Tag: Mental Health

Categories
Life Uncategorized

Forgiveness, Cougars, and Gangbangers?

WOMEN’S CENTER

May 3rd, 2018

Thursday

Day 304

2pm

The new woman, Sandra, isn’t doing so hot. She threw up this morning and now has a migraine that won’t go away. It’s about 80 degrees out today. It’s hard to believe it was snowing two weeks ago. I have a kidney infection brewing, I just know it. I told Big, but my doctor wants lab work, and we’re not going to Coudersport again until Tuesday. I’m so pissed. I just need a fucking antibiotic! 

Ugh.

In any case, I guess I’ll read this Forgiveness book:

  1. Sin creates a deficit in God’s economy because whenever there is sin, something is taken or demanded from the sinner. Historically, whenever human beings sin against God, He provides a channel through which fellowship can be established and maintained. 

Atonement means “to cover.”

More than retribution, God wants to fellowship with us. 

A major hindrance to the ability to experience God’s forgiveness is the unwillingness to accept God’s frame of reference concerning sin and the individual’s inability to do anything about it.

“Through His name everyone who believes in Him receives forgiveness of sins.”  –Acts 10:43

10:30pm

I’m supposed to be sleeping, but I can’t. The air is warm and wet, and all I can hear are the peepers outside peeping to each other. It’s nights like this that I would stay up and write because there’s just the right amount of solitude and inspiration in the air. But alas, I cannot, and will be forced to turn my light out soon.

At the meeting tonight I talked about pain. The pain in my body because of the damp weather and the pain in my heart for my drunk sister. Tori talks of how she is afraid to leave and I can’t wait to be anywhere but here. Nikolai may be getting an apartment in Roulette, by the sounds of it. Tori has been refusing to consider Roulette as an option because we have no vehicle and there is nothing but a post office and a small convenience store. I hate Roulette, but I would love to be close to Tiger. I’d give anything for her to be able to walk to my house if she wanted to. 

Maybe I’ll talk more to Tori about it.

I guess I’ll try to sleep rather than wait for the staff to yell at me about my light.

11:30pm

Can’t sleep.

These visions of sexcapades past keep dancing through my head. I think it’s because it’s one of those nights that would be fantastic to stay up all night making love. 

So quiet and peaceful.

The air is thick with humidity, but it’s cool enough that it’s not sticky. 

Just the right temperature to roll around with somebody special and play and have fun.

Which makes me think of Tori. Not having sex with her, but the fact that the sexual harassment at work is such that she’s allowing people to touch her now inappropriately and acts as if she is a small child and is powerless to stop it. It makes me mad on some level that she won’t stand up for herself; but sad too, because she was horribly sexually abused as a child. Her bipolar disorder is manifesting itself more severely than normal now too, I think because she actually feels on some level as if she IS a child.

She says she never grew up. 

I told her that now is the time.

She refuses to assert herself, always with a smile on her face, no matter what she actually feels inside. 

One man at work in particular, Bill, is exploiting her niceness and it makes me boil inside. 

My hand hurts too much to keep writing. 

More later, probably.

12:30am

Still can’t sleep. I got up to pee, and while walking back to my room, through the glass doors I saw a deer glide silently across the parking lot, ever reminding me that she is free, and I sit in a cage. 

While I was lying awake I was aspiring to the future and dreaming a dream. Here’s my dream: I’d like to (with my millions of dollars) buy that giant Adelphia building in the middle of Coudersport and turn it into a Vet Tech School with a free emergency animal hospital in it.

Wouldn’t that be amazing?

It would revitalize Coudersport, as well as help the community and the animals in it. As it stands, there is one tiny vet clinic in Coudersport that does not take emergencies.

I wonder what the PCAAP (Potter County Animal Assistance Project) people would think of this idea…they’re sitting on a couple million dollars…hmmmmm.

They pay to spay and neuter stray animals and the animals of people who cannot afford to have their animals spayed and neutered (like me). 

I miss my cats.

I have a feeling that my rat is dead.

He had two cancerous lumps when I left a year ago.

Poor thing.

I have to get Kidowed published somehow. I can’t wait to get the fuck out of here.

The End.

Try to sleep again.

I’m surprised they haven’t yelled at me yet.

May 4th, 2018

Day 305

Friday

6am

I slept like shit last night. Woke up about a hundred times. I’m in some pain today–my hands are hurting. I guess I’ll read my forgiveness book.

12pm

Great. 

I have no idea what I did but Big says he’s “disappointed” in me. Just said that and walked away. 

Jesus Christ what the fuck did I do NOW???!!!!

He’s so judgmental I can’t stand it. Way to fuck up my day.

Well, I found out.

Big’s mad at me because I apparently was “fraternizing” with Nick, a guy I know that showed up at the meeting last night. I gave the kid a hug, for God’s sake.

Fuck.

I can’t win.

Nick was at the meeting because he brought Harley, who is in love with Tori, who actually IS fraternizing with him. I also hugged three other guys last night, but he doesn’t seem to care about that!

Fuck!

Then he called me a cougar, which is funny, because Nick is 15 years younger than me. 

What the fuck.

I can’t win with this guy. 

It’s NA!!

WE HUG!!

There’s something I’m missing to this, because I’ve been hugging guys in front of Big for months, and he never cared before Nick. 

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…………..I know Nick has the reputation of being a playboy, but please.

5:30pm

We got another new lady–Brenda. She seems to have no sort of personality whatever–I guess we’ll see.

Oh crap, the weather just got super nasty–there’s a tornado warning. Now we don’t get to go to a meeting or smoke for the rest of the night.

Blech.

8pm

In-house NA meeting. Brenda is very young–not even 20 years old yet, she said. She’s one of those people who you can’t tell her intelligence level because her mouth is hanging open all of the time. I know she’s on Lithium, because I saw some of her meds out in the Med Room. She’s probably bipolar. 

Like the rest of us.

In any case, my medication to treat my Hep-C came in today, I’ll start it tomorrow. It’s an 8-week treatment, and it’s supposed to work for over 90% of people, to be curative.

10:30pm

Hanging out with Tori–now we’re talking about sex. Sex with Nick specifically. Jolene is after him and says she hears he’s hung like a horse.

Hm.

I’d rather not think about it–it just frustrates me. 

I just asked Tori where Kat and the other Residential Worker went and she said, “Probably tongue punching each other’s fart box.”

She’s so funny.

I don’t know where she comes up with this shit.

Jolene’s talking about Bloods and Crips and gangbangers. 

I guess I don’t know anything about that. 

May 5th, 2018

Day 306

Saturday

12pm

Brenda seems to be doing better today–she helped with planting seeds for the garden. I’m a little worried about her–she seems like a child.

I miss my Tiger.

I wonder how she’s doing. 

I miss being a Vet Tech.

I miss everything from my old life.

I guess I’ll read this forgiveness book instead of wallowing in self-pity.

7pm

Off to a meeting in Coudersport. Tori’s pissed that we’re not going to Galeton because she was going to get cigarettes from Harley and told him to go to Galeton. I guess he also went shopping for clothes for her…I don’t see how she would have gotten any of them back to the Center, but whatev.

May 6th, 2018

Day 307

Sunday

2am

Can’t sleep. 

Fire whistle went off and then of course tons of sirens to follow. At the meeting last night Brash and one of the women he fucks showed up, him with the dog he abuses and a boa constrictor around his neck.

Gawd.

Self-centered much?

I need to stop being so judgmental. 

When we got back I finished my book on forgiveness–good book, although super religious. It suggests that you should make lists of all of the people you have bitterness towards and what they did to you, and then pretend you are face to face with them and go through a series of steps in order to forgive them and emotionally release them so that you might be set free. 

I guess Brash and his Bitches would be on my list–they helped land me here.

Oh, great–they just told me I have to turn off my light. 

Why is some of the staff cool and then others suck?

I hope I can sleep.

I guess the dude who used to work the night shift was going to get fired, so he quit. He was doing drugs with Jolene not so long ago, and word got out.

Okay, good night.

Categories
Life Uncategorized

Homophobia and The War On Women

December 30th, 2024

Monday

2:40pm

Tiger didn’t answer the phone when I called her for her birthday. The boys went to her party and said it was nice, so that’s good.

Zuko and I have been getting a lot of comments about us being together. She tells me that several people have told her they’re “Team Jess.” I laughed it off and thought that probably Zuko’s friends just don’t want her to be with nasty bitch Tyson, who reminds me of a satanic, abusive little elf, but then Daisy said that I’m giving Zuko the wrong impression, like I’m leading her on by being her friend. I have a hard time believing that. We’re just friends and I’ve made it clear to Zuko that I’m not gay. 

Then again, I feel like everybody is a little gay, and what if we were together? 

Who cares? 

Zuko has made it clear that she prefers monogamy, so it wouldn’t work anyway, but what’s the big deal?

Is Daisy a homophobe?

I just don’t understand. 

Daisy says that Zuko is using me to make Tyson jealous.

Hm. 

December 31st, 2024

Tuesday

3:29pm

Today Zuko took all of her notes and stuff from Tyson and put them in a bucket and poured water all over the whole mess. Then she ripped them up and threw them out. When I walked into the bathroom in the middle of this, she said, “Of course you would come in here.”

I don’t know what that means.

In other news, I got called into the new counselor’s office (used to be Ms. Reese, now Mr. Burns) because he was doing my parole vote sheet. He asked where I was going if I got out. I said I have to go to the Potter County Women’s Center. He said there was nothing like that on my status sheet and asked who told me that. 

I said a judge.

Then he said, “I hate getting these cases that are all fucked up,” and told me I could leave.

Okay, whatever dude.

Book:

“Gates of Injustice: The Crisis in America’s Prisons” by Alan Elsner © 2006

Excerpts:

P. 25

“‘Jails and prisons have become the final destination for the mentally ill in America–it’s the most pressing issue facing psychiatry today,’ said Steven Lamberti, a psychiatrist at the University of Rochester.

In 2000, the BJS estimated that around 16 percent of inmates in state prisons were mentally ill–191,000 individuals. Adding the federal prison system and county jails dramatically raises that number, probably to at least 300,000. With such numbers, an unbiased outsider could be forgiven for concluding that being mentally ill has itself become a crime in the United States.

In recent years, women have been the fastest growing sector of the prison system. For most of the 20th century, the United States had incarcerated only around 5,000 to 10,000 women. The number held in the state prisons passed the 100,000 mark in 2003. By mid-2004, the BJS found over 190,000 women held in prisons and jails, more than double the 1990 figure. Notes criminologist Meda Chesney-Lind, ‘The war against drugs was a largely unannounced war on women.’

Statistically, African American women were two-and-a-half times more likely than Hispanics and five times more likely than Hispanics and five times more likely as whites to end up behind bars. Even more alarmingly, around 65 percent of women in state prisons had children under 18; around 5 percent were pregnant when they entered.”

P. 26

“Children are some of the saddest invisible casualties of the U.S. prison binge. The BJS, in 2000, estimated that 721,500 of America’s prisoners, excluding jail inmates, were parents of at least one child, while at least 1.5 million children had a parent in prison. One in every 14 black children has a parent in prison on any given day, but of course, over the duration of an entire childhood, the figure is much higher. Children whose parents are incarcerated experience a broad range of problems, including rage, guilt, low self-esteem and depression. They are more likely to live in poverty, more likely to suffer abuse at the hands of caregivers, more likely to fail at school, more likely to take drugs and more likely to end up in juvenile jail. Half of all juveniles in custody have a parent or close relative in prison.”

6:50pm

Great. Zuko’s girlfriend is creating a lot of drama. 

Involving me.

People are saying Daisy should go to Med Line with me to protect me. 

Fuck that. 

This is great.

7:25pm

I survived Med Line. No one even said anything to me. I have a sneaking suspicion that Zuko likes drama.

I don’t.

She apologized to me in the bathroom.

I’ll never understand abusive relationships.

P. 29

“By 2000, over 650,000 prisoners a year were being released on parole or after completing their terms. A large number remained addicted to drugs and alcohol. Those who sincerely wanted to go straight faced crushing obstacles to rebuilding their lives. Many jobs and housing options were permanently closed to them; many social benefits were permanently denied. Little surprise that a BJS study found that over two-thirds of those released were rearrested within three years, either for parole violations or for new crimes.

While states struggled, thousands of businesses got fat off supplying prisons. As early as 1994, the Wall Street Journal proclaimed the birth of a ‘prison-industrial complex.’ The law enforcement technology industry, which produces high-tech items like the latest stab-proof vests, helmets, stun guns, sheilds, batons and chemical agents, is worth over $1 billion a year. With 2.3 million people engaged in catching criminals and putting and keeping them behind bars, accounting for a monthly payroll of $8.1 billion, the ‘correctional industry’ had become one of the largest sectors of the U.S. economy, employing more people than the combined worldwide workforces of General Motors, Ford and Wal-Mart, the three biggest corporate employers in the country. If a nation was defined by what it produced, the United States had become a prison nation.”

P. 32

“In the summer of 1971, four young professors conducted one of the most famous psychological studies ever devised–the Stanford Prison Experiment. The researchers, Philip Zimbardo, Craig Haney, W. Curtis Banks and David Jaffe, transformed a section in the basement of Stanford University’s psychology department into a mock prison.”

How It Worked

24 male college students volunteered.

They were randomly assigned to be either guards or prisoners.

A mock prison was set up in Stanford’s psychology department basement.

The study was planned to last two weeks.

Guards were given uniforms, mirrored sunglasses (to prevent eye contact), and authority. Prisoners were arrested at home, fingerprinted, and given numbers instead of names.

⚠️ What Happened

Things escalated quickly:

Guards began displaying authoritarian and abusive behaviors.

Prisoners showed signs of extreme stress, anxiety, and depression.

Some prisoners had emotional breakdowns within days.

Guards enforced humiliating punishments and psychological intimidation.

The environment became so intense that the experiment was terminated after only 6 days.

Outcome & Conclusions

Zimbardo concluded that:

Situational forces and social roles can strongly influence behavior.

Ordinary individuals can engage in cruel behavior when placed in positions of power.

Institutional settings (like prisons) can foster dehumanization.

The study became one of the most famous demonstrations of the power of social situations over individual personality.

P. 126-127

“In California, the State Auditor reported in 2001 that it cost the state $3.2 million a year to collect $5 co-payments for every visit to a prison doctor, while the program only generated $654,000 in income.”

P. 133

“In the past decade, women have been the fastest growing segment of the U.S. prison population. The number of women incarcerated in prisons or jails more than doubled, from 44,065 in 1990 to 103,310 by midyear 2004. Since 1995, the number of women in state or federal prisons has grown by an average of 5 percent a year–much higher than the 3.3 percent yearly increase in the male population.

9:55pm

Lights out.

People around here are saying they’re staying up for New Years. Two hours left of 2024.
Good riddance.

Martha made us party hats that say, “Happy New Year, bitches.”

I feel bad for Zuko.

She says she has to get out of this relationship carefully so she doesn’t get shipped to Cambridge Springs. 

Daisy says we have to come up with three resolutions for the new year–one spiritual, on physical, and one emotional. 

Emotional–be more emotionally vulnerable and open.

Physical–exercise at least once weekly.

Spiritual–pray more–once daily.

Categories
Life Uncategorized

The Rumor Mill and TIger’s Birthday

MUNCY STATE PRISON

December 23rd, 2024

Monday

9pm

I had Paul look up Lolita on the internet. She may not have died by suicide. [2025 update–she did] It’s under investigation. But that’s what they always say when someone here dies. A lot of rumors are swirling around. People are saying that she fell and hit her head, and then nobody checked on her. She was dead at 6:15am, but they didn’t come to get her until 9:30am. 

I wonder why.

Zuko says she would feel a little better if it wasn’t on purpose, if her last moments weren’t filled with hopelessness and despair.

I don’t know.

Is neglect better than suicide?

Is a preventable death better than on purpose?

We got a new cellie today. She gossips a lot, and imitates the Vietnamese lady down the tier.

Hm.

She says she leaves in three weeks.

December 28th, 2024

Saturday

Tiger’s birthday. 

Neither she nor the boys answered the phone.

Daisy thanked me for being her friend today.

We did 80s makeup.

I’ll take it.

Categories
Life Uncategorized

Lolita…

December 20th, 2024

Friday

12:04am

I can’t sleep. I’ve been basically sleeping for a week, so Daisy made me (I was willing) drink a bunch of coffee to get out of my funk, which worked, but now I can’t sleep. Commissary tomorrow, so I’ll have my own coffee and I won’t be forced to share it with Swiper, because she left. Thank God for that, but now we have to worry about who we’ll get to replace her. At least I have a lock now, for my locker. Ironically, Swiper gave me hers, so I couldn’t use it while she was here because, obviously, she knew the combination. 

I’m glad she’s gone and I hope she doesn’t come back.

I wonder if I’ll sleep at all tonight. I told Stryder that I was going to write Sassypants a letter and send it to him so he could send it to her. I have a virtual visit with him tomorrow afternoon.

Boy, there are farts galore this time of night. At least Swiper’s not here to announce every single one.

People fart, lady.

Get over it.

I wonder if she’ll keep stealing things, which is what got her in prison four times. My feeling is yes. I’ve been really depressed about another Christmas in jail. And next Christmas too. I still can’t believe my stupid lawyer said he didn’t know what I was talking about when I mentioned petitioning the court for a shorter stay at the Women’s Center.

Asshole.

No word on Cool. I take it he’s in a permanently psychotic state these days. Paranoid schizophrenic, they say. 

I can’t say I’m surprised.

Sad, but not surprised.

The new lady next door, Sondra, calls me Pearl, for reasons unknown. She says it’s off some 70s TV show. She’s still up too, watching TV. I wish I had a TV, but it’s too expensive to ask anyone for. Nobody has an extra $230 laying around, except maybe my parents, and they’re too stingy with money to ask.

I’m afraid this place, this system, is breaking my spirit. I think about the writing I did in 2007-08, when I wrote Kidowed during and after Kaylee’s death, and I still had a sense of humor. I don’t anymore, it seems. I used to be funny, seemingly effortlessly, even during those dark times, as if I still had hope that things would be better in the future if I just could get through this part. But it didn’t. Not for the next 17 years it didn’t.

How much can one person take?

I don’t have any hope for the future anymore. I don’t even believe that I have the smallest iota of control over my life anymore. I used to believe I was in charge of my life, and that I made the good things in my life happen. 

Now, that idea seems monumentally stupid.

Now, life seems very random and luck-based. Self-determination seems like an oxymoron. In this Short Reads class I’m going to on Tuesdays, there is this teacher who says she doesn’t believe in God. My problem is that I believe in God, but I don’t like Him or trust Him, because he has treated me like he hates me. Why does nothing good ever happen to me? My life is just misery following misery. I wonder if people who commit suicide don’t believe in Hell, or they believe in it, but figure that it must be better than this shithole life? Eternal burning in hellfire sounds better than life on Earth? 

I can believe it these days.

December 21st, 2024

Saturday

7:02pm

Cool came home to my parent’s house. Apparently he’s staying in the apartment most of the time. Seems weird to me that he came home to not be alone, and is now isolating himself. I had hoped things would become more normal if he was around family. He brought his dog, who he renamed Falcore from Sunshine.

Hm.

I’d be interested to see what he’s posting on social media now that he’s home. I hope he doesn’t act like a crazy wacko in front of the kids.

December 22nd, 2024

Sunday

11:55am

It is rumored that Lolita came back to prison after only being gone for four days, and that she may have killed herself today. There was a weird lockdown and everything was running late, and Zuko just told me in the bathroom. I heard that he was back with new charges a couple of days ago, and that she was “freaking out” in the Infirmary, but then I didn’t hear anything after that.

She gave me her eyeshadow when she left.

I’m wearing it today.

4:08pm

It’s true.

Lolita killed herself.

Zuko cried. 

I hugged her for a long time.

I’m incredibly sad.

After all that she had survived, she died all alone in a cinderblock cell…Zuko kept saying, “I wish somebody would have helped her…there’s no help here…(sob).”

This place will crush your soul…although it sounded more like it blasted hers to smithereens. There’s rumors of screaming and blood and a broken window…I wonder if the shattering of a soul makes the same noise as a window spider-webbing into a million pieces…

It’s inconceivable that such small buildings can house so much pain…you’d think they’d just burst apart with the weight of it.

But instead, people’s brains crack in half, and their spirits snap too. 

I wonder how such a monumental happening could not make a noise?

I wonder if she cried, 

Or if there was a steely resolve, 

When she decided to die, 

Instead of living

In this brick and mortar cage.

When she took her last breath, 

Was she relieved?

Was she finally free?

Sometimes I wonder

How the Earth doesn’t shift on its axis

Every time a soul gives up

They talk about strength, resilience, 

And the indomitable human spirit. 

But I know a place that can dominate

A human spirit, 

Conquer it, 

And smash it, 

Stomp it, 

Until it loses all hope.

And the despair takes over 

Like a creeping black mist, 

And the spirit starts thinking about Heaven, 

Instead of this Hell on Earth

That is Muncy State Prison

In Pennsylvania, 

America.

Land of the free?

Is she finally free?

Did it make a noise?

Categories
Life Uncategorized

INTERVIEW: Jupiter

MUNCY STATE PRISON

INTERVIEW

“Jupiter”

White

Female

41yrs 

Three daughters

History of mental illness?

Yes, PTSD, Bipolar II, anxiety/depression

Trauma?

Childhood sexual abuse, neglect/emotional abuse by mother–led to physical abuse in relationships as an adult

Addiction?

Mostly alcohol, marijuana started when stepdad provided alcohol at 10yrs old

How long have you been incarcerated in your lifetime?

Seven years

This time?

Three years

What happened?

Mismanaged mental health, awful history of coping with substances, DUI, slew of reckless endangerments–hit a pick-up truck, sideswiped a school bus, 7am, car died, sat there

Sentence: 1-2 years

Original charge–4th offense DUI with Child Endangerment, 2-5 years in 2018–maxes in August–has one year left.

Public Defender/Plea Deal

Wanted to take it to trial, threatened with being charged separately, not run concurrent, more time

Have you been to rehab?

Yes, once, in 2010–didn’t stay sober, didn’t want to go.

Police waited two hours to draw blood, mom had just died. 

“Knowing what I know now, I should have worked on mental health stuff.”

Sexually abused by stepdad–hot tub, motorcycle, alcohol, Mom said not to act so slutty, Mom said Jupiter was jealous of her.

–Had DUI in 200 or 2001 first time

How were you treated by the police, court system, etc.?

“I was held to a higher standard because I had a college education, and because I was a woman and a mother.”

What are your plans for the future?

“I probably down the road want to be a domestic violence counselor, want to let other women know that they’re not alone, we can make a difference, our stories matter.”

DUI’s seemed to always correlate with negative life events

“I don’t think the system cares about that stuff.”

Do you think prison is rehabilitative?

“No. Not the DOC (Department of Corrections), I have met people or groups here that have helped me. I feel like it’s a numbers game.”

What do you do for fun?

“I love to be outside, hiking, skiing, music is a must. Playing with my girls when they were little.”

“I feel [the DOC] needs a lot more trauma-informed people in the system. The Parole Board told me I’m not capable of change. It makes no sense to not understand the person as a whole.”

Categories
Life Uncategorized

Stretch Marks, Inc. Magazine, and The Children’s Bill of RIghts

WOMEN’S CENTER

April 23rd, 2018

Monday

Day 294

8am

I go to both of my therapists today–one in Smethport and one in Wellsboro. Five hours in the car–yay. On the bright side, I do get out of the Center for a while–most of the day. Sometimes it’s exhausting to be here. It makes me just want to sleep–which is not allowed except sometimes on the weekend when Big isn’t here. 

It’s nice and sunshiney out today–I wonder if it will warm up. Yesterday was beautiful. I even wore a dress. I can’t wait to get the fuck out of here, eve if it is to go on house arrest. 

I can’t fucking wait.

The two new women seem to be adjusting well. Loreen has been asking to apply for senior resident, but Big hasn’t given her an application. I have to ask him what’s going to happen to me if I don’t get early release–will I go to rehab?

I asked–he said no, I would just stay here until July. 

Fucking great.

So then I asked him if I could call the Courthouse and he said I’d have to ask the Big Boss, who is never, ever around. Yesterday my Dad asked me how the college thing was going, and I had to tell him that no one ever got back to me about sponsorship for my scholarship–not even the Presbyterian Church.

11:30am

Therapy over.

We talked about my feelings of self-worth (or worthlessness, really) related to Mr. Big. He just strikes a negative chord with me and I can’t seem to shake it. I’ve had a very hard month. I need to tell myself that I AM important, and I’m not small with a meaningless life.

I’m just sad.

Depressed, even.

I think I’m going to change into a dress when I get back to the Center–maybe that will help me feel better. It’s artificial and shallow, but sometimes it helps to look nice.
Great. 

We’re going into Roulette.

That always makes me sad because it’s where Tiger lives with her Dad. 

We picked up a guy that probably weighs 400lbs. With him and the driver and me, it probably adds over 800lbs to this van. 

Of course. 

We drove right by Dubya’s house.

Now Joan Osbourne is crooning, “What if God Was One of Us?” on the radio.

Where we stopped to let him out, they had a sign in the garden that said, “GROW, Dammit.”

Funny.

Every time I look at Dubya’s house I think of Lilly saying, “Daddy and Macy don’t like each other, but they got married anyway.”

God. 

Now on the radio is, “Heaven is a Place On Earth.”

I sure hope not.

I told Big the other day that I didn’t believe in Heaven and an afterlife for my children, I would put a bullet in my head.

No joke.

I have to believe that I’ll see my babies again. 

Have to.

Maybe I won’t have time to change. It’s already noon and we’re not even in Coudersport.

When I think about Dubya sometimes, I think about how crazy in love we were. We loved each other so much that it ruined him when I left.

I couldn’t stay any longer.

He became the cynical, nasty, judgmental person that he is today. 

Now on the radio is, “It must have been love, but it’s over now…”

God, are you stalking me again?

Now we’re in Coudersport. The river is beautiful and sparkly reflecting the sun. Now we get to pass the road my other two kids live on. 

God. 

I’m so sad.

Two more months at the Center. 

I don’t know if I can do it.

I guess I don’t have a choice.

I was so hopeful about getting early release.

Now, nothing.

No hope left.

I figured if they let Pink out early, they would do it for anybody. But this is me we’re talking about. Me with the worst reputation and luck ever. 

Great.

Now a cop car is following us. The driver just yelled, “I am not in the mood for it today!” at the cop.

Oh, good. He turned. It was probably Copperhead Collins, the guy who arrested me. 

Fucking douchebag snake anyway.

Anyway, they probably wouldn’t let me out early anyway because I’m on Restriction. Of course Pink got FIRED and they didn’t put her on Restriction. I just quit. Fuck them anyway. I have to stop thinking about it or I’ll get super pissed.

I matter. 

I am important, no matter how people treat me.

 I matter. 

I have to learn how to be good to myself. That’s what my therapist says, anyway. I wonder what my other therapist will say this afternoon. 

We just passed a flag flying at half-mast. I wonder what that’s for. All I know that’s special about today is that it’s one of my former best friends’ birthday, and it’s National Picnic Day. 

Kind of muddy and soggy for a picnic. Now we’re in Gold. I’m nauseated from writing in the back seat. 

Tomorrow I get to go to Pittsburgh and relive all of those memories from The Glory Days of my life. It’ll probably make me even sadder. 

God. 

Will my life ever get better?

Must stop writing or I’m going to puke cinnamon flavored coffee all over this van.

12:20pm

Almost there.

The CDC just warned everybody to avoid all Romaine lettuce because it might be contaminated with E. Coli. 

Ew.

One of my favorite songs is on the radio: “Sugar, We’re Goin’ Down” by Fallout Boy. 

We’re here. 

Finally.

It smells like farts in here.

1:30pm

Now Tori and I are off to Wellsboro. Tori says she has a stretch mark on her vagina. How do you gain weight in your vagina? She also says she has butt stretch marks from her butthole out like rays of sunshine.

Super funny.

2pm

Huh.

Putting on a dress and talking to Tori really helped my mood. She’s hilarious in a self-deprecating way, which I appreciate. She makes people feel comfortable and forget their woes for a while. I love her. She really is a wonderful person, brilliant and generous, kind and funny. I don’t know about romantic love for her, though.

10pm

Hm.

Hard, long day. Will have to write about it tomorrow because it’s lights out. Called my ex-brother-in-law and found out my sister is having a bipolar depressive episode right now. I prayed for her. I don’t know what else to do. By the sounds of it she needs to be hospitalized. 

Hm.

More tomorrow.

1:40am

Can’t sleep. Worried about Justme. I guess I’ll clean my room.

Well, that didn’t work. I found an Inc. magazine that grabbed my attention. Its cover says “Rising Stars, Overachieving and Under 30.”

Well, that’s a must-read.

I don’t have any idea how I started getting this magazine, but I like it. Me time. 

WTF. 

Pittsburgh was the No. 1 city in the U.S. for job openings in 2017. 

It’s no wonder I love that city so much.

“You need to know your most passionate, best employees who are going to come up with new ideas for your company, because those extremers in your business are the ones who live it, breathe it, can’t stop thinking about it, who are going to find the next realm of where you should be going.”

–Sarah Robb O’Hagan, CEO of Flywheel

This is how I was when I lived in Pittsburgh. Always throwing myself into the work, work, work, work, because I knew I was making a difference in the lives of animals and their owners every day. I was a technician, an educator, a manager, I did everything. And I did it to the very best of my ability. That was me 15 years ago. And that’s what Big reminds me of.

Wow–new word I didn’t know: Permanxiety (noun): “A near constant state” of unease, travelers feel from “terrorism, security, neo-isolationism, racial tension, Trumpism…the widening economic gap, culture wars, climate change”

–Source: Skift

OMG and here’s an adjective for you:

“Too Big To Tax,” which means: “Various tax credits and tax breaks” meant Amazon made $5.6 billion in 2017 but paid no federal tax. 

Unbelievable.

Unrelated: 

Jeff Bezos became the first human worth more than $100 billion. 

Source: The New Republic.

Sickening.

Blech.

In other news:

Martha Stewart only sleeps four hours per night. Jeff Bezos sleeps eight. A survey by the authors of the upcoming book “My Morning Routine,” Benjamin Spall and Michael Xander, found that 85% of business founders slept more than seven hours per night.

Hm.

Wow. This 25 year old woman, Leigh-Kathryn Bonner, in N.C. founded a company called Bee Downtown, where they install honeybee hives on companies’ property. 

Cool.

She says that bees are a gateway “to get people excited about agriculture and sustainability.”

COOL.

And way to go, her!

What an idea!

Nice. 

The next business in their “Rising Stars” article is No Cow by Daniel Katz, which sells low-sugar and dairy-free protein bars, cookies, and nut butters.

Omg. 

Thinking sustainably is catching on. My mind is blown.

Wow.

This next one, by Adelle Archer, 27–I have to copy the entire thing.

It says:

ETERNEVA–Remembering Loved Ones

More Americans are opting for cremation in 2015, for the first time cremations outnumbered burials. With Eterneva, Adelle Archer turns those ashes into diamonds. Human remains contain carbon; Eterneva takes some of those ashes and, along with an industrial diamond lab in Amsterdam and cutters in Antwerp, turns them into jewelry. Customers choose design, color, and weight to commemorate their loved one; a 0.5-carat diamond costs about $7,000. The company stays in close contact with the families during the eight-month production process and, whenever possible, hand delivers the finished product. Archer conceived the idea after her mentor died in 2015. She seeks to change our relationship with loss–and help eternalize loved ones. “A diamond lasts more than a single generation,” Archer says. “An urn of ashes won’t.” –Kevin J. Ryan

Super awesome.

The next company creates personalized skin care regimens. Called Helloava By Siqi Mou, 28

The next one is called Naturall Club and was founded by Muhga Eltigani, 26. She makes all natural hair care products. 

Next up, a statistic: White men hold more than two out of every three seats on the boards of Fortune 500 companies.

Oh, cool. The next article is called Wellness Works, and is about promoting a healthy lifestyle in the office. 

This company called Drizly offers cycling, yoga, and boxing sessions both at studios and on-site, and has fresh food delivered to the office for their employees! Now THEY are onto something. They say, “We want to empower our employees to create their own fitness and health promoting activities, which helps create a culture of wellness at Drizly.” The article goes on to say that “there is plenty of data connecting wellness at work with better corporate performance.” 

Put that in your pipe and smoke it, MedPlast.

The annual cost of work-related stress in the U.S., according to the American Institute of Stress (I wonder what kind of wellness program THEIR employees get!) is $300 billion.

Keith P. Mankin, whose All Peer Consulting, in Dallas, develops wellness programs for small businesses, says “even modest perks, like a 10-minute chair massage, show that you care about employee well-being.”

Another quote: “If you’re keen on helping employees reduce stress, ongoing research increasingly demonstrates the physical and mental health benefits of meditation.”

“Thriving is about creating a culture that promotes succeeding at life as well as at work.” Renee Moorefield, Global Wellness Institute

Aw, this next article is called “Why, Grandmother, What a Cool Robot You Have.”

Stat: “Half of adults over 65 who live independently report feeling excessively lonely, and more than a third say they see only one other person in a typical week.”

That’s terribly sad.

So they came up with ElliQ, a “social robot” from Intuition Robotics, which is based in Jerusalem. ElliQ responds to voice commands, and reads its users their emails and text messages, displays new photos and videos sent by family members, and reminds them of things like doctor’s appointments and when to take medications.

Wow. Minimum wage in Massachusetts is $11/hr.

Children’s Bill of Rights

As they proceed with the process of dissolving their adult relationship, both parents recognize and acknowledge the following minimum rights of their children:

  1. Right to a continuing relationship with both parents.
  2. Right to be treated as an important human being with unique feelings, ideas and desires.
  3. Right to continuing care and guidance from both parents.
  4. Right to know and appreciate what is good in each parent without one parent degrading the other.
  5. Right to express love, affection, and respect for each parent without having to suppress that love because of fear of disapproval by the other parent.
  6. Right to know that the parents’ decision to live separately was not the responsibility of the child.
  7. Right not to be a source of argument between the parents.
  8. Right to honest answers to questions about the changing family relationships.
  9. Right to be able to experience regular and consistent contact with both parents and to know the reason for cancellation of time of change of plans.
  10. Right to have a relaxed, secure relationship with both parents without being placed in a position to manipulate one parent against the other.
Categories
Life Uncategorized

Commissary, Vicodin, and Nightmares

MUNCY STATE PRISON

December 3rd, 2024

Tuesday

9:30pm

We finally got Commissary today, after going without it for a week and a half. I drank too much coffee, pooped three times, and talked a lot. Previous to today, I had slept for a week, so I had some excess energy, which is new for me here. Usually, I feel like I’m slogging through every day, waiting for the next time I can lie down.

I’m wondering if I should write Mr. Big a letter apologizing for my last email to him, and telling him that I was manic and talking crazy. Probably I should. 

(I didn’t.)

I tried to call my lawyer today, but no answer. I called Gem, Motorcycle, Stryder (twice), and Paul. Paul didn’t answer and he had said that we have a video visit tomorrow, but it’s not on the schedule, so I asked Stryder to message him and ask what’s up.

Everything is so difficult here.

There are almost 100 people on this Unit, and over 1100 on the “campus” now. I don’t know why they call it a campus, it’s much more like a hostile military compound. 

I got another interview for Thursday. 

Daisy made a giant peanut butter/chocolate cookie roll today. She called it “Death by Chocolate” and Swiper said that’s the best way to die. My hips are killing me. I can’t even sit cross-legged anymore. I’m wondering how I’m ever going to have sex. Something’s gotta give. I need better pain control than Mobic, but the pills I was taking apparently make me an insane crazy person, and nobody prescribes narcotics anymore. Sometimes weed makes me think I’m Jesus and fall down a lot.

No.

Vicodin seems like the answer, but you can’t get it anywhere now, which is bullshit. I don’t ever want to be addicted to it again, but that takes a lot of effort. You don’t get addicted by taking one or two tablets a day. I wonder if my rheumatologist would prescribe it. I guess I’ll find out in a year. I can probably reestablish a relationship with him while I’m at the Women’s Center, but he probably would never prescribe them with my history of addiction.

It’s no wonder people use heroin.

It’s cheaper and easier to get than Vicodin.

Bullshit.

Also bullshit? Momma Bear chairing the AA/NA meetings on the Unit and then telling someone during a fight this morning to go get high. She’s supposed to be a role model, not someone who digs to the bottom of the garbage dumpster for insults about addicts.

I got new mascara today and Lolita gave me some Pink Oil, so I did my hair and face pretty. 

It made me feel better.

Lolita is leaving in 11 days. I wonder if she’d do an interview. Her story is crazy. She was kidnapped and held in a trap house basement for days and raped and beaten several times. Then a man was sent downstairs, presumably to rape her, and he felt sorry for her, so he came back the next day with a sawed-off shotgun to rescue her, but was killed by her captors.

Then they made her clean up the mess.

She was charged with something ridiculous like abuse of a corpse and accessory to homicide and served seven years in prison. She’s back on a technical parole violation for drinking alcohol.

Ridiculous.

December 4th, 2024

Wednesday

3:15am

Nightmares.

The kind where you wonder how your brain is so very imaginative.

Horrifying.

Stryder was in it.

In the nightmare I was was having nightmares, and he was the only one who cared enough to ask me to describe it to him.

But then he seemed evil too.

Do dreams really mean anything?

Last night when we were talking on the phone, he said he didn’t know if he wanted to set up a video visit, because when he saw me it would be hard not to fall in love with me again. 

In the dream, I got the distinct feeling that he was toying with me, the way a cat will torture a small animal to death before he devours it.

Is that what he’s doing?

Or does it mean nothing?

I’m tired, but I don’t want to go back to sleep. 

In another nightmare, I thought I woke up, and stood up to go over to some man I was with and cuddle him and tell him about my nightmare, but some laughing, evil spirit-lady was trying to invade my body. She kept laughing and giggling and saying that I couldn’t keep her out of me, no matter how hard I tried. I had the distinct feeling that she was my mental illness.

Bipolar disorder in a cackling, sinister apparition. 

Then I woke up again, or thought I did, and actually saw the wall I sleep next to, but I wasn’t awake at all.

I see prison walls in my nightmares.

When I realized I wasn’t really awake, and it was a trick, I summoned all of my strength to open my eyes. 

Who would’ve thought I’d be so glad to see a prison wall?

Same wall. 

I prayed to God twice today to get me out of here, but it’s no use. I’m just going to another prison. A much nicer prison, but still a prison. 2025 isn’t even here, and it’s already gone. This one-to-three year sentence turned into four. 

That’s how the “justice” system works.

I don’t want to go back to sleep.

I have to push Ms. Grumpy Crabass all over creation tomorrow (today) in my new, surprisingly painful boots. I should’ve kept my old boots with holes in them. 

That’s the thing about prison–just when you think something better is going to happen, something much worse happens.

Prison Rule #1: Things can always get worse.

Like having the first decent day in a long time and then having nightmares all night following it.

Categories
Life Uncategorized

Strip-Searches, Life-Affirming Essences, and Miracles

MUNCY STATE PRISON

November 20th, 2024

Wednesday

8:30pm

We were locked down yesterday and today. Yesterday for a whole shakedown of the Unit, which was a nightmare. Locked down from 9am till 6pm, and they shut off the water, so the toilets were all full of shit, piss, and blood. 

Disgusting.

Also, they passed out water bottles to the bottom tier but not the top tier, so we had nothing to drink, even for lunch. Then Daisy literally peed her pants because at first they weren’t letting anyone use the bathroom. 

It was horrible and inhumane.

I hate this place.

Then handcuffs, strip searches, and metal detectors. 

Then tear your cell apart for no reason. 

They dumped Swiper’s entire box of paperwork on her bed.

I can’t believe I have a year of incarceration left.

Kimberly leaves in the morning.

I will miss her.

November 22nd, 2024

Book: 

“Children of the State: Stories of Survival and Hope in the Juvenile Justice System” by Jeff Hobbs © 2023

P. 25-26

“Over the past decade, roughly 2 million minors have been arrested in America per year, and any single day found around 30,000 of them locked up in secure placement facilities. The high turnover within such facilities meant that in the modern era some 150,000 young people spent time in jail, even if only for an afternoon, in the span of a year.”

P. 26-27

“The overarching goal of all changes in treatment and accommodation has been to reduce the recidivism rate among incarcerated American youth. In any era or year, this one statistic has always been absolutely paramount, signifying the effectiveness of a given system in a given place and time.

Judging by this simple metric, the systems that had never worked well were still not working well in this increasingly progressive era. Though no comprehensive national recidivism database existed, the aggregate local numbers suggested that despite improving conditions and programs, children were still far more likely than adults to be reincarcerated within three years of release–up to 84 percent by some estimates. The figure was harrowing, especially in contrast with the far rosier outcome numbers for juvenile arrestees who were put directly on probation or sent to drug treatment facilities or diverted by other routes from the full weight of the justice system. The disparity in these numbers spoke to some near-universal breakage of spirit that occurred within young people the moment they were confined in residence, which was one of the myriad terms used in juvenile courts to leaven the term’s actual meaning: prison. Whatever resilience that children inherently possessed seemed to vanish the moment a dead bolt fastened loudly behind them. Whatever national ethos championing the notion of self-determination that still presided over the country’s educational systems became irrelevant.

Entering a juvenile hall was statistically dooming. While juvenile records legally expired at age eighteen (or a certain number of years after one’s last offense, depending on the state), the unlikelihood of a juvie resident ever fully unshackling him- or herself from the justice system was writ in the grim outcomes of nearly all who’d been incarcerated before, pre-dating the nation’s founding. These outcomes had little to do with food quality or exercise. They were a testament to the way that life-affirming essences such as hope and perseverance didn’t just retreat within young souls in small rooms behind locked doors, but ceased to operate entirely.”

Book: 

“Crazy Enough” by Storm Large 

Excerpt, p. 261-262

“And the greatest performances I’ve seen or given are not unlike the most incredible sex one can ever have. It’s when you are truly torn open and powerless, and you lose it completely. You can call it God, or spirit, or art, or whatever chaotic mystery that sounds right to you, but when you are stripped of all your defenses, that’s when miracles happen. 

Maintaining composure during those experiences is beside the point. It’s so much better to feel like you might not survive the encounter, shit the bed, and touch the infinite.”

“The universe is made of stories, not of atoms.”

–Muriel Rukeyser

9:30pm

Cricket doesn’t say much. That’s why I named her Cricket–whenever it’s her turn to talk at the “Self-Help” meeting that is really an AA meeting–crickets. On her 40th birthday, she found out both that her friend had hung himself to death and that her “victim’s” family had won a lawsuit for $1 million. Cricket brought drugs into a county jail, where she shared them with a friend, who subsequently overdosed and died. Apparently, the friend’s family sued the jail and won.

Lights out.

I miss Kimberly. 

I hope she’s doing okay. She was so funny. What the hell am I going to blog about now?  I wonder if Daughters magazine would publish my blogs. 

Probably not. 

Too crude.

So, I read Storm Large’s book. It was good. It reminded me of how I used to write. She felt terrible for feeling relieved when her mother died.

What does that make me?

I felt relieved when my son died.

He was so sick…but so was she. 

I can identify with that.

Categories
Life Uncategorized

Eighty-Two Random Questions

WOMEN’S CENTER

I don’t have any idea where these Discussion Topics came from, but, just for funsies, I’ll answer them.

  1. Do you keep a diary or journal?
    1. Yes
  2. Should schools offer cash bonuses for good test scores?
    1. Yes
  3. Would you like to take a class online?
    1. If it was free, yes.
  4. Are children of illegal immigrants entitled to public education?
    1. Yes, they should be.
  5. What is your personal credo?
    1. Lead with love.
  6. Should students be required to take drug tests?
    1. No, especially if they are going to be punished for doing drugs, which is the aim of the tests to begin with. It doesn’t solve the problem, and usually makes it worse.
  7. Do attractive people have advantages others don’t?
    1. Yes.
  8. What journey do you most want to make?
    1. The journey to finding out who I really am.
  9. What are you afraid of?
    1. Losing another child and alligators. They don’t seem to have a soul, from what I can tell.
  10. Do you trust your government?
    1. Not as far as I could throw it.
  11. Who is your role model?
    1. Jesus Christ
  12. Do you have good manners?
    1. I most certainly do not.
  13. Should fertilized eggs be given legal personhood?
    1. That’s preposterous. Absolutely not.
  14. What challenges have you set for yourself?
    1. Saving the world.
  15. Have you experienced sexual harassment?
    1. Nearly every day in the outside world.
  16. Do leaders have moral obligations?
    1. Yes, that is what makes them leaders in the first place.
  17. Would you want to be home-schooled?
    1. By my mother?? Most certainly no.
  18. Do presidential candidates need to be good debaters?
    1. Yes, if they want to win elections, they do.
  19. Do you shop at locally owned businesses?
    1. Yes, whenever I can afford it, I do.
  20. Are you a brand?
    1. I am most certainly not, and what an insult.
  21. What do you read?
    1. Lately? Books on mass incarceration and social justice issues.
  22. Which is more important: Talent or hard work?
    1. God-given talents are extremely important, but one must work hard at honing and improving them. I don’t know that one is more important than the other.
  23. What are you grateful for?
    1. Everything good in my life, and some of the hardships too.
  24. Do you sympathize with the Occupy Wall Street Movement?
    1. Yes
  25. What are you good at?
    1. Writing, compassion, listening, mothering.
  26. Should the morning after pill be sold over the counter to people under 17?
    1. Yes, if people under 17 are having sex, then definitely.
  27. What new emoticons does the world need?
    1. One for rolling eyes.
  28. When in your life have you been a leader?
    1. When I was a teacher at the Vet Tech Institute, when I was a manager at the Cat Clinic.
  29. Do photoshopped images make you feel bad about your own looks?
    1. Why on Earth would a computer generated image make me feel bad about what I look like?
  30. What would you put in your emergency “go-bag”?
    1. Food, water, blankets, umbrella, mascara.
  31. What artists or bands of today are destined for the Rock-n-Roll Hall of Fame?
    1. Benson Boone, I think, for sure.
  32. Are we losing the art of listening?
    1. Yes, most certainly.
  33. Can you be good without God?
    1. No one is without God. The question itself is absurd.
  34. Do you discuss religion with friends?
    1. Not religion so much, but spirituality, yes.
  35. Would you consider deleting your Facebook?
    1. Yes, if it became a nuisance.
  36. What will you remember most from 2017?
    1. That Donald Trump was President and I hated it.
  37. What’s your favorite holiday food memory?
    1. Just the smell of turkey and family gatherings.
  38. Do you have a signature clothing item?
    1. High heels
  39. What places in your past do you appreciate more now, from a distance?
    1. The Vet Tech Institute in its early years–I wanted everything to be done, and done perfectly, and I didn’t allow for the fact that no one had done this before and we didn’t know what we were doing and there was going to be some growing pains.
  40. What would you personal mascot be?
    1. A lioness in all her glory
  41. What is your favorite place?
    1. My favorite place is wherever my children are
  42. What if your parent ran for President?
    1. Well, my father would make a wonderful and fair and wise President
    2. My mother, however, would rule with an iron fist, and she would be a dictator with a regime and all the things. It would be miserable.
  43. What’s your favorite slang term?
    1. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassssssssssssssssssssss Bitch!!!
  44. Should charities focus more on America?
    1. Heavens. What a question. Charities should put their focus on EVERYONE. Not one specific group or cliche or whatever happened to me happened to you too, but ALL of the needs, because there are so many needs all over the world. Especially right now, when the world is crumbling beneath our very feet, and America’s Democracy doesn’t exist anymore.
  45. Given unlimited resources, what scientific or medical problem would you investigate?
    1. Global warming. I would pour all of my resources and my heart and soul into everyone living sustainably so that the planet would be saved.
  46. What would you like to learn on your own?
    1. How to play the guitar and sing at the same time.
  47. Who would you share your passwords with?
    1. Motorcycle and no one else.
  48. Do you cook?
    1. Every day, or nearly every day. Sometimes I take a day off and Motorcycle cooks.
  49. Who inspires you?
    1. Motorcycle in my personal circle. He works hard to always be learning something new. Out in the world? Peacemakers like Mahatma Gandhi and trailblazers like Oprah Winfrey.
  50. Do you like being alone?
    1. Nobody likes being alone for extended periods of time, but some moments of quiet solitude are required for making art.
  51. How do male and female roles differ in your family?
    1. In my immediate family–Motorcycle and me–there are not differing “roles” for us as far as a power structure goes, which is what I’m assuming you’re asking about. We are equally powerful in our own right. The dog, however, is not consulted for decision-making.
  52. Do you eat too quickly?
    1. Yes, which is a throwback from being in jails and prisons. They only give you about four minutes to eat your entire meal, so that you may not enjoy it at all. It’s slop anyway, and not enjoyable in the least.
  53. How should you handle the end of a friendship?
    1. In the very unfortunate event of a friendship ending, I would say that people should part ways peaceably and as amicably as possible. If they are so different that they simply cannot be friends, then they should just go their separate ways, without a lot of bluster and name-calling.
  54. Should home-schoolers be allowed to play public sports?
    1. Yes, absolutely. These children are still a part of the community, and should not be ostracized.
  55. Can kindness become cool?
    1. Yes. If anyone, like Jesus Christ, for instance, who is in a position of power and influence, would actually practice it in a public and purposeful way.
  56. What have you done to earn money?
    1. I have worked very hard as first a veterinary technician, and then later as a writer. In other odd jobs, I worked in a pet store, in fast food, in a book store, and in a factory, all of which I hated. I have also, in my most desperate times, have had sex and sold drugs for money, which I also hated. 
  57. What questions do you have about how the world works?
    1. I want to know why hate seems to be ruling the planet right now, when good is so easy to do.
  58. How do you feel about zoos?
    1. Animals should never be caged. It is inhumane and cruel in a profound and soul-killing way. Human beings should never be caged either.
  59. Would you quit if your values didn’t match your employers?
    1. Yes, and I have done that very thing.
  60. What’s the coolest thing you’ve ever seen in a museum?
    1. Dinosaur skeletons
  61. What small things have you seen and taken note of today?
    1. I engaged three people in small talk, and remembered their stories.
  62. What movies, shows, or books do you wish had sequels, spinoffs, or new episodes?
    1. I’ll never get tired of anything Sex in the City or Grey’s Anatomy.
  63. What would you do if you won the lottery?
    1. I would buy my dream house that would fit all of me and Motorcycles things, and all of my children and their things. I would set up college funds for my children. I would donate to charities that I believe in. I would use the money for good whenever I could.
  64. Do you want to write a book?
    1. Yes, I do. And I have written three books already. They’re on Amazon for sale.
  65. Should couples live together before marriage?
    1. Absolutely
  66. Is it ethical to eat meat?
    1. It is not ethical to eat any sentient being. Eating meat is like eating another human being, with no regard for their life or heart or soul or dreams or hopes or loves or anything. Eating meat is murder of sentient beings, and we do not have to do that anymore, and so we shouldn’t.
  67. What is your fantasy vacation?
    1. I want to see all of the beautiful islands
  68. When did you last have a great conversation?
    1. I had a great conversation two days ago with my twin sister, learning things we didn’t know about each other.
  69. Is TV too white?
    1. Absolutely. The world is not white. TV shouldn’t be either.
  70. Why do you share photos?
    1. To connect me with other people, and to share our stories.
  71. How necessary is a college education?
    1. I believe that everyone who wants to should be able to get a college education. For free.
  72. How important is keeping your cool?
    1. Extremely important. Especially in volatile situations. People who panic are the ones who escalate the situations and make them dangerous.
  73. What’s cluttering up your life?
    1. All of Motorcycle’s belongings crammed into this tiny apartment.
  74. When have you ever failed at something? What happened as a result?
    1. I have failed at a great many things. And as a result, I learned what not to do next time.
  75. How should parents address internet pornography?
    1. Parents should be candid and honest about pornography on the internet, and they should let their kids know that sex doesn’t happen like that in real life, and that these are extreme examples of ridiculous ideas. Making love is not featured in pornography, and so pornography should be avoided, as it is not realistic and can be addictive and create unrealistic expectations about what sex should be like. Pornography is dangerous in that way, and it also normalized rape, which should never, ever be normal.
  76. How far would you go for fashion?
    1. I don’t know–if it looks good on me, I wear it, and if it doesn’t, I don’t.
  77. Who would be the ideal celebrity neighbor?
    1. Angelina Jolie–all those kids, and she seems like a fun, smart person to hang out with.
  78. What advice would you give to somebody who just started dating?
    1. Don’t lie to make yourself look better, and always be kind and lead with your true personality. If it doesn’t work out–and most dates will not be your soul mate–then at least you did your best.
  79. How full is your glass?
    1. Three-quarters
  80. What’s your comfort food?
    1. Donuts
  81. What is your opinion about the morning after pill?
    1. It should be widely available for anyone having sex, and it should be free. We should not be forcing women to have babies that they do not want and are unprepared for.
  82. When should juvenile offenders receive life sentences?
    1. Never. By definition, a juvenile “offender’s” brain is not fully developed. Even if the crime they committed was severe, they would not be capable of fully grasping the gravity of it until years later. How can you hold someone accountable for a crime they don’t fully understand?
Categories
Life Uncategorized

Oprah Winfrey and Daisy’s Birthday

MUNCY STATE PRISON

November 8th, 2024

Friday

5:08pm

Dinner’s going to be late. Four people from this unit just went to the Hole. Somebody PREA’d Ms. Moon, an older Asian lady in a wheelchair here. It turns out it wasn’t true, so the people in on it went to the Hole for an investigation.

Stupid. 

Things in my cell aren’t any better. That doesn’t stop Swiper from asking me for things. Today she asked me to hit my cigarette. I said no and then wondered if she would retaliate.

I hate prison.

I spent the next two days in bed after Trump won the presidency. 

I just don’t understand. 

Is there that much hate in the world?

I found a book!

“Organizing for Social Change: Midwest Academy Manual for Activists” by Kim Bobo, Jackie Kendall, and Steve Max © 2001

“If there is no struggle there is no progress. Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are men who want crops without plowing up the ground. They want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean without the awful roar of its many waters. This struggle may be a moral one; or it may be both moral and physical; but it must be a struggle. Power concedes nothing without a demand. It never did and it never will. Find out just what people will submit to, and you have found the exact amount of injustice and wrong which will be imposed upon them; and these will continue until they are resisted with either words or blows, or with both. The limits of tyrants are prescribed by the endurance of those whom they oppress.

–Frederick Douglass

Letter to an abolitionist associate, 1849

November 10th, 2024

Sunday

9:46am

Today is Daisy’s 42nd birthday. I gave her three pairs of socks, batteries, and an e-cigarette. Tonight we’ll have cheesecake when Kimberly gets off work in the kitchen. I don’t know how to make jail cheesecake, but I bought the ingredients. 

Kimberly is leaving for her grandmother’s house in 10 days. 

Cinnamon made Daisy a card. 

Daisy and Bambi have been weirdly chummy lately. Bambi is still not speaking to me and hasn’t said a word about what Burgundy told her I said about her. 

It’s fine with me. 

I’d rather not be friends with such a nasty, spiteful, vindictive person anyway. 

Or fake friends, as it were. 

She doesn’t seem to be actual friends with anyone. Things with Swiper are no better.

It’s uncomfortable and tense in our cell.
Stressful.

I finished Oprah Winfrey and Bruce D. Perry’s book, “What happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing” © 2021 

Here’s some excerpts:

P. 109

“If, in the first two months of life, a child experienced high adversity with minimal relational buffering but was then put into a healthier environment for the next twelve years, their outcomes were worse than the outcomes of children who had low adversity and healthy relational connections in the first two months but then spent the next twelve years with high adversity.”

P. 230-234

“Our ancestors recognized the importance of connectedness and the toxicity of exclusion. The history of the ‘civilized’ world, on the other hand, is filled with policies and practices that favored disconnection and marginalization–that destroyed family, community, and culture. Colonization, slavery, and the U.S. reservation system, Canada’s Residential Schools, Australia’s Stolen Generation–these were so destructive across so many generations because they intentionally destroyed the family and cultural bonds that keep a people connected. They created disconnected, traumatized individuals in inescapable, painful situations–situations that, as we’ve discussed, make people dissociate in order to adapt and survive. And even though the dissociation is adaptive, it results in more passivity and compliance, making traumatized peoples easier to dehumanize and exploit.

While less obvious to some, I believe that our existing child-welfare, educational, mental health, and juvenile-justice systems often do the same thing. They fragment families, undermine community, and engage in marginalizing, shaming, and punitive practices.”

P. 258-259

“…I’m very concerned about poverty of relationships in modern society. In our work, we find that the best predictor of your current mental health is your current ‘relational health,’ or connectedness. This connectedness is fueled by two things: the basic capabilities you’ve developed to form and maintain relationships, and the relational ‘opportunities’ you have in your family, neighborhood, school, and so forth.

Simply put, modern life provides fewer opportunities for relational interactions. In a multifamily, multigenerational environment, the continuous social interactions provide a rich source of regulation, reward, and learning. And that’s how we used to live. In 1790, 63 percent of our nation’s households had five or more people; only 10 percent had two or fewer. Today those numbers have basically flipped: In 2006, only 8 percent of households had five or more people, 60 percent had two or fewer…

The art of storytelling and the capacity to listen are on the decline. The result is a more self-absorbed, more anxious, more depressed, and less resilient population.”

I wrote a birthday letter to Daisy:

Daisy, 

I just wanted to write you a quick birthday note and tell you that I feel lucky to have you as a friend. If I’m making it weird, I’m sorry, but you are one of the funniest, smartest, and most animated people I know, and I’m glad to have met you. You’re strong, even in the face of monumental adversity, and I admire that about you. And you give good hugs, even when you don’t want to, and even if we’re both a little bonier than when we came in.

Also, you’re a good storyteller and a good listener, and I appreciate that about you. While most people ignore me because I am quiet, you make me feel seen and heard in a place where it’s easier to fade into the background. 

So thank you.

No one wants to be in prison, but if I have to, I’d choose you to do it with. Happy birthday and here’s to celebrating on the outside.

Love, 

Justine

8:21pm

I’m fucking exhausted. Bambi and Swiper made the whole night a fucking fight. 

Jesus fucking Christ.