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Grief and God Stuff

WOMEN’S CENTER

May 22nd, 2018

Day 323

12:30am

“Perspective is a giver. Comparison takes. Perspective is generous. Comparison pares down the loveliness of your life until it appears a thin shred of its former glory. Perspective carries us through life laughing. Comparison evokes cursing and frowns and grumbling.”

“Being paralyzed with fear and sadness, being rendered useless because of bitterness, only marks a victory for the enemy of my soul.”

8am

Mr. Big is already annoying people and it’s only 8am. He just told Sugar Momma, who is a bit overweight, that she could only have one serving of food per meal. 

That went over well.

Judgy much, Mr. Big?

Off to grocery shopping. Back to my book:

“If I believe Jesus is Bread of Life, the Beginning and the End, if I believe Jesus adorned himself in humanity, lived a humble life, and was scorned, tortured, and crucified to make atonement for me, will I not love him with all I’ve got?”

“Bloom Where You’re Planted.”

“Shall I not honor God and enjoy all of his gifts even if some are only given for a short while?”

11am

“The Bible defines faith as the ‘confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see’ (Heb. 11.2).”

“Faith is the love not we give to God.”

“I have come to the conclusion that it does not glorify God to wallow in despondency like a pig in mud.”

“How does one go through the motions of life when death has swept through your world? It was like trying to speak, but emitting barely a squeak; trying to walk, but wading through quicksand; trying to breathe, but choking on life.”

“Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?” (Job 2:10)

“It was time to walk in everything God had destined for us, and to do it with guts.”

“And because Satan the accuser is defeated by the blood of the Lamb and the work of our testimonies (Rev. 122:11), I will offer mine.”

What she says about the night that her daughter died:

“In our bedroom in the deep of the night we held her reed-thin body, never wanting to let go. We pulled out all the horrid tubes and wrapped her in her favorite soft blanket. We covered her little bald head and wept and kissed her face over and over. Then, as we fell to our knees and worshipped God–who had given her to us and to whom she had gone–we felt the presence of angels and knew we were not alone.

I never want to do that again.”

That is profound.

I know the feeling, though–about the angels. When Ethan died, I remember leaving my apartment and walking around the block, thanking God that Ethan was not suffering any more, and there was an unseasonable warmth to the early April day, and I was so compelled to leave the House of Death that I hadn’t even bothered to put on shoes. Somehow, I knew that my family wouldn’t understand my gratitude to God, and that the oppressive weight of grief would consume me when I went back to the house, and so I stayed gone as long as I felt that I could.

2pm

Now I’m watching a video Big suggested aby a named Nicholas Vujicic who has no arms or legs. He tried to commit suicide at age 10 because he was bullied in school.

“When you don’t get a miracle, you can still BE a miracle.”

This guy talks about when God sees him when he gets to Heaven and asks him who he brings with him, how many souls.

Pretty inspiring.

Now we have to go to Parenting class. We’re talking about temperament today–how people respond to an experience. We are born with a temperament, but it is also affected by environment.

7:30pm

Oh, I had a GREAT evening! I got to plant tomatoes and peppers while 2dinner was being prepared, and I taught Tori about intestinal parasites because she wants to learn how to be a Vet Tech (which made me feel awesome–I love teaching!), and then Kat let us pick lilacs from across the street to put in our rooms! 

It was fantastic.

Now, instead of a meeting we get to watch more of Nick Vujicic speaking. I thought it would be awful to stay here all day, but it wasn’t!

Huh.

Oh oh–Jo won’t get out of bed. I tried and tried and tried to talk to her, but it was Grammy who finally got her to come out. 

Now Nick Vujicic speaking to a prison:

“God loves you, and yes, He has a plan…

There is hope beyond what you see…GOD DOES MIRACLES…everything I’m telling you is true…[we] are citizens of Heaven passing through…we are meant to be eternal creatures…your soul needs restoring, peace, and rest…to believe in something that you can’t see is crazy…it’s called faith…the truth will set you free…beautiful things can come from your broken pieces, when you give your broken pieces a chance…I have joy, I have truth, and I am free…I know what you need–truth, hope…you have an enemy…his name is Satan…he made you do what you did…we take responsibility for our actions…do not let Satan win…repentance is you don’t want to live in sin anymore…hate is a sin…the greatest way not to live in temptation is to not live in sin anymore…the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob…nothing ever separates you from the love of God…I want to be free and complete…thank you for making me believe that this place called Heaven is real…sin brings death…but God sent His Son Jesus who has no sin…start in the book of John…read that book three times over…tell your brothers with conviction, “NEVER GIVE UP ON GOD!”

“Life is worth living when you have purpose.”

Oh my. I yelled at Sandra finally. I have HAD it with her attitude and control issues!

10:30pm

Okay, so I apologized to Sandra for yelling at her, but I meant what I said–which was basically, “You have to follow the rules! Staff are staff and residents are residents!! YOU DON’T MAKE THE RULES!!” She just yelled delusional bullshit back to me about how her husband was going to call Candy Flotsam (the local DA) and get her out of here by tomorrow. She just got on my last nerve today when she said that she didn’t need to go to parenting classes because, “I KNOW how to take care of my kids!!”

Well.

That was the last straw for me. DON’T insinuate that I am a bad mother, because I take that shit seriously, and it took every last piece of my emotional strength not to scream, “Bitch I PROMISE you that I am a better mother than you!!!!”

She is currently in her room tearing up her write-up for trying to run meditation group by herself and on her own schedule, while yelling that she wants her money from the safe and that she’s leaving. 

MmmHM.

I’d like to see that, Missus Mouth. If you were gonna go, you woulda already been gone, and that’s a fact.

Back to my book, “And Still She Laughs.”

Roman’s 8:35, 38-39

Paul– “Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? … I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow–not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the Earth below–indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

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Chester Bennington and Forgiving God

MUNCY STATE PRISON

Still December 4th, 2024

9:04pm

My eyes are bloodshot. I’m exhausted. Better than being manic. Bingo tonight. Swiper and I both called Bingo at the same time, so they called another number as a tiebreaker, and Swiper won. Zuko later said that it was a metaphor for my life here: I win something and then Swiper steals it from me.

Funny.

One the radio:

“I let my guard down, 

And then you pulled the rug,

I was getting kind of used to being someone you loved…”


The “You’’ in this metaphor is God. In 2003, my life was going great, and then Ethan died and it never recovered, no matter how hard I tried.

In SUDS (Substance Use Disorder Something or Other) today we watched a part of a documentary of Chester Bennington, the lead singer of Linkin Park who killed himself. I fail to see what this has to do with addiction treatment, but whatever. Bennington said things while he was alive like, “I didn’t know who I was,” “I was a mess,” “I was surviving,” and “Life if tough, I’m kind of broken.” He also said, “Every year of my life has been a rough year,” and that he hated the world.

He sounds a lot like me.

I have to let my anger at God go, or I’m afraid I’m just going to keep attracting events and circumstances to my life that victimize me. I have to forgive God, but I don’t know how.

Daisy and I were talking today about how she’s an abuser-magnet.

I’m a tragedy magnet.

Look up Max Lucado– “Why Would You Do This to Me?”

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Strip-Searches, Life-Affirming Essences, and Miracles

MUNCY STATE PRISON

November 20th, 2024

Wednesday

8:30pm

We were locked down yesterday and today. Yesterday for a whole shakedown of the Unit, which was a nightmare. Locked down from 9am till 6pm, and they shut off the water, so the toilets were all full of shit, piss, and blood. 

Disgusting.

Also, they passed out water bottles to the bottom tier but not the top tier, so we had nothing to drink, even for lunch. Then Daisy literally peed her pants because at first they weren’t letting anyone use the bathroom. 

It was horrible and inhumane.

I hate this place.

Then handcuffs, strip searches, and metal detectors. 

Then tear your cell apart for no reason. 

They dumped Swiper’s entire box of paperwork on her bed.

I can’t believe I have a year of incarceration left.

Kimberly leaves in the morning.

I will miss her.

November 22nd, 2024

Book: 

“Children of the State: Stories of Survival and Hope in the Juvenile Justice System” by Jeff Hobbs © 2023

P. 25-26

“Over the past decade, roughly 2 million minors have been arrested in America per year, and any single day found around 30,000 of them locked up in secure placement facilities. The high turnover within such facilities meant that in the modern era some 150,000 young people spent time in jail, even if only for an afternoon, in the span of a year.”

P. 26-27

“The overarching goal of all changes in treatment and accommodation has been to reduce the recidivism rate among incarcerated American youth. In any era or year, this one statistic has always been absolutely paramount, signifying the effectiveness of a given system in a given place and time.

Judging by this simple metric, the systems that had never worked well were still not working well in this increasingly progressive era. Though no comprehensive national recidivism database existed, the aggregate local numbers suggested that despite improving conditions and programs, children were still far more likely than adults to be reincarcerated within three years of release–up to 84 percent by some estimates. The figure was harrowing, especially in contrast with the far rosier outcome numbers for juvenile arrestees who were put directly on probation or sent to drug treatment facilities or diverted by other routes from the full weight of the justice system. The disparity in these numbers spoke to some near-universal breakage of spirit that occurred within young people the moment they were confined in residence, which was one of the myriad terms used in juvenile courts to leaven the term’s actual meaning: prison. Whatever resilience that children inherently possessed seemed to vanish the moment a dead bolt fastened loudly behind them. Whatever national ethos championing the notion of self-determination that still presided over the country’s educational systems became irrelevant.

Entering a juvenile hall was statistically dooming. While juvenile records legally expired at age eighteen (or a certain number of years after one’s last offense, depending on the state), the unlikelihood of a juvie resident ever fully unshackling him- or herself from the justice system was writ in the grim outcomes of nearly all who’d been incarcerated before, pre-dating the nation’s founding. These outcomes had little to do with food quality or exercise. They were a testament to the way that life-affirming essences such as hope and perseverance didn’t just retreat within young souls in small rooms behind locked doors, but ceased to operate entirely.”

Book: 

“Crazy Enough” by Storm Large 

Excerpt, p. 261-262

“And the greatest performances I’ve seen or given are not unlike the most incredible sex one can ever have. It’s when you are truly torn open and powerless, and you lose it completely. You can call it God, or spirit, or art, or whatever chaotic mystery that sounds right to you, but when you are stripped of all your defenses, that’s when miracles happen. 

Maintaining composure during those experiences is beside the point. It’s so much better to feel like you might not survive the encounter, shit the bed, and touch the infinite.”

“The universe is made of stories, not of atoms.”

–Muriel Rukeyser

9:30pm

Cricket doesn’t say much. That’s why I named her Cricket–whenever it’s her turn to talk at the “Self-Help” meeting that is really an AA meeting–crickets. On her 40th birthday, she found out both that her friend had hung himself to death and that her “victim’s” family had won a lawsuit for $1 million. Cricket brought drugs into a county jail, where she shared them with a friend, who subsequently overdosed and died. Apparently, the friend’s family sued the jail and won.

Lights out.

I miss Kimberly. 

I hope she’s doing okay. She was so funny. What the hell am I going to blog about now?  I wonder if Daughters magazine would publish my blogs. 

Probably not. 

Too crude.

So, I read Storm Large’s book. It was good. It reminded me of how I used to write. She felt terrible for feeling relieved when her mother died.

What does that make me?

I felt relieved when my son died.

He was so sick…but so was she. 

I can identify with that.

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Heaven, Prayers, and Hair Dye

September 20th, 2017

Wednesday

Day 78

We’re supposed to be getting somewhere between three and five new women by the end of the week. Fun. Mr. Big still hasn’t approved my press release, and this fucking group starts in 10 days. I’ve decided to start reading, “Heaven is for Real.” It’s a description is, “A Little Boy’s Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back.” Hm. 

Quote from Jesus of Nazareth at the beginning: “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of Heaven.”

5pm

I think it’s so funny that Tori has this sign  on her door that says, “REMAIN CLAM” in big block letters. The reason for this is that the word “Calm” is misspelled on the escape plans that are screwed in to our walls. Super funny.

Watching Grey’s Anatomy with the bitches. Got two new ones today–one oldie, actually, like me–returned, and a newbie, Squish and Tex. Tex is pretty rough and tough. Pretty citi-fied, I guess. At a meeting now–Tex took her shoes off and ooched and ouched the entire walk here. She’s funny. She said she sat on her ass the whole time that she was in jail, and so the walk ( ¼ mile) here was a workout for her. It was funny, she was like, “I have backsweat for real.”  “I have boob and kneecap sweat now!” a couple minutes later.

Grief Book–Harriet S. Schiff

“The fear of the unknown is behind us…because we have already taken a long look at hell.” 

September 23rd, 2017

Saturday

Day 81

8pm

Galeton meeting. 

“Humility isn’t thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.” 

–C.S. Lewis

Tori is having a bad day. She got talked to about not showering enough apparently. I complained about my grief group not getting off the ground.

Acceptance prayer:

“Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake.”

September 25th, 2017

Monday

Day 83

8:30am

I got to visit with all three kids yesterday. Tiger made me a bracelet and they played with the cushions and made forts and jumped around until Superman bumped his head. They’re at the ages where I’m a little bit (selfishly) grateful when they get minor injuries because then I get to hold them for a couple of minutes without them squirming away. I’m missing so much. My Dad gave me pictures of the boys’ first day of school and Tiger’s school picture. First one I’ve gotten. First pictures I’ve gotten in over a year from them.

I’m off to therapy–riding with Mr. Silent. He’s the twin who never speaks. That’s okay. I don’t feel like talking either. I’m sad today. I finished the book, “Heaven Is For Real.” It’s pretty good. Short read. It’s about a little boy who has to have emergency surgery for appendicitis and takes a trip to Heaven while he’s under anesthesia. Interesting. He describes the angels singing to him and Jesus’ face–turns out he has blue/green eyes and not brown, like I thought.

11am

Therapizing over. Maybe I can get this guy to talk. Let’s see. 

No go. 

Remember high school dances? Why don’t we do that anymore? Like, as adults? People love zumba classes and stuff–why don’t people just get together and dance? I need to know. 

Grief book:

“Depression is thought to be related to feelings of psychological helplessness.”

September 26th, 2017

Tuesday

Day 84

Grief book:

“Life is forever a wiser, more knowing life.”

“Having landed on their feet after being thrown to the ground gives parents a sense of power. They see in the mirror a person who is a survivor.”

“Reasoning that no one or nothing in this world could hurt them more than they have already been hurt, numerous parents say they have become more willing to try things they have previously been afraid to do.”

8pm

What a day! This is my second trip to Coudersport today, the first was for shopping for groceries for the Center and this trip is for a meeting. This one guy is celebrating 40 years of sobriety tonight! 

–”AA didn’t only help me quit drinking, it helped me deal with life.”

“I’ve learned that today, picking up [a drink] would be like picking up a gun and holding it to my head.”

Experience. Strength. Hope.

Chantilly voluntarily signed over her parental rights to her two children yesterday so they can get adopted out. She’s having a really hard time with it. It’s basically been a two-year long streetfight in court for her. Poor girl.

Not that I think she was a fantastic mother or anything. Tonight when I was on the phone with the boys (Dubya didn’t answer so I could talk to Tiger), Superman was running around with the phone, and he yelled, “Mommy, are you bumpin’?!” It was really funny. Like I was inside the phone. I can’t believe I have another seven months of this. The pain of missing my kids is so great that sometimes I fear it will rip me in half. 

September 27th, 2017

Wednesday

Day 85

So…funny thing happened to me today…I went to the dentist and got two teeth pulled and afterward I was sitting outside waiting for my ride when this lady asked me what I was there for. I told her I had just had two teeth pulled and then she asked me if she could pray for me. I don’t mind people praying for me, so I said okay. She put her hand on my shoulder and said a long prayer asking God to take away my pain. Then she gave me twenty dollars!

SO weird.
Even weirder is that I’ve barely had ANY pain from these teeth. I’m a little sore, but that’s it.

Huh!

September 29th, 2017

Friday

Day 87

So I went to therapy at Crossroads–they just asked me a bunch of questions. Let’s see what my grief book has to say to me today: 

“The first year has to be what hell is like.”

–Min

6pm Group

She Recovers:

  1. When she is encouraged to choose her own recovery path.
  2. When she creates a vision for how she wants her life to be.
  3. When she takes small and steady steps towards her vision.
  4. When she makes peace with her past.
  5. When she finally understands that self-care is the secret to her recovery.

I got hair dye with the money that the praying dentist lady gave me. Self care. Tonight is a hard night here. Crash’s son got hit too hard at the football game (that all three of my kids were at), and had to be carried off the field because he had no feeling in his arms or legs. I prayed and prayed for him and all of his family.

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Sexist Pigs and God Shit

Women’s Center

Day 76

September 18th, 2017

Monday

Welp, this grief group project is going pretty much how I thought it would–with a lot of non-answeres and frustration from Mr. Big. He’s very easily distracted and doesn’t seem to have the ability to prioritize well when it comes to matters of importance. 

For instance, I was trying to talk him into letting me send out my press releases today, and he got distracted by one of the younger residents who was bopping around and telling jokes about how she was wearing flip flops with socks

Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike………….really?

Try to keep up, dude. 

This is important to me. 

Bla. Anyway, I talked to my therapist about the group and she thinks it’s a good idea and gave me some suggestions.

My mind has seemed so scrambled lately. I miss my kids so much. Old Toothless passed out at lunchtime and had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital.

She looked terrible. Seemed like a respiratory issue to me. Her oxygen saturation was 93%.

Scary.

The staff handled it well, and called 911 right away. She kept saying her head hurt and she was so tired, poor woman. I hope she’s okay. Maybe she needs to be on oxygen.

Tomorrow I go for an intake interview for intensive outpatient rehab and Wednesday I have a dentist appointment. I am NOT looking forward to that. The last two people that had teeth pulled, the Center wouldn’t fill their pain medication.

WTF.

I do NOT want to have teeth pulled with no pain meds.

Meanwhile, here are some quotes about pain, fittingly:

“When you break through the bottom of sorrow, light floods out.”

“The chief characteristics of those who have passed through great sadness are a gentle gaze upon others and a willingness to wait patiently for others’ growth.”

“Pain tempers the soul and develops generosity.”

“Humility and compassion are borne of sorrow.”

Enough of that.

Okay, so over the weekend we were playing this funny game for group called who, what, when, where, why. Here’s how you play–these words are written on a piece of paper and handed out to everyone, and everyone fills out the who, then folds it over and passes it, and then everyone fills out the what, and folds it over and passes it, etc.

Here’s the one that’s about me:

Who: Jess

What: sharted on Daisy’s chest

When: At Old Toothless’s house

Where: In the Boiler Room

Why: Because Jess’s lupus got cured by the Women’s Center’s water

Hahahaha funny. Mr. Big is always telling me to drink water for anything I complain of, so that’s where that came from.

5pm

Dinner time

8pm

Meeting

I guess they’re keeping Old Toothless at the hospital. Of course they don’t know what’s wrong with her, but went to discharge her anyway, and then she fainted again. I hate that hospital. I should have sued them when I had the chance.

“Progress, not perfection.”

“Don’t leave before the miracle happens.”

“It’s easier to stay sober than to get sober.”

“Recovery is not just about not drinking[/using].”

Sometimes the women in the Center drive me crazy! This poor guy here that says his R’s like W’s is telling a beautiful story to the best of his ability about how he found serenity in nature the other night sleeping out under the stars, and all these girls (yes, girls) can do is titter relentlessly about his speech impediment. 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHH!!

Funny aside:

Lou: “Do you hear voices in your head?”

Rena: “Just the normal ones everybody hears.”

Day 77

September 19th, 2017

Tuesday


Off to Wellsboro for a Crossroads intake. Fun fun. It’s intensive outpatient therapy, so that maybe I won’t have to go to inpatient rehab. My hands are killing me today, it hurts to write. The weather is so humid it’s still foggy and it’s 8 o’clock. 

When I get back I’ll have to see if the Big Boss texted Mr. Big about my press releases. I don’t know this driver’s name. He’s not a talker. Hasn’t said a word. When I walked out he was talking to another driver and the other driver looked at me and exclaimed, “You got a good one! Stay out of trouble!” Gross. Sexist pig. I wonder how Paul Bunyon is doing. I haven’t heard from him. Writing hurts. I think I’ll take a nap.

10am

Okay, well that’s done. Lot’s of paperwork and tons of signatures. Geez, this guy really likes the brakes. Let’s see what my Bible says for today. 

What Would Jesus Do? 

Thinking with the Mind of Christ

“Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God…For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord…

“We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man’s gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully…”

“Every member of the Body has the potential to be–and should be led and fed toward functioning as–a fully equipped agent of Jesus Christ.”

–Jack Hayford

Grief book

“We have seen how the death of a child is an expulsion from the land of innocence.”

“One of the vital tasks of grief-work is to come to a point where life again takes on meaning. Parents who fail to find meaningful outlets remain stuck. Parents who seek and find meaningful pursuits heal themselves more quickly.”

“Coming to feel worthwhile again is one essential ingredient in healing.”

“Today I know that you can’t save anybody. But I know through the work that I do that sometimes you can help somebody to save themselves.”

–Jill–daughter committed suicide, now an alcoholism counselor

“Repeatedly, bereaved parents spoke of a newly acquired value for empathy with the anguish of others.”

“Not only do these parents say that their focus on “things” diminishes, but they find that materialism and superficiality in others becomes annoying.”

“Bereaved parents acquire a wisdom and maturity prematurely.”

“They didn’t want to get stronger, there is simply no choice; black or white, live through this or die.”

“Steel has to go through fire to get its strength.”

John 1:23 He said, “I am ‘the voice of one crying out in the wilderness, Make straight the way of the Lord,’ as the prophet Isaiah said.”

6pm

In-house AA meeting:

When ready, we say something like this, “My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding.”

Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us.

Ha!

The birthday of AA is my birthday: 6/10/1935

I hate this group. It’s so boring. This woman acts like taking care of her wounded horse once a day is the freakin’ hardest thing she has ever done in her life, and I’m supposed to derive peace and strength and serenity from HER? 

WhatEVER.

Then she lets the women gossip and bitch about the Center for the last 20 minutes of the meeting. It drives me crazy. I am bored out of my skull. I can’t wait to get on the computer to send out my press releases.