Tag: God

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Muncy State Prison, Lucifer, and God

MUNCY STATE PRISON

December 30th, 2018

Drama, drama, drama–on the way to breakfast someone took somebody else’s cigarette, and of all the bad luck, I got seated with the slighted person, who was throwing a fit for the entire breakfast. Her friend was trying to calm her down, but she was all yelling and threatening to beat people up–how dumb. Her friend pointed out that she would only get kicked out of SIP if she did, but it didn’t help. I wanted to say if that’s the worst thing that happens to her today, she’s doing pretty good, but I didn’t want to get punched in the face. NA is pretty soon, which I am looking forward to. “The Word Among Us” is about taking care of our parents when they are old.

Hm.

I sincerely doubt that my parents are going to want ME taking care of them, but I don’t think my siblings would ever do it.

I guess we’ll see.

“Beside th Still Waters” likens humans to a clock that God winds up. “Productivity in Christ’s kingdom will be higher if we spend less time on repairs and more time on maintaining our connection to the Source of Life.” –Mike Weirich –Halsey, OR

I guess I’ll read “Lucifer Exposed” by Derek Prince.

“If we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin. (1 John 1:7)

“For the message of the Cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.” – 1 Corinthians 1:18

This book says that drugs are a form of sorcery.

Hm.

“For our citizenship is in heaven, from which we eagerly wait for the Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ.” (Phil. 3:20)

“For sin shall not have dominion over you, for you are not under law but under grace.” (Romans 6:14)

11/01/2026 7:36pm (When I am transcribing this into Google Docs) I asked God out loud– “Am I even supposed to be doing this?” and got this answer: Angel number 320 is a spiritual message of harmony, faith, creative self-expression, and divine guidance.

Core Breakdown by Digit

• Number 3: Resonates with creativity, communication, joy, growth, and the presence of the Ascended Masters.

• Number 2: Brings energies of balance, trust, cooperation, service, and your life’s soul mission.

• Number 0: Amplifies spiritual development, infinity, universal energy, and the “God force”.

Key Meanings and Interpretations

• Trust and Divine Timing: According to numerology breakdowns on platforms like Sacred Scribes Angel Numbers, 320 appears when you need to maintain faith and trust that your life is moving in the right direction, even during periods of confusion.

• Creative Expression: The number encourages you to express your thoughts and feelings openly through art, writing, or communication, helping you feel free and inspired.

Moving on:

“Owe no one anything except to love one another for he who loves another has fulfilled the Law.” (Romans 13:8 – 10)

“I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.”  (Galatians 2:20)

I guess there’s no NA today, they never called it.

Darn.

“The great dragon…that serpent of old…the Devil and Satan, who deceives the whole world. (Rev. 12:9)

“So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised. For in just a very little while, ‘He who is coming will come, and will not delay. But my righteous one will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him.’ But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved.” (Hebrews 10:35 – 39 NIV)

Last sentences of the book:

Will you commit yourself to do what Jesus said? Deny yourself. Take up your cross. Follow Him!”

Onto “Imaginations: More Than You Think,” by James P. Gills M.D.

The three “foundational principles” of this book are:

[1.] “We are what we think; therefore, our thoughts determine our actions.”

[2.] “Our present thoughts affect how we will spend eternity. When our thoughts are faithfully focused on God, we will be rewarded with an eternal mind-set in this life. We will have a glimpse of the blessings of eternity now, and will be richly rewarded, as well, when we experience His presence in heaven.”

[3.] “God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him. Our greatest joy is surrendering our thoughts and our lives to God.”

“Be careful what you think because your thoughts run your life.” –Proverbs 4:23, NCV

“Albert Einstein said, ‘Imagination is more important than knowledge.’”

Hm.

That’s a little heavy for me right now.

I think I’ll check out “Care of the Soul” by Thomas Moore.

“‘Soul’ is not a thing, but a quality or dimension of experiencing life and ourselves. It has to do with depth, value, relatedness, heart, and personal substance.”

This is interesting, and seems to fly in the face of modern medicine: “What the great sixteenth-century physician, Paracelsus, said about healing applies to care of the soul: ‘The physician is only the servant of nature, not her master. Therefore, it behooves medicine to follow the will of nature.’”

Interesting.

“Storytelling is an excellent way of caring for the soul. It helps us see the themes that circle in our lives, the deep themes that th=ell the myths we live.”

“The ultimate cure, as many ancient and modern psychologies of depth have asserted, comes from love and not from logic.”
The sun is shining brightly today, and it’s very pretty. Ellen has been in bed all day. We were supposed to go to Yard and walk the track for an hour today, but she wouldn’t get out of bed.

There is currently a hot debate outside my cell about the difference between the phrases, “Ima beat her ass,” and “Ima smack a bitch.”

There’s a lot of hostility in here today.

*sigh*

I wish this part of my life was over. I’m fed up with it. Of course, I have more than a month left of living here. I need a shower. I thought I would be able to take one after breakfast, but the CO wouldn’t let me. I’m gross and sick of myself today.

Back to my book.

“…there is evil in the world and in the human heart. If we don’t recognize this, we have a naive attitude that can get us into trouble.”

“The Greeks told the story of the minotaur, the bull-headed flesh-eating man who lived at the center of the labyrinth. He was a threatening beast, and yet his name was Asterion–Star. I often think of this paradox as I sit with someone with tears in her eyes, searching for some way to deal with a death, a divorce, or a depression. It is a beast, this thing that stirs in the core of her being, but it is also the star of her innermost nature. We have to care for this suffering with extreme reverence so that, in our fear and anger at the beast, we do not overlook the star.”

Wow.

I like that.

This is interesting.

“If we were to observe the soul in the family by honoring its stories and by not running away from its shadow, then we might not feel so inescapably determined by family influences.

When I was growing up, I swore I would never be anything like my Mother, because she always made me feel like an outcast, an unwanted nuisance.

Now, all three of my children are being raised by others, and, to my horror, one of those people is the very mother who always (and still does) rejected me.

Oh, the guilt.

Ellen is up, and singing at the top of her lungs, which renders reading almost impossible.

Almost dinnertime.

I guess I’ll write my kids’ letters a day early.

There–I wrote them that I loved them and that I hope they had a wonderful Christmas and birthday (Tiger). I also told Tiger that some of the best memories of my life are making cakes with her and telling stories with her before bedtime about unicorns and other animals getting through the woods to go home.

I didn’t really have much else today, other than I wanted them to write me and tell me what they got.

*sigh*

Now the conversation in the hallway is about whether Black or White adolescents have oral sex first, age-wise.

Yuck.

I don’t want to think about it, personally.

After dinner–on the way back from dinner a CO saw a transaction between a brown and a blue–trading coffee for tobacco–and flipped out and called us all a bunch of names–dumb and stupid, mostly.

Then, half the line got searched, myself included.

Fun times.

Back to my book, “Care of the Soul.”

This book is very abstract. I’m finding myself skimming paragraphs and not really absorbing them, so it’s time to read something else.

How about, “Moments with the Saviour: A Devotional Like (?) of Christ” by Ken Gine

Let us see what this has to offer.

Ellen is singing and dancing to “Superfreak.”

“…God’s purposes are not thwarted by our humanity, however weak and wayward it may be. That he works in us and through us, and more often than not, in spite of us. That he works with us, as a gardener works with his garden.:

Oh my.

Ellen just found a big hairball in her pants.

Funny.

Bed.

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Life Uncategorized

Satan, Sleep-Walking, and Some Nipple Hair

MUNCY STATE PRISON

December 28th, 2018

Friday

Tiger’s birthday today. I wonder if I would be able to spend it with her if I was out. 

Probably not.

It’s rainy today and I am sore–even my back hurts. Just took Ibuprofen. 

“The Word Among Us” says to ask Jesus if there are unacknowledged fears in our life, and then work on them.

My biggest fear is to never have the opportunity again to mother my own children, but I acknowledge that pretty readily. My other fears are pretty basic–that I’m not good enough, that I’m a failure, etc.

I dreamed last night, in a dream that seemed to last forever, that I was shooting up and getting high in secret again–that’s another big fear–relapse.

“Beside the Still Waters” says, “Let’s open every part of our lives to the true light of Jesus. God gives great peace to those who faithfully walk in His light.”

–Joshua Gingerich

McConnelsville, OH

Back to Coach’s Bible Study–Ellen mailed his letter for me today, so wi’ll see how that goes.

2. Ezekiel 37:1-14– “The Valley of Dry Bones” – Ezekiel is in exile, and the LORD set him in a valley of dry bones. He did what the LORD told him to do, and prophesied over the bones, and they became the army of Israel.

Personal → We are called to live, not exist–not wait until I get out, die, etc.

Acronym – LIVE

L – Laugh → Children 400 times per day, adults 15

→ Mt. 18:3 – Change and become like children

→ Proverbs 17:22 – “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

I – Important –Prioritize – Now what?

→ Mt. 6:33 – “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. [food, drink, clothes]

–Luke 10:38-42– Martha and Mary “Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted by much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her to help me.” But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.”

V – Vision → Proverbs 29:18 – “Where there is no vision, the people perish.”

→ GPS – Recalculating

E – Exercise – Physical, mental, spiritual

–James 2:14 – 19 – Faith Without Works Is Dead

“What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead. But someone will say, ‘You have faith and I have works.’ Show me your faith apart from your works, and I will show you my faith by my works. You believe that God is one; you do well. Even the demons believe–and shudder!”

3. Bands – “Live”

–Hebrews 10 – Christ’s Sacrifice Once for All “I will remember their sins and their lawless deeds no more.”

The End

Coach wrote – “God Bless you Jess!”

What a guy.

On to “Autobiography of a Face” by Lucy Grealy

“When I tried to imagine being beautiful, I could only imagine living without the perpetual fear of being alone, without the great burden of isolation, which is what feeling ugly felt like.”

She hit that nail on the head. I remember feeling ugly as an adolescent because of terrible acne–it was almost as bad as grief. 

After Lucy goes to college and falls in love with poetry, she writes, “Now I knew that joy was a kind of fearlessness, a letting go of expectations that the world should be anything other than what it was.”

Profound.

It’s no wonder she’s a brilliant writer, with all of the insights she developed from having to endure adolescence with a deformed face, not to mention cancer and chemotherapy. About the way she dressed in college, she writes, “In my carefully orchestrated shabbiness, I was hoping to beat the world to the finish line by showing that I already knew I was ugly. Still, all the while, I was secretly hoping that in the process some potential lover might accidentally notice I was wearing my private but beautiful heart on my stained and fraying sleeve.”

I finished the book–it was very good! 

Of course, after 30-odd surgeries to reconstruct this woman’s jaw, at the end of it she looks near-normal (I didn’t notice her slight deformity until I studied her picture), but still has an identity crisis because she can’t equate the person in the mirror with her own sense of self.

Very interesting. 

This reminds me, in some small way, of how much I hated my own face growing up, and even endured criticism from my own mother on what it looked like. By the time I got to college, I wore heave makeup at all times, and only stopped a couple of years ago. How ironic that my acne has returned at a time in my life thatI struggle immensely with self-hatred, as if the loathsome feelings about myself were the cause of the acne, and not the other way around!
Hm.

I guess I’ll never know.

I was, in fact, very beautiful in college, but even the boyfriends I shared my bed with never saw me without my mask on, and I would never allow them to touch my face.

Oh, the scars we bear from our feelings of isolation and not belonging.

What next?

Maybe I’ll finish “Abba’s Child,” by Brennan Manning. 

Oh, how fitting! On the page where I left off, it says, “Wounds are necessary. The soul has to be wounded as well as the body. To think that the natural and proper state is to be without wounds is an illusion. This who wear bullet-proof vests protecting themselves from failure, shipwreck, and heartbreak will never know what love is. The unwounded life bears no resemblance to the Rabbi.”

–Thomas Moore, “The Care of the Soul.”

When the author went to a priest and told him he grieved his time squandered while binge-drinking, the priest replied, “Rejoice and be glad. You will have a heart of compassion for those who walk that lonely road. God will use your brokenness to bless many people.”

That’s what Coach says about my life.

Thomas Moore also said, “Our depressions, jealousies, narcissism, and failures are not at odds with the spiritual life. Indeed, they are essential to it.”

The author continues, “Self-acceptance becomes possible only through the radical trust in Jesus’ acceptance of me as I am.”

Mail–

My sponsor had my whole AA group sign a Christmas card for me! How nice. I’d better write her.

After dinner–

I wrote my sponsor and just basically said thank you for thinking of me, I got accepted into SIP, and Merry Christmas.

I also told her I was reading and writing a lot, and am doing better emotionally than I was before.

Back to “Abba’s Child:”

“As our hearts beat in rhythm with the Rabbi’s heart, we come to experience a graciousness, a kindness, a compassionate caring that surpasses our understanding.”

“He says, ‘I give you a new commandment; it is My commandment; it is all I command you: Love one another as I have loved you.’ Only compassion and forgiveness count. Love is the key to everything. Living and loving are one.”

“The success or failure of a given day is measured by the quality of our interest and compassion toward those around us.”

Here’s the last paragraph of the book:

“Wise men and women have long held that happiness lies in being yourself without inhibitions. Let the Great Rabbi hold you silently against his heart. In hearing who He is, you will find out who you are: Abba’s child in Christ our Lord.”

Wow.

What a great book.

Next I’m reading, “Bringing Heaven Into Hell,” which is about praising God for all things, good and bad, that happen to us. (By Merlin R. Carothers)

“Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days. Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us, and for as many years as we have seen evil.”  –Psalm 90:14-15

“The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in Him and I am helped: therefore my heart will greatly rejoiceth; and with my song I will praise Him.” (Ps. 28:7 KJV)

“And he said to him, ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the greatest and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.’” –Matthew 22:37-40

“We have no particular reason to feel grateful to our sensual nature, or to live life on the level of the instincts. Indeed that way of living leads to certain spiritual death. But if on the other hand, you cut the nerve of your instinctive actions by obeying the Spirit, you are on the way to real living. (Rom. 8:12-13 Phillips)

December 29th, 2018

Almost a whole new month. “The Word Among Us” says, “On every page of the Gospels, [Jesus] has shown us that love is about making concrete decisions to put other people’s interests before our own.”

“Whoever loves his brother remains in the light.” (1 John 2:10)

This entry challenges us to imagine a person we find difficult to love with Jesus’ arm around them.”

I find it difficult to love my parents.

“Beside the Still Waters” is a story about cleaning up a piece of land and making it like the Garden of Eden.

“God is taking barren, empty lives and making them productive. The rubbish needs to be carted out, but God will receive any person who has a willing and surrendered heart, and will make a beautiful and fruitful life.”  –Leon Horning–Fanling H. T., Hong Kong

Time for cell cleaning.

Alaina does this, which makes me feel mildly guilty, but there literally isn’t room for both of us to clean at the same time. Plus I don’t see the point of cleaning a cement box–it never actually gets clean.

Somebody is singing “Total Eclipse of the Heart.”

Funny.

Onto “Ice, Ice, Baby.”

Even funnier.

I heard Lauren Daigle’s “You Say” this morning, and it made me happy.

Later–

I tried to sleep, but Ellen is “singing,” or what passes for singing for her.

Be nice, Justine.

I dreamed briefly of Mr. Big, which made me all the sadder when I woke up here again.

I guess I’m in a mood.

I miss him.

Of course he’s whispering sweet nothings to me in the dream about all of his wonderful feelings about me, and then Ellen cuts in with, “How do you talk to an angelllllllll, it’s like trying to catch a falling starrrrrrrr!!”

Not funny, God.

Not funny at all. 😡

I guess I’ll read “Unmask the Predators” by Lisa Cherry and Kalyn Cherry Walker.

“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.” (Matthew 7:13)

Wow, this book says that that 65% of polled Christian adults think Satan is not real.

Wow.

That surprises me.

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.” (Romans 8:1-2)

“God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” (2 Timothy 1:7)

“He, who loved you unto death, is speaking to you,” wrote Amy Carmichael, a well-known missionary to India for fifty-five years. ‘Listen, do not be deaf and blind to Him. And as you keep quiet and listen, you will know, deep down in your heart…’”

“There is a deep reluctance to begin the process of change by admitting that damage has occurred…all inappropriate sexual contact is damaging and soul-distorting. Seventy-three percent of the least severely abused victims report some damage, and 39 percent report considerable to extreme trauma as a result of past abuse…Verbal abuse is a powerful and deep wound. Sexually abusive words produce the same damage as sexually abusive contact. Yet the potential for minimization or feeling weird for being damaged makes the potential for change even more difficult for those more subtly abused than for those more severely abused.”  –Dr. Dan B. Allender, author of “The Wounded Hearts.”

“Love never fails.” –1 Cor. 13:8

“Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.” (Romans 8:26-28)

“…If God is for us, who can be against us?”   (Romans 8:31)

“For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all Creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:38-39)

After dinner–

I got “pulled over” for nothing again on my way back from dinner. That’s when a CO randomly picks you out from the line for no reason and gives you a hard time, making you produce ID and shit.

Fun times.

At dinner I met a woman named Emily, and we were talking about our kids. She was an English teacher before she got arrested, and she doesn’t know if she’ll be allowed to go back to that after this. I told her I used to be a teacher at the Vet Tech Institute, and she said, “Oh, isn’t that funny, I work at a tech school too!”

Funny how that happens so often to me–that I have things in common with strangers. I guess she’s not a stranger any more! She said she loved every age with her kids, and I said I did too.

I miss my kids so much!

I’ll write them on Monday.

I wonder if my mother will do the necessary paperwork to visit.

Dubya never filled his out.

Shocker.

Ellen is all wound up. I am waiting for Common Room so I can see if I have any money on my books. I sincerely doubt it, but we’ll see.

Ellen is imitating cats yowling for some reason–it’s fairly annoying.

She says she misses CO Emmett– I do NOT.

She had like half a bag of coffee today–I predict I’m not going to get much sleep tonight. 

I wish my skin didn’t look so bad–I’m getting very, very sick of it. I’ve tried four different kinds of soap so far–I’m onto Dial now. What 37 year old has this terrible acne?!

Me.

That’s who.

I’m blaming it on the pollution from the cow farm. Maybe it’s stress. Who knows?

After Common Room:

Ellen is freaking out over a book I got–screaming and shit. It’s called “Lucifer Exposed: The Devil’s Plan to Destroy Your Life.” She’s having a FIT–yelling that I’m going to somehow invite the Devil into my life. So the truth comes out–she DOES believe. It’s by Derek Prince.

I dare say the Devil has been in my life for some time already, and hers too, and that’s why we ended up in prison, so why not learn how to get him out?

This book says that pride is the worst sin, and what affected Lucifer.

“The archangel Lucifer was so beautiful he became proud. The transition from archangel Lucifer to Satan was made complete through his pride.”

“Since the children have flesh and blood, he (Jesus) too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might destroy him who holds the power of death–that is, the devil–and freed those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death.”  (Hebrews 2:14-15 NIV)

“The more God encounters pride, the more He Himself displays humility.”

“He himself (Jesus) bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed.” (1 Peter 2:24 NIV)

“For Christ died for sins once and for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God.” (1 Peter 3:18 NIV)

“Whoever humbles himself will be exalted. Whoever exalts himself will be humbled.” (See Luke 14:11)

“Anyone who is in rebellion against God is automatically under the authority of Satan. He is in the ‘domain of darkness.’”

“We have only two options: we can either be in Satan’s territory or in God’s territory. There is no third option.”

“The devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.”  (1 Peter 5:8)

“Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.”  (Ephesians 6:13)

“We are citizens of the kingdom of God; therefore, we are at war with Satan.”

This book has a picture on the front of an apple with a bite out of it, and Ellen saw it, unfortunately, while she was eating an apple. She shrieked, “Now I don’t even want to eat this!” and told the neighbors that I am inviting the devil into my life.

They told her not to worry, because I like God.

Nice.

Then she farted and told me it would put hair on my chest. I told her she’s growing enough for both of us. The joke there is that she announced earlier that her nipple is growing a long black hair.

The things that come out of this woman’s mouth! 

She wants me to read the book she is finishing up that has murder, incest, and porn in it, so I told her I would if she reads my “Lucifer Exposed” book.

That gets me out of THAT one.

Haha–victory!

Back to my book.

It says that guilt is Satan’s most powerful weapon against humankind, and prejudice is one of the most powerful strongholds of Satan. (Prejudice = having your mind made up before you know the facts.)

“Stand therefore, having girded your waist with the truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit.” (Ephesians 6:14-18)

“Just as faith protects our heart, hope protects our mind against depression and discouragement.”

Isn’t that the truth.

I was without hope for a very long time after Ethan and Kaylee died. Hope of any kind of good future, hope that my life meant anything, any kind of hope, really. Even after I got remarried and had Tiger, I still thought in my heart that I didn’t deserve good things, and let my PTSD control my whole life, and then my addiction when I couldn’t take the nightmares, flashbacks, and panic attacks anymore. 

Pure survival mode, with no faith at all in a good, gracious, or loving God.

When I first wrote “Kidowed,” I wouldn’t even capitalize the “G” in “God” because I thought He didn’t deserve the respect it denoted! 

Like Jim Carrey’s character in “Bruce Almighty,” I thought that God was a mean guy with a magnifying glass, and I was the and He was focusing on. How the devil had me in his clutches! How very grateful I am now that I know the truth.

My life before was not a life worth living.

Now I am happy to be alive.

For over a decade I was spiritually dead inside.

Thank God that He stuck by me, even in my darkest hour, and kept INSISTING over and over and over again that He loved me.

Where would I be without Him?
Of course, I know where, I have been there–Hell on Earth.

“With the heart one believes.”  (Romans 10:10)

“Faith is the substance of things hoped for.” (Hebrews 11:1)

“So, on the basis of faith in the heart, we may have hope in the mind. And hope safeguards our minds.”

This book says that what drives Satan back is the Word of God spoken out of our mouths, and references Jesus saying three times, “It is written,” when Satan confronted Him in the wilderness. (Matthew 4:4-10, Luke 4:4-10)

“It is my experience that we have to make use of our four main ways to launch that seventh weapon: prayer, praise, preaching, and testimony.”

Bedtime.

Oh my.

Ellen has such bad gas that neither of us can sleep. She says that her blanket smells like a garbage can full of dirty diapers.

I agree.

She almost peed herself when the CO came by and surprised her with his flashlight and she farted. The urinary near-accident was a result of the endless mirth that followed. We’re trying to analyze what on Earth it is that makes her stink so bad–she says she’s never had this problem before. I think it’s the coffee (freeze-dried) with loads of artificial sweetener in it that she guzzles all day.

She says that last night I got up, grumbling and swearing under my breath, and shut the windows. 

I do not remember doing this.

I hope I’m not sleep-walking again. I used to do it during times of extreme stress in my life, but it was always correlated with drinking.

I’m obviously not drinking, so I hope that isn’t it–the thought of me unconsciously walking around creeps me out to no end.

Categories
Life Uncategorized

Letters from Coach, and God Stuff

MUNCY STATE PRISON

December 26th, 2018

Wednesday

Oh no.

Ellen is heartbroken.

She came back from Commissary and Tom the CO thought she was smuggling in something, so he told her to unbutton her jacket. She did, and he said, “Oh, it’s just your stomach.”

What!!!!

She almost cried, poor girl.

She’s reliving it over and over. Time for us to diet! Too bad I got donut sticks. After those, we’ll diet.

She says her pride got flushed down the toilet.

Later–I don’t feel good today–I slept a lot. I got Commissary–yay!

“The Word Among Us” is about the prophet Stephen. “So turn to the [Holy] Spirit in prayer today. Ask him to help you, as he helped Stephen, to ive the life of joy, peace, and conviction that Stephen lived.”

“Beside the Still Waters” says, “Grace, dear Lord, grace Dear Lord, to sweetly obey Thy will; May self be slain, Thy will remain, O help me Thy law Fulfill.” 

–Ross Minkler

The final thought of “God With Us” says, “…faith is not something you wait for like a letter in the mail. Rather, faith is something you step out on, like a bridge over a raging river.”

So, Ellen just heard this on the radio: This NASA engineer was tired of people stealing his Amazon packages, so he rigged fake packages with glitter and fart bombs.

Funny.

Now I’m reading, “Unmask the Predators: The Battle to Protect Your Child. It’s about a family whose daughter is victimized by somebody from their church, and a “story of triumph over tragedy.”

Hm.

Ellen and I are talking about how much we miss being touched. Even hugs and stuff. I’m terribly lonely. 

“In America today an estimated 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually abused by the age of 18.”

That is horrifying.

“The enemy pursues me, he crushes me to the ground; he makes me dwell in the darkness like those long dead.”

–Psalm 143:3

Bedtime–Ellen and I have been talking for an hour about our pasts, God, the devil, and our future plans. She wants to be a motivational speaker and a drug and alcohol counselor!

I think that’s awesome.

December 27th, 2018

Thursday

We got eight new people on H Unit today. Ellen’s bonding with the new one across the hall–she’s Southern. Tiger’s birthday is tomorrow.

“The Word Among Us” is about how Jesus loves us like he loved the disciple John.

“Beside the Still Waters” is about knowing when to talk and knowing when to keep silent.

“Would men know you’ve been with Jesus? Can they feel His presence near? As with them you joy and labor, As with them you journey here?”

–Ernest Sellers

I’m going to read, “Autobiography of a Face” by Lucy Grealy. It’s about a woman who overcame cancer at a young age, but then had to have half of her jaw removed, and her life afterward.

Later–

Coach wrote me!!

Justine!!!

What a great gift you gave me for Christmas! I’m sorry I’m writing to you in prison, but I’m so blessed to hear from you and I know you are doing okay. You have been on a crazy road!

I remember finding you on Youtube–I think it was from Canada and hearing and feeling your words and your pain. I have not read Kidowed yet. I gave away my Kindle and haven’t gotten another yet. I was hoping to get a hard copy of it–and have you sign it! It sounds like I may have more opportunities for that. I love the title, “Putting the Shovel Down,” and I can’t wait to read it. You have a heartbreaking story, but an amazing gift. When you put them together, and put GOD first, you have a story that can change lives–you have a story that inspires–you have a story that shows Romans 8:28 in action– “And we know that in all things GOD works for the good for those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”

I also love the 50:20 rule. It refers to Genesis 50 verse 20. A long time ago, when Joseph was young, his brothers were going to kill him, but sold him to Egyptians. Through many twists and turns, Joseph ended up being the second man in Egypt. Time passed but he ended up being face to face with his brothers, and in Genesis 50:20 Joseph said, “You intended to harm me, but GOD intended it for good to accomplish what is being done, and the saving of many lives.”

Doesn’t that sound like you?

The enemy intended to harm you–to destroy you, but GOD is going to use all of it to save others. 

Perhaps I should get wristbands that say 50:20 Rule, what do you think?

Are you okay now?

Do you have support–friends, family, money?

What can I do to help you through this?

Please ask and I’ll help if I can. We’re in this life together–plus, you’re amazing!

I’m not sure if you’ve run into any girls from Blair County Prison, but they may know me. Natalie comes to mind. Actually, she referred a girl to me from Potter County who wants to get out and help people with this addiction problem. She indicated the lack of help in her area–Potter County–Austin, PA–isn’t that where you are from? Do I remember the town Coudersport coming from your mouth?

The girl’s name is June and I just wrote to her a couple days ago. I sent her some info on Potter County and places to help.

I think so many agencies give good lip service to help, but I think it’s up to all of us to make a difference.

In talking about defeating the enemy, Revelation 12:11 says, “They overcame him (the enemy) by the blood of the Lamb (Jesus) and by the word of their testimony.

Our testimony is our story and we can all use our overcoming stories to defeat the evil in this world.

Do you notice I still talk too much?

All is well with me. Tess and I go to Cove [Forge] with women on Monday and I go on Wednesday with guys. I go to prison and Adephoi Village and wherever else the LORD leads. I don’t know whether I help or make a difference. I just want to get people to the LORD–He’s the one who can change hearts.

All I know is that I am so blessed to meet so many amazing people–like you!

I included a copy of my Bible Study notes from last week. Read through them and the Scriptures–see if you can figure it out!

I also hope you can read my writing!

A special thanks to Paul, who messaged me. Feel free to write or call anytime.

I’ve got to go for now. I talk a couple places tomorrow and need to get my head together.

Listen, you are a great blessing! I am so happy to hear from you. Again, let me know if I can help. I’ll walk with you as long as you want me to.

I’m sorry you’re in jail for Christmas, but Merry Christmas anyhow! It’s a time for new hope. Do you know that a new beginning always starts with a dead end?

Justine–believe!

We’re collecting socks for those in shelters so we put up a tree and decorated it with lights and socks.

Seems like the right thing.

I will be praying for you for sure.

God Bless your days!

LOVE ALWAYS!

Coach

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! New Beginnings!!!

My return letter:

12/27/18

Coach!

I have had an amazing day today–first you wrote me, and second–God put a woman in my life today that needed me and I helped her!

Her name is Laticia, and by God’s grace, we ended up sitting together at dinner tonight–she just got on H Unit, and is a couple cells down from me.

Her story is that she lost a baby in January of 2018 to pneumonia, and she is currently pregnant again. Her cellmate had told her to talk to me because she is having a very hard time with her grief, but she didn’t know who I was, and then we ended up sitting together out of 100 people in this Unit!

I was amazed.

We talked and talked, and we both cried and she felt better afterward. I told her about Kidowed and suggested that she journal her feelings.

Anyway, it turns out that she has no one to send her money, so I thought I would ask you–we have to pay for EVERYTHING here–even for basic necessities.

I even have to pay for my lupus meds.

Anyway, if you feel so inclined, can you help her with money? Her name is Laticia, and her number is #. If you want, you can send money to me too, but I have the basics right now.

Thank you!

Anyway, I am doing reasonably well, considering, and attending church and NA meetings regularly.

Thank you for including your Bible Study notes–I’ll be sure to do my homework!

I’ve read several spiritual books since I’ve been here, even Pope John Paul II’s book! I have a lot of time for reading, writing, meditation, and prayer.

I will probably be here until mid-February, then I get transferred to Quehanna and then rehab–I’m not sure where.

Then I have to do a halfway house, and then finally home.

The SIP program is 24 months long total.

Paul is working on sending Kidowed to publishers for me, so that it can be more widely distributed. Please say a prayer for me that somebody accepts it!

Thank you so much for your very uplifting letter–it made my day 🙂. 

I think 50:20 Rule wristbands are a great idea. 

I have some support–my mother and father have written and sent pictures of my kids, and Paul writes me. My ex-brother-in-law, Stryder, who called the police on me, has also written a couple times.

He said he was sorry, but I am having a hard time forgiving him.

It’s just so hard being away from my kids for so long for something so stupid.

Any advice?

My cellmate, Ellen, is smart and funny, and we get along great, thankfully.

I am from Coudersport, yes!

However, I do not know either of the women you were talking about.

I do know of several great meetings in Potter County, though–maybe I’ll look her up on FB when I get out.

And no, you don’t talk too much and yes (!!), you do make a difference!

You are a very moving speaker.

Thank you for watching my Youtube video–that was in 2012. 

I don’t have money for the phone, but I’ll certainly write you! It takes about two weeks for your letters to reach me, because they have to go through Florida first.

I loved your sock tree idea, and the picture you drew–it made me laugh.

And I hope you had a wonderful Christmas–mine was good–there was a very nice Catholic Mass here with singing and bells and a good sermon.

I do believe that this is my new beginning–I have resolved to let the old depressed, self-pitying me go and start anew with a better outlook on life.

Certainly, meeting Laticia today was a sign from God, an opportunity to help someone. I talked to her a little bit about God, but she said that she doesn’t believe, although she did talk about her baby being in Heaven.

That made me sad, and I didn’t really know what to say.

Do you have any advice?

I want to help her in any way that I can, and her grief is about to be compounded, because this new baby is due in April, and she will have to give him to her mother. She got into drugs when her previous son died, and that kept her from grieving, so now she doesn’t know what to do with her feelings.

I told her talking about it is the first step, even if it is upsetting and makes her cry–it’s necessary to move through grief.

I’m going to try to get her to go to church with me, and the NA meetings offered here.

Let me know what you think!

Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing me, and for your prayers.

God Bless you!

Love, 

Justine

Bible Study–Week of 12/10/18

Psalm 37:1-8

Of David

Fret not yourself because of evildoers;

Be not envious of wrongdoers!

For they will soon fade like the grass and wither like the green herb.

Trust in the LORD and do good;

Dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.

Delight yourself in the LORD,

And he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the LORD;

Trust in him, and he will act.

He will bring forth your righteousness as the light,

And your justice as the noonday.

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for Him;

Fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, 

Over the man who carries out evil devices!

Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath!

Fret not yourself, it tends only to evil.

For the evildoers shall be cut off,

But those who wait for the LORD shall inherit the land.”

See notes: 

Do not’s: fret, worry, be angry

→ Trust in the LORD–God can handle it.

→ Do good –life is about choices.

→ Delight yourself–quiet time every day

→ Be still–wait patiently–do all you can do to relax

→ Bombarded with noise–news, blogs, social media–go to the Bible

Categories
Life Uncategorized

Grief and God Stuff

WOMEN’S CENTER

May 22nd, 2018

Day 323

12:30am

“Perspective is a giver. Comparison takes. Perspective is generous. Comparison pares down the loveliness of your life until it appears a thin shred of its former glory. Perspective carries us through life laughing. Comparison evokes cursing and frowns and grumbling.”

“Being paralyzed with fear and sadness, being rendered useless because of bitterness, only marks a victory for the enemy of my soul.”

8am

Mr. Big is already annoying people and it’s only 8am. He just told Sugar Momma, who is a bit overweight, that she could only have one serving of food per meal. 

That went over well.

Judgy much, Mr. Big?

Off to grocery shopping. Back to my book:

“If I believe Jesus is Bread of Life, the Beginning and the End, if I believe Jesus adorned himself in humanity, lived a humble life, and was scorned, tortured, and crucified to make atonement for me, will I not love him with all I’ve got?”

“Bloom Where You’re Planted.”

“Shall I not honor God and enjoy all of his gifts even if some are only given for a short while?”

11am

“The Bible defines faith as the ‘confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see’ (Heb. 11.2).”

“Faith is the love not we give to God.”

“I have come to the conclusion that it does not glorify God to wallow in despondency like a pig in mud.”

“How does one go through the motions of life when death has swept through your world? It was like trying to speak, but emitting barely a squeak; trying to walk, but wading through quicksand; trying to breathe, but choking on life.”

“Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?” (Job 2:10)

“It was time to walk in everything God had destined for us, and to do it with guts.”

“And because Satan the accuser is defeated by the blood of the Lamb and the work of our testimonies (Rev. 122:11), I will offer mine.”

What she says about the night that her daughter died:

“In our bedroom in the deep of the night we held her reed-thin body, never wanting to let go. We pulled out all the horrid tubes and wrapped her in her favorite soft blanket. We covered her little bald head and wept and kissed her face over and over. Then, as we fell to our knees and worshipped God–who had given her to us and to whom she had gone–we felt the presence of angels and knew we were not alone.

I never want to do that again.”

That is profound.

I know the feeling, though–about the angels. When Ethan died, I remember leaving my apartment and walking around the block, thanking God that Ethan was not suffering any more, and there was an unseasonable warmth to the early April day, and I was so compelled to leave the House of Death that I hadn’t even bothered to put on shoes. Somehow, I knew that my family wouldn’t understand my gratitude to God, and that the oppressive weight of grief would consume me when I went back to the house, and so I stayed gone as long as I felt that I could.

2pm

Now I’m watching a video Big suggested aby a named Nicholas Vujicic who has no arms or legs. He tried to commit suicide at age 10 because he was bullied in school.

“When you don’t get a miracle, you can still BE a miracle.”

This guy talks about when God sees him when he gets to Heaven and asks him who he brings with him, how many souls.

Pretty inspiring.

Now we have to go to Parenting class. We’re talking about temperament today–how people respond to an experience. We are born with a temperament, but it is also affected by environment.

7:30pm

Oh, I had a GREAT evening! I got to plant tomatoes and peppers while 2dinner was being prepared, and I taught Tori about intestinal parasites because she wants to learn how to be a Vet Tech (which made me feel awesome–I love teaching!), and then Kat let us pick lilacs from across the street to put in our rooms! 

It was fantastic.

Now, instead of a meeting we get to watch more of Nick Vujicic speaking. I thought it would be awful to stay here all day, but it wasn’t!

Huh.

Oh oh–Jo won’t get out of bed. I tried and tried and tried to talk to her, but it was Grammy who finally got her to come out. 

Now Nick Vujicic speaking to a prison:

“God loves you, and yes, He has a plan…

There is hope beyond what you see…GOD DOES MIRACLES…everything I’m telling you is true…[we] are citizens of Heaven passing through…we are meant to be eternal creatures…your soul needs restoring, peace, and rest…to believe in something that you can’t see is crazy…it’s called faith…the truth will set you free…beautiful things can come from your broken pieces, when you give your broken pieces a chance…I have joy, I have truth, and I am free…I know what you need–truth, hope…you have an enemy…his name is Satan…he made you do what you did…we take responsibility for our actions…do not let Satan win…repentance is you don’t want to live in sin anymore…hate is a sin…the greatest way not to live in temptation is to not live in sin anymore…the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob…nothing ever separates you from the love of God…I want to be free and complete…thank you for making me believe that this place called Heaven is real…sin brings death…but God sent His Son Jesus who has no sin…start in the book of John…read that book three times over…tell your brothers with conviction, “NEVER GIVE UP ON GOD!”

“Life is worth living when you have purpose.”

Oh my. I yelled at Sandra finally. I have HAD it with her attitude and control issues!

10:30pm

Okay, so I apologized to Sandra for yelling at her, but I meant what I said–which was basically, “You have to follow the rules! Staff are staff and residents are residents!! YOU DON’T MAKE THE RULES!!” She just yelled delusional bullshit back to me about how her husband was going to call Candy Flotsam (the local DA) and get her out of here by tomorrow. She just got on my last nerve today when she said that she didn’t need to go to parenting classes because, “I KNOW how to take care of my kids!!”

Well.

That was the last straw for me. DON’T insinuate that I am a bad mother, because I take that shit seriously, and it took every last piece of my emotional strength not to scream, “Bitch I PROMISE you that I am a better mother than you!!!!”

She is currently in her room tearing up her write-up for trying to run meditation group by herself and on her own schedule, while yelling that she wants her money from the safe and that she’s leaving. 

MmmHM.

I’d like to see that, Missus Mouth. If you were gonna go, you woulda already been gone, and that’s a fact.

Back to my book, “And Still She Laughs.”

Roman’s 8:35, 38-39

Paul– “Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? … I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow–not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the Earth below–indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

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Life Uncategorized

Chester Bennington and Forgiving God

MUNCY STATE PRISON

Still December 4th, 2024

9:04pm

My eyes are bloodshot. I’m exhausted. Better than being manic. Bingo tonight. Swiper and I both called Bingo at the same time, so they called another number as a tiebreaker, and Swiper won. Zuko later said that it was a metaphor for my life here: I win something and then Swiper steals it from me.

Funny.

One the radio:

“I let my guard down, 

And then you pulled the rug,

I was getting kind of used to being someone you loved…”


The “You’’ in this metaphor is God. In 2003, my life was going great, and then Ethan died and it never recovered, no matter how hard I tried.

In SUDS (Substance Use Disorder Something or Other) today we watched a part of a documentary of Chester Bennington, the lead singer of Linkin Park who killed himself. I fail to see what this has to do with addiction treatment, but whatever. Bennington said things while he was alive like, “I didn’t know who I was,” “I was a mess,” “I was surviving,” and “Life if tough, I’m kind of broken.” He also said, “Every year of my life has been a rough year,” and that he hated the world.

He sounds a lot like me.

I have to let my anger at God go, or I’m afraid I’m just going to keep attracting events and circumstances to my life that victimize me. I have to forgive God, but I don’t know how.

Daisy and I were talking today about how she’s an abuser-magnet.

I’m a tragedy magnet.

Look up Max Lucado– “Why Would You Do This to Me?”

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Life Uncategorized

Strip-Searches, Life-Affirming Essences, and Miracles

MUNCY STATE PRISON

November 20th, 2024

Wednesday

8:30pm

We were locked down yesterday and today. Yesterday for a whole shakedown of the Unit, which was a nightmare. Locked down from 9am till 6pm, and they shut off the water, so the toilets were all full of shit, piss, and blood. 

Disgusting.

Also, they passed out water bottles to the bottom tier but not the top tier, so we had nothing to drink, even for lunch. Then Daisy literally peed her pants because at first they weren’t letting anyone use the bathroom. 

It was horrible and inhumane.

I hate this place.

Then handcuffs, strip searches, and metal detectors. 

Then tear your cell apart for no reason. 

They dumped Swiper’s entire box of paperwork on her bed.

I can’t believe I have a year of incarceration left.

Kimberly leaves in the morning.

I will miss her.

November 22nd, 2024

Book: 

“Children of the State: Stories of Survival and Hope in the Juvenile Justice System” by Jeff Hobbs © 2023

P. 25-26

“Over the past decade, roughly 2 million minors have been arrested in America per year, and any single day found around 30,000 of them locked up in secure placement facilities. The high turnover within such facilities meant that in the modern era some 150,000 young people spent time in jail, even if only for an afternoon, in the span of a year.”

P. 26-27

“The overarching goal of all changes in treatment and accommodation has been to reduce the recidivism rate among incarcerated American youth. In any era or year, this one statistic has always been absolutely paramount, signifying the effectiveness of a given system in a given place and time.

Judging by this simple metric, the systems that had never worked well were still not working well in this increasingly progressive era. Though no comprehensive national recidivism database existed, the aggregate local numbers suggested that despite improving conditions and programs, children were still far more likely than adults to be reincarcerated within three years of release–up to 84 percent by some estimates. The figure was harrowing, especially in contrast with the far rosier outcome numbers for juvenile arrestees who were put directly on probation or sent to drug treatment facilities or diverted by other routes from the full weight of the justice system. The disparity in these numbers spoke to some near-universal breakage of spirit that occurred within young people the moment they were confined in residence, which was one of the myriad terms used in juvenile courts to leaven the term’s actual meaning: prison. Whatever resilience that children inherently possessed seemed to vanish the moment a dead bolt fastened loudly behind them. Whatever national ethos championing the notion of self-determination that still presided over the country’s educational systems became irrelevant.

Entering a juvenile hall was statistically dooming. While juvenile records legally expired at age eighteen (or a certain number of years after one’s last offense, depending on the state), the unlikelihood of a juvie resident ever fully unshackling him- or herself from the justice system was writ in the grim outcomes of nearly all who’d been incarcerated before, pre-dating the nation’s founding. These outcomes had little to do with food quality or exercise. They were a testament to the way that life-affirming essences such as hope and perseverance didn’t just retreat within young souls in small rooms behind locked doors, but ceased to operate entirely.”

Book: 

“Crazy Enough” by Storm Large 

Excerpt, p. 261-262

“And the greatest performances I’ve seen or given are not unlike the most incredible sex one can ever have. It’s when you are truly torn open and powerless, and you lose it completely. You can call it God, or spirit, or art, or whatever chaotic mystery that sounds right to you, but when you are stripped of all your defenses, that’s when miracles happen. 

Maintaining composure during those experiences is beside the point. It’s so much better to feel like you might not survive the encounter, shit the bed, and touch the infinite.”

“The universe is made of stories, not of atoms.”

–Muriel Rukeyser

9:30pm

Cricket doesn’t say much. That’s why I named her Cricket–whenever it’s her turn to talk at the “Self-Help” meeting that is really an AA meeting–crickets. On her 40th birthday, she found out both that her friend had hung himself to death and that her “victim’s” family had won a lawsuit for $1 million. Cricket brought drugs into a county jail, where she shared them with a friend, who subsequently overdosed and died. Apparently, the friend’s family sued the jail and won.

Lights out.

I miss Kimberly. 

I hope she’s doing okay. She was so funny. What the hell am I going to blog about now?  I wonder if Daughters magazine would publish my blogs. 

Probably not. 

Too crude.

So, I read Storm Large’s book. It was good. It reminded me of how I used to write. She felt terrible for feeling relieved when her mother died.

What does that make me?

I felt relieved when my son died.

He was so sick…but so was she. 

I can identify with that.

Categories
Life Uncategorized

Heaven, Prayers, and Hair Dye

September 20th, 2017

Wednesday

Day 78

We’re supposed to be getting somewhere between three and five new women by the end of the week. Fun. Mr. Big still hasn’t approved my press release, and this fucking group starts in 10 days. I’ve decided to start reading, “Heaven is for Real.” It’s a description is, “A Little Boy’s Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back.” Hm. 

Quote from Jesus of Nazareth at the beginning: “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of Heaven.”

5pm

I think it’s so funny that Tori has this sign  on her door that says, “REMAIN CLAM” in big block letters. The reason for this is that the word “Calm” is misspelled on the escape plans that are screwed in to our walls. Super funny.

Watching Grey’s Anatomy with the bitches. Got two new ones today–one oldie, actually, like me–returned, and a newbie, Squish and Tex. Tex is pretty rough and tough. Pretty citi-fied, I guess. At a meeting now–Tex took her shoes off and ooched and ouched the entire walk here. She’s funny. She said she sat on her ass the whole time that she was in jail, and so the walk ( ¼ mile) here was a workout for her. It was funny, she was like, “I have backsweat for real.”  “I have boob and kneecap sweat now!” a couple minutes later.

Grief Book–Harriet S. Schiff

“The fear of the unknown is behind us…because we have already taken a long look at hell.” 

September 23rd, 2017

Saturday

Day 81

8pm

Galeton meeting. 

“Humility isn’t thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.” 

–C.S. Lewis

Tori is having a bad day. She got talked to about not showering enough apparently. I complained about my grief group not getting off the ground.

Acceptance prayer:

“Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake.”

September 25th, 2017

Monday

Day 83

8:30am

I got to visit with all three kids yesterday. Tiger made me a bracelet and they played with the cushions and made forts and jumped around until Superman bumped his head. They’re at the ages where I’m a little bit (selfishly) grateful when they get minor injuries because then I get to hold them for a couple of minutes without them squirming away. I’m missing so much. My Dad gave me pictures of the boys’ first day of school and Tiger’s school picture. First one I’ve gotten. First pictures I’ve gotten in over a year from them.

I’m off to therapy–riding with Mr. Silent. He’s the twin who never speaks. That’s okay. I don’t feel like talking either. I’m sad today. I finished the book, “Heaven Is For Real.” It’s pretty good. Short read. It’s about a little boy who has to have emergency surgery for appendicitis and takes a trip to Heaven while he’s under anesthesia. Interesting. He describes the angels singing to him and Jesus’ face–turns out he has blue/green eyes and not brown, like I thought.

11am

Therapizing over. Maybe I can get this guy to talk. Let’s see. 

No go. 

Remember high school dances? Why don’t we do that anymore? Like, as adults? People love zumba classes and stuff–why don’t people just get together and dance? I need to know. 

Grief book:

“Depression is thought to be related to feelings of psychological helplessness.”

September 26th, 2017

Tuesday

Day 84

Grief book:

“Life is forever a wiser, more knowing life.”

“Having landed on their feet after being thrown to the ground gives parents a sense of power. They see in the mirror a person who is a survivor.”

“Reasoning that no one or nothing in this world could hurt them more than they have already been hurt, numerous parents say they have become more willing to try things they have previously been afraid to do.”

8pm

What a day! This is my second trip to Coudersport today, the first was for shopping for groceries for the Center and this trip is for a meeting. This one guy is celebrating 40 years of sobriety tonight! 

–”AA didn’t only help me quit drinking, it helped me deal with life.”

“I’ve learned that today, picking up [a drink] would be like picking up a gun and holding it to my head.”

Experience. Strength. Hope.

Chantilly voluntarily signed over her parental rights to her two children yesterday so they can get adopted out. She’s having a really hard time with it. It’s basically been a two-year long streetfight in court for her. Poor girl.

Not that I think she was a fantastic mother or anything. Tonight when I was on the phone with the boys (Dubya didn’t answer so I could talk to Tiger), Superman was running around with the phone, and he yelled, “Mommy, are you bumpin’?!” It was really funny. Like I was inside the phone. I can’t believe I have another seven months of this. The pain of missing my kids is so great that sometimes I fear it will rip me in half. 

September 27th, 2017

Wednesday

Day 85

So…funny thing happened to me today…I went to the dentist and got two teeth pulled and afterward I was sitting outside waiting for my ride when this lady asked me what I was there for. I told her I had just had two teeth pulled and then she asked me if she could pray for me. I don’t mind people praying for me, so I said okay. She put her hand on my shoulder and said a long prayer asking God to take away my pain. Then she gave me twenty dollars!

SO weird.
Even weirder is that I’ve barely had ANY pain from these teeth. I’m a little sore, but that’s it.

Huh!

September 29th, 2017

Friday

Day 87

So I went to therapy at Crossroads–they just asked me a bunch of questions. Let’s see what my grief book has to say to me today: 

“The first year has to be what hell is like.”

–Min

6pm Group

She Recovers:

  1. When she is encouraged to choose her own recovery path.
  2. When she creates a vision for how she wants her life to be.
  3. When she takes small and steady steps towards her vision.
  4. When she makes peace with her past.
  5. When she finally understands that self-care is the secret to her recovery.

I got hair dye with the money that the praying dentist lady gave me. Self care. Tonight is a hard night here. Crash’s son got hit too hard at the football game (that all three of my kids were at), and had to be carried off the field because he had no feeling in his arms or legs. I prayed and prayed for him and all of his family.

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Sexist Pigs and God Shit

Women’s Center

Day 76

September 18th, 2017

Monday

Welp, this grief group project is going pretty much how I thought it would–with a lot of non-answeres and frustration from Mr. Big. He’s very easily distracted and doesn’t seem to have the ability to prioritize well when it comes to matters of importance. 

For instance, I was trying to talk him into letting me send out my press releases today, and he got distracted by one of the younger residents who was bopping around and telling jokes about how she was wearing flip flops with socks

Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike………….really?

Try to keep up, dude. 

This is important to me. 

Bla. Anyway, I talked to my therapist about the group and she thinks it’s a good idea and gave me some suggestions.

My mind has seemed so scrambled lately. I miss my kids so much. Old Toothless passed out at lunchtime and had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital.

She looked terrible. Seemed like a respiratory issue to me. Her oxygen saturation was 93%.

Scary.

The staff handled it well, and called 911 right away. She kept saying her head hurt and she was so tired, poor woman. I hope she’s okay. Maybe she needs to be on oxygen.

Tomorrow I go for an intake interview for intensive outpatient rehab and Wednesday I have a dentist appointment. I am NOT looking forward to that. The last two people that had teeth pulled, the Center wouldn’t fill their pain medication.

WTF.

I do NOT want to have teeth pulled with no pain meds.

Meanwhile, here are some quotes about pain, fittingly:

“When you break through the bottom of sorrow, light floods out.”

“The chief characteristics of those who have passed through great sadness are a gentle gaze upon others and a willingness to wait patiently for others’ growth.”

“Pain tempers the soul and develops generosity.”

“Humility and compassion are borne of sorrow.”

Enough of that.

Okay, so over the weekend we were playing this funny game for group called who, what, when, where, why. Here’s how you play–these words are written on a piece of paper and handed out to everyone, and everyone fills out the who, then folds it over and passes it, and then everyone fills out the what, and folds it over and passes it, etc.

Here’s the one that’s about me:

Who: Jess

What: sharted on Daisy’s chest

When: At Old Toothless’s house

Where: In the Boiler Room

Why: Because Jess’s lupus got cured by the Women’s Center’s water

Hahahaha funny. Mr. Big is always telling me to drink water for anything I complain of, so that’s where that came from.

5pm

Dinner time

8pm

Meeting

I guess they’re keeping Old Toothless at the hospital. Of course they don’t know what’s wrong with her, but went to discharge her anyway, and then she fainted again. I hate that hospital. I should have sued them when I had the chance.

“Progress, not perfection.”

“Don’t leave before the miracle happens.”

“It’s easier to stay sober than to get sober.”

“Recovery is not just about not drinking[/using].”

Sometimes the women in the Center drive me crazy! This poor guy here that says his R’s like W’s is telling a beautiful story to the best of his ability about how he found serenity in nature the other night sleeping out under the stars, and all these girls (yes, girls) can do is titter relentlessly about his speech impediment. 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHH!!

Funny aside:

Lou: “Do you hear voices in your head?”

Rena: “Just the normal ones everybody hears.”

Day 77

September 19th, 2017

Tuesday


Off to Wellsboro for a Crossroads intake. Fun fun. It’s intensive outpatient therapy, so that maybe I won’t have to go to inpatient rehab. My hands are killing me today, it hurts to write. The weather is so humid it’s still foggy and it’s 8 o’clock. 

When I get back I’ll have to see if the Big Boss texted Mr. Big about my press releases. I don’t know this driver’s name. He’s not a talker. Hasn’t said a word. When I walked out he was talking to another driver and the other driver looked at me and exclaimed, “You got a good one! Stay out of trouble!” Gross. Sexist pig. I wonder how Paul Bunyon is doing. I haven’t heard from him. Writing hurts. I think I’ll take a nap.

10am

Okay, well that’s done. Lot’s of paperwork and tons of signatures. Geez, this guy really likes the brakes. Let’s see what my Bible says for today. 

What Would Jesus Do? 

Thinking with the Mind of Christ

“Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God…For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord…

“We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man’s gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully…”

“Every member of the Body has the potential to be–and should be led and fed toward functioning as–a fully equipped agent of Jesus Christ.”

–Jack Hayford

Grief book

“We have seen how the death of a child is an expulsion from the land of innocence.”

“One of the vital tasks of grief-work is to come to a point where life again takes on meaning. Parents who fail to find meaningful outlets remain stuck. Parents who seek and find meaningful pursuits heal themselves more quickly.”

“Coming to feel worthwhile again is one essential ingredient in healing.”

“Today I know that you can’t save anybody. But I know through the work that I do that sometimes you can help somebody to save themselves.”

–Jill–daughter committed suicide, now an alcoholism counselor

“Repeatedly, bereaved parents spoke of a newly acquired value for empathy with the anguish of others.”

“Not only do these parents say that their focus on “things” diminishes, but they find that materialism and superficiality in others becomes annoying.”

“Bereaved parents acquire a wisdom and maturity prematurely.”

“They didn’t want to get stronger, there is simply no choice; black or white, live through this or die.”

“Steel has to go through fire to get its strength.”

John 1:23 He said, “I am ‘the voice of one crying out in the wilderness, Make straight the way of the Lord,’ as the prophet Isaiah said.”

6pm

In-house AA meeting:

When ready, we say something like this, “My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding.”

Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us.

Ha!

The birthday of AA is my birthday: 6/10/1935

I hate this group. It’s so boring. This woman acts like taking care of her wounded horse once a day is the freakin’ hardest thing she has ever done in her life, and I’m supposed to derive peace and strength and serenity from HER? 

WhatEVER.

Then she lets the women gossip and bitch about the Center for the last 20 minutes of the meeting. It drives me crazy. I am bored out of my skull. I can’t wait to get on the computer to send out my press releases.