Tag: Grief

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My Birthday, Grabbin’ Ass, and Neverending Trauma

WOMEN’S CENTER

June 7th, 2018

Thursday

Day 339

8am

Time for Community. Sugar Momma is asking Sandra questions, and Sandra is taking nine years to answer each one. 

Gawd.

Mr. Big looks good today (always). I hope I get to work on the computer today. The meeting last night was okay–there are two people that talk way too much and take over the whole meeting spouting the same thing every time. Ken was there, and he must have hugged me 17 times. He and his girlfriend were fighting like cats and dogs outside the meeting beforehand. He was embarrassed when he walked in, and seemed very sex-deprived. He grabbed my butt and growled in my ear, which is uncharacteristic of him.

This Community is taking an eon.

Ugh.

11am

Now I am waiting on hold forever for the Social Security people to pick up the phone. Well, 32 minutes, to be exact. I guess I’ll read the new book Tori found here, “Bottom Line’s 2017 Health Breakthroughs.”

We’ll see what’s interesting in here.

June 8th, 2018

Friday

Day 340

2:30pm

Jesus Christ. I just got yelled at by the Sleep Nazi because I went to my room after waiting for 20 minutes for group to start and then nothing happened.

Bitch.

So now we’re sitting in the fucking Common Room doing absolutely nothing for no reason at all. She’s like, “I know you’re not sleeping during group!” And then I come out, and there’s no fucking group at all.

God.

She’s such a cunt sometimes.

June 9th, 2018

Saturday

Day 341

10pm

My birthday is tomorrow. Yippee skippy. Tori got some new hair dye at the dollar store. She wants me to bleach it for her. There’s a stupid Lifetime movie on called “Psycho Brother In Law.”

How dumb.

I did June’s custody paperwork today. I hope she gets somewhere with it. We’re up to thirteen people here now. I can’t wait to leave. There are absolutely NO apartments for rent online–they’re all for sale.

Bummer.

I didn’t go to the meeting tonight–had a terrible headache. I think I have a sinus infection. Time to dye Tori’s hair.

June 10th, 2018

Sunday

Day 342

9am

Happy birthday to me. Everybody is bitchy this morning. Time for Community. 

Blech.

10am

Finally I get to read my book–my new one is called, “Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve.”

Let’s see if there’s anything good in here:

It’s by Lewis B. Smedes

The Four Stages of Forgiving:

Hurt, hate, healing, and the coming together.

“The hurt that created a crisis of forgiving has three dimensions. It is always personal, unfair, and deep.”

“Forgiving is love’s remedy to be used when we are hurtfully wronged by a person we trusted to treat us right.”

Watching the Hunger Games now. President Snow says, “Hope is the only thing stronger than fear.”

I believe it.

3pm

I’m waiting for my kids to get here–all three of them are coming! It’s only supposed to be the boys, but when I called Dubya to talk to Lilly, he said she should be here!

Will wonders never cease.

I’m truly shocked that he let her come.

My ex-brother-in-law called too, and the staff let me speak to him for a minute, so that was nice. I guess he’s going to come visit me on Wednesday night.

6pm

The kids and I had fun. They each gave me a birthday card, and my parents gave me $20. The women here gave me a card too, which was really sweet. We’re watching, “Wonder,” which is about a little boy with a deformed face, and has Julia Roberts in it.

“When given the choice between being right, and being kind, choose kind.”

Word.

8pm

I have to say, I’ve had a good birthday, which I never thought would happen here. My sponsor came, and we mostly talked about how worried I am about moving in with Tori…I think maybe it’s not working for a reason.

9pm

New movie–talking about  how forgiveness will set you free. God, I hope so, because I am working hard at it.

Of course this is a love story–it makes me (selfishly) notice how lonely I am…

June 11th, 2018

Day 343

Monday

5:30am

Couldn’t sleep. I got up at 4am, and then tried to go back to bed, but I just kept waking up every 10 minutes, so I got up. Jolene is up too–she says her face hurts from the weather–it’s cold out, I guess. Apparently her ex showed up near the meeting again last night, even though they were just in court getting a PFA reinstated. 

I guess he was fishing near where the meeting was, and then when he saw her, he ran away. 

Fun times.

I’m glad I wasn’t there.

I get sick of Jolene’s mouth running all of the time. She’ll tell the same (pity-party) story 1500 times over, especially when something like that happens. Not that I don’t feel for her, but damn.

I’m being a bitch.

I guess I’ll read my forgiveness book.

1pm

Now we have a goal setting group. This should be fun. I guess Tori isn’t going to Crossroads today with me. Stupid Sandra made Tori cry this morning by being rude to her in group. 

Now Sandra is crying for reasons unknown. She just got off the phone with her lawyer, so that’s not a good sign. Tori is currently spraying Lysol on everything and it’s giving me a headache. Now Sandra’s saying she needs to call the judge. I bet her lawyer told her that since she ran away, she can’t get early release.

One of the new residents is sneezing and coughing and snotting all over the place–I just know I’m going to get sick.

I can feel it.

6pm

Doing group now. The man the TV is saying, “If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.”

Tori just pointed out that she can mime her name by pointing to her toe and then her knee. 

This group is hella boring. It’s about personal responsibility.. 

Tori and I have decided to make World Rules instead:

  1. Every female baby born gets an IUD at age 10. No forced reproduction.
  2. Everybody has to take parenting classes in school.
  3. Everybody must obtain a license to have a child

June 12th, 2018

Tuesday

Day343

9am

Driving to Wellsboro now with Larry. He’s telling a story about hitting a turkey vulture with his car, which he almost did again right now.

Whew!

Those are a damn big bird up close. 

Anyway, the funny story of the week is that Tori was –story interrupted.

I just talked for two straight hours about terrible things that happened to these women. Beatings, rape, sodomy with a knife even.

I’m trying and trying and trying to lift them up with words, but maybe it’s like remembering things–you have to write it down.

So I’ll write it.

It seems like I’m always dealing with the aftermath of something. 

It’s tragic, really.

I just don’t know what to say.

People need to know that they’re important.

That they matter.

4pm

Just one thing after another today. Helen’s on TV. Hallelujah. Something easy.

Sandra and Elaine even got into a fight during the staff meeting and Tori and I had to mediate. They eventually kissed and made up, though. 

Not literally.

Mr. Big’s head would explode.

I’m just glad the day is winding down. I feel like I said, “You are strong. You can do it,” about a million times today. 

I did my best.

I’m still Senior Resident here even if I don’t have the title–I’m everybody’s Mom.

Jolene is on furlough right now so that she can go to court to get a settlement for the case in which she was beaten severely on camera at an Acorn market, and nobody helped her. I hope they give her a lot of money. 

She deserves it.

I think I’ll read my Bible. Still on Isaiah. 

********MISSING PAGES************

That the things that happen to us when we’re little determine how the rest of our lives go.

That words, when used as weapons, are worse than anything that could happen physically to you, so be careful with them.

2:30pm

Parenting classes.

One of the new women, Diane, pulled me aside to talk when I got back from Crossroads, and told me that she had been informed today of her probable ovarian cancer.

I just listened, and held her while she cried.

It was awful.

She’s terrified.

And she has a nine-month old at home. 

Later, with her permission (actually, she asked me to), I shared with the group what was going on, and we all hugged her and cried with her. Better to spread the pain and struggle around than to have only one person bear it all.

***************MISSING SECTIONS*************

Tori: “I have to eat less! My underwear look like a thong, and they’re not a thong!”

I am realizing some things about Tori.

She’s endured far more emotional pain than I thought. 

Her first memory, ever, of life, is of being raped when she was four. 

Trauma as an introduction to the world. This is life, now go from here. How do you do that? Well, she did. Her courage and strength amazes me.

She just pointed toward Mr. Big’s name on her 8th Step amends work, but what I noticed is that first on her list is Brayden, her firstborn, who died in the womb at six months gestation.

Why on Earth would she blame herself for his death??!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m going to have to start at the very beginning with her! Trauma after trauma after trauma has built her life.

God, let me be her STOP sign. Girl, put the baseball bat down. Stop beating yourself up over what you had no control over.

10:30pm

God.

Jolene showed me pictures that her crooked lawyer’s helpful secretary slipped her of her face after the beating she took at the Acorn in 2012.

It’s so horrible to look at that dumb Jo, instead of being empathetic, was traumatized by the pictures, and kept repeating, “Jolene! Why would you show that to me! Now I’m never going to get THAT picture out of my head!”

Jo herself was beaten by a man so severely that it cracked her skull. She has an indent in her head still where he slammed her head onto a concrete floor as hard as he could.

I just wonder–why is no one empowering these women?

When is the abuse going to end??

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E-Porn, Isaiah, and dead babies

THE WOMEN’S CENTER

June 2nd, 2018

Saturday

Day 334

11:30am

Yay! I get to watch the E! Channel! It’s like my porn–it’s my guilty pleasure. Tori dyed my hair, and I’’m waiting to rinse it out–I can’t wait–I love getting my hair dyed–it always makes me feel better.

11pm

I felt like crap all day because of the weather, but on the way back from the meeting, we all sang songs, which made me feel better. 

Now Tori and I are watching some funny movie with Will Farrell and Kevin Hart about prison.

June/3/2018

Sunday

Day 335

2pm

We’re watching superhero movies on TNT. The last one was, “I Am Legend” with Will Smith. It’s good, except he has to strangle his own dog. Now “The Green Lantern is on. Fifteen minutes until my kids get here. I can’t wait. This movie is very strange.

8pm

Oh my–While I was visiting with my sponsor, Sandra decided that she was leaving–and left!! So then the police came and Mr. Big came and hauled her back here, saying it was her last chance before jail.

My, my, my.

Of course Big looked as hot as ever–grrrrrrrrrr…..I can’t stop thinking about him lately!

It’s Bad. 

Maybe Sandra has a crush on him too and just wanted to see him really bad.

Anyway, the visit with my kids went well. Tiger brought a jump rope with her, and jump-roped all around the dining room, and King told me that he had to go to the doctor for shoving a rock up his nose. I guess Jaxon was traumatized because there was so much blood, but Henry wasn’t particularly upset about it.

He’s had a history of putting things up his nose since he was small. Once I tweezed out a rubber band. 

Apparently the doctor looked in his nose, and did not think that it was in his sinuses. 

I sure hope not.

They’d need a CT scan to find that out, and I would imagine they’d have to sedate a four-year old to scan him.

Omg–there is this new show coming out where people get married first, and then get to know each other.

That sounds ridiculous.

Now we’re watching a show where some lunatic snatches a child because his former wife said that he raped her. Then he started living in a bunker underground with bombs all around it, and brings the kid with him. 

I guess it’s a true story, which is terrifying.

10pm

I guess Mr. Big was the one who stopped Sandra and made her come back to the Center. Kat says this is her last chance. Now her room is across from Big’s office.

Bed time.

June 4th, 2018

Monday

Day 336

7:30am

I got up at 5:30am today and took a shower and did my hair straight. Now we’re watching, “Say Yes to the Dress,” which makes me kind of sad.

I love weddings. I love getting married. The dress, the flowers, the music–everything.

12:30pm

On my way to Coudersport, reading my Bible again. Mr. Big thinks that this is one of the best quotes from the Bible: 

Isaiah 40:31: 

But those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;

They shall mount up with wings like eagles;

They shall run and not be weary;

They shall walk and not be faint.”

I guess I’ll read Isaiah.

5pm

Back at the Center–Ms. June is back. I guess rehab didn’t go so well for her. 

In any case, my doctor took X-rays of my shoulder and said that I have bone spurs and that she’s worried about a partial rotator cuff tear, so I need an MRI. The problem is that my insurance won’t pay for an MRI until I have at least six weeks of physical therapy, so that’s what I have to do for the next six weeks.

I guess my ex-brother-in-law called and want to discuss “housing options’ in case I don’t find a place before July 6th and have to stay with him for a while. I’d better call him, because he wants to move to New York, and I can’t leave the state.

June 5th, 2018

Tuesday

Day 337

8am

I talked to my ex-brother in law about NY, and he told me that he would be happy to stay in PA so that I would have a place to live, which is really generous of him.

12:30pm

TED Talk Brene Brown Vulnerability

Connection

Shame = Fear of Disconnection

Shame = I’m not good enough

Excruciating Vulnerability

Worthiness = Believed that they were worthy of a strong sense of love and belonging.

Whole-Hearted

What makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful

Shame – Core – Vulnerability – birthplace – joy

We numb…everything.

Isaiah 40:31 “Though youths grow weary and tired, avid vigorous young men stumble badly. Yet those that wait for the Lord with gain new strength;

They will mount up with wings like eagles,

They will run and not be weary,

They will walk and not be faint.”

The woman in group gave a piece of paper with this on it highlighted in pink because when I was talking to another person about how her life would get better, and it reminded her of a Bible verse… * 🙂 *

2pm

Okay God, I get it. I walked into parenting class and sat down and got this 3 x 5 index card handed to me: “ I am open about sharing my religious and spiritual beliefs with my child.”

I have never spoken a word of the Gospel to my children. I thought I had the answers to everything.

NOPE.

I guess I’ll have to get on that.

June 6th, 2018

Day 338

8am

Time for Community. Tori might be leaving today. She doesn’t have anywhere to go. I don’t even think that she talked to the Big Boss about staying next door in the homeless people part of the building. I wrote her up a letter to read to the judge, so I hope it goes well for her. I also wrote Jolene up a reference letter to help her get Senior Resident, so I hope that goes well for her. She’s currently wearing a shirt that says, “New Balls Please.”

I have no idea what that means. The reading today is on avoiding self-pity. Brenda is currently stumbling through the second reading at a snail’s pace. 

Poor girl.

She doesn’t read very well.

Mr. Big hasn’t shown himself yet today…I wonder what he thought of my reference letter for Jolene. Jo has been bitching a lot lately about how much trouble she’s been in impotently. It’s super annoying. She got herself in the situation she’s in, and she’s still asking everyone for their pills!!

Sugar Momma told me the other day that she told staff about the drug seeking. I told her to, and I’m glad she did, because it’s got to stop! Just won’t let it die and be overwith!

Brenda is talking about how much she likes Family Guy. This is taking forever. Now Jo is bitching about how much stuff she has to do before tomorrow. 

Lord have mercy.

10am

I need to put in my resume at the Public Defender! Their paralegal retired! I didn’t even think of that! The Big Boss brought it up!

Great idea!

11am

Blech. Now my useless caseworker’s here.

1pm

Jolene is the new Senior Resident, and she’s desperately trying in vain to run a group on positive thinking. Oh good, Mr. Big took over.

  1. Start your day with cheers and smiles.
  2. Ask for guidance–pray! 

“Id rather have an enemy that slaps me in the face than a friend who stabs me in the back.” –Honesty

  1. Plan
  2. Set goals and prioritize
  3. Be detached from the outcome
  4. Try new things and challenges

“Worrying is paying a debt on a balance you may never owe.”

  1. Balance your desires
  2. Be realistic
  3. Keep track of your mental and physical health
  4. Love yourself
  5. Laugh
  6. Associate with positive people
  7. Make it a habit to ask questions
  8. Be open
  9. Trust in other people
  10. Learn from experience
  11. Count your blessings
  12. Kiss your worries goodbye
  13. Forgive and forget
  14. Keep a list of your goals and actions

Bible:

Isaiah:

“Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and will not be afraid; for the Lord God is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation.”

7:30pm

We’re on our way to my meeting and the AA meeting in Coudersport. The Resident Worker, Tammy, thought that it would be a good idea if everyone went to my grief group instead of the AA meeting. Unexpectedly, Tori started gushing tears and getting super upset at the thought of going to my group. She lost a baby, Brayden, at six months pregnant. I’m not sure how long ago that was. It made me realize how much pain she’s still in. I guess today in court, the judge asked her how many kids she had, and it was a real trigger for her. 

Bereaved parents never know what to say when they’re asked this question. There’s a song on the radio saying, “That which doesn’t kill me, will only make me stronger.” They don’t know whether to include the dead child along with their live ones, because when they do, it makes people uncomfortable, but when they don’t, it feels like a betrayal to the deceased child, negating their existence altogether.

I hope Tori knows how strong she is, and how much she is loved. She told me Brayden died eight years ago. That’s not very long. It is still fresh for her, an open wound.

8pm

Meeting–

This guy is talking about having his ego stroked and said, “Ask God to make me the kind of man my dog thinks I am.”

“You cannot shake a hand with a clenched fist.”

“I don’t let people walk through my mind with dirty feet.”

“And eye for an eye would make the whole world blind.”

“Be the change you want to see in the world.”

–Ghandi

11pm

We got two new women today, one just a half an hour ago. I guess she’s in her room doing some non-stop jerky-movements. June demonstrated for me. Jolene just gave me a book titled “Forgive and Forget,” by Lewis B. Smedes. 

Hm.

It’s copyright 1984. Since we got this NEW woman just now, the staff sent us all to our rooms, so of course Tori and I and June played cards in the middle of the hallways sitting on the floor and singing songs. 

It was fun.

I love Tori so much.

She’s probably one of the best friends I’ve ever had. On the way home from the meeting, we talked about the children we lost, and how it has affected us.

It was good.

******************************************************************

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Life Uncategorized

INTERVIEW–“Cricket”

INTERVIEW

“Cricket”

Female

40yrs

Three children

Trauma?

“Yes, my dad was in and out of jail my whole life, mom was an alcoholic. I became a parent at five years old to my siblings. I don’t remember the sexual abuse, but I know it happened. My maternal grandmother died of cancer when I was 10 years old, she was my safe haven. I watched my other grandma die of cancer. There was always violence in my home.”

“The love of my life has schizophrenia. Bath salts–everything changed overnight. I got us out of the shelter and got us a house, but that was my undoing–my grandma died at the same time. We could never be together. I ended up having a nervous breakdown, wouldn’t leave the apartment for a year.”

New husband —> Volatile relationship–domestic violence.

“He almost killed me a couple of times.”

“I’m married to my best friend. We went through hell. In a sick way, he showed me how to grieve.”

Mental Illness?

Depression, PTSD, ADHD, generalized anxiety

“I used to be on meds on the outside, but they won’t give me [here] what I was on.”

Addiction?

“Yes, started using at 13. It became a problem at 21 years old, I was on Medically Assisted Treatment [Suboxone/Subutex/etc.] successfully, but after breakdown…speed, coke, fentanyl.”

How long have you been in prison this time?

One year, five months.

In your lifetime?

Eight times–possession, paraphernalia

What happened this time?

“I ran from probation. I wanted to take drugs into the jail, gave them to too many people, three people overdosed, one died. She was my friend–$1million wrongful death lawsuit–she could’ve been saved.”

Sentence?

Seven years and three months to 20 years

How were you treated?

“It was election year–my lawyer said I wouldn’t do any better (on plea deal), had a court appointed lawyer who was buddies with the DA. I wasn’t offered any kind of drug treatment. I begged for treatment court.”

Plea Deal

Threatened with 15 years if she took it to trial.

Had PWID (Possession with Intent to Deliver) charges–had evidence on a recorded device.

How were you treated by the police?

“A couple were nice, but they lied to me–said people told him I did things…”

Contact with victim’s family?

Lawyer read apology letter in court

“She was my dealer on the outside–no hard feelings from her brother. They looked like they wanted to kill me in the courtroom.”

Do you have any outside support?

Mom is supportive, dad–died. Kids, husband.

What do you do for fun?

“I used to love to sing and dance and play with my kids. We’d laugh all the time. They’re funny (cries). AA in here is fun.”

Do you think prison is rehabilitative?

“No. Maybe long bids because they separate you from the crime. They wouldn’t let me do SDTP (State Drug Treatment Program) even though I have a drug case. They gave me no chance at all. They gave me the TC to do four months before my minimum.

I am a really good person, and I had it together at one time. I don’t feel like I was ever given a chance. I had no help. I would have done long-term rehab, but I wasn’t given that option (cries).”

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Gabapentin, Grief, and a Little Poop

January 14th, 2018

Day 195

Sunday

1pm

Boy do I feel like garbage today. I’m out of Gabapentin, and the pharmacy won’t refill it  because they say it’s too early.

WTF.

The only way I can figure that it ran out too early is that the Goddamn staff is taking it, because I sure as hell am not taking it more than I’m supposed to. I can’t wait to see the boys today–Tiger isn’t coming. I’ll have to call her sometime today. I keep getting hot and then cold and sweaty–it sucks. Red, Pink, and Tori are playing a relationship card game and the rest of us are just sitting around–everybody’s on restriction except Elaine and I. I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Even Old Toothless and Chantilly got in trouble because they traded milks–Old Toothless doesn’t like the almond milk they get her because she’s diabetic. 

Nickolai still can’t poop. 

It’s been nothing but drama all day with no TV to distract everybody.

5pm

The visit with the boys was good, except for the argument with my mother at the end of it. She told me that a Guardian Ad Litem was already appointed for the boys, so that’s one less thing I have to do. I wonder if they got the scheduling notice yet–I haven’t gotten one yet. She also told me that they’ve only missed two visits in six months, when I’ve counted four. She told me that a head’s up would’ve been nice, when I threatened her with court more than a month ago if they missed any more visits, and then they missed the week before Christmas! What is she talking about?!

This woman has a selective memory, I swear. 

I have a feeling I’m going to lose this one. I’m asking for two hours every other weekend (when Tiger’s here) and one hour on the off weeks, which they were doing before Mr. Big changed all of the rules, so I don’t know what the big deal is. 

I’ll never understand her.

Why on Earth would I cater to what is most convenient for her instead of what’s best for the kids??

I hate this.

Yeah, I wish we didn’t have to go to court too, but I didn’t start it!!!!!!!

Off to read my AA book–hopefully my sponsor will make it tonight.

Pink wrote a poem she wants me to copy–

You deserve a lady friend

Now until the end

A ride and die

From your low to your high

Always going to be by your side

Never say goodbye

Always be honest enough to 

Never tell you a lie

A girl never afraid to 

Have you in sight

Make you feel like you’re

The star shining light

Now that I said all this

And I’m at the end

I’d love to be your 

Lady friend

January 15th, 2018

Day 196

Monday

1pm

Went to therapy this morning, which went fine. We were supposed to work on EMDR, but I was so stressed that my therapist decided we would just talk. So I talked about how they haven’t gotten my Gabapentin refilled, how incredibly stressful it’s been here, etc., etc.

7pm

God.

We all just found out that there’s no meeting tonight–everyone is flipping out. Mr. Big keeps saying that restriction is going to get worse and now we’re going to fewer and fewer meetings, and it can’t be blamed on the weather either, because the roads aren’t bad. Poor Kat is getting the shitty end of the stick tonight, having to listen to all of this bitching.

January 16th, 2018

Day 197

Tuesday

Five Therapeutic factors of direct service self help groups

  1. Cognitive restructuring: Members develop a new perspective on themselves and their problems.
  2. Hope: Members develop hope that their life will get better as they see the lives of others with similar problems improve.
  3. Altruism: Members feel good about themselves for helping others
  4. Acceptance: Members feel they will not be rejected or blamed for their problems.
  5. Universality: Members become aware that they are not alone in having the problems they face.

January 17th, 2018

Day 198

Wednesday

8:30am

I have my grief support group at 8pm tonight. I still feel an impending sense of doom about it, like it’s just going to be a disaster or Mr. Big will cancel it at the last minute or something. There are only four people here today, so instead of groups, we have to go do Community Service. 

Fun. 

It’s been rumored that we’re getting a new woman today, but I don’t think that’s true. Oh, the rules around here lately have been  crazy. And Mr. Big hasn’t let me check my email at all, so I haven’t been able to see if that reporter got back to me or if other people emailed me about my group, or what. He’s being an asshole to me too, even though I’m one of only two people that aren’t on restriction–the other being Elaine. 

Somehow I have to find time to do laundry today. I don’t have an outfit to wear to my meeting since we’re only allowed four outfits in our rooms now. 

How stupid.

It’s going to cost them more money in laundry detergent and water than it’s worth.

God.

He won’t even let us bring cigarettes to Community Service.

Jerk.

Now Pink is arguing with Mr. Big about the in-house meetings being under surveillance (cameras). Mr. Big is refusing to fight with her. 

Good choice.

I bet she’s going to start crying because he is not listening. She says she’s refusing to go to in-house NA meetings now.

Social Work Book:

“Self-disclosure has been defined as ‘the process of deliberately revealing information about ourselves that is significant and that would not normally be known by others.

Under-discloser–talk too little, even when the situation calls for it

Overdisclosers–talk too much

Appropriate self-disclosure can be defined as the right amount of self-revelation at the right time.

5pm

Oh my God the cops are here.

What on Earth are they here for??!!

They just took Tori back for something–questioning, hopefully??!!

Omg I hope she doesn’t go to prison. 

I hope I hope I hope I hope!

I can’t believe how nervous I am. Now it comes out that Tori told her probation officer about the fucking shit she did. 

Oh no.

I really hope they don’t take her. The Judge said the same thing to her as he did to me–that the next step was state prison. 

God.

Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease!

I feel so bad for her, I can’t even imagine what she’s going through. She’s probably freaking out like crazy. 

I know I would be. 

I hope they don’t question everybody. 

I’m going to ask for an attorney if they question me. 

I have to do something. 

I feel like I’m going to puke. 

I’m going to go get my laundry. 

8pm

Tori didn’t go to prison, but she is going to get some new charges and no early release.

Poor girl.

I feel so bad for her.

Now I am at my grief group waiting for people to show up–I hope somebody comes. Maybe it’ll be just me and a pan of brownies.

*sigh*

That reminds me–I have court on Friday and I’d really like to fit into this nice dress I got at the Community Closet. I’m down to 150lbs, which was a real struggle for me. I feel like I never eat, and when I do, I immediately gain 5lbs. 

I guess I’ll go see if anyone is here.

Nope. 

8:10pm

No dice.

Oh, well, I tried. 

I’ll try again the first week in February. I printed off five copies of three different handouts, and was worried that I wouldn’t have enough!

Well, shit.

Maybe next time. I guess I’ll write down my grief quotes. The lady who let me in keeps coming in and asking me questions. That makes me embarrassed that no one came.

Ah, well.

Grief Quotes

It’s okay. 

It’s okay to miss them.

It’s okay to say their name. 

It’s okay to cry.

It’s okay to laugh. 

It’s okay to breathe deeply.

It’s okay to smile when you think of them.

It’s okay to function.

It’s okay to have days where you can’t function.

It’s okay to be angry.

It’s okay to be thankful.

It’s okay to love again.

It’s okay to remember.

It’s okay to hope. 

It’s okay to be honest.

It’s okay to trust again.

It’s okay. 

It’s okay. 

It’s okay.

–Scribbles and Crumbs

Grief if like the ocean;

It comes in waves, 

Ebbing and flowing.

Sometimes the water is calm, 

And sometimes it is overwhelming.

All we can do is learn to swim.

–Vicki Harrison

Grief is the last act of love we have to give to those we loved.

Where there is deep grief, 

There was great love.

livepurposefullynow.com

It is kind of shocking when your world falls to pieces and everyone around you carries on with life. How can the birds continue to sing? How can people carry on loving life? It is like you have become frozen in time and are now watching life like a movie. As the weeks and months roll by, life becomes more real again, but you will never forget that point in time where life stood still.

–Zoe Clark-Coates

There are moments which mark your life; moments when you realize that nothing will ever be the same and time is divided into two parts: BEFORE this and AFTER this. 

–Author Unknown

Man…I should have brought a book to read. After the emails I got, I was sure SOMEONE would show up. I mean, who takes time to email somebody that they’re coming to a group and then doesn’t show up?!

Ugh…I know, I know, it’s a difficult topic and people are scared and shy.

*sigh* again.

Suggestions for Coping with Grief

  1. Take care of yourself physically
  2. Forgive (them and yourself)
  3. Explore your spirituality–prayer, song, worship, meditation, or study of scripture. Listen to the whispers of your heart and soul.
  4. “Talk” with the person you lost.
  5. Write letters to the person you lost–say what’s on your mind and in your heart.
  6. Treasure fond memories–scrapbook, video collage, record stories about the person (that other people tell).
  7. Take time with your special person’s personal belongings–”You, and only you, should decide what is done with their clothes and personal belongings. Don’t force yourself to go through these things until you’re ready to. Take your time. When you have the energy to go through them, you will.”
  8. Honor your special person– celebrate your special person’s life and memory.
  9. Work through your grief–accept your feelings, experience your emotions.
  10. Share your pain and hope with others–give your grief words, pour out your heart and soul as often as you need.
  11. Complete “unfinished business”–do whatever you feel is important to reach a sense of closure.
  12. Be kind to yourself–take time to rest, eat healthfully, exercise, and socialize with family and friends–treat yourself as you would a dear friend if she were suffering.
  13. Let yourself cry–sobbing promotes relaxation and the release of tension and sorrow.
  14. Tune into what you are feeling–depression, anger, guilt, fear, regret, loneliness, relief, peace—-whatever your feelings, let yourself experience them.
  15. Reach out to others–find a few people that your respect and trust, and pour out your heart.
  16. Postpone unnecessary changes–try to hold off on major decisions or unnecessary changes. Allow yourself to grieve and heal.
  17. Accept the difficult memories–give your special person the gift of forgiveness.
  18. Cherish your fond memories–allow yourself to enjoy all of the wonderful memories you and your special person have shared.
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Life Uncategorized

Daisy’s Mother, Crystal Leschner, and Chasing Liberty

Muncy State Prison

July 26th, 2024

Friday

6:47pm

I’m just going to take the open plea to the judge and see how that goes. I’m not going to do any better with that fucking DA. I can feel it in my bones. I called my mother and told her. She seems to think it’s the right decision. I asked her about Lilly. She said she’s going to Alaska next week with her Dad. Daisy and Morocco are busy doing prison tattoos. Morocco is getting some woman’s name on her finger covered up with a tiny mustache. It’s not going well.

July 27th, 2024

Saturday

An old Black lady grabbed my arm as I walked past the other day and exclaimed, “Oh my, honey, why is your arm so bruised?” I looked down at my arm, confused. “Oh. That’s where I used to shoot up,” I said flatly. “Oh!” she said, and gripped me with both hands, “Lord Jesus! Please heal her!”

I muttered thank you, wrested my arm away, and vacated the area as quickly as possible.

Jesus Christ.

July 28th, 2024

Sunday

7:52pm

Daisy’s mother had a stroke. This is a disaster for many reasons, not the least of which is that she is responsible for five of Daisy’s children. She was talking gibberish, so Daisy’s 16-year old son called the ambulance, but they said she was stable and didn’t take her to the hospital. This doesn’t make any sense to Daisy or me. Isn’t a stroke a life-threatening emergency? I’m worried that the five younger children will end up in the system, in foster care, and Daisy won’t get them back. She still has over a year to do in prison. She cried when she said, “I just don’t know what’s going to happen to my kids,” with both of her hands on the sides of her face in a gesture of helplessness and despair. “And HE gets to get OUT!” she said, talking about her abusive ex.

The unfairness is profound, and hung in the air between us like a wall of broken glass. She angrily sorted through the things in her shower bucket. I was getting out of the shower and she was getting in. “Her mother died of a stroke when she was fifty,” she said. 

I’ve never seen Daisy look so pale and in shock.

I impotently asked her if she wanted a hug. “No, I definitely don’t want a hug,” she snapped. Zuko asked if she could at least pray for her and her mother and kids, and she relented and said yes.

Later, it turned out that her mother, Mary, had refused to go to in the ambulance. I feel helpless, too. It’s not like you can say, “What can I do?” when in reality, you are in the same boat and can’t do anything at all.

July 29th, 2024

Monday

10am

I called my lawyer. He said an open plea is what he was going to suggest. He said he’ll ask if I can plead and be sentenced on the same day. So now I have to sign paperwork, get sentenced, then see what parole is going to do with me.

4pm

Daisy got called back from the sewing shop. Her mother went to the hospital and went into cardiac arrest. She survived, but her muscles are deteriorating from non-use and poisoning her. She’s in intensive care. It sounds really bad. Daisy had to give CYS permission to place the kids. They all went with someone they know, which is good, and the two youngest are together. So much for that CYS appeal that I wrote for her. Now they have to be involved.

July 30th, 2024

Tuesday

Daisy’s mother died last night.

They said she went into organ failure. I feel completely useless. Daisy says she feels the same way. Bambi got her an e-cigarette, at least. Daisy’s sister is driving from North Carolina to Pennsylvania to deal with her mother’s affairs.

Daisy said that her mother was sitting in her own urine and feces on the couch, and the house was infested with bedbugs. Nobody knew how bad it was. 

Daisy said that her mother was her best friend.

She asked me if I would think less of her if she testified in a federal case to the the fuck out of here. 

“No.” I said.

Of course not.

The woman has seven children, five of whom need her badly. The neighbor lady went to the courthouse for temporary emergency custody of the three youngest ones. Daisy doesn’t even have her phone number. I wonder if she’ll have to fight her in court to get them back. I can’t help feeling like the nightmare is just beginning for her.

The father of two of the kids is dead, and the father of the rest of them is in prison for raping and sodomizing their daughter. I wonder if she’ll get custody of any of them back. 

Then I feel terrible for even thinking that.

July 31st, 2024

Wednesday

4:11pm

Daisy seems a little better today, and hasn’t cried as much. She decided that she doesn’t want the neighbor lady (who now has custody of three of the kids) to have the kids. She might have to be shipped back to Somerset County to fight that case. Daisy also got a message from Little Man, the ex-boyfriend who repeatedly tried to kill her. He sends his condolences. And his “love.”

Ridiculous.

She’s serving this sentence for hindering HIM. And now her mother died. Yesterday, she said, “This puts the last nail in the coffin of the Little Man thing. I’m here because of you! And my mother DIED!”

I hope she’s right.

She didn’t respond to his message. I have told her before about Crystal Leschner, whose boyfriend stabbed her to death, and then cut up her body and put it in a suitcase in a shed in his backyard in Pittsburgh. 

That was the first story I covered as a reporter for the local newspaper. I interviewed her family. 

It was awful.

Crystal had said that if she ever went missing, he would be the reason.

She turned out to be right.

August 2nd, 2024

Friday

8pm

I talked to my boys. They were playing a game with their cousin where the floor is lava, they each own different territories, and cheese is money. They each get five cheese for pushing each other into the lava.

I got a book at the library today called, “Drug Use for Grownups: Chasing Liberty in the Land of Fear,” by Dr. Carl L. Hart.

Sounds like a good read.

August 3rd, 2024

Saturday

1:30pm

Kimberly is talking to a Lieutenant because Officer Kibbe (yes, I’m naming names) is doing invasive pat searches. According to Kimberly, following one such search last week, she said, “Oh! You just touched my coochie lips!” 

Kibbe responded, “That’s okay, because I bought your dinner.”

Disgusting.

We’ll see what happens. 

Probably nothing.

Kimberly is effectively off work until the “investigation” is over.

In this book, “Drug Use for Grownups,”  it says that 70% of people who use drugs do not become addicted to them. 

The author, Dr. Carl L. Hart, tried a whole bunch of drugs in his research for this book, even becoming (on purpose) physically dependent on heroin so he could experience the withdrawal symptoms.

Interesting.

“The degree of civilization in a society can be judged by entering its prisons.”

–Fyodor Dostoyevsky

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Life Uncategorized

Heaven, Prayers, and Hair Dye

September 20th, 2017

Wednesday

Day 78

We’re supposed to be getting somewhere between three and five new women by the end of the week. Fun. Mr. Big still hasn’t approved my press release, and this fucking group starts in 10 days. I’ve decided to start reading, “Heaven is for Real.” It’s a description is, “A Little Boy’s Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back.” Hm. 

Quote from Jesus of Nazareth at the beginning: “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of Heaven.”

5pm

I think it’s so funny that Tori has this sign  on her door that says, “REMAIN CLAM” in big block letters. The reason for this is that the word “Calm” is misspelled on the escape plans that are screwed in to our walls. Super funny.

Watching Grey’s Anatomy with the bitches. Got two new ones today–one oldie, actually, like me–returned, and a newbie, Squish and Tex. Tex is pretty rough and tough. Pretty citi-fied, I guess. At a meeting now–Tex took her shoes off and ooched and ouched the entire walk here. She’s funny. She said she sat on her ass the whole time that she was in jail, and so the walk ( ¼ mile) here was a workout for her. It was funny, she was like, “I have backsweat for real.”  “I have boob and kneecap sweat now!” a couple minutes later.

Grief Book–Harriet S. Schiff

“The fear of the unknown is behind us…because we have already taken a long look at hell.” 

September 23rd, 2017

Saturday

Day 81

8pm

Galeton meeting. 

“Humility isn’t thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.” 

–C.S. Lewis

Tori is having a bad day. She got talked to about not showering enough apparently. I complained about my grief group not getting off the ground.

Acceptance prayer:

“Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake.”

September 25th, 2017

Monday

Day 83

8:30am

I got to visit with all three kids yesterday. Tiger made me a bracelet and they played with the cushions and made forts and jumped around until Superman bumped his head. They’re at the ages where I’m a little bit (selfishly) grateful when they get minor injuries because then I get to hold them for a couple of minutes without them squirming away. I’m missing so much. My Dad gave me pictures of the boys’ first day of school and Tiger’s school picture. First one I’ve gotten. First pictures I’ve gotten in over a year from them.

I’m off to therapy–riding with Mr. Silent. He’s the twin who never speaks. That’s okay. I don’t feel like talking either. I’m sad today. I finished the book, “Heaven Is For Real.” It’s pretty good. Short read. It’s about a little boy who has to have emergency surgery for appendicitis and takes a trip to Heaven while he’s under anesthesia. Interesting. He describes the angels singing to him and Jesus’ face–turns out he has blue/green eyes and not brown, like I thought.

11am

Therapizing over. Maybe I can get this guy to talk. Let’s see. 

No go. 

Remember high school dances? Why don’t we do that anymore? Like, as adults? People love zumba classes and stuff–why don’t people just get together and dance? I need to know. 

Grief book:

“Depression is thought to be related to feelings of psychological helplessness.”

September 26th, 2017

Tuesday

Day 84

Grief book:

“Life is forever a wiser, more knowing life.”

“Having landed on their feet after being thrown to the ground gives parents a sense of power. They see in the mirror a person who is a survivor.”

“Reasoning that no one or nothing in this world could hurt them more than they have already been hurt, numerous parents say they have become more willing to try things they have previously been afraid to do.”

8pm

What a day! This is my second trip to Coudersport today, the first was for shopping for groceries for the Center and this trip is for a meeting. This one guy is celebrating 40 years of sobriety tonight! 

–”AA didn’t only help me quit drinking, it helped me deal with life.”

“I’ve learned that today, picking up [a drink] would be like picking up a gun and holding it to my head.”

Experience. Strength. Hope.

Chantilly voluntarily signed over her parental rights to her two children yesterday so they can get adopted out. She’s having a really hard time with it. It’s basically been a two-year long streetfight in court for her. Poor girl.

Not that I think she was a fantastic mother or anything. Tonight when I was on the phone with the boys (Dubya didn’t answer so I could talk to Tiger), Superman was running around with the phone, and he yelled, “Mommy, are you bumpin’?!” It was really funny. Like I was inside the phone. I can’t believe I have another seven months of this. The pain of missing my kids is so great that sometimes I fear it will rip me in half. 

September 27th, 2017

Wednesday

Day 85

So…funny thing happened to me today…I went to the dentist and got two teeth pulled and afterward I was sitting outside waiting for my ride when this lady asked me what I was there for. I told her I had just had two teeth pulled and then she asked me if she could pray for me. I don’t mind people praying for me, so I said okay. She put her hand on my shoulder and said a long prayer asking God to take away my pain. Then she gave me twenty dollars!

SO weird.
Even weirder is that I’ve barely had ANY pain from these teeth. I’m a little sore, but that’s it.

Huh!

September 29th, 2017

Friday

Day 87

So I went to therapy at Crossroads–they just asked me a bunch of questions. Let’s see what my grief book has to say to me today: 

“The first year has to be what hell is like.”

–Min

6pm Group

She Recovers:

  1. When she is encouraged to choose her own recovery path.
  2. When she creates a vision for how she wants her life to be.
  3. When she takes small and steady steps towards her vision.
  4. When she makes peace with her past.
  5. When she finally understands that self-care is the secret to her recovery.

I got hair dye with the money that the praying dentist lady gave me. Self care. Tonight is a hard night here. Crash’s son got hit too hard at the football game (that all three of my kids were at), and had to be carried off the field because he had no feeling in his arms or legs. I prayed and prayed for him and all of his family.

Categories
Life Uncategorized

Sexist Pigs and God Shit

Women’s Center

Day 76

September 18th, 2017

Monday

Welp, this grief group project is going pretty much how I thought it would–with a lot of non-answeres and frustration from Mr. Big. He’s very easily distracted and doesn’t seem to have the ability to prioritize well when it comes to matters of importance. 

For instance, I was trying to talk him into letting me send out my press releases today, and he got distracted by one of the younger residents who was bopping around and telling jokes about how she was wearing flip flops with socks

Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike………….really?

Try to keep up, dude. 

This is important to me. 

Bla. Anyway, I talked to my therapist about the group and she thinks it’s a good idea and gave me some suggestions.

My mind has seemed so scrambled lately. I miss my kids so much. Old Toothless passed out at lunchtime and had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital.

She looked terrible. Seemed like a respiratory issue to me. Her oxygen saturation was 93%.

Scary.

The staff handled it well, and called 911 right away. She kept saying her head hurt and she was so tired, poor woman. I hope she’s okay. Maybe she needs to be on oxygen.

Tomorrow I go for an intake interview for intensive outpatient rehab and Wednesday I have a dentist appointment. I am NOT looking forward to that. The last two people that had teeth pulled, the Center wouldn’t fill their pain medication.

WTF.

I do NOT want to have teeth pulled with no pain meds.

Meanwhile, here are some quotes about pain, fittingly:

“When you break through the bottom of sorrow, light floods out.”

“The chief characteristics of those who have passed through great sadness are a gentle gaze upon others and a willingness to wait patiently for others’ growth.”

“Pain tempers the soul and develops generosity.”

“Humility and compassion are borne of sorrow.”

Enough of that.

Okay, so over the weekend we were playing this funny game for group called who, what, when, where, why. Here’s how you play–these words are written on a piece of paper and handed out to everyone, and everyone fills out the who, then folds it over and passes it, and then everyone fills out the what, and folds it over and passes it, etc.

Here’s the one that’s about me:

Who: Jess

What: sharted on Daisy’s chest

When: At Old Toothless’s house

Where: In the Boiler Room

Why: Because Jess’s lupus got cured by the Women’s Center’s water

Hahahaha funny. Mr. Big is always telling me to drink water for anything I complain of, so that’s where that came from.

5pm

Dinner time

8pm

Meeting

I guess they’re keeping Old Toothless at the hospital. Of course they don’t know what’s wrong with her, but went to discharge her anyway, and then she fainted again. I hate that hospital. I should have sued them when I had the chance.

“Progress, not perfection.”

“Don’t leave before the miracle happens.”

“It’s easier to stay sober than to get sober.”

“Recovery is not just about not drinking[/using].”

Sometimes the women in the Center drive me crazy! This poor guy here that says his R’s like W’s is telling a beautiful story to the best of his ability about how he found serenity in nature the other night sleeping out under the stars, and all these girls (yes, girls) can do is titter relentlessly about his speech impediment. 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHH!!

Funny aside:

Lou: “Do you hear voices in your head?”

Rena: “Just the normal ones everybody hears.”

Day 77

September 19th, 2017

Tuesday


Off to Wellsboro for a Crossroads intake. Fun fun. It’s intensive outpatient therapy, so that maybe I won’t have to go to inpatient rehab. My hands are killing me today, it hurts to write. The weather is so humid it’s still foggy and it’s 8 o’clock. 

When I get back I’ll have to see if the Big Boss texted Mr. Big about my press releases. I don’t know this driver’s name. He’s not a talker. Hasn’t said a word. When I walked out he was talking to another driver and the other driver looked at me and exclaimed, “You got a good one! Stay out of trouble!” Gross. Sexist pig. I wonder how Paul Bunyon is doing. I haven’t heard from him. Writing hurts. I think I’ll take a nap.

10am

Okay, well that’s done. Lot’s of paperwork and tons of signatures. Geez, this guy really likes the brakes. Let’s see what my Bible says for today. 

What Would Jesus Do? 

Thinking with the Mind of Christ

“Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God…For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord…

“We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man’s gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully…”

“Every member of the Body has the potential to be–and should be led and fed toward functioning as–a fully equipped agent of Jesus Christ.”

–Jack Hayford

Grief book

“We have seen how the death of a child is an expulsion from the land of innocence.”

“One of the vital tasks of grief-work is to come to a point where life again takes on meaning. Parents who fail to find meaningful outlets remain stuck. Parents who seek and find meaningful pursuits heal themselves more quickly.”

“Coming to feel worthwhile again is one essential ingredient in healing.”

“Today I know that you can’t save anybody. But I know through the work that I do that sometimes you can help somebody to save themselves.”

–Jill–daughter committed suicide, now an alcoholism counselor

“Repeatedly, bereaved parents spoke of a newly acquired value for empathy with the anguish of others.”

“Not only do these parents say that their focus on “things” diminishes, but they find that materialism and superficiality in others becomes annoying.”

“Bereaved parents acquire a wisdom and maturity prematurely.”

“They didn’t want to get stronger, there is simply no choice; black or white, live through this or die.”

“Steel has to go through fire to get its strength.”

John 1:23 He said, “I am ‘the voice of one crying out in the wilderness, Make straight the way of the Lord,’ as the prophet Isaiah said.”

6pm

In-house AA meeting:

When ready, we say something like this, “My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding.”

Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us.

Ha!

The birthday of AA is my birthday: 6/10/1935

I hate this group. It’s so boring. This woman acts like taking care of her wounded horse once a day is the freakin’ hardest thing she has ever done in her life, and I’m supposed to derive peace and strength and serenity from HER? 

WhatEVER.

Then she lets the women gossip and bitch about the Center for the last 20 minutes of the meeting. It drives me crazy. I am bored out of my skull. I can’t wait to get on the computer to send out my press releases.

Categories
Life Uncategorized

Meg Ryan, Community Leaders, and Grief Groups

Women’s Center

September 13, 2017

Day 71

Wednesday

I don’t feel good today. Got news that my liver is doing worse again. ALT back up to 900. High normal is 60. Doctor thinks it might be the steroids that caused it. Last night was my last dose of steroids and I’m back to being in pain. We’re doing “music therapy,” which is basically just listening to music about using.

Uplifting.

7pm

Meeting. I can’t believe how crappy I feel. Maybe coffee will help. I tried to start this proposal for the bereaved parents group but I couldn’t concentrate on it. I also forgot to call the kids (well, I was sleeping), which makes me feel like shit. 

It’s roasting in here. I need a shower, but my towels are dirty and I can’t wash them because there are bees in the dryer vents. Yup–bees. I guess they’re getting removed tomorrow.

Goody.

“We can grow in spite of our pain, or, perhaps, because of it.”

9pm

“The cure for grief is motion.”

Megan is joking that she’s going to name her baby “Shaqueefa.”

Funny.

I called Angel in Illinois to see if she would be willing to help out with this grief group thing and she’s on board and already has a bunch of great ideas, so that’s wonderful. She’s great. That gives me hope that it might be possible. I don’t want to do it alone.

September 14th, 2017

Day 72 

Thursday

I feel a bit better today. If Mr. Big (The Big Boss is on vacation) has time today, I have to present him with my proposal. If I’m going to do this grief group, I’m not going to half-ass it. They’re going to have to let me use some form of social media. They’re just going to have to. If I know anything, I know social media is the best way to promote just about everything.

8:30am

There was a fire drill at 5:30am, so I feel like I’ve been up all day already. Welp, gotta do group at 9am, so I’d better do that.

10:30am

Group went well–everyone talked except Chantilly and Elaine, so that’s pretty good. I think I’ll use the same format for my first real grief group. I feel like I should read my grief book more. Crash, who also lost two children, wants to read it, so I’d better hurry up.

“…bereaved parents do not ‘recover’ in the sense of returning to who they were before the death. Instead, they appear to change as they integrate the loss into their lives.”

–Ida M. Martinson

“The  real healing happens when you accept that the pain is always there.”

–Veronica

“When the early ravages of pain subside, a dull ache remains in the far reaches of awareness, a reminder that life can never have that blush of perfection again.”

OMG! Mr. Big just told me that they might want me to be a “Community Leader!”

Cool!

8pm

Bob at the meeting when asked how he is: “Jim Dandy peachy keen!” He’s a good guy. Always wearing overalls and a hat. Hugger.

10pm Called all three of my kids today–no answer at either household.

Forgot to read my Bible today. Let’s see what it says:

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights…”

“This Father who asks you to walk with Him will ask more of you than anyone possibly could–your life, in fact, for the privilege of being on personal terms with the God of the universe.”

September 15th, 2017

Day 73

Friday

We’re watching, “When a Man Loves a Woman.” I love Meg Ryan. 

Yesterday, Mr. Big said, “We’re looking for a couple Community Leaders, and, obviously, you would be one of them.” That “obviously” bothered me all day. Why would I be an obvious choice?

So after the meeting, I asked him about the obviously. Why obviously? He said that it wouldn’t be obvious to me. That personal growth is sometimes only obvious to others, and most of the time only seen in hindsight. He said it’s a good thing.

I guess I’ll take it.

I’ll take the compliment. I wonder what kind of responsibilities come with that. 

The Big Boss says that my possibilities are endless and I just need to be “lifted up.” That feels good to me. Maybe this place will be good for me after all.

The song that’s playing is “Everybody Hurts Sometimes.” We sure do. 

I can’t wait to see how this grief group goes. I can’t believe I have to wait two weeks to see my kids. I have to get that court paperwork done today. I have no money for stamps and envelopes. I’ll have to hand deliver them, I guess. Oh well.

“It’s horrifying how bad you can make yourself feel for being low, and weak.”

–Meg Ryan

We’re still watching the movie. Now she’s making her, “We all deserve a second chance,” speech at the end of the movie after being clean for 184 days. Long movie–two hours. It’s finally over–the kissing and hopefulness at the end. I miss kissing so much. Especially kissing my kids. I make sure to kiss them as often as possible. When I have the opportunity, of course.

Watch: The Case for Christ (according to Mr. Big)

I did a good deed and dyed and cut Elaine’s hair. No one else was willing to help her. Of course I was reading after lunch and fell asleep and slept right through 1pm group. I wonder how that will affect my standing as a Community Leader in-the-running. Not a very good example. And of course it was Mr. Big who woke me up and yelled at me.

Ugh–I’m kind of disgusted with myself about it. And then of course he found out I cut Elaine’s hair–that’s not allowed either. Of course I totally forgot that.

Double ugh.

Anyway–I’m at an AA meeting currently. I called the boys earlier but they didn’t really want to talk–too busy being silly. I don’t know how I’m ever going to do this grief group without ever having access to the computer–there’s always somebody on it.

“We’re all miracles here today.”

“We’ll love you until you love yourself.”

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Blind Faith, Emily Dickinson, and Violent Explosions

Women’s Center

Day 69

September 11th, 2017

Monday

Off to my therapy appointment with Fred the Driver. My chest hurts today–I don’t know if I’m sick or stressed. Probably both. I’ve filled up two journals so far and have started on my third today. It seems fitting that Ethan’s birthday would end one–the beginning of a new chapter hopefully. I remember when I was pregnant, I was afraid he would be born on 9/11 and it would be a harbinger of bad luck. Ha! I gotta stop being so superstitious and probably just trust in God, like every other happy person on Earth. They just seem to think that every good thing is God’s doing, and then when bad things happen, God helps them through. Blind faith, they call it, and it works for millions. 

Huh.

Reading my grief book–I went through this too when Ethan died, and this is why I wrote Kidowed. 

“Enid – When it was gone, it wasn’t like I could go back to the outside world and say, I am still his mother.” 

To the outside world I am a single woman with no children. It’s hard to come to grips with. I wish there could be a stamp for it like widow or widower, some way I could identify to people when they say, “Do you have any children?” You could say I am a __________! Bereaved is the only word I can come up with. 

Just as alcoholics are said to never be cured, a present is never “cured”” of grief–that parent will never be a “former” bereaved parent, that parent will forevermore be a recovering bereaved parent.”

Fred likes Christian music. Geezoman. He’s a really noisy breather too. Can you really jam to Christian music? It all sounds the same to me. Maybe it’s uplifting to him. I’m being immersed in God stuff.

Hope I don’t drown.

“Studies have shown that children, regardless of age, are able to survive a tragic loss, even multiple losses, if they are cherished and secure afterward.”

Huh.

Maybe my children will be okay after all.

“I measure each grief I meet 

With analytic eyes;

I wonder it if weighs like mine, 

Or has an easier size.

I wonder if it hurts to live, 

Or if they have to try, 

And whether, could they choose between, 

They would rather not die.

  –Emily Dickinson

“In sudden, unexpected death, the parents drop into the pit of extreme despair. Shock, extreme confusion, and disorganization often occur. The world as they knew it disappears in a violent explosion. Their sense of control is assaulted. Life is no longer predictable and sensible.”

“The time of dying is exhausting in every way. When death comes, often there is a small sense of relief. That fleeting feeling passes and the long bout with grief begins.”

Fred’s advice:

  1. Start with the Book of John. The first chapter may be hard, but read it.
  2. “Jesus empowers you to live the life that you want to.”
  3. “Every eye will see him when returns.”
  4. Jesus, I’m sorry for what I’ve done, please forgive me, and please come into my life.”
  5. Don’t live for yourself.
  6. Jesus is first.
  7. Others are second.
  8. You are next.
  9. Teach this to your children by example.

Fred says that without Jesus Christ in his life, the song, “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction” was a revelation at a truck stop for him. 

About September 11th, Fred was driving truck when the planes hit. They closed the border so he couldn’t go to Canada. 

John 14 vs 6 “I am the way, the truth, and the life.”’

I’ve accepted Ethan’s death over and over and over again, Ethan’s death. I’m exhausted of being angry.

7:30 (Half of page missing)

My kids are not coming today. They are going to my step-brother Will’s house for his son’s birthday party. They’re step-cousins, if you will. Will molested me and my sister for a good six years growing up. So all three of my children are going to a child molester’s house instead of coming to see their mother. Nice. I guess my parents want to go back to court too.

10:30pm

“I am always ready to learn, but I do NOT always like being taught.”

–Winston Churchill

I dreaded that first robin so,

But he is mastered now,

And I’m accustomed to him grown, 

He hurts a little, though.

–Emily Dickinson

From my book:
“The shadows do begin to lighten ever so slowly, almost imperceptibly, over time; but the landscape has changed.”

6pm

Gawd. Now we’re discussing the resident that committed suicide over at Mountain Laurel. He was about 10 years older than me, rumored to have a wife and two kids at home. Shame. Everybody’s going around saying, “There’s nothing we could do…at least he’s not suffering anymore…”

What is THAT bullshit?!! Of course you can help people who are suffering and contemplating suicide! It’s not just a bomb that goes off! People don’t commit suicide in a vaccuum! They usually suffer for a long time before, and might be able to be helped. Otherwise there would be no suicide prevention programs–duh!

Anyway, we’re talking about resentments. You know who I’m resentful at today? Fucking Brash. He won’t keep his tiny dick out of my business and my name out of his mouth. He’s fucking shit-talking me all over town, and HE’S the one who made the phone call to probation that I was using! I’VE never done anything to that little boy! He’s probably just mad that I wouldn’t fuck him. Dweeb. Hope he got Hep C tested because he was sharing needles with Ike to shoot up his fucking Wellbutrin pills so he could get high while on drug court. God, this woman is so full of herself. I should be listening.

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Life Uncategorized

Ethan’s 13th Birthday

Women’s Center

September 10, 2017

Sunday

Day 68

Ethan’s birthday. We would have been a teenager today, and I wouldn’t be here. I would be back in Pittsburgh, probably still working at the Vet Tech Institute, a job that I loved.

My hip is killing me today. It seems anything under 20mg of Prednisone doesn’t control my symptoms, and they put me on a tapering dose. I took some Tylenol along with my Meloxicam and Prednisone, but it’s not helping. Watching Shameless, one of my favorite shows. At least there’s that.

I’m not really sad today. I just feel numb. I told Ethan Happy Birthday in Heaven and told him and Kaylee I loved them. Maybe I’ll take a nap until visit time. I don’t even feel like eating today. My hip is killing me. Maybe it’ll feel better to lay down. Of course then I’ll be missing my favorite show. I think I gained 10lbs this week. Depression doesn’t suit my diet plan very well. I just eat everything in sight, even if I’m not hungry. Yeah, off to bed, I think.

1pm

Couldn’t sleep. People have been nice to me today–Tori and Chantilly both gave me spontaneous hugs–but I’ve spent a lot of time alone today. People are walking on eggshells around me like when after the kids first died. Kind of makes me regret talking about it in the first place. 

Shockingly, Slammy the Racist even said to me that she, “Knew How I Felt,” when she was giving me my medication this morning. People generally don’t say that unless they have actually lost a child too, which I didn’t know about her. That’s two people that work here that have lost children and me.
What a small, horrible world. I’ve only ever met one other person who told me that two of their children had died (in AA) and one of his was MURDERED. God Almighty.

5pm

Well, I have a visit with the kids. It was really nice. They each gave me a card they had decorated. Sometimes I think my mother has a soul after all. Not often though. Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooot often.

Theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen I went to the baby shower I promised myself I wasn’t going to. They had already been there for a while, so I had hoped that the gifts would be over. No such luck. I was okay for a while, but all that baby stuff–one outfit after another for tiny fingers and toes…the mother, Megan, smiling and laughter, all the little toys and blankets–it was a bit much to bear. I got a little teary thinking of my first baby shower with Ethan, all of the happiness and hopes and dreams flying around…I was so happy. 

Then a group picture of all of us, which I gritted my teeth through. It was excruciating. I want my old life back, with my old happiness and my old will to live.

Then of course I came back to the Center and there’s a tiny little blonde girl running around and her mother shrieks after her, “Kaylee!!!” Then there’s the teary goodbye’s, and the I Love You’s…I am just profoundly sad today. Then I go to get my meds and Gert asks me how my day has been. THEN I started crying. Gert lost a son to suicide. I told her about my day and Ethan’s 13th birthday and she told me she has days like that too. She hates Halloween because her son loved it. Favorite holiday. 

Last week, when Mr. Big asked about my glum attitude, I told him that today was my son’s birthday, and I couldn’t seem to get over it. He started to say something stupid about, “Do you think your son’s sitting somewhere wishing you were miserable?” and I cut him off with, “ I doubt it, he’s dead.” So then he shoots back , “So you don’t believe in anything in the hereafter?” I just walked away. 

This is what people don’t understand–it DOESN’T GO AWAY!! The grief–it doesn’t just stop because a certain amount of time has passed! LEAVE US BE!!!

I guess that’s all I have to say about that. You can’t force happy. I guess Jenny (the artist who also does church) stopped by the baby shower and dropped off a One Minute Bible. I guess I’ll read it. 

*sigh*

It seems God is stalking me again.

Section 1:

Time to make a change.

“God is always willing to join you on the starting line, but never content with letting you remain the way you are. Or the way you’ve been.”

“You may have felt like you were the one doing all the chasing, but God’s been after you for a long time.”

YUP. That’s what I was afraid of. Let’s see what else this gem has to offer.

“God will no longer be a cause of dread to me. I very soon find, however, that I am going to be a great cause of trouble to myself.”

–Watchman Nee

“Don’t be surprised when civil war breaks out in your heart, when you’re torn between the God you love and the temptations that still know how to play your song.”

Anyway, I think I’m going to bed. I made it through the day. 

Yay me.