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Grief and God Stuff

WOMEN’S CENTER

May 22nd, 2018

Day 323

12:30am

“Perspective is a giver. Comparison takes. Perspective is generous. Comparison pares down the loveliness of your life until it appears a thin shred of its former glory. Perspective carries us through life laughing. Comparison evokes cursing and frowns and grumbling.”

“Being paralyzed with fear and sadness, being rendered useless because of bitterness, only marks a victory for the enemy of my soul.”

8am

Mr. Big is already annoying people and it’s only 8am. He just told Sugar Momma, who is a bit overweight, that she could only have one serving of food per meal. 

That went over well.

Judgy much, Mr. Big?

Off to grocery shopping. Back to my book:

“If I believe Jesus is Bread of Life, the Beginning and the End, if I believe Jesus adorned himself in humanity, lived a humble life, and was scorned, tortured, and crucified to make atonement for me, will I not love him with all I’ve got?”

“Bloom Where You’re Planted.”

“Shall I not honor God and enjoy all of his gifts even if some are only given for a short while?”

11am

“The Bible defines faith as the ‘confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see’ (Heb. 11.2).”

“Faith is the love not we give to God.”

“I have come to the conclusion that it does not glorify God to wallow in despondency like a pig in mud.”

“How does one go through the motions of life when death has swept through your world? It was like trying to speak, but emitting barely a squeak; trying to walk, but wading through quicksand; trying to breathe, but choking on life.”

“Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?” (Job 2:10)

“It was time to walk in everything God had destined for us, and to do it with guts.”

“And because Satan the accuser is defeated by the blood of the Lamb and the work of our testimonies (Rev. 122:11), I will offer mine.”

What she says about the night that her daughter died:

“In our bedroom in the deep of the night we held her reed-thin body, never wanting to let go. We pulled out all the horrid tubes and wrapped her in her favorite soft blanket. We covered her little bald head and wept and kissed her face over and over. Then, as we fell to our knees and worshipped God–who had given her to us and to whom she had gone–we felt the presence of angels and knew we were not alone.

I never want to do that again.”

That is profound.

I know the feeling, though–about the angels. When Ethan died, I remember leaving my apartment and walking around the block, thanking God that Ethan was not suffering any more, and there was an unseasonable warmth to the early April day, and I was so compelled to leave the House of Death that I hadn’t even bothered to put on shoes. Somehow, I knew that my family wouldn’t understand my gratitude to God, and that the oppressive weight of grief would consume me when I went back to the house, and so I stayed gone as long as I felt that I could.

2pm

Now I’m watching a video Big suggested aby a named Nicholas Vujicic who has no arms or legs. He tried to commit suicide at age 10 because he was bullied in school.

“When you don’t get a miracle, you can still BE a miracle.”

This guy talks about when God sees him when he gets to Heaven and asks him who he brings with him, how many souls.

Pretty inspiring.

Now we have to go to Parenting class. We’re talking about temperament today–how people respond to an experience. We are born with a temperament, but it is also affected by environment.

7:30pm

Oh, I had a GREAT evening! I got to plant tomatoes and peppers while 2dinner was being prepared, and I taught Tori about intestinal parasites because she wants to learn how to be a Vet Tech (which made me feel awesome–I love teaching!), and then Kat let us pick lilacs from across the street to put in our rooms! 

It was fantastic.

Now, instead of a meeting we get to watch more of Nick Vujicic speaking. I thought it would be awful to stay here all day, but it wasn’t!

Huh.

Oh oh–Jo won’t get out of bed. I tried and tried and tried to talk to her, but it was Grammy who finally got her to come out. 

Now Nick Vujicic speaking to a prison:

“God loves you, and yes, He has a plan…

There is hope beyond what you see…GOD DOES MIRACLES…everything I’m telling you is true…[we] are citizens of Heaven passing through…we are meant to be eternal creatures…your soul needs restoring, peace, and rest…to believe in something that you can’t see is crazy…it’s called faith…the truth will set you free…beautiful things can come from your broken pieces, when you give your broken pieces a chance…I have joy, I have truth, and I am free…I know what you need–truth, hope…you have an enemy…his name is Satan…he made you do what you did…we take responsibility for our actions…do not let Satan win…repentance is you don’t want to live in sin anymore…hate is a sin…the greatest way not to live in temptation is to not live in sin anymore…the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob…nothing ever separates you from the love of God…I want to be free and complete…thank you for making me believe that this place called Heaven is real…sin brings death…but God sent His Son Jesus who has no sin…start in the book of John…read that book three times over…tell your brothers with conviction, “NEVER GIVE UP ON GOD!”

“Life is worth living when you have purpose.”

Oh my. I yelled at Sandra finally. I have HAD it with her attitude and control issues!

10:30pm

Okay, so I apologized to Sandra for yelling at her, but I meant what I said–which was basically, “You have to follow the rules! Staff are staff and residents are residents!! YOU DON’T MAKE THE RULES!!” She just yelled delusional bullshit back to me about how her husband was going to call Candy Flotsam (the local DA) and get her out of here by tomorrow. She just got on my last nerve today when she said that she didn’t need to go to parenting classes because, “I KNOW how to take care of my kids!!”

Well.

That was the last straw for me. DON’T insinuate that I am a bad mother, because I take that shit seriously, and it took every last piece of my emotional strength not to scream, “Bitch I PROMISE you that I am a better mother than you!!!!”

She is currently in her room tearing up her write-up for trying to run meditation group by herself and on her own schedule, while yelling that she wants her money from the safe and that she’s leaving. 

MmmHM.

I’d like to see that, Missus Mouth. If you were gonna go, you woulda already been gone, and that’s a fact.

Back to my book, “And Still She Laughs.”

Roman’s 8:35, 38-39

Paul– “Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? … I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow–not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the Earth below–indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

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Jesus, The Morning After Pill, and Forgiveness

May 1st, 2018

Day 302

Tuesday

7am

I couldn’t sleep last night. I finally got up at 5am. I took a shower and did my hair, and put on a new shirt that I got yesterday, and I have to say–I look pretty damn good! I HAVE to finish that stupid 3rd essay today–my restriction goes for a month from when it’s turned in.

Ugh.

9:30am

I finished the essay. Now off to Crossroads with Tori. 

Oh no! We saw a dead cat on the road.  >:(

The driver asked if we wanted to stop and give it artificial insemination. 

Funny. 

Oh Larry.

He’s a good guy–always has a good radio station on for us. We just passed a sign that said, “Jesus chose fishermen as his disciples.”

Huh.

Interesting. 

Need to research: salivary tests for neurotransmitters to see if people are on the right medication. 

–Researched–salivary tests for determining what kind of medication a person should be on are not FDA approved and are basically a scam. They don’t match or predict anything.

On the board at group:

“A real apology is changed behavior. It takes longer for a brain to transform than it does a conversation to expire.”

My therapist at group thinks that I should write my sister love letters. I think that’s a fine idea, but what will I say? I can’t pretend that my resentments toward her don’t crop up when I think of it–she was instrumental in getting my kids taken away from me three years ago…I guess I’ll try anyway, given that she’s all I’ve talked about for a week now in therapy. I talked to her ex-husband last night on the phone (which is probably why I couldn’t sleep last night), and he couldn’t tell me much except that he was keeping their 5-year old son for the time being. I wonder what’s going to happen with her. 

Okay, here goes: 

Elizabeth:

I wanted you to know I was thinking about you. I love you no matter what, and I want you to know that. I tried not to, but even after you did the worst thing you could ever do to me, I still find myself loving you. I really do want the best for you, and I’m worried about you. How did your doctor’s appointment go, and are you seeing your therapist regularly?

I have an inkling that you know this already, but this Bipolar business is no joke. But the good news is that it can be controlled, but you have to get help in order for that to happen. You deserve a better quality of life than you have and so do the people around you, like your son and your husband. I know it’s hard, but try to imagine for a moment what it would be like NOT to have to live like you do anymore, without the mood swings and “crashes?” 

I hope that we can keep in touch when I get out in July and that our kids can get to know each other better. I know you’re in trouble right now even if you don’t, and there is help available to you, if you would just ask for it.

I love you.

Love, 

Jess

Last night we were doing “discussion questions” for group, which are meant to be a little controversial, and one of the questions was, “What do you think about the ‘morning after’ pill?” Tori didn’t like the answers some of the more pro-life-leaning women had to say about that, and she said to me today, “I wanted to say, ‘I’ll  get pregnant right now and kill my baby in front of you! I’ll have a miscarriage right on your face!’”

Oh, Tori. 

I had to laugh. 

She’s hilarious.

I wonder what’s going to happen in the next couple of months with her. She’s talking to this new guy that’s in recovery, Harley, and it seems like he wants to kidnap her and hold her hostage for life. He’s like, in love with her and they only just met a couple of weeks ago. 

Oh, dead cat again.

I’m not sure how I feel about him yet. I guess he’s okay except that he’s 46.

5pm

I had parenting classes from 2pm-3pm, then back in the car for a dentist appointment, now back to the Center. The nice weather makes me want to be out of there so fucking bad. Like how many times do I have to start my life over already??!!

I guess I’ve never tried to start it over sober, though. 

In any case, I’ll probably have to go back to Coudersport again tonight for the meeting. 

We’ll see. 

Oh, wait, no–in house meeting tonight, I forgot. 

Ugh–those are hella boring.

May 2nd, 2018

Day 303

12pm

Oh, I’m in a horrible mood. I haven’t smoked since 7am and I’m super tired for some reason. I wonder what’s for lunch. Big won’t let me smoke–grrrrr……but he did give me a book on Forgiveness, which I think I’ll read. Jo keeps saying she’s going to leave this place and go back to jail because she can’t talk to her boyfriend–who is an abusive fuck, if you ask me. 

Okay–

Book: 

“Forgiveness” by Charles Stanley © 1987

This book is almost as old as me.

“Forgiveness is the act of setting someone free from an obligation to you that is a result of a wrong done against you.”

“The three essential elements of forgiveness are injury, a debt resulting from the injury, and a cancellation of the debt.”

“Four reasons by the person with an unforgiving spirit is the real loser are:

  1. Unforgiveness, by its very nature, prevents individuals from following through on many of the specifics of the Christian life and practically necessitates that they walk by the flesh rather than by the Spirit. 

‘But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law…If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit.’ –Galatians 5:22-23, 25”

  1. The destructive nature of an unforgiving spirit is such that it is not limited to one relationship. Resentment and other negative feelings spill over into other relationships.
  2. The rejection connection: when a person is wronged in some way, whether in marriage, business, friendship, or some other relationship, rejection occurs. The classic case would be when a guy breaks up with his girlfriend because he has found another girl. In her struggle with rejection, the girl swears she will never trust another male.

Rejection evolves into an unforgiving spirit, and eventually into bitterness, taking a terrible toll. The person is left with a deep sense of emptiness, an inner sense that something is missing.

  1. Since the person with the unforgiving spirit is usually waiting for the other person to make restitution, a great deal of time may go by. During this time, fleshly patterns of behavior and incorrect thought patterns develop. Even after an unforgiving spirit is corrected, the side effects can take years to deal with, especially in the area of relationships.

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Strip-Searches, Life-Affirming Essences, and Miracles

MUNCY STATE PRISON

November 20th, 2024

Wednesday

8:30pm

We were locked down yesterday and today. Yesterday for a whole shakedown of the Unit, which was a nightmare. Locked down from 9am till 6pm, and they shut off the water, so the toilets were all full of shit, piss, and blood. 

Disgusting.

Also, they passed out water bottles to the bottom tier but not the top tier, so we had nothing to drink, even for lunch. Then Daisy literally peed her pants because at first they weren’t letting anyone use the bathroom. 

It was horrible and inhumane.

I hate this place.

Then handcuffs, strip searches, and metal detectors. 

Then tear your cell apart for no reason. 

They dumped Swiper’s entire box of paperwork on her bed.

I can’t believe I have a year of incarceration left.

Kimberly leaves in the morning.

I will miss her.

November 22nd, 2024

Book: 

“Children of the State: Stories of Survival and Hope in the Juvenile Justice System” by Jeff Hobbs © 2023

P. 25-26

“Over the past decade, roughly 2 million minors have been arrested in America per year, and any single day found around 30,000 of them locked up in secure placement facilities. The high turnover within such facilities meant that in the modern era some 150,000 young people spent time in jail, even if only for an afternoon, in the span of a year.”

P. 26-27

“The overarching goal of all changes in treatment and accommodation has been to reduce the recidivism rate among incarcerated American youth. In any era or year, this one statistic has always been absolutely paramount, signifying the effectiveness of a given system in a given place and time.

Judging by this simple metric, the systems that had never worked well were still not working well in this increasingly progressive era. Though no comprehensive national recidivism database existed, the aggregate local numbers suggested that despite improving conditions and programs, children were still far more likely than adults to be reincarcerated within three years of release–up to 84 percent by some estimates. The figure was harrowing, especially in contrast with the far rosier outcome numbers for juvenile arrestees who were put directly on probation or sent to drug treatment facilities or diverted by other routes from the full weight of the justice system. The disparity in these numbers spoke to some near-universal breakage of spirit that occurred within young people the moment they were confined in residence, which was one of the myriad terms used in juvenile courts to leaven the term’s actual meaning: prison. Whatever resilience that children inherently possessed seemed to vanish the moment a dead bolt fastened loudly behind them. Whatever national ethos championing the notion of self-determination that still presided over the country’s educational systems became irrelevant.

Entering a juvenile hall was statistically dooming. While juvenile records legally expired at age eighteen (or a certain number of years after one’s last offense, depending on the state), the unlikelihood of a juvie resident ever fully unshackling him- or herself from the justice system was writ in the grim outcomes of nearly all who’d been incarcerated before, pre-dating the nation’s founding. These outcomes had little to do with food quality or exercise. They were a testament to the way that life-affirming essences such as hope and perseverance didn’t just retreat within young souls in small rooms behind locked doors, but ceased to operate entirely.”

Book: 

“Crazy Enough” by Storm Large 

Excerpt, p. 261-262

“And the greatest performances I’ve seen or given are not unlike the most incredible sex one can ever have. It’s when you are truly torn open and powerless, and you lose it completely. You can call it God, or spirit, or art, or whatever chaotic mystery that sounds right to you, but when you are stripped of all your defenses, that’s when miracles happen. 

Maintaining composure during those experiences is beside the point. It’s so much better to feel like you might not survive the encounter, shit the bed, and touch the infinite.”

“The universe is made of stories, not of atoms.”

–Muriel Rukeyser

9:30pm

Cricket doesn’t say much. That’s why I named her Cricket–whenever it’s her turn to talk at the “Self-Help” meeting that is really an AA meeting–crickets. On her 40th birthday, she found out both that her friend had hung himself to death and that her “victim’s” family had won a lawsuit for $1 million. Cricket brought drugs into a county jail, where she shared them with a friend, who subsequently overdosed and died. Apparently, the friend’s family sued the jail and won.

Lights out.

I miss Kimberly. 

I hope she’s doing okay. She was so funny. What the hell am I going to blog about now?  I wonder if Daughters magazine would publish my blogs. 

Probably not. 

Too crude.

So, I read Storm Large’s book. It was good. It reminded me of how I used to write. She felt terrible for feeling relieved when her mother died.

What does that make me?

I felt relieved when my son died.

He was so sick…but so was she. 

I can identify with that.

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Sexist Pigs and God Shit

Women’s Center

Day 76

September 18th, 2017

Monday

Welp, this grief group project is going pretty much how I thought it would–with a lot of non-answeres and frustration from Mr. Big. He’s very easily distracted and doesn’t seem to have the ability to prioritize well when it comes to matters of importance. 

For instance, I was trying to talk him into letting me send out my press releases today, and he got distracted by one of the younger residents who was bopping around and telling jokes about how she was wearing flip flops with socks

Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike………….really?

Try to keep up, dude. 

This is important to me. 

Bla. Anyway, I talked to my therapist about the group and she thinks it’s a good idea and gave me some suggestions.

My mind has seemed so scrambled lately. I miss my kids so much. Old Toothless passed out at lunchtime and had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital.

She looked terrible. Seemed like a respiratory issue to me. Her oxygen saturation was 93%.

Scary.

The staff handled it well, and called 911 right away. She kept saying her head hurt and she was so tired, poor woman. I hope she’s okay. Maybe she needs to be on oxygen.

Tomorrow I go for an intake interview for intensive outpatient rehab and Wednesday I have a dentist appointment. I am NOT looking forward to that. The last two people that had teeth pulled, the Center wouldn’t fill their pain medication.

WTF.

I do NOT want to have teeth pulled with no pain meds.

Meanwhile, here are some quotes about pain, fittingly:

“When you break through the bottom of sorrow, light floods out.”

“The chief characteristics of those who have passed through great sadness are a gentle gaze upon others and a willingness to wait patiently for others’ growth.”

“Pain tempers the soul and develops generosity.”

“Humility and compassion are borne of sorrow.”

Enough of that.

Okay, so over the weekend we were playing this funny game for group called who, what, when, where, why. Here’s how you play–these words are written on a piece of paper and handed out to everyone, and everyone fills out the who, then folds it over and passes it, and then everyone fills out the what, and folds it over and passes it, etc.

Here’s the one that’s about me:

Who: Jess

What: sharted on Daisy’s chest

When: At Old Toothless’s house

Where: In the Boiler Room

Why: Because Jess’s lupus got cured by the Women’s Center’s water

Hahahaha funny. Mr. Big is always telling me to drink water for anything I complain of, so that’s where that came from.

5pm

Dinner time

8pm

Meeting

I guess they’re keeping Old Toothless at the hospital. Of course they don’t know what’s wrong with her, but went to discharge her anyway, and then she fainted again. I hate that hospital. I should have sued them when I had the chance.

“Progress, not perfection.”

“Don’t leave before the miracle happens.”

“It’s easier to stay sober than to get sober.”

“Recovery is not just about not drinking[/using].”

Sometimes the women in the Center drive me crazy! This poor guy here that says his R’s like W’s is telling a beautiful story to the best of his ability about how he found serenity in nature the other night sleeping out under the stars, and all these girls (yes, girls) can do is titter relentlessly about his speech impediment. 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHH!!

Funny aside:

Lou: “Do you hear voices in your head?”

Rena: “Just the normal ones everybody hears.”

Day 77

September 19th, 2017

Tuesday


Off to Wellsboro for a Crossroads intake. Fun fun. It’s intensive outpatient therapy, so that maybe I won’t have to go to inpatient rehab. My hands are killing me today, it hurts to write. The weather is so humid it’s still foggy and it’s 8 o’clock. 

When I get back I’ll have to see if the Big Boss texted Mr. Big about my press releases. I don’t know this driver’s name. He’s not a talker. Hasn’t said a word. When I walked out he was talking to another driver and the other driver looked at me and exclaimed, “You got a good one! Stay out of trouble!” Gross. Sexist pig. I wonder how Paul Bunyon is doing. I haven’t heard from him. Writing hurts. I think I’ll take a nap.

10am

Okay, well that’s done. Lot’s of paperwork and tons of signatures. Geez, this guy really likes the brakes. Let’s see what my Bible says for today. 

What Would Jesus Do? 

Thinking with the Mind of Christ

“Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God…For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord…

“We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man’s gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully…”

“Every member of the Body has the potential to be–and should be led and fed toward functioning as–a fully equipped agent of Jesus Christ.”

–Jack Hayford

Grief book

“We have seen how the death of a child is an expulsion from the land of innocence.”

“One of the vital tasks of grief-work is to come to a point where life again takes on meaning. Parents who fail to find meaningful outlets remain stuck. Parents who seek and find meaningful pursuits heal themselves more quickly.”

“Coming to feel worthwhile again is one essential ingredient in healing.”

“Today I know that you can’t save anybody. But I know through the work that I do that sometimes you can help somebody to save themselves.”

–Jill–daughter committed suicide, now an alcoholism counselor

“Repeatedly, bereaved parents spoke of a newly acquired value for empathy with the anguish of others.”

“Not only do these parents say that their focus on “things” diminishes, but they find that materialism and superficiality in others becomes annoying.”

“Bereaved parents acquire a wisdom and maturity prematurely.”

“They didn’t want to get stronger, there is simply no choice; black or white, live through this or die.”

“Steel has to go through fire to get its strength.”

John 1:23 He said, “I am ‘the voice of one crying out in the wilderness, Make straight the way of the Lord,’ as the prophet Isaiah said.”

6pm

In-house AA meeting:

When ready, we say something like this, “My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding.”

Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us.

Ha!

The birthday of AA is my birthday: 6/10/1935

I hate this group. It’s so boring. This woman acts like taking care of her wounded horse once a day is the freakin’ hardest thing she has ever done in her life, and I’m supposed to derive peace and strength and serenity from HER? 

WhatEVER.

Then she lets the women gossip and bitch about the Center for the last 20 minutes of the meeting. It drives me crazy. I am bored out of my skull. I can’t wait to get on the computer to send out my press releases.

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Blind Faith, Emily Dickinson, and Violent Explosions

Women’s Center

Day 69

September 11th, 2017

Monday

Off to my therapy appointment with Fred the Driver. My chest hurts today–I don’t know if I’m sick or stressed. Probably both. I’ve filled up two journals so far and have started on my third today. It seems fitting that Ethan’s birthday would end one–the beginning of a new chapter hopefully. I remember when I was pregnant, I was afraid he would be born on 9/11 and it would be a harbinger of bad luck. Ha! I gotta stop being so superstitious and probably just trust in God, like every other happy person on Earth. They just seem to think that every good thing is God’s doing, and then when bad things happen, God helps them through. Blind faith, they call it, and it works for millions. 

Huh.

Reading my grief book–I went through this too when Ethan died, and this is why I wrote Kidowed. 

“Enid – When it was gone, it wasn’t like I could go back to the outside world and say, I am still his mother.” 

To the outside world I am a single woman with no children. It’s hard to come to grips with. I wish there could be a stamp for it like widow or widower, some way I could identify to people when they say, “Do you have any children?” You could say I am a __________! Bereaved is the only word I can come up with. 

Just as alcoholics are said to never be cured, a present is never “cured”” of grief–that parent will never be a “former” bereaved parent, that parent will forevermore be a recovering bereaved parent.”

Fred likes Christian music. Geezoman. He’s a really noisy breather too. Can you really jam to Christian music? It all sounds the same to me. Maybe it’s uplifting to him. I’m being immersed in God stuff.

Hope I don’t drown.

“Studies have shown that children, regardless of age, are able to survive a tragic loss, even multiple losses, if they are cherished and secure afterward.”

Huh.

Maybe my children will be okay after all.

“I measure each grief I meet 

With analytic eyes;

I wonder it if weighs like mine, 

Or has an easier size.

I wonder if it hurts to live, 

Or if they have to try, 

And whether, could they choose between, 

They would rather not die.

  –Emily Dickinson

“In sudden, unexpected death, the parents drop into the pit of extreme despair. Shock, extreme confusion, and disorganization often occur. The world as they knew it disappears in a violent explosion. Their sense of control is assaulted. Life is no longer predictable and sensible.”

“The time of dying is exhausting in every way. When death comes, often there is a small sense of relief. That fleeting feeling passes and the long bout with grief begins.”

Fred’s advice:

  1. Start with the Book of John. The first chapter may be hard, but read it.
  2. “Jesus empowers you to live the life that you want to.”
  3. “Every eye will see him when returns.”
  4. Jesus, I’m sorry for what I’ve done, please forgive me, and please come into my life.”
  5. Don’t live for yourself.
  6. Jesus is first.
  7. Others are second.
  8. You are next.
  9. Teach this to your children by example.

Fred says that without Jesus Christ in his life, the song, “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction” was a revelation at a truck stop for him. 

About September 11th, Fred was driving truck when the planes hit. They closed the border so he couldn’t go to Canada. 

John 14 vs 6 “I am the way, the truth, and the life.”’

I’ve accepted Ethan’s death over and over and over again, Ethan’s death. I’m exhausted of being angry.

7:30 (Half of page missing)

My kids are not coming today. They are going to my step-brother Will’s house for his son’s birthday party. They’re step-cousins, if you will. Will molested me and my sister for a good six years growing up. So all three of my children are going to a child molester’s house instead of coming to see their mother. Nice. I guess my parents want to go back to court too.

10:30pm

“I am always ready to learn, but I do NOT always like being taught.”

–Winston Churchill

I dreaded that first robin so,

But he is mastered now,

And I’m accustomed to him grown, 

He hurts a little, though.

–Emily Dickinson

From my book:
“The shadows do begin to lighten ever so slowly, almost imperceptibly, over time; but the landscape has changed.”

6pm

Gawd. Now we’re discussing the resident that committed suicide over at Mountain Laurel. He was about 10 years older than me, rumored to have a wife and two kids at home. Shame. Everybody’s going around saying, “There’s nothing we could do…at least he’s not suffering anymore…”

What is THAT bullshit?!! Of course you can help people who are suffering and contemplating suicide! It’s not just a bomb that goes off! People don’t commit suicide in a vaccuum! They usually suffer for a long time before, and might be able to be helped. Otherwise there would be no suicide prevention programs–duh!

Anyway, we’re talking about resentments. You know who I’m resentful at today? Fucking Brash. He won’t keep his tiny dick out of my business and my name out of his mouth. He’s fucking shit-talking me all over town, and HE’S the one who made the phone call to probation that I was using! I’VE never done anything to that little boy! He’s probably just mad that I wouldn’t fuck him. Dweeb. Hope he got Hep C tested because he was sharing needles with Ike to shoot up his fucking Wellbutrin pills so he could get high while on drug court. God, this woman is so full of herself. I should be listening.

Categories
Life

Motorcycle, Tiger, and Hep C

April 5th, 2024

Friday

8:18am

Tomorrow is the 19th anniversary of Ethan’s death. That’s all I have to say about that.

10:30am 

Apparently there was a small earthquake here and some of the women felt it.
Hm. 

4:01pm

I talked to Motorcycle. I think painkillers make him really romantic. He said he had a dream while under anesthesia and I was in it. He says he doesn’t remember what the dream was about, but that he remembers that I was in it. He said, “I love you so fucking much. I miss you.”

Sweet, coming from him.

He said that the bleeding from his nose is sporadic now, but that he wasn’t able to sleep very well. 

Today is Commissary day.

The women in the next cube are discussing their children and who is teaching their daughters how to use tampons. I’m sure Tiger has had her period by now. I wonder who teaches her life skills, with no mother and no stepmother. I guess you can Youtube anything now.

God knows she doesn’t want me in her life.

The last thing I said to her was, “I love you very much.”

The last thing she said to me was, “I wish I could say the same.”

I wrote her and called her for the past five years. She never once wrote me or called me back. I wrote her father several letters, too, that all went unanswered.

Daisy is reading a book on strange murders in Pennsylvania. She says she likes to read about people who are crazier than her. She and I are on the schedule for Library on Monday. Tomorrow I have to go to some clinic, probably because of my Hep C antibody test. I don’t know what else it would be for. Back to wheelchair pushing tomorrow. Maybe I’ll try this other book: “Death and Other Penalties,” © 2015.