Farewell, John…

September 20th, 2026

Well, I went to my Grandfather’s funeral. 

I have no idea what he died from.

My Grandmother, Kaitlynn, just kept saying, over and over again, at the burial, while clutching me, and staring meaningfully into my eyes with her pain-filled, piercing glance, her eyes shifty, as if off in another World while not looking at me– “He’s not in pain anymore. At least he’s not in pain any more. He’s not suffering–”, she repeated, desperately, intensely.

“He’s not in pain anymore.”

I nodded, knowing the feeling that doesn’t make any fucking sense.

I know the feeling, woman.

The feeling of relief that Death brings.

That nobody understands.

They don’t understand why you are happy when your most Important Person in the World dies. 

It’s the biggest, the most feeling of relief.

Thank You, God, for this Great Blessing.

Because the pain finally stops–we felt the pain too.

When we love someone so much that our souls are connected–we feel the pain too.

And not in a soft, subtle way.

When we look into their eyes, we feel the raging, the all-consuming, unrelenting pain, that causes the suffering that we see, we clearly see, in our loved ones eyes.

The Blackness.

We see The Blackness that has no words to describe.

When your body is begging for Death, and the Pain is Unrelenting, Inexorable, Ruthless pain that is Overwhelming and Overcomes all Meaning on Earth.

The Blackness that says, “Please–please just let me die.”

When we see The Blackness, then we beg God for Death.

Please.

Please release this Great Suffering.

This is unfair, this is too much, please…if I ever prayed for anything I am praying for this now. 

Please, God, release the suffering.

Relieve it in Death.

Please.

It is all I ask from you, as the Person, the Woman, Made in Your Image, Who Loved Him the Most.

Please.

God, grant me this favor, this wish, this hope that strangles me, because I Love Him, and I want Him, but Please, Lord, Let Him Be With You and Let Him Go.

Please.

I am Begging, Lord.

I know the Feeling well.