Tag: loss

January 14th, 2018

Day 195

Sunday

1pm

Boy do I feel like garbage today. I’m out of Gabapentin, and the pharmacy won’t refill it  because they say it’s too early.

WTF.

The only way I can figure that it ran out too early is that the Goddamn staff is taking it, because I sure as hell am not taking it more than I’m supposed to. I can’t wait to see the boys today–Tiger isn’t coming. I’ll have to call her sometime today. I keep getting hot and then cold and sweaty–it sucks. Red, Pink, and Tori are playing a relationship card game and the rest of us are just sitting around–everybody’s on restriction except Elaine and I. I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Even Old Toothless and Chantilly got in trouble because they traded milks–Old Toothless doesn’t like the almond milk they get her because she’s diabetic. 

Nickolai still can’t poop. 

It’s been nothing but drama all day with no TV to distract everybody.

5pm

The visit with the boys was good, except for the argument with my mother at the end of it. She told me that a Guardian Ad Litem was already appointed for the boys, so that’s one less thing I have to do. I wonder if they got the scheduling notice yet–I haven’t gotten one yet. She also told me that they’ve only missed two visits in six months, when I’ve counted four. She told me that a head’s up would’ve been nice, when I threatened her with court more than a month ago if they missed any more visits, and then they missed the week before Christmas! What is she talking about?!

This woman has a selective memory, I swear. 

I have a feeling I’m going to lose this one. I’m asking for two hours every other weekend (when Tiger’s here) and one hour on the off weeks, which they were doing before Mr. Big changed all of the rules, so I don’t know what the big deal is. 

I’ll never understand her.

Why on Earth would I cater to what is most convenient for her instead of what’s best for the kids??

I hate this.

Yeah, I wish we didn’t have to go to court too, but I didn’t start it!!!!!!!

Off to read my AA book–hopefully my sponsor will make it tonight.

Pink wrote a poem she wants me to copy–

You deserve a lady friend

Now until the end

A ride and die

From your low to your high

Always going to be by your side

Never say goodbye

Always be honest enough to 

Never tell you a lie

A girl never afraid to 

Have you in sight

Make you feel like you’re

The star shining light

Now that I said all this

And I’m at the end

I’d love to be your 

Lady friend

January 15th, 2018

Day 196

Monday

1pm

Went to therapy this morning, which went fine. We were supposed to work on EMDR, but I was so stressed that my therapist decided we would just talk. So I talked about how they haven’t gotten my Gabapentin refilled, how incredibly stressful it’s been here, etc., etc.

7pm

God.

We all just found out that there’s no meeting tonight–everyone is flipping out. Mr. Big keeps saying that restriction is going to get worse and now we’re going to fewer and fewer meetings, and it can’t be blamed on the weather either, because the roads aren’t bad. Poor Kat is getting the shitty end of the stick tonight, having to listen to all of this bitching.

January 16th, 2018

Day 197

Tuesday

Five Therapeutic factors of direct service self help groups

1. Cognitive restructuring: Members develop a new perspective on themselves and their problems.
2. Hope: Members develop hope that their life will get better as they see the lives of others with similar problems improve.
3. Altruism: Members feel good about themselves for helping others
4. Acceptance: Members feel they will not be rejected or blamed for their problems.
5. Universality: Members become aware that they are not alone in having the problems they face.

January 17th, 2018

Day 198

Wednesday

8:30am

I have my grief support group at 8pm tonight. I still feel an impending sense of doom about it, like it’s just going to be a disaster or Mr. Big will cancel it at the last minute or something. There are only four people here today, so instead of groups, we have to go do Community Service. 

Fun. 

It’s been rumored that we’re getting a new woman today, but I don’t think that’s true. Oh, the rules around here lately have been  crazy. And Mr. Big hasn’t let me check my email at all, so I haven’t been able to see if that reporter got back to me or if other people emailed me about my group, or what. He’s being an asshole to me too, even though I’m one of only two people that aren’t on restriction–the other being Elaine. 

Somehow I have to find time to do laundry today. I don’t have an outfit to wear to my meeting since we’re only allowed four outfits in our rooms now. 

How stupid.

It’s going to cost them more money in laundry detergent and water than it’s worth.

God.

He won’t even let us bring cigarettes to Community Service.

Jerk.

Now Pink is arguing with Mr. Big about the in-house meetings being under surveillance (cameras). Mr. Big is refusing to fight with her. 

Good choice.

I bet she’s going to start crying because he is not listening. She says she’s refusing to go to in-house NA meetings now.

Social Work Book:

“Self-disclosure has been defined as ‘the process of deliberately revealing information about ourselves that is significant and that would not normally be known by others.

Under-discloser–talk too little, even when the situation calls for it

Overdisclosers–talk too much

Appropriate self-disclosure can be defined as the right amount of self-revelation at the right time.

5pm

Oh my God the cops are here.

What on Earth are they here for??!!

They just took Tori back for something–questioning, hopefully??!!

Omg I hope she doesn’t go to prison. 

I hope I hope I hope I hope!

I can’t believe how nervous I am. Now it comes out that Tori told her probation officer about the fucking shit she did. 

Oh no.

I really hope they don’t take her. The Judge said the same thing to her as he did to me–that the next step was state prison. 

God.

Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease!

I feel so bad for her, I can’t even imagine what she’s going through. She’s probably freaking out like crazy. 

I know I would be. 

I hope they don’t question everybody. 

I’m going to ask for an attorney if they question me. 

I have to do something. 

I feel like I’m going to puke. 

I’m going to go get my laundry. 

8pm

Tori didn’t go to prison, but she is going to get some new charges and no early release.

Poor girl.

I feel so bad for her.

Now I am at my grief group waiting for people to show up–I hope somebody comes. Maybe it’ll be just me and a pan of brownies.

*sigh*

That reminds me–I have court on Friday and I’d really like to fit into this nice dress I got at the Community Closet. I’m down to 150lbs, which was a real struggle for me. I feel like I never eat, and when I do, I immediately gain 5lbs. 

I guess I’ll go see if anyone is here.

Nope. 

8:10pm

No dice.

Oh, well, I tried. 

I’ll try again the first week in February. I printed off five copies of three different handouts, and was worried that I wouldn’t have enough!

Well, shit.

Maybe next time. I guess I’ll write down my grief quotes. The lady who let me in keeps coming in and asking me questions. That makes me embarrassed that no one came.

Ah, well.

Grief Quotes

It’s okay. 

It’s okay to miss them.

It’s okay to say their name. 

It’s okay to cry.

It’s okay to laugh. 

It’s okay to breathe deeply.

It’s okay to smile when you think of them.

It’s okay to function.

It’s okay to have days where you can’t function.

It’s okay to be angry.

It’s okay to be thankful.

It’s okay to love again.

It’s okay to remember.

It’s okay to hope. 

It’s okay to be honest.

It’s okay to trust again.

It’s okay. 

It’s okay. 

It’s okay.

–Scribbles and Crumbs

Grief if like the ocean;

It comes in waves, 

Ebbing and flowing.

Sometimes the water is calm, 

And sometimes it is overwhelming.

All we can do is learn to swim.

–Vicki Harrison

Grief is the last act of love we have to give to those we loved.

Where there is deep grief, 

There was great love.

livepurposefullynow.com

It is kind of shocking when your world falls to pieces and everyone around you carries on with life. How can the birds continue to sing? How can people carry on loving life? It is like you have become frozen in time and are now watching life like a movie. As the weeks and months roll by, life becomes more real again, but you will never forget that point in time where life stood still.

–Zoe Clark-Coates

There are moments which mark your life; moments when you realize that nothing will ever be the same and time is divided into two parts: BEFORE this and AFTER this. 

–Author Unknown

Man…I should have brought a book to read. After the emails I got, I was sure SOMEONE would show up. I mean, who takes time to email somebody that they’re coming to a group and then doesn’t show up?!

Ugh…I know, I know, it’s a difficult topic and people are scared and shy.

*sigh* again.

Suggestions for Coping with Grief

1. Take care of yourself physically
2. Forgive (them and yourself)
3. Explore your spirituality–prayer, song, worship, meditation, or study of scripture. Listen to the whispers of your heart and soul.
4. “Talk” with the person you lost.
5. Write letters to the person you lost–say what’s on your mind and in your heart.
6. Treasure fond memories–scrapbook, video collage, record stories about the person (that other people tell).
7. Take time with your special person’s personal belongings–”You, and only you, should decide what is done with their clothes and personal belongings. Don’t force yourself to go through these things until you’re ready to. Take your time. When you have the energy to go through them, you will.”
8. Honor your special person– celebrate your special person’s life and memory.
9. Work through your grief–accept your feelings, experience your emotions.
10. Share your pain and hope with others–give your grief words, pour out your heart and soul as often as you need.
11. Complete “unfinished business”–do whatever you feel is important to reach a sense of closure.
12. Be kind to yourself–take time to rest, eat healthfully, exercise, and socialize with family and friends–treat yourself as you would a dear friend if she were suffering.
13. Let yourself cry–sobbing promotes relaxation and the release of tension and sorrow.
14. Tune into what you are feeling–depression, anger, guilt, fear, regret, loneliness, relief, peace—-whatever your feelings, let yourself experience them.
15. Reach out to others–find a few people that your respect and trust, and pour out your heart.
16. Postpone unnecessary changes–try to hold off on major decisions or unnecessary changes. Allow yourself to grieve and heal.
17. Accept the difficult memories–give your special person the gift of forgiveness.
18. Cherish your fond memories–allow yourself to enjoy all of the wonderful memories you and your special person have shared.

Women’s Center

September 13, 2017

Day 71

Wednesday

I don’t feel good today. Got news that my liver is doing worse again. ALT back up to 900. High normal is 60. Doctor thinks it might be the steroids that caused it. Last night was my last dose of steroids and I’m back to being in pain. We’re doing “music therapy,” which is basically just listening to music about using.

Uplifting.

7pm

Meeting. I can’t believe how crappy I feel. Maybe coffee will help. I tried to start this proposal for the bereaved parents group but I couldn’t concentrate on it. I also forgot to call the kids (well, I was sleeping), which makes me feel like shit. 

It’s roasting in here. I need a shower, but my towels are dirty and I can’t wash them because there are bees in the dryer vents. Yup–bees. I guess they’re getting removed tomorrow.

Goody.

“We can grow in spite of our pain, or, perhaps, because of it.”

9pm

“The cure for grief is motion.”

Megan is joking that she’s going to name her baby “Shaqueefa.”

Funny.

I called Angel in Illinois to see if she would be willing to help out with this grief group thing and she’s on board and already has a bunch of great ideas, so that’s wonderful. She’s great. That gives me hope that it might be possible. I don’t want to do it alone.

September 14th, 2017

Day 72 

Thursday

I feel a bit better today. If Mr. Big (The Big Boss is on vacation) has time today, I have to present him with my proposal. If I’m going to do this grief group, I’m not going to half-ass it. They’re going to have to let me use some form of social media. They’re just going to have to. If I know anything, I know social media is the best way to promote just about everything.

8:30am

There was a fire drill at 5:30am, so I feel like I’ve been up all day already. Welp, gotta do group at 9am, so I’d better do that.

10:30am

Group went well–everyone talked except Chantilly and Elaine, so that’s pretty good. I think I’ll use the same format for my first real grief group. I feel like I should read my grief book more. Crash, who also lost two children, wants to read it, so I’d better hurry up.

“…bereaved parents do not ‘recover’ in the sense of returning to who they were before the death. Instead, they appear to change as they integrate the loss into their lives.”

–Ida M. Martinson

“The  real healing happens when you accept that the pain is always there.”

–Veronica

“When the early ravages of pain subside, a dull ache remains in the far reaches of awareness, a reminder that life can never have that blush of perfection again.”

OMG! Mr. Big just told me that they might want me to be a “Community Leader!”

Cool!

8pm

Bob at the meeting when asked how he is: “Jim Dandy peachy keen!” He’s a good guy. Always wearing overalls and a hat. Hugger.

10pm Called all three of my kids today–no answer at either household.

Forgot to read my Bible today. Let’s see what it says:

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights…”

“This Father who asks you to walk with Him will ask more of you than anyone possibly could–your life, in fact, for the privilege of being on personal terms with the God of the universe.”

September 15th, 2017

Day 73

Friday

We’re watching, “When a Man Loves a Woman.” I love Meg Ryan. 

Yesterday, Mr. Big said, “We’re looking for a couple Community Leaders, and, obviously, you would be one of them.” That “obviously” bothered me all day. Why would I be an obvious choice?

So after the meeting, I asked him about the obviously. Why obviously? He said that it wouldn’t be obvious to me. That personal growth is sometimes only obvious to others, and most of the time only seen in hindsight. He said it’s a good thing.

I guess I’ll take it.

I’ll take the compliment. I wonder what kind of responsibilities come with that. 

The Big Boss says that my possibilities are endless and I just need to be “lifted up.” That feels good to me. Maybe this place will be good for me after all.

The song that’s playing is “Everybody Hurts Sometimes.” We sure do. 

I can’t wait to see how this grief group goes. I can’t believe I have to wait two weeks to see my kids. I have to get that court paperwork done today. I have no money for stamps and envelopes. I’ll have to hand deliver them, I guess. Oh well.

“It’s horrifying how bad you can make yourself feel for being low, and weak.”

–Meg Ryan

We’re still watching the movie. Now she’s making her, “We all deserve a second chance,” speech at the end of the movie after being clean for 184 days. Long movie–two hours. It’s finally over–the kissing and hopefulness at the end. I miss kissing so much. Especially kissing my kids. I make sure to kiss them as often as possible. When I have the opportunity, of course.

Watch: The Case for Christ (according to Mr. Big)

I did a good deed and dyed and cut Elaine’s hair. No one else was willing to help her. Of course I was reading after lunch and fell asleep and slept right through 1pm group. I wonder how that will affect my standing as a Community Leader in-the-running. Not a very good example. And of course it was Mr. Big who woke me up and yelled at me.

Ugh–I’m kind of disgusted with myself about it. And then of course he found out I cut Elaine’s hair–that’s not allowed either. Of course I totally forgot that.

Double ugh.

Anyway–I’m at an AA meeting currently. I called the boys earlier but they didn’t really want to talk–too busy being silly. I don’t know how I’m ever going to do this grief group without ever having access to the computer–there’s always somebody on it.

“We’re all miracles here today.”

“We’ll love you until you love yourself.”