Categories
Life Uncategorized

Colin Kaepernick and All the Yucky Love Stuff

MUNCY STATE PRISON

February 24th, 2025

Monday 

9:15pm

Well–it must be official that Zuko and I are in a relationship because I got moved downstairs today.

Fuck.

The rumor mill says it was Bambi and Martha who complained to the cops about us. It wouldn’t surprise me at all. Cinnamon and her girlfriend got separated too. Different floors, different bathrooms, different roommates. My one new roommate is obsessed with Mel Gibson, so Zuko calls her Melanie Gibson. She has pictures of cats, trucks, and Mel Gibson next to her bed.

Weird.

Zuko has an adorable hand signal she uses to say “I love you” to me. She does it all the time.

February 26th, 2025

Wednesday

11:29am

Yesterday I had my one-on-one with parole, where you meet with an on-site parole agent and go through your entire criminal history. It took an hour and was exhausting. I have a Cosmo appointment today to get my hair cut and maybe dyed brown. I don’t know if I have enough Cosmo tickets to get it dyed. Right now it’s half blonde and half dark brown. I guess we’ll see at 1:10pm. 

I never get to kiss Zuko anymore. 

I miss her.

Look up: Caring Collectively for Women Prisoners and Interrupting Criminalization

Book:

Abolition for the People

Edited by Colin Kaepernick

P. 152

The Trump era has provided some of the starkest examples of this dynamic. Throughout the Trump presidency, Trump and his associates were able to break the law and violate the Constitution–including documented crimes against humanity–in full view of the public while he proclaimed himself the upholder of law and order. Wealthy celebrities involved in the college admissions bribery scandal have gotten away with a slap on the wrist for orchestrating a multimillion dollar scheme while a dozen NYPD officers surrounded a Black teenager, guns drawn, for the ‘crime’ of failing to pay $2.75 for a subway ride.

The propaganda that depicts this type of policing as being essential to public safety and order is fundamentally classist and anti-Black. It traces its roots to the Black Codes that were passed immediately after the Civil War to control the movements of newly freed Black people. It relies on the racist assumptions that Black people would run amok and pose a threat to the larger society if not kept under the constant surveillance of a police force that has authority to kill them if deemed necessary, and with virtual impunity. That’s why we are inundated with a narrative that depicts the police officer who regularly patrols predominantly Black communities as being an essential part of maintaining order in society.”

P. 176

“The 13th Amendment ensured the continuation of slavery by another name–in the guise of the carceral state. Today, prisons are the third-largest employers in the nation, according to sociologist Loic Wacquant–and Black people are, once again, its currency. The consequences of this barbarity are suffered in incalculable ways by the disproportionately Black American and Latino people housed in these cages and their families.

Ironically, the consequences are also suffered by the managers and employees of this gargantuan apparatus, who ostensibly benefit from it. The daily duties of the foot soldiers of the prison industrial complex are to control and contain, with repressive violence, other human beings–those at the bottom of society. Not surprisingly, higher incidences of suicide/domestic violence, and substance abuse are reported among prison guards and police officers.

In the final analysis, can a country that professes to be the land of the free, but which holds 25 percent of the world’s prisoners and only 4 percent of the world’s population, truly reflect its promise of happiness and democracy?”

P. 184

“According to community organizers and the ACLU, ‘nearly 60 percent of people in women’s prisons nationwide, and as many as 94 percent of some women’s prison populations, have a history of physical or sexual abuse before being incarcerated,’ Additionally, ‘Women of color and low-income women are disproportionately affected by mandatory arrest policies for domestic violence.

Of survivors in a New York City study who had been arrested along with their abusers (dual arrest cases) or arrested as a result of a complaint lodged by their abuser (retaliatory arrest cases), 66 percent were African American or Latina, 43 percent were living below the poverty line, and 19 percent were receiving public assistance at the time.

Carceral institutions further this violence by punishing community members who are already survivors of racial colonial wars, genocide, poverty, systemic violence, white supremacy, anti-Blackness, and gender-based violence.”

9:30pm

I got my hair cut three inches, dyed brown, and straightened. Zuko’s reaction was that she walked into a table because she was looking at me. She really likes it. The she made me a “Sprout’s Mixed Tape” on her tablet, with all of the songs on it that I write lyrics to in my notes to her. 

She’s incredibly sweet.

I love her.

I haven’t gotten to kiss her yet today, which is torture. We’re supposed to meet in the downstairs bathroom at 9:45pm, but the CO hasn’t done his round and shut the upstairs bathroom yet.

Our Mixed Tape Date got interrupted earlier by the mental health person from BA side calling me in for parole stuff. Stuff about my kids and my mental health.
Stupid interruption.

Zuko was really worried, but it wasn’t a big deal. Now that we’re on the radar, bad things are happening.

It’s 9:47pm

Ugh.

February 27th, 2025

Thursday

8:08am

Book: 

Abolition for the People–Edited by Colin Kaepernick

P. 205

“Participating in the electoral process is about creating policies such as decarceration for marijuana and other drug use, ending pretrial detention and cash money bail, stopping rent hikes to prevent homelessness, and the BREATHE Act to end police violence and invest in a new vision of public safety. It is also the creation of programs that prevent violence through community-led efforts of violence intervention like the Credible Messenger and Cure Violence models.

It is the creation of community-based services that tackle the effects of poverty and its criminalization by creating community land trusts and housing cooperatives, worker-owned and cooperatively led businesses that get at the root cause of economic injustice, instead of building more prisons and jails to lock up poor, Black, and mentally ill people for profit and to legitimize the need for warlike city police. It is beautifully about a Vision for Black Lives, a comprehensive and visionary policy agenda endorsed by over fifty Black-led organizations.”

THE END

9:09pm

Zuko wrote me: 

Good morning,  my [not ownership, we choose each other] beautiful Love ♥️🙂

I was gonna write you some last night, but I fell asleep. I love you so much Sweetheart. I’m so grateful for every moment we get together. Your smile lights up my soul + I know you can see it when you look into my eyes. I love holding each other in our arms when we hug + kiss. We fit together perfectly, + it feels amazing. ♥️I’m sorry your bones hurt sometimes. I would kiss every one of them (even your tiny ear bones!) if I could so you’d feel better ♥️ And I’d give you my blood + bone marrow stuff + even my kidney to help you. I love you. I’d do anything for you Sprout, you’re my penguin. 🙂

I would build you a pebble nest…with my face. Lol. 

People keep telling me they were concerned about who I was sitting with because they didn’t recognize you. Lol. It’s fine. I’m cheating on my gf w/my gf. 😛 They all say you look nice. Agreed. 🙂You look run-into-a-table-hot 😛I miss being able to kiss you and touch you like we used to. My fingers ache to feel your body. I want to feel you against me + kiss you so passionately. You are sexy AF, no matter what you do with your hair. You’re an amazing kisser + I can’t get enough of you. I can’t believe how lucky I am to be yours. All yours. I give myself to you. I can’t wait to make love together. Holy fuck that’s gonna be good 🙂. 

Over + over + over again. ♥️ 

*sigh*

I love you Baby. 

♥️

So fucking much. 

 I gotta go get ready for our date. 🙂I’m gonna put my foot on yours and do it so hard. Lmao.

I love you Sprout. You have my heart.

♥️,

Meeeeeeeeee 🙂

I wrote her back, but gave it to her before I could write it down.

All the love stuff. 

🙂

Categories
Life Uncategorized

Lies By Omission, Breakups, and Audre Lorde

February 19th, 2025

Wednesday

Muncy State Prison

8:42pm

So, Zuko and I are sitting downstairs a little bit ago, and Cricket comes up to us and starts talking about how she tried to give the note Zuko wrote to Tyson to her, but she wouldn’t take it. 

WHAT??!!

WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING TALKING ABOUT?!

She’s writing her?

This, coming from the woman who wants a monogamous fucking relationship with me??

So I’m silent after Cricket leaves, and Zuko makes some stupid comment about the movie we’re watching.

Silence.

She says, “Are we fighting?” and then starts talking about how people have been coming up to her saying that Tyson looks like shit, and she was supposed to have some surgery, and she was just checking to see if Tyson was okay.

Jesus Fucking Christ.

All that’s running through my head is:

“THIS IS WHY I DON’T DO MONOGAMY. THIS IS WHY I DON’T DO MONOGAMY.”

It’s the sneaky, lie-by-omission, underhanded, back-door, super-secret-BULLSHIT that I ALWAYS try to AVOID!!

I say, “You should have told me first. If you don’t want to be in a relationship, then let’s not be in a relationship.”

She splutters and says she does want to be in a relationship, but everyone told her not to be so honest, and she’s sorry, and bla, bla.

I say it’s fine, but she’s the one keeping this relationship with Tyson going, not Tyson, like she said.

Is she addicted to drama or something?

Chaos?

Jesus fucking Christ. 

Who knows.

This is a note she handed to me earlier:

Hey there, Beautiful, 

I don’t have a lot of time to write you, cuz I’ve been busy doing awesome Zuko shit all day. 🙂 But I wanted you to know that I’m always thinkin’ of you + I love you. 

A lot.

I love how much fun we have together + that we can have intelligent conversations together, + fuck you’re so fuckin’ sexy. It’s hard to keep my hands and lips off you, cuz they’d be all over you all of the time if it was possible. 

I loved what you wrote.

Please continue. 🙂 I’d love to have you on me, you’re sexy AF Babe. I wanna be as close as fucking possible to you. You’re so fuckin’ hot + I definitely want you on top of me. 🙂

We’re gonna have Earth shattering sex when I get outta here. And then we can get married for the 4,729th time. 🙂 

I choose you every day, Sprout.

Thanks for choosing me too.

I’m all yours, as long as you’ll have me. 

I gotta go!

I don’t wanna be late and keep you waiting. 

I love you.

♥️

All of that rings kind of hollow now. I mean, she did jump out of the relationship with Tyson and into one with me really fast.

We should have taken a break first.. 

Maybe we should take one now.

February 20th, 2025

Thursday

8:53am 

Book:

“Abolition for the People”

Edited by Colin Kaepernick

P. 122

“According to the World Health Organization, incarceration is detrimental to mental health due to ‘ various forms of violence,’ enforced solitude, or, conversely, lack of privacy, lack of meaningful activity, isolation from social networks, insecurity about future prospects (work, relationships, etc.) and inadequate mental health services..’”

P. 123

“For the master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house. They may allow us temporarily to beat him at his own game, but they will never enable us to bring about genuine change. And this fact is only threatening to those women who still define the master’s house as their only source of support,”

—Audre Lorde

P. 151-152

“Roughly a quarter of all bailiff’s, correctional officers, and jailers are Black yet there’s no indication that diversifying the staff of a racist institution results in less violence and death for those who are held within it. That’s because the institution continues to operate as designed. It is not ‘broken,’ as reformists are fond of saying. The fallacy is in believing the function of police and prisons is to mete out punishment and justice in an equitable manner and not to first and foremost serve as a means of maintaining the race, gender, and class hierarchy of an oppressive society.

Believing that the system is ‘broken’ rather than functioning exactly as intended requires a certain adherence to White supremacist and anti-Black beliefs. One has to ignore the rampant amount of violence, fraud, and theft being committed by some of the most powerful figures in society with little to no legal consequences while massive amounts of resources are devoted to the hyper-policing of the poor for infractions as minor as trespassing, shoplifting, and turnstile jumping at subway stations,”

Zuko wrote me:

 
Good morning Love.

IDK when you’ll be awake + I’ll get to give this to you, but I wanted to write you anyway. If I mess shit up, I want to to be because I made the wrong choice, not cuz  I listened to other people. 

Like right now.

I’m gonna ignore Wolfy telling me that I over-explain things + to just let shit go. I wanna make sure you know how I feel + where I’m coming from, so that there’s no assuming + so I’m being open + honest with you. 

(Yup, I’m learning from you + the book you’re reading. 🙂)

You’re right: not everyone is gonna like me, + I need to be OK with that. And I need to stop worrying (catastrophizing?) about the future or stressing about the past. I want to learn every day and grow every day so I can be the best version of myself.

The gamer in me calls it “Leveling Up.” 🙂

I was taking advice from others (inmates) cuz I haven’t been successful in my relationships. 

So, logically, I need to look at myself to figure out what I’m doing wrong. Maybe those people (xgfs) were just assholes + they didn’t love me. And I have an addiction to alcohol, which fucked things up too.

Basically, I have to look at myself, and evaluate things. I signed up for the Healthy Relationships group months ago, so hopefully I get in that group + it’s helpful. I wanna be a better person, for myself + for you. 🙂

I know we talked about this last night, but I wanna make sure I get this all out clearly. 

I do not ever want to get back with her, and I honestly don’t even see us being friends. But I don’t want her as an enemy either, cuz I want her to leave you, me + my friends alone. It’s really hard for me to be an asshole on purpose, so I need to learn how to balance things better. It’s not my responsibility to make sure she’s OK, especially since she hates me.

I do not want to be with anyone besides  you. I love you + everything about you. 🙂I’m a one woman kind of woman. You + only you, get all of my love and affection. Life has been great since we decided to let our friendship evolve. 🙂 You make my heart happy too. You said something like, “This just feels right, + I have to trust that.”

I agree.

Fuk all that dumb advice people have given me. I like being honest about everything + that’s what I’m sticking with. Thank you for not quitting on me + all this monogamous gay shit you’re doing with me. ♥️I love you. Thank you for letting me learn + grow with you. Thank you for loving me. 🙂

I think that was everything I wanted to say. 

I’ve gotten interrupted by girthy banana dicks, school, Bundo on her knees “waiting for Daddy to cum” … * insert disgusted face.*

This is why it takes me so long to focus + write you, I’m sorry. 

Plus, I get distracted daydreaming about you 🙂. Holding your hand (carefully), kissing you, touching you, that one time on Vday 🙂, laughing and joking with you, listening to you talk when you’re passionate about something, looking into your beautiful eyes, seeing your pretty smile, I love you.

I’m sorry again that I wasn’t honest with you, + I’m sorry for hurting you.

Okay, I’m done now. Sorry for apologizing so much 😝 I love you, Thank you for sharing how you were feeling with me. 

I had so much fun on our date (after we got past the whole break thing + your phone call. You’re a heartbreaker.). Jimmy Timmy Smith-Jones will never be a triangle!! 

Lmao I love you so much. 🙂 I have the best time with you.

Your awesome level + my awesome level = fucking amazing. 🙂

OK. Food. See you soon.

I love you Sprout.

♥️

Me