Tag: jesus

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Muncy State Prison, Lucifer, and God

MUNCY STATE PRISON

December 30th, 2018

Drama, drama, drama–on the way to breakfast someone took somebody else’s cigarette, and of all the bad luck, I got seated with the slighted person, who was throwing a fit for the entire breakfast. Her friend was trying to calm her down, but she was all yelling and threatening to beat people up–how dumb. Her friend pointed out that she would only get kicked out of SIP if she did, but it didn’t help. I wanted to say if that’s the worst thing that happens to her today, she’s doing pretty good, but I didn’t want to get punched in the face. NA is pretty soon, which I am looking forward to. “The Word Among Us” is about taking care of our parents when they are old.

Hm.

I sincerely doubt that my parents are going to want ME taking care of them, but I don’t think my siblings would ever do it.

I guess we’ll see.

“Beside th Still Waters” likens humans to a clock that God winds up. “Productivity in Christ’s kingdom will be higher if we spend less time on repairs and more time on maintaining our connection to the Source of Life.” –Mike Weirich –Halsey, OR

I guess I’ll read “Lucifer Exposed” by Derek Prince.

“If we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin. (1 John 1:7)

“For the message of the Cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.” – 1 Corinthians 1:18

This book says that drugs are a form of sorcery.

Hm.

“For our citizenship is in heaven, from which we eagerly wait for the Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ.” (Phil. 3:20)

“For sin shall not have dominion over you, for you are not under law but under grace.” (Romans 6:14)

11/01/2026 7:36pm (When I am transcribing this into Google Docs) I asked God out loud– “Am I even supposed to be doing this?” and got this answer: Angel number 320 is a spiritual message of harmony, faith, creative self-expression, and divine guidance.

Core Breakdown by Digit

• Number 3: Resonates with creativity, communication, joy, growth, and the presence of the Ascended Masters.

• Number 2: Brings energies of balance, trust, cooperation, service, and your life’s soul mission.

• Number 0: Amplifies spiritual development, infinity, universal energy, and the “God force”.

Key Meanings and Interpretations

• Trust and Divine Timing: According to numerology breakdowns on platforms like Sacred Scribes Angel Numbers, 320 appears when you need to maintain faith and trust that your life is moving in the right direction, even during periods of confusion.

• Creative Expression: The number encourages you to express your thoughts and feelings openly through art, writing, or communication, helping you feel free and inspired.

Moving on:

“Owe no one anything except to love one another for he who loves another has fulfilled the Law.” (Romans 13:8 – 10)

“I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.”  (Galatians 2:20)

I guess there’s no NA today, they never called it.

Darn.

“The great dragon…that serpent of old…the Devil and Satan, who deceives the whole world. (Rev. 12:9)

“So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised. For in just a very little while, ‘He who is coming will come, and will not delay. But my righteous one will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him.’ But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved.” (Hebrews 10:35 – 39 NIV)

Last sentences of the book:

Will you commit yourself to do what Jesus said? Deny yourself. Take up your cross. Follow Him!”

Onto “Imaginations: More Than You Think,” by James P. Gills M.D.

The three “foundational principles” of this book are:

[1.] “We are what we think; therefore, our thoughts determine our actions.”

[2.] “Our present thoughts affect how we will spend eternity. When our thoughts are faithfully focused on God, we will be rewarded with an eternal mind-set in this life. We will have a glimpse of the blessings of eternity now, and will be richly rewarded, as well, when we experience His presence in heaven.”

[3.] “God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him. Our greatest joy is surrendering our thoughts and our lives to God.”

“Be careful what you think because your thoughts run your life.” –Proverbs 4:23, NCV

“Albert Einstein said, ‘Imagination is more important than knowledge.’”

Hm.

That’s a little heavy for me right now.

I think I’ll check out “Care of the Soul” by Thomas Moore.

“‘Soul’ is not a thing, but a quality or dimension of experiencing life and ourselves. It has to do with depth, value, relatedness, heart, and personal substance.”

This is interesting, and seems to fly in the face of modern medicine: “What the great sixteenth-century physician, Paracelsus, said about healing applies to care of the soul: ‘The physician is only the servant of nature, not her master. Therefore, it behooves medicine to follow the will of nature.’”

Interesting.

“Storytelling is an excellent way of caring for the soul. It helps us see the themes that circle in our lives, the deep themes that th=ell the myths we live.”

“The ultimate cure, as many ancient and modern psychologies of depth have asserted, comes from love and not from logic.”
The sun is shining brightly today, and it’s very pretty. Ellen has been in bed all day. We were supposed to go to Yard and walk the track for an hour today, but she wouldn’t get out of bed.

There is currently a hot debate outside my cell about the difference between the phrases, “Ima beat her ass,” and “Ima smack a bitch.”

There’s a lot of hostility in here today.

*sigh*

I wish this part of my life was over. I’m fed up with it. Of course, I have more than a month left of living here. I need a shower. I thought I would be able to take one after breakfast, but the CO wouldn’t let me. I’m gross and sick of myself today.

Back to my book.

“…there is evil in the world and in the human heart. If we don’t recognize this, we have a naive attitude that can get us into trouble.”

“The Greeks told the story of the minotaur, the bull-headed flesh-eating man who lived at the center of the labyrinth. He was a threatening beast, and yet his name was Asterion–Star. I often think of this paradox as I sit with someone with tears in her eyes, searching for some way to deal with a death, a divorce, or a depression. It is a beast, this thing that stirs in the core of her being, but it is also the star of her innermost nature. We have to care for this suffering with extreme reverence so that, in our fear and anger at the beast, we do not overlook the star.”

Wow.

I like that.

This is interesting.

“If we were to observe the soul in the family by honoring its stories and by not running away from its shadow, then we might not feel so inescapably determined by family influences.

When I was growing up, I swore I would never be anything like my Mother, because she always made me feel like an outcast, an unwanted nuisance.

Now, all three of my children are being raised by others, and, to my horror, one of those people is the very mother who always (and still does) rejected me.

Oh, the guilt.

Ellen is up, and singing at the top of her lungs, which renders reading almost impossible.

Almost dinnertime.

I guess I’ll write my kids’ letters a day early.

There–I wrote them that I loved them and that I hope they had a wonderful Christmas and birthday (Tiger). I also told Tiger that some of the best memories of my life are making cakes with her and telling stories with her before bedtime about unicorns and other animals getting through the woods to go home.

I didn’t really have much else today, other than I wanted them to write me and tell me what they got.

*sigh*

Now the conversation in the hallway is about whether Black or White adolescents have oral sex first, age-wise.

Yuck.

I don’t want to think about it, personally.

After dinner–on the way back from dinner a CO saw a transaction between a brown and a blue–trading coffee for tobacco–and flipped out and called us all a bunch of names–dumb and stupid, mostly.

Then, half the line got searched, myself included.

Fun times.

Back to my book, “Care of the Soul.”

This book is very abstract. I’m finding myself skimming paragraphs and not really absorbing them, so it’s time to read something else.

How about, “Moments with the Saviour: A Devotional Like (?) of Christ” by Ken Gine

Let us see what this has to offer.

Ellen is singing and dancing to “Superfreak.”

“…God’s purposes are not thwarted by our humanity, however weak and wayward it may be. That he works in us and through us, and more often than not, in spite of us. That he works with us, as a gardener works with his garden.:

Oh my.

Ellen just found a big hairball in her pants.

Funny.

Bed.

Categories
Life Uncategorized

Letters from Coach, and God Stuff

MUNCY STATE PRISON

December 26th, 2018

Wednesday

Oh no.

Ellen is heartbroken.

She came back from Commissary and Tom the CO thought she was smuggling in something, so he told her to unbutton her jacket. She did, and he said, “Oh, it’s just your stomach.”

What!!!!

She almost cried, poor girl.

She’s reliving it over and over. Time for us to diet! Too bad I got donut sticks. After those, we’ll diet.

She says her pride got flushed down the toilet.

Later–I don’t feel good today–I slept a lot. I got Commissary–yay!

“The Word Among Us” is about the prophet Stephen. “So turn to the [Holy] Spirit in prayer today. Ask him to help you, as he helped Stephen, to ive the life of joy, peace, and conviction that Stephen lived.”

“Beside the Still Waters” says, “Grace, dear Lord, grace Dear Lord, to sweetly obey Thy will; May self be slain, Thy will remain, O help me Thy law Fulfill.” 

–Ross Minkler

The final thought of “God With Us” says, “…faith is not something you wait for like a letter in the mail. Rather, faith is something you step out on, like a bridge over a raging river.”

So, Ellen just heard this on the radio: This NASA engineer was tired of people stealing his Amazon packages, so he rigged fake packages with glitter and fart bombs.

Funny.

Now I’m reading, “Unmask the Predators: The Battle to Protect Your Child. It’s about a family whose daughter is victimized by somebody from their church, and a “story of triumph over tragedy.”

Hm.

Ellen and I are talking about how much we miss being touched. Even hugs and stuff. I’m terribly lonely. 

“In America today an estimated 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually abused by the age of 18.”

That is horrifying.

“The enemy pursues me, he crushes me to the ground; he makes me dwell in the darkness like those long dead.”

–Psalm 143:3

Bedtime–Ellen and I have been talking for an hour about our pasts, God, the devil, and our future plans. She wants to be a motivational speaker and a drug and alcohol counselor!

I think that’s awesome.

December 27th, 2018

Thursday

We got eight new people on H Unit today. Ellen’s bonding with the new one across the hall–she’s Southern. Tiger’s birthday is tomorrow.

“The Word Among Us” is about how Jesus loves us like he loved the disciple John.

“Beside the Still Waters” is about knowing when to talk and knowing when to keep silent.

“Would men know you’ve been with Jesus? Can they feel His presence near? As with them you joy and labor, As with them you journey here?”

–Ernest Sellers

I’m going to read, “Autobiography of a Face” by Lucy Grealy. It’s about a woman who overcame cancer at a young age, but then had to have half of her jaw removed, and her life afterward.

Later–

Coach wrote me!!

Justine!!!

What a great gift you gave me for Christmas! I’m sorry I’m writing to you in prison, but I’m so blessed to hear from you and I know you are doing okay. You have been on a crazy road!

I remember finding you on Youtube–I think it was from Canada and hearing and feeling your words and your pain. I have not read Kidowed yet. I gave away my Kindle and haven’t gotten another yet. I was hoping to get a hard copy of it–and have you sign it! It sounds like I may have more opportunities for that. I love the title, “Putting the Shovel Down,” and I can’t wait to read it. You have a heartbreaking story, but an amazing gift. When you put them together, and put GOD first, you have a story that can change lives–you have a story that inspires–you have a story that shows Romans 8:28 in action– “And we know that in all things GOD works for the good for those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”

I also love the 50:20 rule. It refers to Genesis 50 verse 20. A long time ago, when Joseph was young, his brothers were going to kill him, but sold him to Egyptians. Through many twists and turns, Joseph ended up being the second man in Egypt. Time passed but he ended up being face to face with his brothers, and in Genesis 50:20 Joseph said, “You intended to harm me, but GOD intended it for good to accomplish what is being done, and the saving of many lives.”

Doesn’t that sound like you?

The enemy intended to harm you–to destroy you, but GOD is going to use all of it to save others. 

Perhaps I should get wristbands that say 50:20 Rule, what do you think?

Are you okay now?

Do you have support–friends, family, money?

What can I do to help you through this?

Please ask and I’ll help if I can. We’re in this life together–plus, you’re amazing!

I’m not sure if you’ve run into any girls from Blair County Prison, but they may know me. Natalie comes to mind. Actually, she referred a girl to me from Potter County who wants to get out and help people with this addiction problem. She indicated the lack of help in her area–Potter County–Austin, PA–isn’t that where you are from? Do I remember the town Coudersport coming from your mouth?

The girl’s name is June and I just wrote to her a couple days ago. I sent her some info on Potter County and places to help.

I think so many agencies give good lip service to help, but I think it’s up to all of us to make a difference.

In talking about defeating the enemy, Revelation 12:11 says, “They overcame him (the enemy) by the blood of the Lamb (Jesus) and by the word of their testimony.

Our testimony is our story and we can all use our overcoming stories to defeat the evil in this world.

Do you notice I still talk too much?

All is well with me. Tess and I go to Cove [Forge] with women on Monday and I go on Wednesday with guys. I go to prison and Adephoi Village and wherever else the LORD leads. I don’t know whether I help or make a difference. I just want to get people to the LORD–He’s the one who can change hearts.

All I know is that I am so blessed to meet so many amazing people–like you!

I included a copy of my Bible Study notes from last week. Read through them and the Scriptures–see if you can figure it out!

I also hope you can read my writing!

A special thanks to Paul, who messaged me. Feel free to write or call anytime.

I’ve got to go for now. I talk a couple places tomorrow and need to get my head together.

Listen, you are a great blessing! I am so happy to hear from you. Again, let me know if I can help. I’ll walk with you as long as you want me to.

I’m sorry you’re in jail for Christmas, but Merry Christmas anyhow! It’s a time for new hope. Do you know that a new beginning always starts with a dead end?

Justine–believe!

We’re collecting socks for those in shelters so we put up a tree and decorated it with lights and socks.

Seems like the right thing.

I will be praying for you for sure.

God Bless your days!

LOVE ALWAYS!

Coach

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! New Beginnings!!!

My return letter:

12/27/18

Coach!

I have had an amazing day today–first you wrote me, and second–God put a woman in my life today that needed me and I helped her!

Her name is Laticia, and by God’s grace, we ended up sitting together at dinner tonight–she just got on H Unit, and is a couple cells down from me.

Her story is that she lost a baby in January of 2018 to pneumonia, and she is currently pregnant again. Her cellmate had told her to talk to me because she is having a very hard time with her grief, but she didn’t know who I was, and then we ended up sitting together out of 100 people in this Unit!

I was amazed.

We talked and talked, and we both cried and she felt better afterward. I told her about Kidowed and suggested that she journal her feelings.

Anyway, it turns out that she has no one to send her money, so I thought I would ask you–we have to pay for EVERYTHING here–even for basic necessities.

I even have to pay for my lupus meds.

Anyway, if you feel so inclined, can you help her with money? Her name is Laticia, and her number is #. If you want, you can send money to me too, but I have the basics right now.

Thank you!

Anyway, I am doing reasonably well, considering, and attending church and NA meetings regularly.

Thank you for including your Bible Study notes–I’ll be sure to do my homework!

I’ve read several spiritual books since I’ve been here, even Pope John Paul II’s book! I have a lot of time for reading, writing, meditation, and prayer.

I will probably be here until mid-February, then I get transferred to Quehanna and then rehab–I’m not sure where.

Then I have to do a halfway house, and then finally home.

The SIP program is 24 months long total.

Paul is working on sending Kidowed to publishers for me, so that it can be more widely distributed. Please say a prayer for me that somebody accepts it!

Thank you so much for your very uplifting letter–it made my day 🙂. 

I think 50:20 Rule wristbands are a great idea. 

I have some support–my mother and father have written and sent pictures of my kids, and Paul writes me. My ex-brother-in-law, Stryder, who called the police on me, has also written a couple times.

He said he was sorry, but I am having a hard time forgiving him.

It’s just so hard being away from my kids for so long for something so stupid.

Any advice?

My cellmate, Ellen, is smart and funny, and we get along great, thankfully.

I am from Coudersport, yes!

However, I do not know either of the women you were talking about.

I do know of several great meetings in Potter County, though–maybe I’ll look her up on FB when I get out.

And no, you don’t talk too much and yes (!!), you do make a difference!

You are a very moving speaker.

Thank you for watching my Youtube video–that was in 2012. 

I don’t have money for the phone, but I’ll certainly write you! It takes about two weeks for your letters to reach me, because they have to go through Florida first.

I loved your sock tree idea, and the picture you drew–it made me laugh.

And I hope you had a wonderful Christmas–mine was good–there was a very nice Catholic Mass here with singing and bells and a good sermon.

I do believe that this is my new beginning–I have resolved to let the old depressed, self-pitying me go and start anew with a better outlook on life.

Certainly, meeting Laticia today was a sign from God, an opportunity to help someone. I talked to her a little bit about God, but she said that she doesn’t believe, although she did talk about her baby being in Heaven.

That made me sad, and I didn’t really know what to say.

Do you have any advice?

I want to help her in any way that I can, and her grief is about to be compounded, because this new baby is due in April, and she will have to give him to her mother. She got into drugs when her previous son died, and that kept her from grieving, so now she doesn’t know what to do with her feelings.

I told her talking about it is the first step, even if it is upsetting and makes her cry–it’s necessary to move through grief.

I’m going to try to get her to go to church with me, and the NA meetings offered here.

Let me know what you think!

Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing me, and for your prayers.

God Bless you!

Love, 

Justine

Bible Study–Week of 12/10/18

Psalm 37:1-8

Of David

Fret not yourself because of evildoers;

Be not envious of wrongdoers!

For they will soon fade like the grass and wither like the green herb.

Trust in the LORD and do good;

Dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.

Delight yourself in the LORD,

And he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the LORD;

Trust in him, and he will act.

He will bring forth your righteousness as the light,

And your justice as the noonday.

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for Him;

Fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, 

Over the man who carries out evil devices!

Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath!

Fret not yourself, it tends only to evil.

For the evildoers shall be cut off,

But those who wait for the LORD shall inherit the land.”

See notes: 

Do not’s: fret, worry, be angry

→ Trust in the LORD–God can handle it.

→ Do good –life is about choices.

→ Delight yourself–quiet time every day

→ Be still–wait patiently–do all you can do to relax

→ Bombarded with noise–news, blogs, social media–go to the Bible

Categories
Life Uncategorized

Christmas Love Letters, Smut Stories, and Jesus Christ Almighty

December 25th, 2018

CHRISTMAS DAY

Notebook begins on the latter half of a letter from Paul:

“ –sand down a new surface where the chip was and paint it gloss black.

Today’s 30 Days of Fishmas post was a picture of this nutcracker in mid-drilling. A giant drill bit brace sticking out of its head with the caption, ‘I swear to God that there is a good reason for drilling into its head.’

Seriously, how often do you see that??!?!

I typed your letter to Coach and sent it to him just now. I included your proper mailing address for letters in the letter and told him who I was, where you were, and how to get ahold of you.

You did a very nice job writing your letter to him.

I will, of course, support you in whatever you choose to do with your life, and will do my best to help out. After calculating costs over time, I decided that it’s still actually cheaper for me to outsource copies and printing elsewhere for cheaper. 

I apologize I haven’t gotten around yet to sending out Kidowed to the second publisher on your list. My plan of action is to head to the library, print out the 30 pages from the first two chapters that I sent to the last publisher, and keep those with the master hard copy of the manuscript that you left here with me. Any additional copies of the manuscript, I discovered, I can take to KOS (office supply store locally) and have them make copies at $0.10 per page, which is cheaper than the copy machine at the Post Office ($0.15/page), and cheaper than the library ($0.25/page).

I just have to gather the time to do this.

I apologize again.

Don’t lose hope if things are going slowly where you are and here as well I’ll continue to do my best and work in your best interest as long as you trust me. 🙂

Debbie [woman who drinks next door and lives with her parents–she’s in her 50’s–that Paul has been pining for since Jesus was a baby] is doing well, for what it’s worth. She made a good friend with the new bartender at the Crittendin. Debbie’s mom has good days and bad days. Debbie herself is trying to handle drama where she works at the Millstream Inn.

Bitchy coworkers and catty assholes.

My job at the bank is kind of the same, but MUCH MORE MELLOW, which is good for me. We are having our office Christmas party next Monday at Mosch’s Tavern, which is where we had it last year.

Our boss insists on having these parties at our customer’s place of business, which is understandable, except I don’t really care for their food or atmosphere. I may skip out this year, or feign ignorance (i.e., “Omg, I fucking forgot about the party, idk what I was thinking….awwwww…..shit)/

Occasionally, I’ll see Din at the bank, who asks about you. I eventually told him you were in prison, which at that point he became a broken record of his own thoughts.

He said the smokes he got for you he went ahead and smoked.

I told him that it was good he didn’t let them go to waste. So he asked about you at least. I didn’t tell him anything else other than where you were. He said he keeps trying to call your parents’ house to say hi to your kids cause he misses them, but they won’t answer.

All this month, a group of gamers that I watch on the Internet are doing a charity livestream event for Christmas. From Dec. 1st to the 31st, they will be broadcasting and asking for donations for different charities. I donated a small amount of money to one of the charities, The Mental Health Foundation. This is one of eight charities they recommend, but there are many others to choose from.

So far, their total donations as of the writing of this letter are $2,659,817.55.

The entertainment they provide is a welcome escape from all of the BS that life throws at me during Christmas. I wish you could be here to experience some of the crazy shit I come up with. 😛

It’s coming up on 6pm as I’m writing this last sentence. I miss you and love you! I’m glad you entrusted me with the duty of writing a letter to Coach and to get your manuscript to publishers.

And I’m assuming that you got the $50 in your Commissary from the check you got in the mail. I’ll send you more soon when my next paycheck comes in. Do let me know if there is anything else I can do for you.

I MISS YOU AND LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

WRITE ME A STORY TO READ!!!!!!!!!!!

I didn’t get a chance to write part two of the story I sent you. I hope it wasn’t too inappropriate for you while you are still there, I figured something different and erotic might be enjoyed by you. I’ll get Part Two to you soon!

Love you and miss you!

I normally would say Merry Christmas (I just did), but I know being there is not the ideal environment. 

I’ll be thinking of you!

LOVE YOU!

Paul

My return letter:

12/24/2018

Paul, 

I got your letter today, and thank you so much for writing! I got no mail last week, so I was very glad you wrote. I’m sorry you’re so busy. I’ll be the nutcrackers at the bank are a sight to see.

I love it when you’re all dressed up like an Englishman, you always look so distinguished. 

I hope your mother feels better soon, and I know what you mean about not be used to interacting with her that much. It’s a lot that you’re doing right now!

Thank you SO much for all of the help with publishing Kidowed, I appreciate it more than I can express. 

My cellie is currently pretending she wants to lick my foot. 

She’s all wound up. 

Now she’s twerking.

Christmas twerking, she says.

And farting.

She’s probably the most gassy person I’ve ever met. Now she’s yelling out the window to a CO–she’s about to be in trouble.

*sigh*

I’m staying out of it.

There’s what looks like a full moon tonight and it’s pretty.

What did you do for Christmas?

Please send the money from the check from the Artisan Center to my JPay account–thank you!

I think it’s funny you had to drill a hole in the nutcracker’s head to fix him.

Thank you also for sending the note to Coach–he’s a really good guy.

I asked my parents if they had an extra printer for you, but they said no. Thank you for supporting me, it means the world to me, and of course I trust you!

Please don’t apologize for anything, I appreciate everything you do for me.

Tell Debbie to hang in there, there’s drama at every workplace.

About Din, there’s not much to say about him. My parents are never going to answer the phone for him, but he’ll probably keep calling until the end of time.

About the publishing–the requirements for each company are different–you will probably have to go on their websites and check to see what they want–some of them might take digital copies.

Did you go to the Christmas party for your work?

Congratulations on donating to charity!

You’re so good. I wish I was there to experience the crazy shit you come up with too.

Ellen, my cellie, is calling the CO a garden gnome and a Chihuahua.

Oh my.

Time for bed.

I’ll write more tomorrow.

12/25/2018

Merry Christmas!

I hope you have a very good day. Last night Ellen couldn’t sleep, so she kept me up talking for a while–she had the worst gas! 

Then she started singing, “You’re Gonna Miss Me When I’m Gone,”  except she changed the words to, “You’re gonna miss me by my gas, you’re gonna miss me by my ass, yeah, you’re gonna miss me when I’m gone…”

It was funny.

There’s a CO here she calls “Little GI Joe” who uses big words for ordinary things, like he’ll say, “Why is your illuminating device on after 2100 hours?” which means, “Why is your light on after 9pm?”

Or, “Why are there clothes on your climbing apparatus?” (ladder)

We make fun of him endlessly.

We joke about what he would sound like if he were talking dirty: “Oh, yeah, climb up on my apparatus, baby.”

Ha ha.

Here’s my story for you:

He took her in his arms, and she shivered with desire. She raised her hand to his face and he caught it midair and placed a kiss tenderly in her palm. Her mouth hungrily sought his, and he kissed her deeply, roughly.

She reached down to feel his engorged shaft, and he growled into her mouth. Her body was begging for passion, driving him crazy.

He slid her silken gown from her body and took one of her nipples into his hot, greedy mouth, sucking gently.

“Oh, please…” she breathed into his ear.

“Tell me what pleases you, and I will give it all to you,” he responded.

She swallowed hard.

Gathering her courage, she purred, “Just touch me.”

He rumbled with soft laughter, and the promise of infinite passion. 

“Oh, I’m gonna touch you, baby,” he said, running his tongue up her neck…

To Be Continued!

BAM! How do you like them apples? 🙂

I hope to hear from you soon!

I miss you!

I love you!

Love, 

Justine

P.S. Please tell Jackson [first real boyfriend in college, still good friends] where I am and give him my address. 

Thanks!

Can you tell I just finished reading a romance novel? 

Ha ha, we’ll see how he likes THAT story.

Church in one hour–I think I’ll lay down. For Christmas Lunch we had a slice of cardboard roast beef, stuffing, watery mashed potatoes, green beans, and apple pie.

Wowzers.

I’m glad I went.

Time for Catholic Mass.

Back from church–it was a very nice service. The sermon was very moving–about how God made Christmas, not us.

I guess I’ll read, “Abba’s Child:”

“The Christian commitment is not an abstraction. It is a concrete, visible, courageous, and formidable way of being in the world and forged by daily choices consistent with inner truth.”

“The one who talks, especially if he talks to God, can affect a great deal, but the one who acts really means business and has more claims on our attention. If you want to know what a person really believes, don’t just listen to what he says, watch what he does.”

–James Mackey, the author of Jesus: The Man and the Myth

“Servanthood is not an emotion or mood or feeling; it is a decision to live like Jesus. It has nothing to do with what we feel; it has everything to do with what we DO–humble service.”

“The call to the servant lifestyle is both a warning not to be seduced by the secular standard of human greatness and also a summons to courageous faith.”

“If you want to know what God is like, look at Me. If you want to learn that your God does not come to rule but serve, watch Me. If you want assurance that you did not invent the story of God’s love, listen to my heartbeat.”

–Jesus

“We are to act justly, to love tenderly, and to walk humbly with our God (Micah 6:8). We are to claim our belovedness each day and live as servants in the awareness of present risenness.”

“What matters is how your life looks when you hold it up to the light of the gospel of the God whose nature is to love all of humankind.”

–Edward Schillebeeckx, For the Sake of the Gospel.

After dinner–

Dinner was hot dogs. 

Gross.

Gaylord (CO Big Words) wouldn’t let Ellen go to Common Room tonight because she was on the toilet when he called it–stupid.

Where’s the Christmas spirit, dude?

She gets a cigarette from somebody at 7:15pm, so she’s happy.

I mailed Paul’s letter, so that’s good.

I wonder if Coach will write me.

 I hope he does.

Back to my book:

“When I’m conscious of my belovedness and when I am alert to the present risenness of Jesus, I can face death courageously.”

“The love of God is not a mild benevolence but a consuming fire.”

–Bede Griffiths

“The engaged mind, illuminated by truth, awakens awareness; the engaged heart, affected by love, awakens passion…The integration of mind and heart shapes a unified personality living in a state of PASSIONATE AWARENESS.”

“According to Viktor Frankl [Holocaust survivor], a person finds identity only to the extent that ‘he commits himself to something beyond himself, to a cause greater than himself.’”

“Humility, recovering alcoholics like to say, is stark raving honesty.”

“The Cross reveals that Jesus has conquered sin and death and that nothing, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, can separate us from the love of Christ.”

“The release from chronic egocentricity starts with letting Christ love them where they are.”

“When Jesus told us to love our enemies, He knew that His love operation in us could melt the hardened heart and make the enemy our friend. This applies supremely, H.A. Williams writes, to the enemy within. For our own worst enemy is always ourselves.”

I must go to bed.

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Life Uncategorized

Grief and God Stuff

WOMEN’S CENTER

May 22nd, 2018

Day 323

12:30am

“Perspective is a giver. Comparison takes. Perspective is generous. Comparison pares down the loveliness of your life until it appears a thin shred of its former glory. Perspective carries us through life laughing. Comparison evokes cursing and frowns and grumbling.”

“Being paralyzed with fear and sadness, being rendered useless because of bitterness, only marks a victory for the enemy of my soul.”

8am

Mr. Big is already annoying people and it’s only 8am. He just told Sugar Momma, who is a bit overweight, that she could only have one serving of food per meal. 

That went over well.

Judgy much, Mr. Big?

Off to grocery shopping. Back to my book:

“If I believe Jesus is Bread of Life, the Beginning and the End, if I believe Jesus adorned himself in humanity, lived a humble life, and was scorned, tortured, and crucified to make atonement for me, will I not love him with all I’ve got?”

“Bloom Where You’re Planted.”

“Shall I not honor God and enjoy all of his gifts even if some are only given for a short while?”

11am

“The Bible defines faith as the ‘confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see’ (Heb. 11.2).”

“Faith is the love not we give to God.”

“I have come to the conclusion that it does not glorify God to wallow in despondency like a pig in mud.”

“How does one go through the motions of life when death has swept through your world? It was like trying to speak, but emitting barely a squeak; trying to walk, but wading through quicksand; trying to breathe, but choking on life.”

“Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?” (Job 2:10)

“It was time to walk in everything God had destined for us, and to do it with guts.”

“And because Satan the accuser is defeated by the blood of the Lamb and the work of our testimonies (Rev. 122:11), I will offer mine.”

What she says about the night that her daughter died:

“In our bedroom in the deep of the night we held her reed-thin body, never wanting to let go. We pulled out all the horrid tubes and wrapped her in her favorite soft blanket. We covered her little bald head and wept and kissed her face over and over. Then, as we fell to our knees and worshipped God–who had given her to us and to whom she had gone–we felt the presence of angels and knew we were not alone.

I never want to do that again.”

That is profound.

I know the feeling, though–about the angels. When Ethan died, I remember leaving my apartment and walking around the block, thanking God that Ethan was not suffering any more, and there was an unseasonable warmth to the early April day, and I was so compelled to leave the House of Death that I hadn’t even bothered to put on shoes. Somehow, I knew that my family wouldn’t understand my gratitude to God, and that the oppressive weight of grief would consume me when I went back to the house, and so I stayed gone as long as I felt that I could.

2pm

Now I’m watching a video Big suggested aby a named Nicholas Vujicic who has no arms or legs. He tried to commit suicide at age 10 because he was bullied in school.

“When you don’t get a miracle, you can still BE a miracle.”

This guy talks about when God sees him when he gets to Heaven and asks him who he brings with him, how many souls.

Pretty inspiring.

Now we have to go to Parenting class. We’re talking about temperament today–how people respond to an experience. We are born with a temperament, but it is also affected by environment.

7:30pm

Oh, I had a GREAT evening! I got to plant tomatoes and peppers while 2dinner was being prepared, and I taught Tori about intestinal parasites because she wants to learn how to be a Vet Tech (which made me feel awesome–I love teaching!), and then Kat let us pick lilacs from across the street to put in our rooms! 

It was fantastic.

Now, instead of a meeting we get to watch more of Nick Vujicic speaking. I thought it would be awful to stay here all day, but it wasn’t!

Huh.

Oh oh–Jo won’t get out of bed. I tried and tried and tried to talk to her, but it was Grammy who finally got her to come out. 

Now Nick Vujicic speaking to a prison:

“God loves you, and yes, He has a plan…

There is hope beyond what you see…GOD DOES MIRACLES…everything I’m telling you is true…[we] are citizens of Heaven passing through…we are meant to be eternal creatures…your soul needs restoring, peace, and rest…to believe in something that you can’t see is crazy…it’s called faith…the truth will set you free…beautiful things can come from your broken pieces, when you give your broken pieces a chance…I have joy, I have truth, and I am free…I know what you need–truth, hope…you have an enemy…his name is Satan…he made you do what you did…we take responsibility for our actions…do not let Satan win…repentance is you don’t want to live in sin anymore…hate is a sin…the greatest way not to live in temptation is to not live in sin anymore…the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob…nothing ever separates you from the love of God…I want to be free and complete…thank you for making me believe that this place called Heaven is real…sin brings death…but God sent His Son Jesus who has no sin…start in the book of John…read that book three times over…tell your brothers with conviction, “NEVER GIVE UP ON GOD!”

“Life is worth living when you have purpose.”

Oh my. I yelled at Sandra finally. I have HAD it with her attitude and control issues!

10:30pm

Okay, so I apologized to Sandra for yelling at her, but I meant what I said–which was basically, “You have to follow the rules! Staff are staff and residents are residents!! YOU DON’T MAKE THE RULES!!” She just yelled delusional bullshit back to me about how her husband was going to call Candy Flotsam (the local DA) and get her out of here by tomorrow. She just got on my last nerve today when she said that she didn’t need to go to parenting classes because, “I KNOW how to take care of my kids!!”

Well.

That was the last straw for me. DON’T insinuate that I am a bad mother, because I take that shit seriously, and it took every last piece of my emotional strength not to scream, “Bitch I PROMISE you that I am a better mother than you!!!!”

She is currently in her room tearing up her write-up for trying to run meditation group by herself and on her own schedule, while yelling that she wants her money from the safe and that she’s leaving. 

MmmHM.

I’d like to see that, Missus Mouth. If you were gonna go, you woulda already been gone, and that’s a fact.

Back to my book, “And Still She Laughs.”

Roman’s 8:35, 38-39

Paul– “Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? … I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow–not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the Earth below–indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

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Jesus, The Morning After Pill, and Forgiveness

May 1st, 2018

Day 302

Tuesday

7am

I couldn’t sleep last night. I finally got up at 5am. I took a shower and did my hair, and put on a new shirt that I got yesterday, and I have to say–I look pretty damn good! I HAVE to finish that stupid 3rd essay today–my restriction goes for a month from when it’s turned in.

Ugh.

9:30am

I finished the essay. Now off to Crossroads with Tori. 

Oh no! We saw a dead cat on the road.  >:(

The driver asked if we wanted to stop and give it artificial insemination. 

Funny. 

Oh Larry.

He’s a good guy–always has a good radio station on for us. We just passed a sign that said, “Jesus chose fishermen as his disciples.”

Huh.

Interesting. 

Need to research: salivary tests for neurotransmitters to see if people are on the right medication. 

–Researched–salivary tests for determining what kind of medication a person should be on are not FDA approved and are basically a scam. They don’t match or predict anything.

On the board at group:

“A real apology is changed behavior. It takes longer for a brain to transform than it does a conversation to expire.”

My therapist at group thinks that I should write my sister love letters. I think that’s a fine idea, but what will I say? I can’t pretend that my resentments toward her don’t crop up when I think of it–she was instrumental in getting my kids taken away from me three years ago…I guess I’ll try anyway, given that she’s all I’ve talked about for a week now in therapy. I talked to her ex-husband last night on the phone (which is probably why I couldn’t sleep last night), and he couldn’t tell me much except that he was keeping their 5-year old son for the time being. I wonder what’s going to happen with her. 

Okay, here goes: 

Elizabeth:

I wanted you to know I was thinking about you. I love you no matter what, and I want you to know that. I tried not to, but even after you did the worst thing you could ever do to me, I still find myself loving you. I really do want the best for you, and I’m worried about you. How did your doctor’s appointment go, and are you seeing your therapist regularly?

I have an inkling that you know this already, but this Bipolar business is no joke. But the good news is that it can be controlled, but you have to get help in order for that to happen. You deserve a better quality of life than you have and so do the people around you, like your son and your husband. I know it’s hard, but try to imagine for a moment what it would be like NOT to have to live like you do anymore, without the mood swings and “crashes?” 

I hope that we can keep in touch when I get out in July and that our kids can get to know each other better. I know you’re in trouble right now even if you don’t, and there is help available to you, if you would just ask for it.

I love you.

Love, 

Jess

Last night we were doing “discussion questions” for group, which are meant to be a little controversial, and one of the questions was, “What do you think about the ‘morning after’ pill?” Tori didn’t like the answers some of the more pro-life-leaning women had to say about that, and she said to me today, “I wanted to say, ‘I’ll  get pregnant right now and kill my baby in front of you! I’ll have a miscarriage right on your face!’”

Oh, Tori. 

I had to laugh. 

She’s hilarious.

I wonder what’s going to happen in the next couple of months with her. She’s talking to this new guy that’s in recovery, Harley, and it seems like he wants to kidnap her and hold her hostage for life. He’s like, in love with her and they only just met a couple of weeks ago. 

Oh, dead cat again.

I’m not sure how I feel about him yet. I guess he’s okay except that he’s 46.

5pm

I had parenting classes from 2pm-3pm, then back in the car for a dentist appointment, now back to the Center. The nice weather makes me want to be out of there so fucking bad. Like how many times do I have to start my life over already??!!

I guess I’ve never tried to start it over sober, though. 

In any case, I’ll probably have to go back to Coudersport again tonight for the meeting. 

We’ll see. 

Oh, wait, no–in house meeting tonight, I forgot. 

Ugh–those are hella boring.

May 2nd, 2018

Day 303

12pm

Oh, I’m in a horrible mood. I haven’t smoked since 7am and I’m super tired for some reason. I wonder what’s for lunch. Big won’t let me smoke–grrrrr……but he did give me a book on Forgiveness, which I think I’ll read. Jo keeps saying she’s going to leave this place and go back to jail because she can’t talk to her boyfriend–who is an abusive fuck, if you ask me. 

Okay–

Book: 

“Forgiveness” by Charles Stanley © 1987

This book is almost as old as me.

“Forgiveness is the act of setting someone free from an obligation to you that is a result of a wrong done against you.”

“The three essential elements of forgiveness are injury, a debt resulting from the injury, and a cancellation of the debt.”

“Four reasons by the person with an unforgiving spirit is the real loser are:

  1. Unforgiveness, by its very nature, prevents individuals from following through on many of the specifics of the Christian life and practically necessitates that they walk by the flesh rather than by the Spirit. 

‘But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law…If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit.’ –Galatians 5:22-23, 25”

  1. The destructive nature of an unforgiving spirit is such that it is not limited to one relationship. Resentment and other negative feelings spill over into other relationships.
  2. The rejection connection: when a person is wronged in some way, whether in marriage, business, friendship, or some other relationship, rejection occurs. The classic case would be when a guy breaks up with his girlfriend because he has found another girl. In her struggle with rejection, the girl swears she will never trust another male.

Rejection evolves into an unforgiving spirit, and eventually into bitterness, taking a terrible toll. The person is left with a deep sense of emptiness, an inner sense that something is missing.

  1. Since the person with the unforgiving spirit is usually waiting for the other person to make restitution, a great deal of time may go by. During this time, fleshly patterns of behavior and incorrect thought patterns develop. Even after an unforgiving spirit is corrected, the side effects can take years to deal with, especially in the area of relationships.

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Sexist Pigs and God Shit

Women’s Center

Day 76

September 18th, 2017

Monday

Welp, this grief group project is going pretty much how I thought it would–with a lot of non-answeres and frustration from Mr. Big. He’s very easily distracted and doesn’t seem to have the ability to prioritize well when it comes to matters of importance. 

For instance, I was trying to talk him into letting me send out my press releases today, and he got distracted by one of the younger residents who was bopping around and telling jokes about how she was wearing flip flops with socks

Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike………….really?

Try to keep up, dude. 

This is important to me. 

Bla. Anyway, I talked to my therapist about the group and she thinks it’s a good idea and gave me some suggestions.

My mind has seemed so scrambled lately. I miss my kids so much. Old Toothless passed out at lunchtime and had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital.

She looked terrible. Seemed like a respiratory issue to me. Her oxygen saturation was 93%.

Scary.

The staff handled it well, and called 911 right away. She kept saying her head hurt and she was so tired, poor woman. I hope she’s okay. Maybe she needs to be on oxygen.

Tomorrow I go for an intake interview for intensive outpatient rehab and Wednesday I have a dentist appointment. I am NOT looking forward to that. The last two people that had teeth pulled, the Center wouldn’t fill their pain medication.

WTF.

I do NOT want to have teeth pulled with no pain meds.

Meanwhile, here are some quotes about pain, fittingly:

“When you break through the bottom of sorrow, light floods out.”

“The chief characteristics of those who have passed through great sadness are a gentle gaze upon others and a willingness to wait patiently for others’ growth.”

“Pain tempers the soul and develops generosity.”

“Humility and compassion are borne of sorrow.”

Enough of that.

Okay, so over the weekend we were playing this funny game for group called who, what, when, where, why. Here’s how you play–these words are written on a piece of paper and handed out to everyone, and everyone fills out the who, then folds it over and passes it, and then everyone fills out the what, and folds it over and passes it, etc.

Here’s the one that’s about me:

Who: Jess

What: sharted on Daisy’s chest

When: At Old Toothless’s house

Where: In the Boiler Room

Why: Because Jess’s lupus got cured by the Women’s Center’s water

Hahahaha funny. Mr. Big is always telling me to drink water for anything I complain of, so that’s where that came from.

5pm

Dinner time

8pm

Meeting

I guess they’re keeping Old Toothless at the hospital. Of course they don’t know what’s wrong with her, but went to discharge her anyway, and then she fainted again. I hate that hospital. I should have sued them when I had the chance.

“Progress, not perfection.”

“Don’t leave before the miracle happens.”

“It’s easier to stay sober than to get sober.”

“Recovery is not just about not drinking[/using].”

Sometimes the women in the Center drive me crazy! This poor guy here that says his R’s like W’s is telling a beautiful story to the best of his ability about how he found serenity in nature the other night sleeping out under the stars, and all these girls (yes, girls) can do is titter relentlessly about his speech impediment. 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHH!!

Funny aside:

Lou: “Do you hear voices in your head?”

Rena: “Just the normal ones everybody hears.”

Day 77

September 19th, 2017

Tuesday


Off to Wellsboro for a Crossroads intake. Fun fun. It’s intensive outpatient therapy, so that maybe I won’t have to go to inpatient rehab. My hands are killing me today, it hurts to write. The weather is so humid it’s still foggy and it’s 8 o’clock. 

When I get back I’ll have to see if the Big Boss texted Mr. Big about my press releases. I don’t know this driver’s name. He’s not a talker. Hasn’t said a word. When I walked out he was talking to another driver and the other driver looked at me and exclaimed, “You got a good one! Stay out of trouble!” Gross. Sexist pig. I wonder how Paul Bunyon is doing. I haven’t heard from him. Writing hurts. I think I’ll take a nap.

10am

Okay, well that’s done. Lot’s of paperwork and tons of signatures. Geez, this guy really likes the brakes. Let’s see what my Bible says for today. 

What Would Jesus Do? 

Thinking with the Mind of Christ

“Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God…For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord…

“We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man’s gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully…”

“Every member of the Body has the potential to be–and should be led and fed toward functioning as–a fully equipped agent of Jesus Christ.”

–Jack Hayford

Grief book

“We have seen how the death of a child is an expulsion from the land of innocence.”

“One of the vital tasks of grief-work is to come to a point where life again takes on meaning. Parents who fail to find meaningful outlets remain stuck. Parents who seek and find meaningful pursuits heal themselves more quickly.”

“Coming to feel worthwhile again is one essential ingredient in healing.”

“Today I know that you can’t save anybody. But I know through the work that I do that sometimes you can help somebody to save themselves.”

–Jill–daughter committed suicide, now an alcoholism counselor

“Repeatedly, bereaved parents spoke of a newly acquired value for empathy with the anguish of others.”

“Not only do these parents say that their focus on “things” diminishes, but they find that materialism and superficiality in others becomes annoying.”

“Bereaved parents acquire a wisdom and maturity prematurely.”

“They didn’t want to get stronger, there is simply no choice; black or white, live through this or die.”

“Steel has to go through fire to get its strength.”

John 1:23 He said, “I am ‘the voice of one crying out in the wilderness, Make straight the way of the Lord,’ as the prophet Isaiah said.”

6pm

In-house AA meeting:

When ready, we say something like this, “My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding.”

Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us.

Ha!

The birthday of AA is my birthday: 6/10/1935

I hate this group. It’s so boring. This woman acts like taking care of her wounded horse once a day is the freakin’ hardest thing she has ever done in her life, and I’m supposed to derive peace and strength and serenity from HER? 

WhatEVER.

Then she lets the women gossip and bitch about the Center for the last 20 minutes of the meeting. It drives me crazy. I am bored out of my skull. I can’t wait to get on the computer to send out my press releases.

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Blind Faith, Emily Dickinson, and Violent Explosions

Women’s Center

Day 69

September 11th, 2017

Monday

Off to my therapy appointment with Fred the Driver. My chest hurts today–I don’t know if I’m sick or stressed. Probably both. I’ve filled up two journals so far and have started on my third today. It seems fitting that Ethan’s birthday would end one–the beginning of a new chapter hopefully. I remember when I was pregnant, I was afraid he would be born on 9/11 and it would be a harbinger of bad luck. Ha! I gotta stop being so superstitious and probably just trust in God, like every other happy person on Earth. They just seem to think that every good thing is God’s doing, and then when bad things happen, God helps them through. Blind faith, they call it, and it works for millions. 

Huh.

Reading my grief book–I went through this too when Ethan died, and this is why I wrote Kidowed. 

“Enid – When it was gone, it wasn’t like I could go back to the outside world and say, I am still his mother.” 

To the outside world I am a single woman with no children. It’s hard to come to grips with. I wish there could be a stamp for it like widow or widower, some way I could identify to people when they say, “Do you have any children?” You could say I am a __________! Bereaved is the only word I can come up with. 

Just as alcoholics are said to never be cured, a present is never “cured”” of grief–that parent will never be a “former” bereaved parent, that parent will forevermore be a recovering bereaved parent.”

Fred likes Christian music. Geezoman. He’s a really noisy breather too. Can you really jam to Christian music? It all sounds the same to me. Maybe it’s uplifting to him. I’m being immersed in God stuff.

Hope I don’t drown.

“Studies have shown that children, regardless of age, are able to survive a tragic loss, even multiple losses, if they are cherished and secure afterward.”

Huh.

Maybe my children will be okay after all.

“I measure each grief I meet 

With analytic eyes;

I wonder it if weighs like mine, 

Or has an easier size.

I wonder if it hurts to live, 

Or if they have to try, 

And whether, could they choose between, 

They would rather not die.

  –Emily Dickinson

“In sudden, unexpected death, the parents drop into the pit of extreme despair. Shock, extreme confusion, and disorganization often occur. The world as they knew it disappears in a violent explosion. Their sense of control is assaulted. Life is no longer predictable and sensible.”

“The time of dying is exhausting in every way. When death comes, often there is a small sense of relief. That fleeting feeling passes and the long bout with grief begins.”

Fred’s advice:

  1. Start with the Book of John. The first chapter may be hard, but read it.
  2. “Jesus empowers you to live the life that you want to.”
  3. “Every eye will see him when returns.”
  4. Jesus, I’m sorry for what I’ve done, please forgive me, and please come into my life.”
  5. Don’t live for yourself.
  6. Jesus is first.
  7. Others are second.
  8. You are next.
  9. Teach this to your children by example.

Fred says that without Jesus Christ in his life, the song, “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction” was a revelation at a truck stop for him. 

About September 11th, Fred was driving truck when the planes hit. They closed the border so he couldn’t go to Canada. 

John 14 vs 6 “I am the way, the truth, and the life.”’

I’ve accepted Ethan’s death over and over and over again, Ethan’s death. I’m exhausted of being angry.

7:30 (Half of page missing)

My kids are not coming today. They are going to my step-brother Will’s house for his son’s birthday party. They’re step-cousins, if you will. Will molested me and my sister for a good six years growing up. So all three of my children are going to a child molester’s house instead of coming to see their mother. Nice. I guess my parents want to go back to court too.

10:30pm

“I am always ready to learn, but I do NOT always like being taught.”

–Winston Churchill

I dreaded that first robin so,

But he is mastered now,

And I’m accustomed to him grown, 

He hurts a little, though.

–Emily Dickinson

From my book:
“The shadows do begin to lighten ever so slowly, almost imperceptibly, over time; but the landscape has changed.”

6pm

Gawd. Now we’re discussing the resident that committed suicide over at Mountain Laurel. He was about 10 years older than me, rumored to have a wife and two kids at home. Shame. Everybody’s going around saying, “There’s nothing we could do…at least he’s not suffering anymore…”

What is THAT bullshit?!! Of course you can help people who are suffering and contemplating suicide! It’s not just a bomb that goes off! People don’t commit suicide in a vaccuum! They usually suffer for a long time before, and might be able to be helped. Otherwise there would be no suicide prevention programs–duh!

Anyway, we’re talking about resentments. You know who I’m resentful at today? Fucking Brash. He won’t keep his tiny dick out of my business and my name out of his mouth. He’s fucking shit-talking me all over town, and HE’S the one who made the phone call to probation that I was using! I’VE never done anything to that little boy! He’s probably just mad that I wouldn’t fuck him. Dweeb. Hope he got Hep C tested because he was sharing needles with Ike to shoot up his fucking Wellbutrin pills so he could get high while on drug court. God, this woman is so full of herself. I should be listening.