostitutes ply their trade, looking for enough money for their next fix. People urinate and defecate in public; flies swarm over foul-smelling streets. Los Angeles County makes little effort to deal with its homeless population, which may reach as high as 100,000 on any given night. The county offers only 14,000 beds in homeless shelters.”

“Remember those who are in prison as if you were in prison with them.” –Hebrews 3:13”