bible – Love, Justine

WOMEN’S CENTER

May 22nd, 2018

Day 323

12:30am

“Perspective is a giver. Comparison takes. Perspective is generous. Comparison pares down the loveliness of your life until it appears a thin shred of its former glory. Perspective carries us through life laughing. Comparison evokes cursing and frowns and grumbling.”

“Being paralyzed with fear and sadness, being rendered useless because of bitterness, only marks a victory for the enemy of my soul.”

8am

Mr. Big is already annoying people and it’s only 8am. He just told Sugar Momma, who is a bit overweight, that she could only have one serving of food per meal.

That went over well.

Judgy much, Mr. Big?

Off to grocery shopping. Back to my book:

“If I believe Jesus is Bread of Life, the Beginning and the End, if I believe Jesus adorned himself in humanity, lived a humble life, and was scorned, tortured, and crucified to make atonement for me, will I not love him with all I’ve got?”

“Bloom Where You’re Planted.”

“Shall I not honor God and enjoy all of his gifts even if some are only given for a short while?”

11am

“The Bible defines faith as the ‘confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see’ (Heb. 11.2).”

“Faith is the love not we give to God.”

“I have come to the conclusion that it does not glorify God to wallow in despondency like a pig in mud.”

“How does one go through the motions of life when death has swept through your world? It was like trying to speak, but emitting barely a squeak; trying to walk, but wading through quicksand; trying to breathe, but choking on life.”

“Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?” (Job 2:10)

“It was time to walk in everything God had destined for us, and to do it with guts.”

“And because Satan the accuser is defeated by the blood of the Lamb and the work of our testimonies (Rev. 122:11), I will offer mine.”

What she says about the night that her daughter died:

“In our bedroom in the deep of the night we held her reed-thin body, never wanting to let go. We pulled out all the horrid tubes and wrapped her in her favorite soft blanket. We covered her little bald head and wept and kissed her face over and over. Then, as we fell to our knees and worshipped God–who had given her to us and to whom she had gone–we felt the presence of angels and knew we were not alone.

I never want to do that again.”

That is profound.

I know the feeling, though–about the angels. When Ethan died, I remember leaving my apartment and walking around the block, thanking God that Ethan was not suffering any more, and there was an unseasonable warmth to the early April day, and I was so compelled to leave the House of Death that I hadn’t even bothered to put on shoes. Somehow, I knew that my family wouldn’t understand my gratitude to God, and that the oppressive weight of grief would consume me when I went back to the house, and so I stayed gone as long as I felt that I could.

2pm

Now I’m watching a video Big suggested aby a named Nicholas Vujicic who has no arms or legs. He tried to commit suicide at age 10 because he was bullied in school.

“When you don’t get a miracle, you can still BE a miracle.”

This guy talks about when God sees him when he gets to Heaven and asks him who he brings with him, how many souls.

Pretty inspiring.

Now we have to go to Parenting class. We’re talking about temperament today–how people respond to an experience. We are born with a temperament, but it is also affected by environment.

7:30pm

Oh, I had a GREAT evening! I got to plant tomatoes and peppers while 2dinner was being prepared, and I taught Tori about intestinal parasites because she wants to learn how to be a Vet Tech (which made me feel awesome–I love teaching!), and then Kat let us pick lilacs from across the street to put in our rooms!

It was fantastic.

Now, instead of a meeting we get to watch more of Nick Vujicic speaking. I thought it would be awful to stay here all day, but it wasn’t!

Huh.

Oh oh–Jo won’t get out of bed. I tried and tried and tried to talk to her, but it was Grammy who finally got her to come out.

Now Nick Vujicic speaking to a prison:

“God loves you, and yes, He has a plan…

There is hope beyond what you see…GOD DOES MIRACLES…everything I’m telling you is true…[we] are citizens of Heaven passing through…we are meant to be eternal creatures…your soul needs restoring, peace, and rest…to believe in something that you can’t see is crazy…it’s called faith…the truth will set you free…beautiful things can come from your broken pieces, when you give your broken pieces a chance…I have joy, I have truth, and I am free…I know what you need–truth, hope…you have an enemy…his name is Satan…he made you do what you did…we take responsibility for our actions…do not let Satan win…repentance is you don’t want to live in sin anymore…hate is a sin…the greatest way not to live in temptation is to not live in sin anymore…the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob…nothing ever separates you from the love of God…I want to be free and complete…thank you for making me believe that this place called Heaven is real…sin brings death…but God sent His Son Jesus who has no sin…start in the book of John…read that book three times over…tell your brothers with conviction, “NEVER GIVE UP ON GOD!”

“Life is worth living when you have purpose.”

Oh my. I yelled at Sandra finally. I have HAD it with her attitude and control issues!

10:30pm

Okay, so I apologized to Sandra for yelling at her, but I meant what I said–which was basically, “You have to follow the rules! Staff are staff and residents are residents!! YOU DON’T MAKE THE RULES!!” She just yelled delusional bullshit back to me about how her husband was going to call Candy Flotsam (the local DA) and get her out of here by tomorrow. She just got on my last nerve today when she said that she didn’t need to go to parenting classes because, “I KNOW how to take care of my kids!!”

Well.

That was the last straw for me. DON’T insinuate that I am a bad mother, because I take that shit seriously, and it took every last piece of my emotional strength not to scream, “Bitch I PROMISE you that I am a better mother than you!!!!”

She is currently in her room tearing up her write-up for trying to run meditation group by herself and on her own schedule, while yelling that she wants her money from the safe and that she’s leaving.

MmmHM.

I’d like to see that, Missus Mouth. If you were gonna go, you woulda already been gone, and that’s a fact.

Back to my book, “And Still She Laughs.”

Roman’s 8:35, 38-39

Paul– “Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? … I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow–not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the Earth below–indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Jesus, The Morning After Pill, and Forgiveness

May 1st, 2018

Day 302

Tuesday

7am

I couldn’t sleep last night. I finally got up at 5am. I took a shower and did my hair, and put on a new shirt that I got yesterday, and I have to say–I look pretty damn good! I HAVE to finish that stupid 3rd essay today–my restriction goes for a month from when it’s turned in.

Ugh.

9:30am

I finished the essay. Now off to Crossroads with Tori.

Oh no! We saw a dead cat on the road. >:(

The driver asked if we wanted to stop and give it artificial insemination.

Funny.

Oh Larry.

He’s a good guy–always has a good radio station on for us. We just passed a sign that said, “Jesus chose fishermen as his disciples.”

Huh.

Interesting.

Need to research: salivary tests for neurotransmitters to see if people are on the right medication.

–Researched–salivary tests for determining what kind of medication a person should be on are not FDA approved and are basically a scam. They don’t match or predict anything.

On the board at group:

“A real apology is changed behavior. It takes longer for a brain to transform than it does a conversation to expire.”

My therapist at group thinks that I should write my sister love letters. I think that’s a fine idea, but what will I say? I can’t pretend that my resentments toward her don’t crop up when I think of it–she was instrumental in getting my kids taken away from me three years ago…I guess I’ll try anyway, given that she’s all I’ve talked about for a week now in therapy. I talked to her ex-husband last night on the phone (which is probably why I couldn’t sleep last night), and he couldn’t tell me much except that he was keeping their 5-year old son for the time being. I wonder what’s going to happen with her.

Okay, here goes:

Elizabeth:

I wanted you to know I was thinking about you. I love you no matter what, and I want you to know that. I tried not to, but even after you did the worst thing you could ever do to me, I still find myself loving you. I really do want the best for you, and I’m worried about you. How did your doctor’s appointment go, and are you seeing your therapist regularly?

I have an inkling that you know this already, but this Bipolar business is no joke. But the good news is that it can be controlled, but you have to get help in order for that to happen. You deserve a better quality of life than you have and so do the people around you, like your son and your husband. I know it’s hard, but try to imagine for a moment what it would be like NOT to have to live like you do anymore, without the mood swings and “crashes?”

I hope that we can keep in touch when I get out in July and that our kids can get to know each other better. I know you’re in trouble right now even if you don’t, and there is help available to you, if you would just ask for it.

I love you.

Love,

Jess

Last night we were doing “discussion questions” for group, which are meant to be a little controversial, and one of the questions was, “What do you think about the ‘morning after’ pill?” Tori didn’t like the answers some of the more pro-life-leaning women had to say about that, and she said to me today, “I wanted to say, ‘I’ll get pregnant right now and kill my baby in front of you! I’ll have a miscarriage right on your face!’”

Oh, Tori.

I had to laugh.

She’s hilarious.

I wonder what’s going to happen in the next couple of months with her. She’s talking to this new guy that’s in recovery, Harley, and it seems like he wants to kidnap her and hold her hostage for life. He’s like, in love with her and they only just met a couple of weeks ago.

Oh, dead cat again.

I’m not sure how I feel about him yet. I guess he’s okay except that he’s 46.

5pm

I had parenting classes from 2pm-3pm, then back in the car for a dentist appointment, now back to the Center. The nice weather makes me want to be out of there so fucking bad. Like how many times do I have to start my life over already??!!

I guess I’ve never tried to start it over sober, though.

In any case, I’ll probably have to go back to Coudersport again tonight for the meeting.

We’ll see.

Oh, wait, no–in house meeting tonight, I forgot.

Ugh–those are hella boring.

May 2nd, 2018

Day 303

12pm

Oh, I’m in a horrible mood. I haven’t smoked since 7am and I’m super tired for some reason. I wonder what’s for lunch. Big won’t let me smoke–grrrrr……but he did give me a book on Forgiveness, which I think I’ll read. Jo keeps saying she’s going to leave this place and go back to jail because she can’t talk to her boyfriend–who is an abusive fuck, if you ask me.

Okay–

Book:

This book is almost as old as me.

“Forgiveness is the act of setting someone free from an obligation to you that is a result of a wrong done against you.”

“The three essential elements of forgiveness are injury, a debt resulting from the injury, and a cancellation of the debt.”

“Four reasons by the person with an unforgiving spirit is the real loser are:

Unforgiveness, by its very nature, prevents individuals from following through on many of the specifics of the Christian life and practically necessitates that they walk by the flesh rather than by the Spirit.

‘But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law…If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit.’ –Galatians 5:22-23, 25”

The destructive nature of an unforgiving spirit is such that it is not limited to one relationship. Resentment and other negative feelings spill over into other relationships.
The rejection connection: when a person is wronged in some way, whether in marriage, business, friendship, or some other relationship, rejection occurs. The classic case would be when a guy breaks up with his girlfriend because he has found another girl. In her struggle with rejection, the girl swears she will never trust another male.

Rejection evolves into an unforgiving spirit, and eventually into bitterness, taking a terrible toll. The person is left with a deep sense of emptiness, an inner sense that something is missing.

Since the person with the unforgiving spirit is usually waiting for the other person to make restitution, a great deal of time may go by. During this time, fleshly patterns of behavior and incorrect thought patterns develop. Even after an unforgiving spirit is corrected, the side effects can take years to deal with, especially in the area of relationships.