Tag: Sex

WOMEN’S CENTER

May 3rd, 2018

Thursday

Day 304

2pm

The new woman, Sandra, isn’t doing so hot. She threw up this morning and now has a migraine that won’t go away. It’s about 80 degrees out today. It’s hard to believe it was snowing two weeks ago. I have a kidney infection brewing, I just know it. I told Big, but my doctor wants lab work, and we’re not going to Coudersport again until Tuesday. I’m so pissed. I just need a fucking antibiotic! 

Ugh.

In any case, I guess I’ll read this Forgiveness book:

1. Sin creates a deficit in God’s economy because whenever there is sin, something is taken or demanded from the sinner. Historically, whenever human beings sin against God, He provides a channel through which fellowship can be established and maintained. 

Atonement means “to cover.”

More than retribution, God wants to fellowship with us. 

A major hindrance to the ability to experience God’s forgiveness is the unwillingness to accept God’s frame of reference concerning sin and the individual’s inability to do anything about it.

“Through His name everyone who believes in Him receives forgiveness of sins.”  –Acts 10:43

10:30pm

I’m supposed to be sleeping, but I can’t. The air is warm and wet, and all I can hear are the peepers outside peeping to each other. It’s nights like this that I would stay up and write because there’s just the right amount of solitude and inspiration in the air. But alas, I cannot, and will be forced to turn my light out soon.

At the meeting tonight I talked about pain. The pain in my body because of the damp weather and the pain in my heart for my drunk sister. Tori talks of how she is afraid to leave and I can’t wait to be anywhere but here. Nikolai may be getting an apartment in Roulette, by the sounds of it. Tori has been refusing to consider Roulette as an option because we have no vehicle and there is nothing but a post office and a small convenience store. I hate Roulette, but I would love to be close to Tiger. I’d give anything for her to be able to walk to my house if she wanted to. 

Maybe I’ll talk more to Tori about it.

I guess I’ll try to sleep rather than wait for the staff to yell at me about my light.

11:30pm

Can’t sleep.

These visions of sexcapades past keep dancing through my head. I think it’s because it’s one of those nights that would be fantastic to stay up all night making love. 

So quiet and peaceful.

The air is thick with humidity, but it’s cool enough that it’s not sticky. 

Just the right temperature to roll around with somebody special and play and have fun.

Which makes me think of Tori. Not having sex with her, but the fact that the sexual harassment at work is such that she’s allowing people to touch her now inappropriately and acts as if she is a small child and is powerless to stop it. It makes me mad on some level that she won’t stand up for herself; but sad too, because she was horribly sexually abused as a child. Her bipolar disorder is manifesting itself more severely than normal now too, I think because she actually feels on some level as if she IS a child.

She says she never grew up. 

I told her that now is the time.

She refuses to assert herself, always with a smile on her face, no matter what she actually feels inside. 

One man at work in particular, Bill, is exploiting her niceness and it makes me boil inside. 

My hand hurts too much to keep writing. 

More later, probably.

12:30am

Still can’t sleep. I got up to pee, and while walking back to my room, through the glass doors I saw a deer glide silently across the parking lot, ever reminding me that she is free, and I sit in a cage. 

While I was lying awake I was aspiring to the future and dreaming a dream. Here’s my dream: I’d like to (with my millions of dollars) buy that giant Adelphia building in the middle of Coudersport and turn it into a Vet Tech School with a free emergency animal hospital in it.

Wouldn’t that be amazing?

It would revitalize Coudersport, as well as help the community and the animals in it. As it stands, there is one tiny vet clinic in Coudersport that does not take emergencies.

I wonder what the PCAAP (Potter County Animal Assistance Project) people would think of this idea…they’re sitting on a couple million dollars…hmmmmm.

They pay to spay and neuter stray animals and the animals of people who cannot afford to have their animals spayed and neutered (like me). 

I miss my cats.

I have a feeling that my rat is dead.

He had two cancerous lumps when I left a year ago.

Poor thing.

I have to get Kidowed published somehow. I can’t wait to get the fuck out of here.

The End.

Try to sleep again.

I’m surprised they haven’t yelled at me yet.

May 4th, 2018

Day 305

Friday

6am

I slept like shit last night. Woke up about a hundred times. I’m in some pain today–my hands are hurting. I guess I’ll read my forgiveness book.

12pm

Great. 

I have no idea what I did but Big says he’s “disappointed” in me. Just said that and walked away. 

Jesus Christ what the fuck did I do NOW???!!!!

He’s so judgmental I can’t stand it. Way to fuck up my day.

Well, I found out.

Big’s mad at me because I apparently was “fraternizing” with Nick, a guy I know that showed up at the meeting last night. I gave the kid a hug, for God’s sake.

Fuck.

I can’t win.

Nick was at the meeting because he brought Harley, who is in love with Tori, who actually IS fraternizing with him. I also hugged three other guys last night, but he doesn’t seem to care about that!

Fuck!

Then he called me a cougar, which is funny, because Nick is 15 years younger than me. 

What the fuck.

I can’t win with this guy. 

It’s NA!!

WE HUG!!

There’s something I’m missing to this, because I’ve been hugging guys in front of Big for months, and he never cared before Nick. 

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…………..I know Nick has the reputation of being a playboy, but please.

5:30pm

We got another new lady–Brenda. She seems to have no sort of personality whatever–I guess we’ll see.

Oh crap, the weather just got super nasty–there’s a tornado warning. Now we don’t get to go to a meeting or smoke for the rest of the night.

Blech.

8pm

In-house NA meeting. Brenda is very young–not even 20 years old yet, she said. She’s one of those people who you can’t tell her intelligence level because her mouth is hanging open all of the time. I know she’s on Lithium, because I saw some of her meds out in the Med Room. She’s probably bipolar. 

Like the rest of us.

In any case, my medication to treat my Hep-C came in today, I’ll start it tomorrow. It’s an 8-week treatment, and it’s supposed to work for over 90% of people, to be curative.

10:30pm

Hanging out with Tori–now we’re talking about sex. Sex with Nick specifically. Jolene is after him and says she hears he’s hung like a horse.

Hm.

I’d rather not think about it–it just frustrates me. 

I just asked Tori where Kat and the other Residential Worker went and she said, “Probably tongue punching each other’s fart box.”

She’s so funny.

I don’t know where she comes up with this shit.

Jolene’s talking about Bloods and Crips and gangbangers. 

I guess I don’t know anything about that. 

May 5th, 2018

Day 306

Saturday

12pm

Brenda seems to be doing better today–she helped with planting seeds for the garden. I’m a little worried about her–she seems like a child.

I miss my Tiger.

I wonder how she’s doing. 

I miss being a Vet Tech.

I miss everything from my old life.

I guess I’ll read this forgiveness book instead of wallowing in self-pity.

7pm

Off to a meeting in Coudersport. Tori’s pissed that we’re not going to Galeton because she was going to get cigarettes from Harley and told him to go to Galeton. I guess he also went shopping for clothes for her…I don’t see how she would have gotten any of them back to the Center, but whatev.

May 6th, 2018

Day 307

Sunday

2am

Can’t sleep. 

Fire whistle went off and then of course tons of sirens to follow. At the meeting last night Brash and one of the women he fucks showed up, him with the dog he abuses and a boa constrictor around his neck.

Gawd.

Self-centered much?

I need to stop being so judgmental. 

When we got back I finished my book on forgiveness–good book, although super religious. It suggests that you should make lists of all of the people you have bitterness towards and what they did to you, and then pretend you are face to face with them and go through a series of steps in order to forgive them and emotionally release them so that you might be set free. 

I guess Brash and his Bitches would be on my list–they helped land me here.

Oh, great–they just told me I have to turn off my light. 

Why is some of the staff cool and then others suck?

I hope I can sleep.

I guess the dude who used to work the night shift was going to get fired, so he quit. He was doing drugs with Jolene not so long ago, and word got out.

Okay, good night.

WOMEN’S CENTER

I don’t have any idea where these Discussion Topics came from, but, just for funsies, I’ll answer them.

1. Do you keep a diary or journal?
   1. Yes
2. Should schools offer cash bonuses for good test scores?
   1. Yes
3. Would you like to take a class online?
   1. If it was free, yes.
4. Are children of illegal immigrants entitled to public education?
   1. Yes, they should be.
5. What is your personal credo?
   1. Lead with love.
6. Should students be required to take drug tests?
   1. No, especially if they are going to be punished for doing drugs, which is the aim of the tests to begin with. It doesn’t solve the problem, and usually makes it worse.
7. Do attractive people have advantages others don’t?
   1. Yes.
8. What journey do you most want to make?
   1. The journey to finding out who I really am.
9. What are you afraid of?
   1. Losing another child and alligators. They don’t seem to have a soul, from what I can tell.
10. Do you trust your government?
    1. Not as far as I could throw it.
11. Who is your role model?
    1. Jesus Christ
12. Do you have good manners?
    1. I most certainly do not.
13. Should fertilized eggs be given legal personhood?
    1. That’s preposterous. Absolutely not.
14. What challenges have you set for yourself?
    1. Saving the world.
15. Have you experienced sexual harassment?
    1. Nearly every day in the outside world.
16. Do leaders have moral obligations?
    1. Yes, that is what makes them leaders in the first place.
17. Would you want to be home-schooled?
    1. By my mother?? Most certainly no.
18. Do presidential candidates need to be good debaters?
    1. Yes, if they want to win elections, they do.
19. Do you shop at locally owned businesses?
    1. Yes, whenever I can afford it, I do.
20. Are you a brand?
    1. I am most certainly not, and what an insult.
21. What do you read?
    1. Lately? Books on mass incarceration and social justice issues.
22. Which is more important: Talent or hard work?
    1. God-given talents are extremely important, but one must work hard at honing and improving them. I don’t know that one is more important than the other.
23. What are you grateful for?
    1. Everything good in my life, and some of the hardships too.
24. Do you sympathize with the Occupy Wall Street Movement?
    1. Yes
25. What are you good at?
    1. Writing, compassion, listening, mothering.
26. Should the morning after pill be sold over the counter to people under 17?
    1. Yes, if people under 17 are having sex, then definitely.
27. What new emoticons does the world need?
    1. One for rolling eyes.
28. When in your life have you been a leader?
    1. When I was a teacher at the Vet Tech Institute, when I was a manager at the Cat Clinic.
29. Do photoshopped images make you feel bad about your own looks?
    1. Why on Earth would a computer generated image make me feel bad about what I look like?
30. What would you put in your emergency “go-bag”?
    1. Food, water, blankets, umbrella, mascara.
31. What artists or bands of today are destined for the Rock-n-Roll Hall of Fame?
    1. Benson Boone, I think, for sure.
32. Are we losing the art of listening?
    1. Yes, most certainly.
33. Can you be good without God?
    1. No one is without God. The question itself is absurd.
34. Do you discuss religion with friends?
    1. Not religion so much, but spirituality, yes.
35. Would you consider deleting your Facebook?
    1. Yes, if it became a nuisance.
36. What will you remember most from 2017?
    1. That Donald Trump was President and I hated it.
37. What’s your favorite holiday food memory?
    1. Just the smell of turkey and family gatherings.
38. Do you have a signature clothing item?
    1. High heels
39. What places in your past do you appreciate more now, from a distance?
    1. The Vet Tech Institute in its early years–I wanted everything to be done, and done perfectly, and I didn’t allow for the fact that no one had done this before and we didn’t know what we were doing and there was going to be some growing pains.
40. What would you personal mascot be?
    1. A lioness in all her glory
41. What is your favorite place?
    1. My favorite place is wherever my children are
42. What if your parent ran for President?
    1. Well, my father would make a wonderful and fair and wise President
    2. My mother, however, would rule with an iron fist, and she would be a dictator with a regime and all the things. It would be miserable.
43. What’s your favorite slang term?
    1. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassssssssssssssssssssss Bitch!!!
44. Should charities focus more on America?
    1. Heavens. What a question. Charities should put their focus on EVERYONE. Not one specific group or cliche or whatever happened to me happened to you too, but ALL of the needs, because there are so many needs all over the world. Especially right now, when the world is crumbling beneath our very feet, and America’s Democracy doesn’t exist anymore.
45. Given unlimited resources, what scientific or medical problem would you investigate?
    1. Global warming. I would pour all of my resources and my heart and soul into everyone living sustainably so that the planet would be saved.
46. What would you like to learn on your own?
    1. How to play the guitar and sing at the same time.
47. Who would you share your passwords with?
    1. Motorcycle and no one else.
48. Do you cook?
    1. Every day, or nearly every day. Sometimes I take a day off and Motorcycle cooks.
49. Who inspires you?
    1. Motorcycle in my personal circle. He works hard to always be learning something new. Out in the world? Peacemakers like Mahatma Gandhi and trailblazers like Oprah Winfrey.
50. Do you like being alone?
    1. Nobody likes being alone for extended periods of time, but some moments of quiet solitude are required for making art.
51. How do male and female roles differ in your family?
    1. In my immediate family–Motorcycle and me–there are not differing “roles” for us as far as a power structure goes, which is what I’m assuming you’re asking about. We are equally powerful in our own right. The dog, however, is not consulted for decision-making.
52. Do you eat too quickly?
    1. Yes, which is a throwback from being in jails and prisons. They only give you about four minutes to eat your entire meal, so that you may not enjoy it at all. It’s slop anyway, and not enjoyable in the least.
53. How should you handle the end of a friendship?
    1. In the very unfortunate event of a friendship ending, I would say that people should part ways peaceably and as amicably as possible. If they are so different that they simply cannot be friends, then they should just go their separate ways, without a lot of bluster and name-calling.
54. Should home-schoolers be allowed to play public sports?
    1. Yes, absolutely. These children are still a part of the community, and should not be ostracized.
55. Can kindness become cool?
    1. Yes. If anyone, like Jesus Christ, for instance, who is in a position of power and influence, would actually practice it in a public and purposeful way.
56. What have you done to earn money?
    1. I have worked very hard as first a veterinary technician, and then later as a writer. In other odd jobs, I worked in a pet store, in fast food, in a book store, and in a factory, all of which I hated. I have also, in my most desperate times, have had sex and sold drugs for money, which I also hated. 
57. What questions do you have about how the world works?
    1. I want to know why hate seems to be ruling the planet right now, when good is so easy to do.
58. How do you feel about zoos?
    1. Animals should never be caged. It is inhumane and cruel in a profound and soul-killing way. Human beings should never be caged either.
59. Would you quit if your values didn’t match your employers?
    1. Yes, and I have done that very thing.
60. What’s the coolest thing you’ve ever seen in a museum?
    1. Dinosaur skeletons
61. What small things have you seen and taken note of today?
    1. I engaged three people in small talk, and remembered their stories.
62. What movies, shows, or books do you wish had sequels, spinoffs, or new episodes?
    1. I’ll never get tired of anything Sex in the City or Grey’s Anatomy.
63. What would you do if you won the lottery?
    1. I would buy my dream house that would fit all of me and Motorcycles things, and all of my children and their things. I would set up college funds for my children. I would donate to charities that I believe in. I would use the money for good whenever I could.
64. Do you want to write a book?
    1. Yes, I do. And I have written three books already. They’re on Amazon for sale.
65. Should couples live together before marriage?
    1. Absolutely
66. Is it ethical to eat meat?
    1. It is not ethical to eat any sentient being. Eating meat is like eating another human being, with no regard for their life or heart or soul or dreams or hopes or loves or anything. Eating meat is murder of sentient beings, and we do not have to do that anymore, and so we shouldn’t.
67. What is your fantasy vacation?
    1. I want to see all of the beautiful islands
68. When did you last have a great conversation?
    1. I had a great conversation two days ago with my twin sister, learning things we didn’t know about each other.
69. Is TV too white?
    1. Absolutely. The world is not white. TV shouldn’t be either.
70. Why do you share photos?
    1. To connect me with other people, and to share our stories.
71. How necessary is a college education?
    1. I believe that everyone who wants to should be able to get a college education. For free.
72. How important is keeping your cool?
    1. Extremely important. Especially in volatile situations. People who panic are the ones who escalate the situations and make them dangerous.
73. What’s cluttering up your life?
    1. All of Motorcycle’s belongings crammed into this tiny apartment.
74. When have you ever failed at something? What happened as a result?
    1. I have failed at a great many things. And as a result, I learned what not to do next time.
75. How should parents address internet pornography?
    1. Parents should be candid and honest about pornography on the internet, and they should let their kids know that sex doesn’t happen like that in real life, and that these are extreme examples of ridiculous ideas. Making love is not featured in pornography, and so pornography should be avoided, as it is not realistic and can be addictive and create unrealistic expectations about what sex should be like. Pornography is dangerous in that way, and it also normalized rape, which should never, ever be normal.
76. How far would you go for fashion?
    1. I don’t know–if it looks good on me, I wear it, and if it doesn’t, I don’t.
77. Who would be the ideal celebrity neighbor?
    1. Angelina Jolie–all those kids, and she seems like a fun, smart person to hang out with.
78. What advice would you give to somebody who just started dating?
    1. Don’t lie to make yourself look better, and always be kind and lead with your true personality. If it doesn’t work out–and most dates will not be your soul mate–then at least you did your best.
79. How full is your glass?
    1. Three-quarters
80. What’s your comfort food?
    1. Donuts
81. What is your opinion about the morning after pill?
    1. It should be widely available for anyone having sex, and it should be free. We should not be forcing women to have babies that they do not want and are unprepared for.
82. When should juvenile offenders receive life sentences?
    1. Never. By definition, a juvenile “offender’s” brain is not fully developed. Even if the crime they committed was severe, they would not be capable of fully grasping the gravity of it until years later. How can you hold someone accountable for a crime they don’t fully understand?