Pickle Suits and Breaking Zuko’s Heart…

MUNCY STATE PRISON

March 10th, 2025

Monday

5pm

So, I spent the weekend in the POC, whatever that stands for. Generally, it’s for people who are a danger to themselves or others.

I was having a manic episode.

Psychiatric Observation Cell is what the CO just told me.

What a fucking nightmare.

No soap, no toothbrush or toothpaste, get naked and be put in a “pickle suit (basically a blanket that you wear),” no books, no TV.

For three days, until someone from Psych came in.

Thank God for Ativan.

My blood pressure was 150/111, Heart Rate: 127 resting.

I never thought I’d be so happy to see BB Unit at SCI-Muncy.

I hurt Zuko badly while I was manic.

Here is a note she gave me today:

From Zuko’s Journal:

“I’m just sitting there completely shocked, heartbroken + crushed, crying and snotting all over myself, thinking, ‘I’m missing the City match for this.’ 

You HURT me. I’ve been crying for hours, stopping long enough to slog through my job + get pizza.

I have no idea how I can be a better partner for you. I always think about you + wanna make sure you’re OK. If you’re hungry, I cook for you. If you’re cold, I give you everything I have to keep warm. If you’re sad, I try to cheer you up. If you’re tired, I let you sleep. I pay attention to the important stuff in your life. I try to make it clear every day that I love you; not just telling you, but showing you. 

But for some reason, you don’t trust me or believe me.

You doubt me and you think you’re wasting your time with me.

That HURTS.

Why do you think I’m still in love with Tyson??

Cuz I tell you about wtf she’s doing?

I promised I would tell you anything that happens involving her so that nothing is hidden + I’m being upfront + honest about everything. She goes out of her way to be an asshole and talk to my friends. I NEVER seek her out. So am I supposed to tell you everything or not? 

Cuz I’m confused.

At no point were you + I together when her and I were together. There was a solid month in between. I never accuse you of not loving me, + YOU were in a relationship with someone else at the same time we were together. Telling him you love him and whatever TF else you’d say. You go out of your way to talk to him, + your other fuck buddy, + I just deal with it.

No, I don’t like it at all, but I don’t tell you not to do anything, or say you don’t love me.

They are part of the reason you’re locked up and don’t have your kids, of course I don’t like them.

How would you feel if my X was still alive, telling me she loves me + she’s sorry she’s the reason I’m locked up + will never see my dogs again, but we’re gonna get back together? And I take time away from you so I can be with her…how would you feel? 

It’s not fair to me.

But I don’t try to control your life, + I don’t accuse you of not loving me.

You think I’m an asshole cuz I get annoyed about stupid shit.

I warned you and apologized ahead of time that I get irrationally annoyed about shit on my period.

I’m aware it happens, but I can’t stop it.

I would get super annoyed at my dogs for looking at me, + I love them so much I’m doing 20-40 + facing eternal damnation for them.

Of course the people/things that usually get on my nerves are gonna be extra annoying when I’m getting my period. 

I’ll just keep to myself from now on.

I told you about my friend getting killed cuz it was very traumatic for me. And I DID explain how that song and that bitch are related, but I guess you weren’t listening. She loved that song + insisted it be played at our Middle School Dance so she and her cheerleader friends could do some dance they made up. 

I’m trying to share my life with you; the good + the bad.

Do you want me to stop?

Cuz I’ll keep all my hurt + pain to myself + sit there quietly when I’m upset, + you’ll never know who I really am.

I don’t know what you want from me.

I’m doing my best, but you don’t think it’s good enough.

I’m honestly just baffled, + once again, I was happily going about my life loving you, thinking things are going great with us, only to find out you think I’m some hateful asshole that’s still in love with my X, + you think our relationship is a waste of time.

But as much as this hurts, at least you were honest and told me how you feel, so thanks.

*sigh*

Apparently you POC’d yourself.

Martha told me she took you down to Medical.

Why her?

Fuck this whole fucking weekend.

CO Dickey Do refuses to tell me anything, but she somehow is getting all the info/updates about you, so I’m forced to talk to her FAB self. Everyone keeps asking me wtf happened, but I have no idea.

And you know the fucked up part?

As much as you fuckin tore my heart up, I’m still worried about you, hoping you’re OK and warm enough. I’ve been crying off + on for around 36 hours cuz of you, + I STILL love you.

Cuz that’s the type of stupid fucking person I am.

What even happened?

You weren’t back from your visit when I got back from lunch, + I looked for you before I was gonna nap + you were in your bunk sleeping, like we talked about. I have no idea when or if you’re coming back. 

I’m so fucking hurt right now, cuz of you, but I just wanna hug you. 

Cuz I love you, ya fuckin jerk.

Stop hurting me.

I don’t deserve it.

Obsidian did some scouting for me + said you’d be back this afternoon or tom. A.m., + then Officer Colostomy Bag just said, “Your friend is coming back,” outta nowhere while I was getting water.

So you’ll be back when they resume movement.

I’m giving this to you so you know how I feel.

The lyrics and drawing too.

If you think this is a waste of time, fine, then let’s stop wasting time.

And if you wanna be with me, OK, but stop treating me like shit. 

I don’t deserve it + I’m not gonna put up with it.

I do nothing but love you, + if that’s not enough, so be it.”

My reply:

“It’s a hell of a thing to not be able to trust your own brain. 

If you don’t trust me, I completely understand.

I don’t trust me.

I have learned the hard way that I am at times irrational and even delusional when I seem completely normal. 

I feel like I don’t deserve you. 

I have a lot of flaws–one of which is that I’m more broken than I’d like to admit.

I know in my heart that you are doing the best that you can.

I don’t know how to say I’m sorry so that you will believe me.

There’s nothing I can do about my expressionless face.

That’s just my face.

I wish I could kiss and hug you.

I love you so much.

I don’t know what else to say.

I’m sorry.

My brain lies to me sometimes. 

Other times it tries to kill me.

I can’t help it.

If I knew what caused it, I would prevent it.

It helps me if people near me tell me when I’m being irrational, because I don’t know. 

If you can’t do this, I completely understand.

I don’t want to be the one abusing you.

I love you.”

Here’s a Fiona Apple song that Zuko included called “Oh Well.”

“What you did to me made me see

Myself something different

Though I try to talk sense to myself,

But I just won’t listen.

Won’t you go away, turn yourself in, you’re no good at confession.

Before the image that you burn me in

Tries to teach you a lesson.

What you did to me made me see

Myself something awful.

A voice of stentorian (loud, powerful) is now again

Meek and muffled.

It took me such a long time to get back up

The first time you did it.

Spent all I had to get it back + now it seems 

I’ve been outbidded.

My peace and quiet was stolen from me,

When I was looking with calm affection, 

You were searching out my imperfections.

What wasted unconditional love

On somebody who doesn’t believe in the stuff.

You came upon me like a hypnic jerk

When I was just about settled.

When it counts, you recoil with a cryptic word,

And leave love belittled.

On what a cold + common old way to go

When I was feeding the need for you to 

Know me.

Devastated at the rate you fell

Below me.

What wasted unconditional love,

On somebody who doesn’t believe in the stuff.

Oh well.”

Then she drew a drawing that had two emoji’s–one smiley-faced one with hearts for eyes that is her and saying, “You’re beautiful and I love you so much!” with a cloud bubble above her head thinking, “I love holding her hand, I gotta do it the special way, so I don’t accidentally hurt her.” 

And then there’s me, with a nothing expression on my face–mouth in a straight line–thinking, “She’s such an asshole.”

March 12th, 2025

Wednesday

8:25am

I have a mandatory PRT mental health appointment at 9am. They’re probably going to ask me why I said I was fine the other day when I saw them and then had a mental break.

Oh well.

Things between me and Zuko seem better. 

That was really rough.

I was afraid she was going to break up with me.

She almost did.

I have to learn how to communicate better. 

She needs more from me than I’m giving her.

9:51am

PRT went fine. The people basically just wanted to know what happened, so I told them.

I have to clean the bathroom in a few minutes.