Tag: romance

Categories
Life Uncategorized

Love in Prison

MUNCY STATE PRISON

February 5th, 2025

Wednesday

9:55pm

They’re saying an inmate is dead. Either in the RHU or the Infirmary. 

There was no heat in here last night and everybody woke up freezing. It’s still cold, but apparently the heat is fixed. 

No news on who died (or if someone died). 

I had a visit with Stryder today–a video visit. His blood pressure was so high yesterday that he was in the hospital.

I feel like Zuko and I are dancing around the love conversation. She says we’re “madly in like” with each other, which is funny, but I want to tell her that I love her. I don’t know how she would react, though. Then I think: What would I do if I was being my truest, bravest self? 

I would tell her. 

“If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me

And just forget the world?

I don’t quite know

How to say

How I feel…”

February 6th, 2025

Thursday

12:43pm

I wrote Zuko:

On the radio this morning was “Sweet But Psycho” and then “I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It” lol. Reminded me of you.

A lot of things remind me of you now. I think about you a lot, and about how you make me feel–beautiful and sexy and wanted–even in this completely gross, unsexy place. To feel that way is unexpected and nice. I wonder if we’d ever have come across each other on the outside. I think probably not. You’re my silver lining, and I’m generally not a silver lining kind of person, especially about prison. So thank you. More about what I was to do when I get out of here: I want to write a book that sparks a global conversation about mass incarceration and women in America. How putting women in prison tears apart the fabric of society. How this country would look without prisons. That’s what I want to do. Here’s a quote that I liked from “Good Girl, Bad Girl:” [Grief quote about losing children]

I hope you have a good time watching your movie. I’ll miss you until then. The kiss earlier was nice. I liked your hand on my skin. I wish we could touch each other the way we want to. Grrrrrr…….oh well. I guess I should just be grateful for what we can do. I like spending time with you. It’s frustrating, though, to always want more… *sigh* You’re sexy as fuck, if I didn’t tell you that yet today.

“Pretty pretty please, 

If you ever, ever feel, 

Like you’re nothing, 

You are perfect, 

To me.”

2:35pm

Lockdown

3:33pm

The rumor is that somebody overdosed on J Unit.

6:06pm

They still haven’t fed us yet.

6:34pm

No dinner yet.

6:56pm

No dinner yet.

7:02pm

Truck pulled up outside.

Presumably with food.

7:12pm

Started passing out food to Unit.

February 7th, 2025

Zuko wrote me:

News: the dickbag in charge of the country said the US was gonna take over Gaza and the Palestinians can fuck off and he’s gonna rebuild it to be the Middle East Riviera.

Hey Beautiful, 

I fuckin miss you 🙁 At least we got a little time together earlier. *sigh* I love– You just walked by, cuz ou’re awake now, so I don’t have to frump at you 😛But I was gonna. Anyway, I love how you feel in my arms and how you feel on my lips. I’m really glad you keep saying, “Okay,” to me 🙂. And I’m glad I’m brave enough to talk to you and ask you things. I can’t get enough of you. Kissing you is…mmmmmmm. I can’t even put it into words. But it’s good. Really good. We compliment each other very well. Mmmmmmm 🙂. You’re a great kisser and you’re so fucking sexy. I hate having to stop what we’re doing all the time, but it’s better than getting busted. I agree with you, if we had the chance to do what we want to with each other, it would be fuckin amazing. We’re both very attracted to each other and we match each other’s energy. I love looking into your eyes and smiling together when we pause briefly and then kiss some more. You’re so gorgeous. “AI Goddess you” has nothing on the real thing, and I’m gonna enjoy every amazing moment I’m lucky enough to get with you. I love the real you 🙂Thanks for choosing to spend your time with me.

I’m honored to be your silver lining here 🙂You make life better, so thank YOU. And no, I very much doubt our paths would have crossed outside. I’m  happy I met you. You have a very special place in my heart. I like all the songs you share with me 🙂. And it’s cute that you think of me all the time…. You liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike me 😛 I think of you all of the time too, even in my weird toothbrush dreams. Lmao. I’m gonna look that up right now, cuz it’s fuckin weird and I’m a very curious person. BRB! Back. There’s no toothbrush in my dream dictionary 😐 womp womp *sigh* Anyway. I pulled a ramen hair off me during the movie…after I ate my lunch 😐. I’m gonna need you to control your body ma’am, it keeps getting on me. Just kidding! I want you all over me! 🙂I love the way you taste and smell and feel and look and even how you sound. 🙂That time you hit me with your sexy voice stopped my heart briefly 🙂. I want all of you all over me, all of the time. I never told you this, but I was so fuckin nervous right before we kissed for the first time. I got all my courage together and went for it, though, and I’m so glad everything went well. Well, it was amazing, actually. 🙂I can’t get enough of you. I wish we were alone together right meow. 🙂. Kissing, touching, looking into each other’s eyes, discovering each other together, and then falling asleep in each other’s arms. It would be nice waking up with you, too. I like seeing you in the morning, all sleepy, and then you see me and you smile 🙂. You’re really pretty. Oh ffs Bozark, you’re sleeping again. 🙁 How am I supposed to kiss you good night now?? I’m just messing with you, I know you need sleep to feel better. And please don’t apologize for being “off” when you don’t feel well., I understand. All I ask is that you tell me when you’re not feeling well so that I know what’s wrong. You kinda hurt my feelings the other night cuz you walked away from me when I was trying to talk to you, and I thought you were mad/upset with me cuz I did something wrong. I was sad and confused. 🙁Anyway, I missed you a lot today. Stupid fuckin lockdown. I’m sorry you missed your visit. 🙁I’m grateful for the time we got together. You taste and feel SO good. I’m glad you like my hands on you, cuz I like having them on you. Mmmmmmm….. 🙂 You’re allowed to touch me too, just so that’s clear. I need sleep. I miss you. 

Good morning.

I usually re-read stuff before I give it to you, but I don’t have time cuz you said, “Okay,” to coffee. 🙂

I wrote her back:

Hi Sexy, 

First of all, I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings. I didn’t mean to. Some days I just wanna stay in bed  and do nothing all day and I feel like my whole energy is off. I’m sorry. On those days I wish we could snuggle. I fuckin miss you too. I love your letters. I’m glad you’re brave enough to talk to me and ask me things too. I always want to know what you’re thinking. Thanks for letting me know what the dickbag in charge of the country is doing. I love it when you kiss me, it feels so good. I can’t get enough of you either, and I want more. Thank you for saying I’m gorgeous. You make me feel gorgeous and beautiful. I think you’re fantastic, and I love the real you too. I’m so glad we met. “I’m a sucker for you,” is playing on the radio. That’s how I feel about you. 

You: “You wanna get outta here?”

Me: “Yup.”

If it’s with you–yup. I love that you dream about me, even with your weird toothbrush troubles. Sorry my hair gets all over you. Believe me–I want all of me to be all over you too. I was nervous before we kissed the first time too, but then you smiled at me, and I was fine. You have a very cute half-smile that you do and it melts my heart. You’re so sexy. I can’t get enough of you. I feel like I said that already, but it’s true. I love that you like seeing me in the morning when I’m all sleepy–you’re incredibly adorable when you first wake up. 

Anyway, we are going to the library and I want to give this to you. 

I fuckin miss you.

4:35pm

I was standing in the bathroom with Zuko when Daisy was getting out of the shower, and when I got back to the cell, Daisy snapped, “You’ve turned into those people that we hated, hanging around in the bathroom all of the time. I wanted to get out and get dressed, but there’s an audience.”

I said I was sorry, but what I really wanted to say was, “No one is looking at you, miss. We’re obviously looking at each other. And I wasn’t the only one just standing around in the bathroom.”

Zuko got called into the psychologist’s office today and looked distraught when she came out, so I was hoping she would tell me what was wrong, but she didn’t want to talk about it. So that’s why I was in the bathroom. Plus it’s the only place we’re allowed to be when there’s no Common Room. This is prison, and literally 50 people share that bathroom. I hope this doesn’t turn into a big fucking deal. Jesus Christ, I hate this fucking fucking place. I feel like Zuko is the only good thing about this place. I used to feel that way about Daisy. 

Ugh. 

She’s been making comments every day about how I’m in “Daisy Withdrawal,” which is her passive-aggressive way of saying I’m not spending enough time with her. WE FUCKING LIVE IN THE SAME CELL. 

FUCK.

9:19pm

Jesus Christ.

This day just keeps getting worse. Zuko’s pissed at me. Fuck my life. I made the gargantuan mistake of swatting her leg because she made a joke and she FREAKED out. “That’s my bad leg, oh my God, you scared me, bla, bla, bla!”

Like–totally freaked out. 

Like……..dude.

You’re completely overreacting. 😐

I must have apologized a thousand times. She’s still not speaking to me. 

Jesus fucking Christ. 

I hate this day.

February 8th, 2025

Saturday

1:52pm

Stryder visited, which was nice. Zuko finally forgave me, thank God. I had nightmares last night that I was little and my dad was sexually abusing me. 

Very weird.

I have nightmares when I’m upset. I was very upset that Zuko was upset with me. I’m using the word upset a lot. Apparently, they found my lost clothes over in C Unit, so I have to go get them when shift change is over. Then Zuko wants to hang out in the Common Room. I told Stryder that Zuko said that they are rivals now, and Stryder said, “Game on.”

Funny.

Zuko says she’s winning. She is. I’m very fond of her. I could barely sleep last night, and then this morning we were in the bathroom at the same time and she said, “Can this not be weird?” And then we talked and hugged and kissed and everything was okay.

Thank God. 

That was stressful.

February 9th, 2025

Zuko wrote me:

Yeahhhh, we’re gonna need to figure out that shower plan, cuz I was REALLY tempted to just get in with you. I want all of you. Badly. We won’t have room to do everything I’d like to do with you, but we’ll leave that stuff for the future. I’m gonna manifest all THAT. 🙂You, me, a nice big comfy bed and all the time in the world. I’d love to whisper all the things I wanna do with you while we’re sitting in Common Room to make you blush. And then you’d look at me with your beautiful blue eyes and say sweetly, “Okay.” 🙂

Good morning Beautiful 🙂

I was busy doing awesome stuff (with you) yesterday and didn’t finish this. Sorry. I’m slow. Good things take time and I’d like to think I’m worth the wait. 🙂 I really enjoy our time together. I like talking with you and listening to you tell me about your life. Thank you for trusting me enough to share yourself with me. I have a lot of fun joking around with you too. You have such a pretty smile (that you should really stop covering) and you have a really cute laugh. 🙂 You’re adorable and I can’t get enough of you Sprout. I’m madly in like with you 🙂 I haven’t seen you all morning 🙁 I miss you. I’m in a lot of pain today, so I’m guessing you’re feeling it too. I’d love to be snuggled up with you, right up against each other, my arm around you holding you close. Yeah, I just wanna hug and kiss you and be close to you. I miss you. I just saw you at Count to say hi and let you know I’m not going to lunch. I forgot I’m making pizzas for me and Bundo. You don’t want grey country “meat” anyway. Let me know if you want a sandwich or

something. 🙂I’ll make you something if you’re hungry. Okay, I gotta make pizza, do commissary stuff and write out those prop bets. Ya know–awesome stuff. 🙂

I have Puppy Bowl stuff on TV cuz PUPPIES!! 🙂Hopefully we get to chill some this afternoon. I miss you. I wanna hug and kiss you.

Activate: Awesome Stuff Mode! 🙂

I wrote her back:

Yes, we agreed, we’re going to have to figure out the shower plan. I always wish you could just get in with me. I want all of you too. Badly. About manifesting all the stuff for the future–Yes to all that. Good things do take time and you are worth the wait. Whether you’re writing me or doing all kinds of sexy stuff with me. You’re worth the wait. I really enjoy our time together too, and hearing about your life. You’re very smart and funny, and I can’t get enough of you either. Sprout–that’s adorable. I miss you all of the time.

How’d you do on your prop bets? 

And thank YOU for trusting ME enough to share yourself with me. I appreciate it a lot, especially because you have a hard time with trust. I liked our first date. Thanks for explaining football to me. I’m looking forward to that pool lesson. I hope I get to kiss you good night. Won’t it be nice when we can kiss each other whenever we want? 

Manifest THAT. 🙂

Categories
Life Uncategorized

Sexy, Sexy

MUNCY STATE PRISON

February 2nd, 2025

Quote from Michael Robotham in “Good Girl, Bad Girl:”

“People who lost children have their hearts warped into weird shapes. Losing a child is beyond comprehension. It defies biology. It contradicts the natural order of history and genealogy. It derails common sense. It violates time. It creates a huge, black, bottomless hole that swallows hope.”

I love that quote.

I have to write Paul back. He wrote me the beginning of a story that I’m meant to finish:

1/20/25

“The bright noon sun released its rays onto the frigid snow once the clouds vacated their coverage of the sky. The light reflected off of the crisp snowflakes individually, dotting the white landscape with a seemingly endless field of jewels of all different colors.

A hot mist of breath burst from Jenna Kensington’s mouth as she walks back from her apartment, a 500 square foot studio on the fourth floor of a high-rise apartment building on Main St. With the breath snaking its way through the air and vanishing, another breath emerged from her mouth. The temperature was at zero, and any damp warmth from any source escaped as hot vapor, inevitably reaching its death as it disappeared into the air.

As she finally approached her building, she was greeted by the doorman, Rexford Dish. 

“You’re lucky you’re not a chipmunk, Jenna.”

Jenna looked at Red and rolled her eyes with annoyance, knowing that Rex would most likely keep her from getting out of the extreme cold until she listened to whatever stupid punchline he was about to come up with at the moment. As the doorman, his sense of humor was the key to the building for not only her, but most of the residents as well.

“Oh? Why is that, Rex?”

He responded with a smirk, “Because you would be freezing your nuts off!”

Jenna stopped in front of Rex and gave him an all-inclusive scowl complete with narrowed eyes, flared nostrils, and a furrowed brow. Her facial expression indicating without words that the joke was really dumb, that she was freezing and would die soon, and that if she didn’t get inside in the next ten seconds she would charge through Rex with the strength of a hairless wooly mammoth. 

Rex received the message loud and clear and opened the door for Jenna. 

“Thanks.” 

She responded with a harsh tone and a scoff, and it was all the politeness she had at the current moment. 

Rex followed her inside to the warm lobby. The lobby was decorated with a few fake floor plants, and a pair of paintings, one of the beach, and one of a tropical forest. The floors, walls, and ceiling were all very clean and polished, and most importantly, the air around her was toasty and inviting, a welcome contrast to the ninth level of hell she had just escaped from. “Sorry, Jenna, I guess today isn’t really the time for jokes.”

Jenna looked at him with astonishment and responded with the sharpest punch of sarcasm, “Do you think so?”

THE END

My return story:

Rexford wondered what on earth could be wrong with Jenna for her to be so snippy. Outside, the sparkling snow fell gently to the ground, in contrast to the storm raging in Jenna’s eyes. 

“How was your day?” Rex asked tentatively, hoping to mend the rift between them.

Jenna fairly exploded, “I just had to spend three hours outside in the sub-zero temperatures to cover an ice-fishing tournament, and my deadline is this afternoon! My entire body is frozen!”

Rexford, taken aback, wondered what he could do to help. He knew Jenna was working in a fast-paced environment at a demanding newspaper, and that deadlines loomed large over Jenna’s life.

“Maybe you could take a hot bath,’ Rex suggested feebly, hoping to be of some assistance.

“I don’t have time for a bath!” Jenna exclaimed, exasperated. Almost immediately, she softened, and then said, “I’m sorry I’m taking this out on you. I’m just frustrated. Maybe you’re right. I do have some time…” She trailed off, considering. Then she brightened. “When is your break? Do you want to come up for some hot cocoa?”

Rex checked his watch, “It’s actually right now. I’d love to.” He was relieved that Jenna was in better spirits. They had been friends for a long time, and he was fond of Jenna. Besides that, he found her incredibly attractive, and had secretly always wanted more than a platonic friendship with her. “Good,” Jenna said, “It’s settled then.”

They headed to the elevator, and Rex pushed the “four” button. Jenna looked at Rex and smiled her signature half-smile. He thought there was something like a sparkle in her eye, and he wondered what that was about.

When they reached her floor, Rex dutifully followed Jenna to her apartment. She unlocked the door and swung it wide, revealing her somewhat unkempt living room, with piles of papers and books everywhere. “Sorry, it’s a little messy,” Jenna said, and waved her hand dismissively. She shed her coat and scarf and Rex did the same. 

TO BE CONTINUED…

Sent 2/6/25

February 3rd, 2025

Monday

Zuko wrote me:

Hey Beautiful 🙂

I had a nice day with you…I always have a nice day with you 🙂. I saw you right after I got up from my nightmares, and you said, “Good morning Sunshine,” and smiled your pretty smile at me. 🙂Hi. 🙂Thank you for rubbing my neck and shoulders and back and for fixing up my knee. You’re very sweet, thank you. 🙂

I really enjoy our time together. You’re so easy to talk to and you’re smart and beautiful and funny and sexy. That’s why we’re madly in like with each other, lol 🙂. I miss you when you’re not around. I wanna tell you all the dumb shit that happens, like Wolf not understanding how to mail a fuckin letter 😐. Smith had to explain how to close the envelope and put it in the mailbox. Don’t forget to lick it! 😐🙄Fisher and I just looked at each other and were like, how are some people even alive?

ANyway, I’m glad you like the chicken and rice 🙂. I can do better…you should let me make you dinner again 🙂. I wish I had real food and cooking tools to use, but I’m trying my best with what I have here.

I want to kiss you all the time too, when we’re doing “normal” things. ALL the time 🙂. I wish I could touch you when we’re doing normal things too. I wanna walk up behind you when you’re like, in line for water or whatever and put my arms around you and kiss your neck and then mouth. I wanna touch you, not just for like sex stuff. Like, I want to hold your hands or have my feet or legs on yours and I love hugging you. I guess the word I’m looking for is affectionate. Yeah, that.

It’s late. Bedtime. Thanks for a nice Groundhog’s Day 🙂. I wish we were sporking right meow. 🙂

Goodnight.

P.S. I’m glad I can make you happy in your heart. You do the same for me. 🙂

Good morning 🙂

Spider liver. Lmfao I was so fuckin confused. 🙃So yeah, anyway, now that I’m awake and not about to fall asleep: I find myself wanting to do things with you that is neither friend stuff nor makeout buddy stuff. Like when your hands are shaky (is there an “E” in shaky?) 😐*shrug* I wanna hold your hands. Cuddling is another example. We never discussed any of that, but you don’t seem to be against it. You said you were pro-cuddling 🙂.

Anyway, I gotta get ready for class. But here’s this for you. I wrote you back. 🙂I’m not a pro writer like you, so thanks for your patience. I’m just some washed up semi-pro soccer player 😜. I hope you have a good day. I hope I see you before I leave, or else I spent my time writing this early for no reason…I could have been doing my usual awesome stuff. 

Ok byyyyyyyyyyyyyyye! 🙂

I wrote Zuko back:

Hey sexy, 

I had a nice day with you too. I’m sorry you had nightmares and were/are sore, I wish there was something more I could do to help. Thank you for saying I have a pretty smile–I’ll never get tired of that. You’re easy to talk to too, and I love your face (especially your eyes) and you’re smart and funny and sexy too. I think it’s funny that we both say we’re not in a relationship with each other, because I don’t really know what would change if we were. I miss you when you’re not around too, and I think about you a lot. I had a dream about you this morning. I’m always thinking to myself, “I have to tell her that (whatever) happened.” I loved the chicken and rice, that was very sweet of you. I wish we could touch each other and kiss each other when we wanted to. I’m very pro-cuddling. Cuddling is good for your soul. I love hugging you too. You’re a very good hugger. I just like being really close to you for any reason, I think. I like it when you’re affectionate with me. I wish we were sporking right meow too. 🙂There’s no “E” in shaky. You’re not washed up. You’re perfect the way that you are. 

Spider livers aside, you seem kind of judgy about how many people I’ve slept with. I’m not particularly proud of that, but I’m not ashamed of it either. It’s just a fact. I would never put you at risk for a disease. The only transmissible disease I’ve ever had was Hepatitis C, and I was treated for that six years ago. To be honest, the three people I was sleeping with before I got here weren’t even sleeping with anyone else. And I don’t just fuck around anymore–I love the people I’m sleeping with or are at least very fond of them and we’re good friends. I don’t have meaningless sex anymore, and I think you have the wrong idea about that. Sex is important to me because of the connection it creates, not just because it feels nice.

Anyway, I hope to see you soon.

9pm

Zuko asked me if I wanted to be her girlfriend today and I said okay. We’ll see if anything changes. CO DickeyDo didn’t give us any phone signups for tomorrow since we were being too loud.

Jerk.

February 4th, 2025

Tuesday

9:38am

Lolita’s memorial service is today at 10am. I’m going. Zuko changed her mind and said that we should just keep things the same so we don’t get separated. That’s fine with me. People get all crazy over labels anyway. I wonder if she’s going to write me today. She kissed me this morning and said she missed me. I missed her too. I wonder what it’s going to be like when I leave this place and she has to stay. Now I feel like a liar every time I talk to Motorcycle. Zuko asks me all of the time why I’m with him. I don’t seem to know anymore. I loved him at one point. Now–I don’t know.

11:05am

Lolita’s service was nice. Very Catholic, but nice. Nobody got up and said anything about her, which was a shame. Just the priest talking about her being in Heaven with Jesus–even though Catholics don’t believe in suicides going to Heaven. That’s the third Catholic suicide funeral I’ve been to. The other two were men–well–one 15-year old boy and one 35-year old police officer. They sang, “Lift You Up on Eagle’s Wings” or something like that. Something about eagle’s wings. Zuko cried. 

5:39pm

Note from Zuko:

Hey Sexy 🙂

I’ll start how you sometimes finish:

“What am I supposed to do, but sink my teeth in you?

I’d starve without you on my lips. 

I’d die without the taste of it.

What am I supposed to be, when you sink your teeth into me?

Cuz I live for the way you move. 

I die without the taste of you.”

You feel so fuckin good, I can’t get enough of you. Kissing and touching you this morning was amazing. I love the way you taste and how you feel against me. You’re sexy AF and I want you. ALL THE TIME. Your lips belong on mine and my hands were meant to be all over you. I love looking into your eyes and seeing your smile when my face is right next to yours 🙂. And then kissing you more. Mmmmmmmmmmm fuck. We need more alone time. I wanna take my time with you, enjoy you, please you. I wanna take your breath away and then kiss you more. Grab your hair and pull it so your head goes back and I can kiss your neck and then slowly kiss my way down to your chest. 🙂My hand is ahead of my mouth, exploring your body…down your stomach, grabbing your hips and ass, and pulling you toward me. I kiss you harder and then run my fingertips down your one thigh, then slowly work my way up your other thigh. You press your body against mine, wanting more. I lightly drag my fingers along your lips while we kiss, teasing you, moving closer and closer, til you can’t wait anymore, so I slide my finger into you and gently massage your clit. All my energy is focused on you and discovering what brings you the most pleasure. We fall into rhythm together and I don’t stop until you’re completely satisfied, digging your nails into me while I kiss you passionately, trying in vain to keep you quiet. 🙂

I miss you!

I wrote her back: 

Holy fuck!

You sure know how to turn me on. I loved it, and I can’t wait until we have more alone time together. I read it with my face like this 😮

Holy fuck.

I don’t feel good today, so I’m off, sorry. I won’t interrupt your eating anymore, I just needed you to kiss me right then. 

I love the way you touch me, and I always can’t wait until the next time you put your hands on me. You feel SO good. I just wish things were different. I want us to know everything about each other’s bodies, and find out what turns you on. I would love to take a shower with you, and feel your naked body against mine. All hot and we and kissing and…fuck.

I would love that.

I loved your song lyrics, and your description of what you want to do to me. I want you all of the time too. I find myself wondering what your mouth would feel like on my body and what your face would look like when you get off. 

I want to know. 

Badly.

Good night.

Good morning. I like your hair. I feel a little better today. I’m just going to give this to you. 

Categories
Life Uncategorized

All the Yucky Love Stuff

MUNCY STATE PRISON

January 28th, 2025

Tuesday

8:24am

Lockdown. 

I let Daisy read Zuko’s letter to me. I don’t know if that was wise. She thinks I should stop everything with her. She thinks Zuko would be vindictive if it ended. 

But what, in reality, can she do to me? She can’t take my date [for leaving the prison], and should I be basing decisions on what might happen if something else happens? 

I don’t think so.

I like Zuko a lot, and she hasn’t given me a reason to be concerned. She is a little mean sometimes when other people are around, but doesn’t that come with the territory? She’s not mean to me. Are these red flags that I’m ignoring? I love Daisy and I respect her opinion, but she’s a “people generally suck” kind of person. I’m a “people are generally good” kind of person, and that’s not going to change. If I was listening to my heart I would keep things the same with Zuko, so that’s what I’m going to do.

My stomach is fucked up today, and was yesterday too. 

It’s gross.

January 29th, 2025

Wednesday

11:55am

Zuko said I looked pretty today. That felt good. I like the way she makes me feel. I haven’t felt sexy in a very long time. 

My stomach is still fucked. It’s gross. 

I had the poop talk with Superman. He’s been constipated, so I talked to him about listening to his body and going when he has to go and stuff. Weirdly, it felt good to have a “Mom” conversation with him, even though it was about poop.

2:37pm

Zuko wrote me: 

Hi 😀

I figured I’d write you now so you have something to read whenever you’re awake. I hope you feel better; I really wish there was something I could do to help…especially that hour of relief thing 😉.  (I had told Zuko that after sex, I get an hour of relief from the lupus pain from the endorphin rush 🙂.) I’m gonna miss you while you’re sleeping this off. I’ve gotten used to spending my time with you and hanging out. I really enjoy your company and our new activity 🙂. I like what we’ve got going on, our friendship means a lot to me too. I am also thoroughly enjoying myself. It’s been really nice the past few days getting closer to each other. 😀 Thanks for elaborating about how you feel in general and about me, you’re very hard to read sometimes. 

Me: “You wanna be my makeout buddy? 😀

You: “Yes.” 😐

Lmao. 

It’s good to know you’re enjoying yourself and find me sexy. I love kissing you and touching you. I REALLY wish we had more alone time, but I’ll enjoy 10 seconds at a time. You feel so good and I want more. Stupid fuckin prison and their damn rules. Let me live my life! I just wanna get gay with my friend! 🤪

For real, though, I’d love to get some time together so we could take our time enjoying each other. Fuck Jail Jeff and his minute man shit, I want you to feel amazing as long as possible, til you can’t take it anymore. I wanna learn everything that turns you on and I wanna get you off over and over again. 🙂We’ll fuck the lupus right out of you.

Lmfao.

I need sleep. 

I’ll write more tomorrow. I hope you’re sleeping well and feel better soon. Cinnamon was way too excited to give you the book list note, lol. They’re books, it wasn’t a love letter. I just didn’t want to wait and forget. I scribbled out the word “lesbian” in case any of them read it and them would ask a million questions and give you shit. Good night. Good morning 🙂. You’re welcome for last night’s nonsense writing. Lol. I don’t fuck, that’s very impersonal. Anyway! I hope you’re feeling better today 🙂 In response to some of what you wrote: you wouldn’t have noticed my interest in you before–I was spoken for and I’m not a cheater. Plus I’m very respectful of women and don’t stare. You have beautiful blue eyes, and I know you don’t like it, but I like your dark hair. 🙂 And no, I’m not looking to be dating anyone anytime soon, but thanks for being understanding. I’m perfectly happy right now with you 🙂. So, like, I know you do the open relationship thing (which I don’t understand, but I’m cool with you doing that), but can you let me know if you wanna fuck around with someone else in here please? I’ll do the same. But, like I said, I’m perfectly happy with what we’ve got going on right now. 🙂

Okay, you’re being impatient and want me to give this to you, so I will 🙂

Plus it’s almost time for everyone to get the fuck outta here, so hopefully we can meet up soon. I need to get my hands on you and feel your lips and hips against mine. 🙂

I wrote Zuko back:

Hi 🙂

I do feel better today, thank you. And thank you for the nonsense writing, that was my favorite part of your letter. I want you something fierce, I know what you mean about wishing we had more time–I do too. I feel like I can’t get enough of you. Every time we’re together I can’t wait until next time. Needless to say, I really enjoy your company too. I can still taste you and I like it. Yeah, you’re right, fuck Jail Jeff and his minute man shit, I want to spend huge amounts of time with you. Until we’re both exhausted and need to sleep. I love it when you kiss me and touch me, it feels so good and I want a lot more. All of the time. I’m not going to fuck around with anyone else, I can tell you that right now. This is too good. In the extremely unlikely event that I was thinking about it, I would tell you out of respect. But I’m telling you–if Angelina Jolie walked into BB today, I would choose you. I think we have a really good connection, and I don’t want to fuck that up. And I’m going to hold you to the whole “fucking the lupus right out of me.” I know it would be amazing. The way you kiss me…I know the rest would be amazing. I can’t get enough of you, did I say that? 🙂Thank you for saying that my eyes are beautiful and that I looked pretty today. I almost never feel pretty anymore. Unless you’re looking at me. You make me feel gorgeous and sexy. Especially when you’re really close to my face lol. I get lost in your eyes and it’s hard for me not to stare. Now I’m gushing, so I’m gonna stop. 

6:07pm

Martha got paroled today, so she’ll be leaving soon. Daisy is tense around me since I’ve been spending so much time with Zuko. She didn’t even go to dinner tonight. 

January 30th, 2025

Thursday

12:53pm

I think about Zuko a lot now. Not that there’s much else to think about. She asked me yesterday if anybody knows about us and I lied and said no. Daisy knows, and so does Stryder. I just couldn’t keep it to myself. 

First lie. 

Ugh.

I couldn’t lie to Daisy, though. She already knew anyway. I mean, she figured. We spend an awful lot of time together. Zuko looked into my eyes for a minute after she kissed me today, and I thought she was going to say, “I love you,” but she didn’t. I said, “What?” and she said, “Nothing.”

I love her.

The other day when she gave me some Tylenol because I didn’t feel good, she paused before she gave it to me and said, “How much do you love me?” 

I looked her straight in the face and said, “I love you.”

“I know,” she said.

3:43pm

Somebody walked in on us kissing today.

Jesus Christ.

I really couldn’t care less, but she freaked out, telling the woman, hissing at her, really, “YOU DIDN’T SEE ANYTHING!!” urgently. I rolled my eyes and walked out. I know it’s a big deal because it’s prison, but I also feel like kissing is normal human behavior. 

God, I wish we weren’t in prison.

I can’t wait to get whatever she wrote me.

I’m spending all of my time with her, and Daisy seems pissed about it and won’t eat with us anymore. Then, when I got back to the cube, we got some paper on how we’re not supposed to hang out in the bathroom. 

Fuck my life.

Snow Bunny has been complaining about it–loudly. Listen, Miss–it’s not my fault you got separated from your girlfriend. Leave me alone.

Paul wrote me:

Hi Babe, 

Here are some of my most recent pictures, mostly Fishmas pictures, and one of me from the holidays, and AI pictures of you, including the famous “Unicorn Goddess Jess” picture.

There is also the start of a new story we can exchange and add to. I want to remind you again that I love you so much, admire everything about your existence, and always relish just interacting and knowing you.

I love you always.

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Paul

Zuko wrote me:

Hey 🙂

So I remembered what I was supposed to forget Wolf said, so I’m writing it down for: she was looking at some sort of info sheet about her new dentures and naming the types of teeth and what they do (ex: molars→chew) and she was asking about canines, so I said they’re the pointy side ones, and she’s like “those aren’t listed.” Smith and I were like why TF not, so she looks at the paper and she points it out to her, and she’s like, “Ohhhhhhhh…with a C, I was looking for a K. I thought it was spelled K9.” 😐 *sigh* No dude, and God help you. 

Anyway, it’s late and I need sleep. I had a really nice day with you. 🙂

Hi again 🙂I’m sleepy today. I kinda wanna snuggle up with you and kiss you…and then nap together. How do you feel about cuddling? You’re hard to read. I have to trust you enough to be vulnerable like that. Based on what you wrote and you saying you wouldn’t kick me out, I feel like you’d be alright with it. 🙂

Me: “You wanna cuddle and fall asleep in each other’s arms?”

You: “Okay.” 😐lol. I’m gonna nap. I miss you. K. Bye.

Okay, so you like cuddling, so that’s good. 🙂*sigh* Idk, I know we started as friends, cuz we get along really well. Like I said, I wanted to be able to write you when you leave, and that was a few weeks ago. And then we decided to be makeout buddies, “no gay stuff.” But this has been really amazing and I wanna do more than just kiss you. Idk…I don’t want to do anything that you aren’t comfortable with. I like being really close to your face too. You feel so fuckin good and I love kissing you and touching you. You are beautiful and sexy AF I want more of you. I can’t help it. #SorryNotSorry. I love looking into your eyes, especially right before and after we kiss. 🙂mmm. I need more of you. I want you to interrupt all of the awesome shit I do (except eating or sleeping) so we can spend time together. I need sleep. Don’t run off on me when I’m trying to brush my teeth in the parking lot and then lay on you 😛I’m fine with you not approving of the drunk handsy guy, he was gross and drunk and rapey. You’re pretty even when you wake up with no makeup and look all sleepy. 🙂

Good morning again 🙂I promise to give this to you today, sorry for being slow. I really wanted to jump in the shower with you, but stopped myself. That needs to be planned out a lil bit better. And not when we have a female CO that can walk in whenever. This fuckin lady. 🙄Her “loud” voice is like a man. You can be loud and not be a man.

Ugggg. Fuck today. You interrupted that to hang out and since then, I’ve gotten this shitty new cellie, we got no alone time, except for that three seconds when we got caught 🙁*frump sigh* That was my fault for not being quicker, but NO ONE was coming our way when I looked. That girl just lives close and walks fast. I’m sorry. 🙁And now we got these stupid fuckin Unit Guidelines about not hanging out in the bathroom, so that’s that. 🙁I simultaneously wanna hug you cuz I need some comfort and kiss and touch you cuz you’re sexy AF and we haven’t really gotten any time together today. You’re fuckin hot and I can’t stop thinking about you and everything I wanna do with you. The way you look at me sometimes, fuck, it’s difficult to pretend we’re just friends. I wanna run my fingers through your hair, past your ear and down along your neck, tracing a path down your body for my mouth to follow, kissing you gently…

Idk if I should continue…it’s getting more than a titch gay…

I wrote her back, but gave it to her before I could write it down in here. I said she doesn’t make me uncomfortable and I want more of her too, I just don’t see how that’s going to happen.

February 1st, 2025

Saturday

4:13pm

Zuko noticed that Daisy doesn’t want to eat with us and is hurt/pissed about it because I wouldn’t tell her why. 

Now things are weird.

The truth is it’s because Daisy thinks Zuko is mean–that’s what Daisy says anyway. I think it’s more like Daisy defended me as straight for months while everyone was talking about us being together and she’s more than a little homophobic. 

That’s what I think. 

4:20pm

Officer Dickeydo just announced that there is an inspection coming up, and we all have to put a fourth locker in our cells. 

Great. 

Categories
Life Uncategorized

Gossip Girls and Sugar From Zuko

MUNCY STATE PRISON

January 11th, 2025

1:36pm

Bambi, Martha, and Daisy are currently gossiping about the low-quality of inmates here, and then by proxy, comparing the CO’s. “She’s disgusting” and “Who says that?” are flying around in the open air. Martha is always concerned about what I’m writing, as if I’m writing exclusively about her. Well, now I am. 

SHE NEVER STOPS GOSSIPING. 

It’s exhausting. 

“She” this and “she” that. I can’t imagine what she says about me. And Daisy buys right into it, like she loves it. And Bambi, who is constantly talking about people being “ugly,” but never looks in a mirror.

Ugh.

January 14th, 2025

11:31am

Martha is always doing something. Right now she is meaningfully searching through her cardboard records box, stopping every few seconds to consider one of the papers or booklets in it. Bambi is gossiping with Daisy in the background about workers at the sewing factory, where they both work. 

Martha has settled on a book of Christian devotionals, while Daisy snorts disdainfully, “She’s lazy. I don’t care for her.”

Behind Martha hanging on a line are a towel, underwear, a bra, and a washcloth. On her bed are books, skeins of yarn, a deck of playing cards, some red and white striped mints, and blankets folded neatly against the wall. 

This is her workspace.

“She acts like a brat,” says Daisy, “She must’ve gotten a DUI.”

ON GRIEF: AN ESSAY

They say grief comes in waves, and that there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. Grief is more than sadness, it is an empty aching in your soul in a place that used to be filled. One grieves in direct proportion to the amount that one loves the being they are grieving for. A mother’s loss of a child is said to be the pinnacle, the most a person can suffer with grief. The Holy Grail, the gold standard by which every other grief is measured.

7pm

Somebody fell in the shower and hit her head and then started having seizures. They called an ambulance and the paramedics took her out of here. She looked bloody and unconscious. 

January 22nd, 2025

Wednesday

I am reading “Untamed” by Glennon Doyle, who is a woman who used to write books on being a straight, Christian mother whose husband cheats on her, but now writes about a love-at-first-sight encounter at a book conference with a woman named Abby. She changed her whole life. She is very brave. 

Zuko asked me the other day if I would be her “makeout buddy.” I told her I needed to think about it, so I did. I thought about how Daisy, Martha, and Bambi constantly talk about how disgusting it is that women here are kissing in the bathroom, usually while they make retching noises and mime throwing up. Then I thought about Motorcycle and monogamy and all of the “shoulds.”

The I thought about what I would do if I didn’t care what anybody thought of me, and how nice it would be to be kissed by Zuko. I thought about what I would do if I was being my bravest, truest self. 

I said yes yesterday. 

She hasn’t kissed me yet. 

I kind of can’t wait.

On the radio:

“Baby I want something else

To get me through this

Life…”

“Selfless women make for an efficient society but not a beautiful, true, or just one.”  –Glennon Doyle

“Mercy and empathy are great threats to an unjust society.”  –Glennon Doyle

January 24th, 2025

Friday

1:28pm

I don’t think we’re going to Commissary today.
Sucks.

They’re just shopping the Unit next door right now, and usually it’s all done in the morning.

Zuko kissed me today.

I was SO nice to be kissed and touched. I can’t even describe how nice it was. I miss physical affection something fierce. I got the feeling that if we weren’t in a prison and there were no rules, we’d have kept going and had full-blown sex, the energy was so…crackling. THAT would probably be amazing. She’s so gentle and soft. The way she smiled right before she kissed me…I can’t get it out of my head. It was like she was thinking, “This is going to be good–I just know it.”

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm….it was.

I was nervous but now I’m not. I just can’t wait to do it again. 

I hope we don’t get in trouble.

Ugh.
Fucking prison. 

No good things allowed.

January 25th, 2025

Saturday

Stryder visited today. He stayed for three hours even though he could’ve stayed longer. They put in a new system for the vending machines and nobody knew how to use the cards, so there was nothing to eat or drink. After three hours we didn’t have anything left to talk about. I told him about Zuko and then regretted it. He said, “Why did you tell me that?” I said, “Because it’s the most exciting thing that’s happened to me in a year.”

I don’t know what to say to you, dude.

I’m never going to be your person.

End of story.

I told him to stop putting me on a pedestal and date other people. 

God. 

“I’ll spread my wings 

And I’ll learn how to fly

I’ll do what it takes
Till I touch the sky

I’ll take a risk

Take a chance

Make a change

And breakaway…”

January 27th, 2025

Monday

1:37pm

Pam read my manuscript so far and wrote down some notes for me:

“Notes for Justine

  1. It would be nice to hear about more of your childhood in the beginning, and how you grew up. If you had problems as a child, maybe depression, etc.
  2. I know it’s a rough draft, some of the parts felt disorganized, jumped around a lot (could get confusing for some)
  3. I think you should really break down your mental illness how you did in the meeting, you explained it really well to us.
  4. I loved learning more about you! You are so intelligent and brave. The story was very interesting, and I learned new things.
  5. It kept me reading the whole way through, I was up to late! LOL
  6. I really have no other suggestions, but to keep going! I’m excited to read more!

Love, 

Pam

Zuko wrote me a note:

Hey 🙂

I figured it’s fair to let you know what I’m thinking over here. I really like spending time with you, both hanging out chilling and this new bonus adventure 😀. Maybe we were both in denial or oblivious, but obviously everyone else (including the fucking librarian) knew what we’re just figuring out now lol. 

*shrug*

You’re really smart and funny and caring and it’s really easy to talk and joke with you. You have a very pretty smile, even with what the Amazing Adam [dentist] to you. 🙂Don’t feel any type of way about that, you’re beautiful and I love to see you smile…especially the way you smile at me when we take a break from kissing. 🙂 You’re really cute when you do that. You’re a good kisser, I very much enjoy feeling your lips on mine. And I love getting to touch you, you feel good against me and in my arms. It annoys TF out of me that this comes in like 10 second timeframes. I want a LOT more time with you, alone. I want to slowly explore all of you with my fingertips, and my mouth 🙂. You’re very sexy, but you already knew that. Thanks for letting me invade your space. After that whole Sweet Tea bad being spoken into existence, I may or may not have wished for tits.

Lmao 😂

Thank you for being concerned about everything I’d lose if we tried some shit, you’re sweet. It’s extremely tempting…and risky. 

*sigh*

It’s difficult not touching you when I want to. I really wanted to hold your hands when you were shaky, but I obviously can’t do that. 😣

You aren’t very good at keeping this a secret, lol.

Hopefully the shower was loud enough that she didn’t hear you. I can smell you on my shirt…that’s not a bad thing. 🙂

I wrote Zuko back: 

I loved your letter. I really like spending time with you too. Maybe I am/was in denial or oblivious, but you’ll have to forgive me, I’ve identified myself as straight for a really long time. It just didn’t occur to me that you’d be interested in me romantically at all. I guess I’m not as straight as I thought I was, because I am crazy attracted to you. I think you’re sexy as fuck and I love it when you kiss me and put your hands on me. It feels right to me, and I have to trust that. I love the way you look at me and your eyes and your smile. You’re a very good kisser, did I mention that? About you slowly exploring my body with your fingertips and mouth–well that sounds like Heaven to me. 

Sexy, sexy. 

Fuck.

I just don’t want it to be hurried and stressful and in a fucking prison bathroom. Plus, it could get you in a lot of trouble. 

I can wait. 

And if you need help with your PCRA, I would love to help! There’s a lot of love in this letter. Oh well. You are important to me, and I don’t want to ruin anything for you.

And you’re right, I’m not good at this, but I will keep doing it as long as you will tolerate me. I think about you all of the time. I will try to keep my big, fat mouth shut. 

Unless you’re kissing me in it.

(Did you like that? Kissing in the mouth, lol.)

I crack myself up. 

I’m looking forward to making your shirts smell like me for a while, so get used to it. And if you ever want to date someone seriously, I will totally understand. But just so you know, I am thoroughly enjoying myself right now. Who knew you could have this much fun in prison?

I didn’t.

But if it ended tomorrow, I would still cherish our friendship. I just want you to know that you’re important to me. Now I’m repeating myself, so I’m going to stop writing. 

On the radio:

“Take the bottle

Shake up up…

Pour some sugar on me…”

The end of that.

Categories
Life Uncategorized

Oprah Winfrey and Daisy’s Birthday

MUNCY STATE PRISON

November 8th, 2024

Friday

5:08pm

Dinner’s going to be late. Four people from this unit just went to the Hole. Somebody PREA’d Ms. Moon, an older Asian lady in a wheelchair here. It turns out it wasn’t true, so the people in on it went to the Hole for an investigation.

Stupid. 

Things in my cell aren’t any better. That doesn’t stop Swiper from asking me for things. Today she asked me to hit my cigarette. I said no and then wondered if she would retaliate.

I hate prison.

I spent the next two days in bed after Trump won the presidency. 

I just don’t understand. 

Is there that much hate in the world?

I found a book!

“Organizing for Social Change: Midwest Academy Manual for Activists” by Kim Bobo, Jackie Kendall, and Steve Max © 2001

“If there is no struggle there is no progress. Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are men who want crops without plowing up the ground. They want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean without the awful roar of its many waters. This struggle may be a moral one; or it may be both moral and physical; but it must be a struggle. Power concedes nothing without a demand. It never did and it never will. Find out just what people will submit to, and you have found the exact amount of injustice and wrong which will be imposed upon them; and these will continue until they are resisted with either words or blows, or with both. The limits of tyrants are prescribed by the endurance of those whom they oppress.

–Frederick Douglass

Letter to an abolitionist associate, 1849

November 10th, 2024

Sunday

9:46am

Today is Daisy’s 42nd birthday. I gave her three pairs of socks, batteries, and an e-cigarette. Tonight we’ll have cheesecake when Kimberly gets off work in the kitchen. I don’t know how to make jail cheesecake, but I bought the ingredients. 

Kimberly is leaving for her grandmother’s house in 10 days. 

Cinnamon made Daisy a card. 

Daisy and Bambi have been weirdly chummy lately. Bambi is still not speaking to me and hasn’t said a word about what Burgundy told her I said about her. 

It’s fine with me. 

I’d rather not be friends with such a nasty, spiteful, vindictive person anyway. 

Or fake friends, as it were. 

She doesn’t seem to be actual friends with anyone. Things with Swiper are no better.

It’s uncomfortable and tense in our cell.
Stressful.

I finished Oprah Winfrey and Bruce D. Perry’s book, “What happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing” © 2021 

Here’s some excerpts:

P. 109

“If, in the first two months of life, a child experienced high adversity with minimal relational buffering but was then put into a healthier environment for the next twelve years, their outcomes were worse than the outcomes of children who had low adversity and healthy relational connections in the first two months but then spent the next twelve years with high adversity.”

P. 230-234

“Our ancestors recognized the importance of connectedness and the toxicity of exclusion. The history of the ‘civilized’ world, on the other hand, is filled with policies and practices that favored disconnection and marginalization–that destroyed family, community, and culture. Colonization, slavery, and the U.S. reservation system, Canada’s Residential Schools, Australia’s Stolen Generation–these were so destructive across so many generations because they intentionally destroyed the family and cultural bonds that keep a people connected. They created disconnected, traumatized individuals in inescapable, painful situations–situations that, as we’ve discussed, make people dissociate in order to adapt and survive. And even though the dissociation is adaptive, it results in more passivity and compliance, making traumatized peoples easier to dehumanize and exploit.

While less obvious to some, I believe that our existing child-welfare, educational, mental health, and juvenile-justice systems often do the same thing. They fragment families, undermine community, and engage in marginalizing, shaming, and punitive practices.”

P. 258-259

“…I’m very concerned about poverty of relationships in modern society. In our work, we find that the best predictor of your current mental health is your current ‘relational health,’ or connectedness. This connectedness is fueled by two things: the basic capabilities you’ve developed to form and maintain relationships, and the relational ‘opportunities’ you have in your family, neighborhood, school, and so forth.

Simply put, modern life provides fewer opportunities for relational interactions. In a multifamily, multigenerational environment, the continuous social interactions provide a rich source of regulation, reward, and learning. And that’s how we used to live. In 1790, 63 percent of our nation’s households had five or more people; only 10 percent had two or fewer. Today those numbers have basically flipped: In 2006, only 8 percent of households had five or more people, 60 percent had two or fewer…

The art of storytelling and the capacity to listen are on the decline. The result is a more self-absorbed, more anxious, more depressed, and less resilient population.”

I wrote a birthday letter to Daisy:

Daisy, 

I just wanted to write you a quick birthday note and tell you that I feel lucky to have you as a friend. If I’m making it weird, I’m sorry, but you are one of the funniest, smartest, and most animated people I know, and I’m glad to have met you. You’re strong, even in the face of monumental adversity, and I admire that about you. And you give good hugs, even when you don’t want to, and even if we’re both a little bonier than when we came in.

Also, you’re a good storyteller and a good listener, and I appreciate that about you. While most people ignore me because I am quiet, you make me feel seen and heard in a place where it’s easier to fade into the background. 

So thank you.

No one wants to be in prison, but if I have to, I’d choose you to do it with. Happy birthday and here’s to celebrating on the outside.

Love, 

Justine

8:21pm

I’m fucking exhausted. Bambi and Swiper made the whole night a fucking fight. 

Jesus fucking Christ.

Categories
Life Uncategorized

Walking Pneumonia, Plea Deals, and Words to Live By

MUNCY STATE PRISON

September 25th, 2024

Wednesday

1:46pm

Swiper has walking pneumonia and bronchitis. I was sick too with whatever virus caused it, but I got over it without antibiotics. She, on the other hand, is as sick as a dog. It’s alarming to me that her immune system is worse than mine, and I have lupus.

Bambi and Daisy got into a monstrous fight the other day and now are best friends again. I don’t get it. During the fight, Bambi shrieked that Daisy even talks shit about me, which shouldn’t surprise me, but did. Daisy apparently thinks that I don’t have remorse for my crime, but should. Like–what–are YOU the parole board? You’ve been using drugs since you were 14 and abandoned your SEVEN children BEFORE you went to prison, if you want to play the judgment game, miss.

Ugh.

But I don’t want to play. 

I don’t. 

Whatever you need to say to make yourself feel better. 

And she calls Bambi high and mighty.

Whatever.

It doesn’t make me feel any better to sling shit at her. I abandoned my child, too. I’m so tired of this place. Exhausted of it, really. I wasn’t on the callout for that drug and alcohol class today. I can’t believe I’m still just sitting here.

Bambi is apparently jealous of Daisy and I being friends, because she brought it up that Daisy talks to me about her kids and not her, so she’s probably trying to drive a wedge between Daisy and I. 

Well, she wins.

Now Daisy ONLY talks to Bambi.
They have their own Mean Girls Club.

Daisy was distraught the other day because she found out her 12-year old daughter is smoking pot. Her solution was to call CYS on the lady that voluntarily took in four of Daisy’s kids when her mother died. How would that solve anything?? Her kids are going to end up in foster care, and it’s going to be her fault. I helped her write a victim impact statement yesterday because her ex-husband is being sentenced soon for the rape of their daughter. Then I wondered to myself how asking a judge for “the maximum punishment allowable by law” meshes with my own person views that all prisons should be abolished.

Short answer: It doesn’t.

I have to write this book. I have about 20 pages written. I never had trouble writing about myself before, but it seems now that I do. It’s just one terrible life event after another, all strung together. It’s beyond depressing, so I’m breaking it up with journal entries from my time here, blogs, and interviews. I’m going to need some more interviews.

September 27th, 2024

Friday


I have court on Tuesday to get sentenced. I wonder what I’ll get. Hopefully no house arrest.

Daisy told me the other day that Morocco told Bambi that I let Burgundy read the manuscript that Bambi recruited me to write about her life and mostly about her affair with a Baptist pastor that ended badly. According to Burgundy, we were making fun of Bambi after I let her read it. 

Now, this seems extra-hateful.

I did not let her read it, although she did ask to. Why has Burgundy been talking shit about me for six months straight? Doesn’t she have better things to do?? 

Apparently not.

First, I’m racist and I stink. Now, I can’t be trusted with personal information. 

Now Bambi hates me. 

Of course.

September 29th, 2024

Sunday

4:40pm

I’ve been vaping way too much. It’s Sunday, I’m out of e-cigarettes, and I already owe four out on Friday. 

It’s bad.

At least I have the money to pay them back, but it seems that nobody else does, so Zuko’s prices went up.

Sucks.

I guess I won’t have any more this week, which makes me anxious and uncomfortable, especially with sentencing coming up on Tuesday.

Ugh.

Babi hasn’t spoken to me at all, which isn’t unusual for her, but there’s a hostility behind it now. 

Whatever.

Here’s what I don’t get–if she wanted to make her story a book EVERYONE would read, who cares if Burgundy DID read it? Bambi’s the one who wanted to make it public in the first place!

Make it make sense.

October 1st, 2024

Tuesday 

5:07pm

I got sentenced today to six months in the Women’s Center and four years of probation. Another six months locked up, and I won’t be out of here until December. 

That’s another 15 months of my life gone.

Then stupid Daisy attacks me for being upset, blaming me for not taking the plea deal from the DA. 

House arrest would have been better.

It’s like Daisy is so feelings–averse that she can’t stand it when anyone else is upset about anything. She reminds me of my mother. She goes into attack mode. Like–this has literally nothing to do with you, asshole.
Leave me alone.

I’m allowed to be upset.

Then I called Motorcycle, and he said he could hear it in my voice that I don’t want to be with him anymore. 

Like–what??

First of all, am I that transparent? 

And secondly–what??

I wasn’t even talking about our relationship. I was talking about being sentenced to six more Goddamn fucking months of incarceration. Like–this is not how I expected people to react. I told him that it was a lot to ask of him to stay with me through this. 

He said his feelings for me haven’t changed.

I started crying.

 I said I didn’t know if he could visit, because he has a violent crime on his record. He said if the DOC hadn’t picked it up, probably the Women’s Center wouldn’t either.

I don’t know.

I don’t know if I want to be with him anymore.

He didn’t help me when I needed him the most, and it’s hard for me not to blame this 15 months wasted on him. If I had more supportive people in my life, this wouldn’t keep happening to me. The DA even mentioned “holes in the system” that led to my incarceration in the first place, and said he’s in “meetings” to address this problem.
All I keep thinking is “another six months, another six months, I don’t know if I can do this for another six months.

Fuck my fucking life.

Another six months.

I should have taken the house arrest. 

 I hate my life.

5:30pm

They still haven’t cleared count. We’re never going to eat. It’s raining. I messaged Stryder, Paul, and Gem. I wonder what they’ll say about my sentence. So far, Kelly next door has been the only one who said she was sorry when she heard about it, which was nice of her.

Swiper didn’t say anything.

I asked her for a cigarette, and she said no.

 Then she had five or six cigarettes on her bed and was charging them. She could have at least offered me a recharge. She wouldn’t even have those cigarettes if it wasn’t for me.

October 4th, 2024

Friday

1pm


Daisy came up to me later after she yelled at me for being upset and asked me if I wanted a hug. 

I said no, I’m sweaty.

She gave me a hug anyway.
That was nice of her. I told her I feel like I’m not allowed to be upset around her. She said she can’t deal with people being sad or disappointed.

I know this about her.

Really, she’s the only good friend I have here. She told me Bambi’s jealous of my friendship with her. 

I know this, too.

I finished Glorie Steinem’s book “My Life on the Road.” Here’s some excerpts about mass incarceration and organizing ( © 2016)

P. 37 

“I could see then, because the Gandhians listened, they were listened to. Because they depended on generosity, they created generosity. Because they walked a nonviolent path, they made one seem possible. This was the practical organizing wisdom they taught me. 

If you want people to listen to you, you have to listen to them. 

If you hope people will change how they live, you have to know how they live.

If you want people to see you, you have to sit down with them eye-to-eye.”

P. 236

“As a former inmate, he wanted George W. Bush, governor of Texas at the time, to be held accountable for privatizing twenty-six prisons in that state alone.

It doesn’t make long to discover the main endive behind this profit-making motive: the American Legislative Exchange Council–a center of corporate political activism that also opposed tax increases and environmental protections–writes legislation and lobbies for the privitization of prisons. It has helped to elect about 30 percent of all our state legislators. If today’s graduating university students indentured by debt want to find a cause, they can look at most state legislatures, where tax dollars that should go into state universities are put into building and running government-owned prisons for profit…In New York City, the amount spent on housing, feeding, and guarding one person in prison for a year could pay the tuition at Harvard for more than three years.

P. 237

What struck me was not how different women in prison are, but how un-different. Inside, women tend to form family-like groups, blame themselves unreasonably, worry more about their children than about themselves, stelize uniforms to look a little better, need kindness, and want to tell their stories. What’s different is not who those women are but the higher percentage of them who have been abused as children or denied an education for forced to fight back in self-defense and then been criminalized for it.”

P. 241

“I am reminded of Bryan Stevenson’s four steps for creating change, in the secret world of prisons or elsewhere: 

There is power in proximity. Get close to the problem you feel drawn to. 

Change the narrative.

Stay hopeful.

Be willing to do uncomfortable things. 

Secrets have power only as long as they are secret.

P. 266

You cannot think yourself into right living.

You live yourself into right thinking.”

–Native Elders

P. 277

“Anybody who is experiencing something is more expert in it than the experts.”

8:30pm

Kelly orchestrated an AA meeting in the Day Room, so I attended. It was really nice. 

Categories
Life Uncategorized

Daisy’s Mother, Crystal Leschner, and Chasing Liberty

Muncy State Prison

July 26th, 2024

Friday

6:47pm

I’m just going to take the open plea to the judge and see how that goes. I’m not going to do any better with that fucking DA. I can feel it in my bones. I called my mother and told her. She seems to think it’s the right decision. I asked her about Lilly. She said she’s going to Alaska next week with her Dad. Daisy and Morocco are busy doing prison tattoos. Morocco is getting some woman’s name on her finger covered up with a tiny mustache. It’s not going well.

July 27th, 2024

Saturday

An old Black lady grabbed my arm as I walked past the other day and exclaimed, “Oh my, honey, why is your arm so bruised?” I looked down at my arm, confused. “Oh. That’s where I used to shoot up,” I said flatly. “Oh!” she said, and gripped me with both hands, “Lord Jesus! Please heal her!”

I muttered thank you, wrested my arm away, and vacated the area as quickly as possible.

Jesus Christ.

July 28th, 2024

Sunday

7:52pm

Daisy’s mother had a stroke. This is a disaster for many reasons, not the least of which is that she is responsible for five of Daisy’s children. She was talking gibberish, so Daisy’s 16-year old son called the ambulance, but they said she was stable and didn’t take her to the hospital. This doesn’t make any sense to Daisy or me. Isn’t a stroke a life-threatening emergency? I’m worried that the five younger children will end up in the system, in foster care, and Daisy won’t get them back. She still has over a year to do in prison. She cried when she said, “I just don’t know what’s going to happen to my kids,” with both of her hands on the sides of her face in a gesture of helplessness and despair. “And HE gets to get OUT!” she said, talking about her abusive ex.

The unfairness is profound, and hung in the air between us like a wall of broken glass. She angrily sorted through the things in her shower bucket. I was getting out of the shower and she was getting in. “Her mother died of a stroke when she was fifty,” she said. 

I’ve never seen Daisy look so pale and in shock.

I impotently asked her if she wanted a hug. “No, I definitely don’t want a hug,” she snapped. Zuko asked if she could at least pray for her and her mother and kids, and she relented and said yes.

Later, it turned out that her mother, Mary, had refused to go to in the ambulance. I feel helpless, too. It’s not like you can say, “What can I do?” when in reality, you are in the same boat and can’t do anything at all.

July 29th, 2024

Monday

10am

I called my lawyer. He said an open plea is what he was going to suggest. He said he’ll ask if I can plead and be sentenced on the same day. So now I have to sign paperwork, get sentenced, then see what parole is going to do with me.

4pm

Daisy got called back from the sewing shop. Her mother went to the hospital and went into cardiac arrest. She survived, but her muscles are deteriorating from non-use and poisoning her. She’s in intensive care. It sounds really bad. Daisy had to give CYS permission to place the kids. They all went with someone they know, which is good, and the two youngest are together. So much for that CYS appeal that I wrote for her. Now they have to be involved.

July 30th, 2024

Tuesday

Daisy’s mother died last night.

They said she went into organ failure. I feel completely useless. Daisy says she feels the same way. Bambi got her an e-cigarette, at least. Daisy’s sister is driving from North Carolina to Pennsylvania to deal with her mother’s affairs.

Daisy said that her mother was sitting in her own urine and feces on the couch, and the house was infested with bedbugs. Nobody knew how bad it was. 

Daisy said that her mother was her best friend.

She asked me if I would think less of her if she testified in a federal case to the the fuck out of here. 

“No.” I said.

Of course not.

The woman has seven children, five of whom need her badly. The neighbor lady went to the courthouse for temporary emergency custody of the three youngest ones. Daisy doesn’t even have her phone number. I wonder if she’ll have to fight her in court to get them back. I can’t help feeling like the nightmare is just beginning for her.

The father of two of the kids is dead, and the father of the rest of them is in prison for raping and sodomizing their daughter. I wonder if she’ll get custody of any of them back. 

Then I feel terrible for even thinking that.

July 31st, 2024

Wednesday

4:11pm

Daisy seems a little better today, and hasn’t cried as much. She decided that she doesn’t want the neighbor lady (who now has custody of three of the kids) to have the kids. She might have to be shipped back to Somerset County to fight that case. Daisy also got a message from Little Man, the ex-boyfriend who repeatedly tried to kill her. He sends his condolences. And his “love.”

Ridiculous.

She’s serving this sentence for hindering HIM. And now her mother died. Yesterday, she said, “This puts the last nail in the coffin of the Little Man thing. I’m here because of you! And my mother DIED!”

I hope she’s right.

She didn’t respond to his message. I have told her before about Crystal Leschner, whose boyfriend stabbed her to death, and then cut up her body and put it in a suitcase in a shed in his backyard in Pittsburgh. 

That was the first story I covered as a reporter for the local newspaper. I interviewed her family. 

It was awful.

Crystal had said that if she ever went missing, he would be the reason.

She turned out to be right.

August 2nd, 2024

Friday

8pm

I talked to my boys. They were playing a game with their cousin where the floor is lava, they each own different territories, and cheese is money. They each get five cheese for pushing each other into the lava.

I got a book at the library today called, “Drug Use for Grownups: Chasing Liberty in the Land of Fear,” by Dr. Carl L. Hart.

Sounds like a good read.

August 3rd, 2024

Saturday

1:30pm

Kimberly is talking to a Lieutenant because Officer Kibbe (yes, I’m naming names) is doing invasive pat searches. According to Kimberly, following one such search last week, she said, “Oh! You just touched my coochie lips!” 

Kibbe responded, “That’s okay, because I bought your dinner.”

Disgusting.

We’ll see what happens. 

Probably nothing.

Kimberly is effectively off work until the “investigation” is over.

In this book, “Drug Use for Grownups,”  it says that 70% of people who use drugs do not become addicted to them. 

The author, Dr. Carl L. Hart, tried a whole bunch of drugs in his research for this book, even becoming (on purpose) physically dependent on heroin so he could experience the withdrawal symptoms.

Interesting.

“The degree of civilization in a society can be judged by entering its prisons.”

–Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Categories
Life Uncategorized

Conversations with God, Prison Blog #7, and Starvation

Muncy State Prison

July 18th, 2024

Thursday

I’m reading the third Conversations with God book by Neale Donald Walsch, and it says that you should control your thoughts so that you only think on good thoughts, and when things are bad, express gratitude. Like–how is that possible and what fucking planet do you live on? Am I supposed to be grateful to be in prison then?

Well, I’m not.

July 21st, 2024

Sunday

News–

Biden drops out of presidential race, endorses Kamala Harris. 

BLOG #7

Neither Here Nor There: Musings from the Other Side (of the Razor Wire Fence)

So, there is a newer woman here with dreads who reportedly smells bad and masturbates constantly. Zuko has named her The Stinky Diddler. She woke Zuko up one night rifling loudly through her locker, and when she noticed Zuko was awake, the Diddler said (like it was a completely normal thing to do), “Sorry, I was just looking for something to hump.” 

Swiper, for reasons unknown, has made it her personal mission to get the Stinky Diddler removed from the Block.

Meanwhile, everyone here–or nearly everyone–is about to get their periods. Kimberly says she’s cramping so hard her butthole hurts. 

Oh my stars.

Another reason for cramping around here? The stomach virus going around. Diarrhea for everyone! This in 100F degree heat. It stinks in here. 

Also going on, Daisy wants to make hooch and Swiper has a giant zit on her chin that she’s been busy doing surgery on for a week. Like–literal surgery–with a sewing needle. Anyway, Daisy had to smack the zit cream out of her hand because she was overdoing it something fierce the other day. Daisy yelled, “Swiper, it doesn’t even have skin on it anymore!” to which Swiper shrieked in her defense, “Just ‘cuz yours has skin on it!” and scrambled to retrieve the Zit-B-Gone off the floor.

In other news, Cinnamon does a weird thing where she rubs blankets or sheets between her fingers and her thumb for comfort, which, for some reason, Kimberly and Daisy think is hilarious. Because of this, any chance they get, they now “woobie” me, which is to rub things on me or near me between their fingers. All of a sudden, I’ll see Kimberly’s disembodied arm sneaking between the wall and the bunk to randomly “woobie” me, which freaks me out, so I smack it away.
So weird.

Speaking of Kimberly sneaking around, she recently snuck back cheese to the Unit from the kitchen in her bra, which now has a giant orange greasy blob on it. In even more Kimberly sneaking, in the midst of pube shaving, Morocco, at Kimberly’s behest, threw a bowl of cold water onto Daisy in the shower. 

Daisy nearly cut off her vagina.

Meanwhile, I talked to Motorcycle the other day. He was slurry and hard to understand, so I asked him if he was drinking. “No, I’m jutht happy,” he slurred. This means he’s high as fuck, which is funny. He told me he want to bundle me up and I can be his bundle of joy because I make him happy. He was also telling me about his backyard plans, where we can party and “make whoopie…and hamburgers.”

That’s about all of the news around here right now. Swiper and Daisy have taken to calling me “The Incredible Shrinking Woman” because I keep losing weight, and Crystal Methany said at Med Line the other night that Donald Trump was not her president because she’s a reptilian.

Oh my.

She also said at dinner that there was a little man in her rice that some girl’s eyes were behind her eyes. She’s fucking crazy, and for this reason Daisy and Cinnamon sat with her for lunch–to witness the crazy. Wouldn’t you know she was completely normal with them!  So now they think I’m making the whole thing up. 

This fucking place.

Stop woobieing me!

July 23rd, 2024

Tuesday

I had court today, and they offered me four years of probation and six months of house arrest. 

Ugh.

How will I work? It seems very excessive to me. I could do an open plea to the judge and take my chances with him. I don’t know. I’m going to call my lawyer tomorrow morning and see what he thinks. Then, if I plead guilty, , I get a parole hit too.

This sucks. 

Then, back at the ranch, I woke up to Swiper putting Daisy’s creamer in my locker. She apparently took some of it and then didn’t want to get blamed for it, so she put it in my locker. 

What a jerk.

7:30pm

I talked to Gem, Motorcycle, Paul, and my mother and father. Nobody had any advice. Zuko, and everyone else here for that matter, think I should take the DA’s deal. That’s because they think anything is better than prison.

8pm

Daisy just found out that the guy who snitched on her is getting out in August. This is also the guy, Little Man, who tried to kill her several times. 

July 25th, 2024

Thursday

So, Motorcycle needs cataract surgery in both eyes. It seems like he’s getting old really fast. Like, I feel like any minute I’m going to be pushing him in a wheelchair, with him beeping and booping because of his insulin monitor, wearing a pirate eye-patch. Then he says he’s horny in the same conversation. 

Sexy. 

No wonder he thought I looked so good when he visited me–he can’t see anything!

Oh my God, is this my life?

I mean, okay, I’ll reel it in a little. I love this man. I guess I just thought there would be more time between Middle Aged and Really Old.

Ugh.

This morning when I woke up and looked in my locker, Daisy had put a note on top of my coffee cup that said, “I put creamer in your cup.” That was so nice of her. I’m out of creamer.

Let’s Get Free Magazine Issue 12, July 2024, p. 31

Hungry and Malnourished: Food Service in the Pennsylvania Department of Corrections

On May 9, 2024, The Pennsylvania Prison Society released a 20-page report–

Excerpts:

“Food served in state prisons leaves incarcerated people hungry. Meals do not provide enough calories to meet incarcerated people’s needs, according to the Dietary Guidelines for Americans (DGAs), the nutritional benchmarks that guide U.S. government policy. In a new survey of people in Pennsylvania state prisons, 80% of men and 70% of women reported being hungry every day between meals.

Menus likely contribute to diet-related illnesses. They contain twice the recommended amount of starchy vegetables and refined carbohydrates and half the fruit and vegetable servings recommended by the DGAs, exacerbating disease risk for a population disproportionately affected by chronic illnesses. Hunger forces incarcerated people to buy expensive junk food from the prison commissary. Seventy percent of incarcerated people surveyed said they rely on commissary items, such as instant ramen, honey buns, and potato chips, to get enough to eat. 

www.prisonsociety.org/resource/food-report

P. 37

The Prison Policy Initiative along with the Alliance for Safety and Justice, Crime Survivors Speak released to the public–the first of its kind–a nationwide survey that showed 82% of crime victims would prefer investing in more programs for at-risk youth and other crime prevention. 

Only 14% of crime victims prefer investing in prisons and jails.”

Categories
Life Uncategorized

Cinnamon, Blow Jobs, and CYS

Muncy State Prison

July 6, 2024

Saturday

I had a wonderful dream last night that I was back with Dubya and happy. 

Very happy.

Daisy has been very unhappy. She’s here for at least another year and her mother isn’t doing well. She’s very sick and vomiting every day and doesn’t know why. She has five of Daisy’s seven kids, and Daisy is worried. She’s trying to get her two youngest to go to the Milton Hershey School, but now they don’t want to go.

Good quote:

“You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete.”

–R. Buckminster Fuller

INTERVIEW

“Cinnamon”

38yrs

White

Four children, ages 21, 18, 16, 12

Trauma? 

Yes–domestic violence as an adult, sexual abuse as an adult

Substance abuse?

Yes, cocaine–started in 2021 to cope with abuse

Arrested 1/2022 for attempted homicide, aggravated assault

What happened?

Cinnamon and her fiance had a store, fiance’s ex-girlfriend came over to hang out with his son. Ex-girlfriend ended up giving fiance oral sex. There was a fight, Cinnamon got a gun and shot ex-girlfriend, who lost a kidney, but survived.

Sentence?

6.5-13yrs, has been incarcerated for 2.5 years

On mental health meds, denies any mental illness

“If the incident didn’t happen, I would have overdosed or he would have killed me. He overdosed and died 10 months after my arrest.”

Is prison rehabilitative?

“I think I’ve changed a lot, I’m learning to cope with anger. In County I completed the TC (Therapeutic Community) Program. I never had rehab or trauma therapy. I don’t want to go back to doing drugs. Jail kind of saved me.”

What do you do for fun?

“I love to read, play cards. On the outside I’m always with my kids, hiking. I’m not the person they portrayed me as in the news. I have remorse. I’m a good person. I’m a soccer mom. The media said I was a menace to society and the court treated me like I was a monster.”

July 7th, 2024

Sunday

It is stiflingly hot and humid out. I’m glad for my $10 fan. I’m reading “A Grip of Time: When Prison is Your Life” by Lauren Kessler. Everyone here–or nearly everyone–is about to get their periods, and most seem miserable.

2:53pm

I talked to Paul. I’m so glad he’s my friend. Even when he’s depressed, he still cracks jokes and is very funny. And he cares about me. Sometimes I feel like there are very few people on this planet who actually care about me, but he’s one of them.

Earlier, CO Monster stopped by our cell and told us a lengthy story about how his 16-year old lifeguard son saved a 3-year old from drowning the other day. It was strange to be talked to by a CO like a regular person. When he left, Swiper said, “I think he likes you, Justine.”

Weird. 

July 10th, 2024

Wednesday

4:27pm

Daisy is losing her shit. Yesterday, Bambi and I got into a heated argument over who deserves welfare in this country, and Daisy got involved, and I thought she was going to come up off her bunk at Bambi. Bambi is a self-righteous, entitled asshole who stole almost $1 million from her work and knows nothing of being on welfare. She has no remorse for her crime and even stole from a second company while out on bail working for them.

Anyway, Daisy heard that some woman is putting money on her boyfriend’s books, and she also feels like she’s losing all contact with her children. This, combined with her mother’s failing health, is wearing on her something fierce, and she says she simultaneously feels helpless and wants to scream.
I can relate.

July 11th, 2024

Thursday

That reporter from Spotlight PA messaged me and wanted to know if she could use my name in her article. I told her she could. The article is about roasting in prison. It might be reckless to let her use my name, but I feel like it’s the brave thing to do. The prison might retaliate. 

We’ll see what happens.

July 12th, 2024

Friday


There’s an inspection here today, so there are even more rules than normal. No clotheslines hanging up, no smoking on the housing units, etc. I saw a couple of guys in suits when I went to Commissary. They must be sweltering. It’s got to be in the nineties outside. Daisy wants to make hooch since they’re supposed to be giving us plums, nectarines, and peaches this week. Sangria, she says. 

Hm. 

I’m not going to the Hole for that. They gave us green plums yesterday. 

Gross.

July 13th, 2024

Saturday

4:23pm

Daisy gave up on the idea of hooch, thank God. I dissuaded her. A bunch of people here, myself included, have a stomach virus. Diarrhea for everyone. 

Kill me.

Today I had to go to some wheelchair pushing certification class where we had to demonstrate that we knew how to do three things with the chair and that was it. We didn’t even have to push anyone in the chair. That and some stupid handout that told us to take ramps backwards, which is impossible here because the ramps are too steep. This after I’ve been pushing a wheelchair for four long months now. Some say we get a raise after the class, others say no. I don’t even know how much I get paid right now, I only know that it comes to $30/month. I’m guessing 20-some cents an hour.

My stomach hurts.

7pm

News–

Assassination attempt on former President Trump

July 16th, 2024

Tuesday 


Kimberly got paroled. She’ll get out at the end of November. I’m happy for her. I have court a week from today. I have to push Ms. Grumpy Crabass around all day today and tomorrow in 100 degree heat. 

Fun.

Swiper had gastric bypass surgery and two bowel obstructions in the past, plus cancer, and now all she eats is Ramen noodle soups with juice packets on them. She doesn’t even take her thyroid medication or vitamins and then wonders why she’s tired. Daisy and I tried to have an intervention for her yesterday, but she just doesn’t seem to care about her health.

In other news, a woman here named Justine recognized me from Quehanna. I didn’t recognize her, but she remembered all kinds of things about me, like I’m a writer and I have twins…then she asked me for a dead e-cigarette.

Ugh.

8pm

Justine is getting bullied because she’s overweight and walks slowly, apparently. I stood behind her in Med Line tonight, and I asked her how her day was, and she told me about it with tears in her eyes.

People are so mean here.

Swiper got an alert from Medical that her bloodwork shows that she has iron-deficiency anemia. I’m not surprised. In fact, I AM surprised that she’s not more sick and functions as well as she does with no nutrients in her body.

I wrote an appeal for Daisy’s case with CYS. She doesn’t want them in her mother’s home, because her mother is already under enough stress and all they do is cause more trouble and offer no help.

Categories
Life Uncategorized

Homicide, Diarrhea, and Assassinations

Muncy State Prison

July 6, 2024

Saturday

I had a wonderful dream last night that I was back with Dubya and happy. 

Very happy.

Daisy has been very unhappy. She’s here for at least another year and her mother isn’t doing well. She’s very sick and vomiting every day and doesn’t know why. She has five of Daisy’s seven kids, and Daisy is worried. She’s trying to get her two youngest to go to the Milton Hershey School, but now they don’t want to go.

Good quote:

“You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete.”

–R. Buckminster Fuller

INTERVIEW

“Cinnamon”

38yrs

White

Four children, ages 21, 18, 16, 12

Trauma? 

Yes–domestic violence as an adult, sexual abuse as an adult

Substance abuse?

Yes, cocaine–started in 2021 to cope with abuse

Arrested 1/2022 for attempted homicide, aggravated assault

What happened?

Cinnamon and her fiance had a store, fiance’s ex-girlfriend came over to hang out with his son. Ex-girlfriend ended up giving fiance oral sex. There was a fight, Cinnamon got a gun and shot ex-girlfriend, who lost a kidney, but survived.

Sentence?

6.5-13yrs, has been incarcerated for 2.5 years

On mental health meds, denies any mental illness

“If the incident didn’t happen, I would have overdosed or he would have killed me. He overdosed and died 10 months after my arrest.”

Is prison rehabilitative?

“I think I’ve changed a lot, I’m learning to cope with anger. In County I completed the TC (Therapeutic Community) Program. I never had rehab or trauma therapy. I don’t want to go back to doing drugs. Jail kind of saved me.”

What do you do for fun?

“I love to read, play cards. On the outside I’m always with my kids, hiking. I’m not the person they portrayed me as in the news. I have remorse. I’m a good person. I’m a soccer mom. The media said I was a menace to society and the court treated me like I was a monster.”

July 7th, 2024

Sunday

It is stiflingly hot and humid out. I’m glad for my $10 fan. I’m reading “A Grip of Time: When Prison is Your Life” by Lauren Kessler. Everyone here–or nearly everyone–is about to get their periods, and most seem miserable.

2:53pm

I talked to Paul. I’m so glad he’s my friend. Even when he’s depressed, he still cracks jokes and is very funny. And he cares about me. Sometimes I feel like there are very few people on this planet who actually care about me, but he’s one of them.

Earlier, CO Monster stopped by our cell and told us a lengthy story about how his 16-year old lifeguard son saved a 3-year old from drowning the other day. It was strange to be talked to by a CO like a regular person. When he left, Swiper said, “I think he likes you, Justine.”

Weird. 

July 10th, 2024

Wednesday

4:27pm

Daisy is losing her shit. Yesterday, Bambi and I got into a heated argument over who deserves welfare in this country, and Daisy got involved, and I thought she was going to come up off her bunk at Bambi. Bambi is a self-righteous, entitled asshole who stole almost $1 million from her work and knows nothing of being on welfare. She has no remorse for her crime and even stole from a second company while out on bail working for them.

Anyway, Daisy heard that some woman is putting money on her boyfriend’s books, and she also feels like she’s losing all contact with her children. This, combined with her mother’s failing health, is wearing on her something fierce, and she says she simultaneously feels helpless and wants to scream.
I can relate.

July 11th, 2024

Thursday

That reporter from Spotlight PA messaged me and wanted to know if she could use my name in her article. I told her she could. The article is about roasting in prison. It might be reckless to let her use my name, but I feel like it’s the brave thing to do. The prison might retaliate. 

We’ll see what happens.

July 12th, 2024

Friday


There’s an inspection here today, so there are even more rules than normal. No clotheslines hanging up, no smoking on the housing units, etc. I saw a couple of guys in suits when I went to Commissary. They must be sweltering. It’s got to be in the nineties outside. Daisy wants to make hooch since they’re supposed to be giving us plums, nectarines, and peaches this week. Sangria, she says. 

Hm. 

I’m not going to the Hole for that. They gave us green plums yesterday. 

Gross.

July 13th, 2024

Saturday

4:23pm

Daisy gave up on the idea of hooch, thank God. I dissuaded her. A bunch of people here, myself included, have a stomach virus. Diarrhea for everyone. 

Kill me.

Today I had to go to some wheelchair pushing certification class where we had to demonstrate that we knew how to do three things with the chair and that was it. We didn’t even have to push anyone in the chair. That and some stupid handout that told us to take ramps backwards, which is impossible here because the ramps are too steep. This after I’ve been pushing a wheelchair for four long months now. Some say we get a raise after the class, others say no. I don’t even know how much I get paid right now, I only know that it comes to $30/month. I’m guessing 20-some cents an hour.

My stomach hurts.

7pm

News–

Assassination attempt on former President Trump